Tag Archives: suicide

Another May Comes Around

Wow… I do not know where the time has gone! Of course, as I think about the last 20 years,  I think back to the different struggles (and the happy moments as well), I do not feel like I am the same person. Somehow, that part of me has died and left behind this part of me to move forward and forge a new path. I truly feel dead from the 2001 Muse… or the 1999 Muse. I do have some lingering pieces of myself from the 2003-2009 part of me though… and I hold onto those with a terrifying need. I feel like the pieces are slowly falling through my fingers to shatter and become scattered at my feet. For some reason, I feel this insane hunger to hold onto that time frame.

I do that as well with thoughts of B. For those of you who have followed along, you should remember who B is. For those of you who are new, or if you need a refresher… he is an ex who killed himself a couple months after we broke up. We had a very tumultuous relationship full of anger, doubt, hate, love, passion, and a need to feed off of the toxic elements we both brought to the table.

This year is his 12yr death anniversary. Wow. It is so crazy to think about how long ago that feels, yet the raw emotion of his choice still scratches hungrily at my heart, needing to feed on the misery, the sadness, the “why’s”. It is crazy… we all know the big “WHY”…. it is the smaller ones I need answered… the more personal… the acts directed at me personally… my “why’s” lie in that grey area and will never be satisfactorily answered. Only in the truth of Gods love and promise will I find the answers to my questions, providing there is such a place…

And so I sit.

I wonder.

I ponder.

My head gets heavy and water threatens to ruin my mascara and eyeliner.

Not this year… I won’t cry. I will smile to myself and laugh… shake my head in the realization he did hold up to ONE promise… he swore he would… But, he did say it wouldn’t be goodbye, it would be “see you soon”… we will see if that promise stands the test of time.

9/11 Jumpers

9eleven

As I was doing some research on the tragedy of 9/11, I found something that is utterly appalling to me.

After the plane struck the North Tower, many people were seen jumping from the building to their death. Do you consider this suicide? I certainly do not. Yet, there is so much stigma surrounding this FACT of what happened that horrific day. I have found article after article saying that people do not want to acknowledge this happened because many believe that choosing to die (no matter the circumstances) is a sin. Is this disgusting to you as well?

I am not religious… if anything, I would say I am spiritual. But I do believe that no matter what, an Almighty, Perfect Creator would KNOW that someone who jumped from a building that was on fire and reaching temperatures of 2900 degrees F in some areas, did not commit a sin! It was reported to be so hot in some areas that people were standing on desks because the floor was painfully hot. Can you imagine that heat?? And we have all seen the smoke billowing from the buildings… how many of us would stand in it and choose to die by not being able to breathe. The word “choose” actually should not be in the equation at all. The victims of 9/11 did not have a “choice”… death was going to have them on that day.

I can see why some, faced with certain death, opted to go in the cool air instead of by fire and/or extreme heat, breathing fresh air instead of thick black smoke, and hitting the pavement at the speed of 125mph or more, dying instantly instead of suffocating or being burned alive.

They deserve recognition… they deserve peace… they deserve to be thought of as heroic, not as cowards. It has made me sick to think that people would be so cruel as to say that these people, who had death chosen for them that day, were sinners because they died in this way.

Another sign of the stigma of suicide… even though these brave people were murdered regardless of the way they died…

Just a side note for those who are religious and believe that suicide is a sin… note that in the bible, Judas hung himself because he betrayed Jesus. Have you noticed that nowhere in the bible does it mention his death as a sin. He wasn’t berated for it, he wasn’t called a sinner for it, nor did it say anywhere that is death would land him in hell. If I am wrong, educate me. If you just had an “aha” moment… be sure to share that little fact next time the conversation about suicide sending someone on a one way ride to hell comes up.

In My Dreams

b1_edited

What have you been trying to tell me?

Why have you been in my dreams…

Is it for you? Or is it for me?

Is it my brains need to see you… to feel you are ok…

Better than OK.

Is it my coping mechanism? After 11 years…

You would think I have fully coped.

Yet you play in my mind…

Hold me captive in my dreams.

Sometimes I awake and think you never died…

but reality comes back.

And that night plays in my head…

I wish I could have seen through your eyes,

felt with your heart…

Tasted your salty tears… if you cried that is.

I want to know why I was there…

Was it a final “Goodbye”… a final “I love you”?

Did you want to die with my image burned into your mind…

your soul?

Why?

You always joked you would haunt me…

I guess you truly are.

That is the only promise you kept.

I forgive you.

Disturbing Videos and My Stand On Physician Assisted Suicide

I was searching youtube for some suicide prevention videos and possibly some videos from the “Coming Out of The Darkness” awareness walks that take place around the country…. what I found was horrible.

The dark side of youtube.

I found instruction videos on how to make a proper noose, etc, and videos of actual suicides. Yes, some were hoaxes, others were little documentaries, but one specifically disturbed me. It was a webcam video of a man asphyxiating himself by hanging in which if he just stood up, he would have lived. He did not do that though. Sure, this video could be an elaborate hoax, but I do believe it is real for a couple reasons which I do not want to give the gory details of. It is sped up just a bit so I am not sure what the time lapse would truly have been between the time he put the rope around his neck and his body stopped moving, to the time the police got there and started CPR.

Why do I mention this? I am horrified for one that someone would upload this for someone to see, and I am horrified of the amount of views this video had.

There are others… specifically jumpers off the Golden Gate Bridge and it is just tragic that people get to that low point (which I certainly have felt but just held on waiting for things to get better) where they feel that death by suicide is their only option.

I do have a unique view on suicide, though it does not include those who have mental disorders.

I do believe that physician assisted suicide should be legal across the board in every state… but not for anybody and everybody who want to die. I believe that the person must be at the end stage of a chronic illness, in which they will die from, and I believe that family support should be there as well. Sadly that isn’t always the case though because we are selfish when we love someone and wish to have every second with them that we can have. That is not for the ill persons sake, but for “our” sake… the ones that keep on living after our loved ones passed.

I had an aunt with a crooked spine… uncomfortable, probably painful, but not life threatening. She lived like this for 20 years that I know of and know that she lived with it many more years before I knew her. Her pain continued to increase to the point that she moaned and cried out 24/7 WHILE ON PAIN MEDICATION.  After many tests, she was found to have cancer running up and down her spine, causing unimaginable pain. 

She suffered through it for at least a year. A year of screaming out, moaning, crying, unable to move, sponge baths made her cry out in horrible pain. You could literally hear her throughout the hospital corridors when you got to her floor. The pain was unreal. She stuck it out to the bitter end and it broke everyones heart to see her like this. Though she would not have willingly died, I believe that anyone with this condition, this much pain, and who will die relatively soon, should have the option to request a cocktail of medications to help them fall into eternal sleep.

Physician assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, Washington, and Montana.

Here is a great article to read about it: Physician Assisted Suicide

It points out that it is not utilized much at all, which I find surprising. It is interesting how an unhealthy mind will think self destruction is the only way out, but a healthy mind will preserve life as long as possible.

Just a little ramble with things to think about.

Suicide… Hate It.

I was looking around the internet just reading various things, and then I thought of an actor that I use to love but have not seen him in the spotlight in years. So what did I do?? I looked him up. I was not prepared for what I learned.

He died almost ten years by hanging himself.

Remember this face??

Brandis

Jonathan Brandis

I can remember watching him in “Neverending Story” and “It” specifically, and he was very popular, especially to young girls everywhere who fell in love with him and his adorable looks.

He chose to die at 27 yrs of age.

He left no note explaining his choice… though he was apparently devastated over his career and was wanting to make a comeback of sorts. I hope that he found peace and is no longer hurting.

I hate that suicide is an option, though I certainly understand because I have experienced that severe emotional pain.

We just have to remember that life is fluid and the pain will go away. ♥

Why?

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Why is it that the thought of you can still sting…

can instantly bring tears to my eyes…

can make me miss you like you were here just yesterday?

Why do you invade my dreams…

looking peaceful and glowing in the glory of the heavens…

That smirk on your face, I read your mind… “I am finally free baby girl.”

How can I be thrown into the past,

remember those eyes, those tears…

watching you crumble before me…a lost soul.

Why couldn’t I save you?

Why couldn’t my love protect you?

Why do I smell your cologne, hear your voice?

Why can’t I just forget and let go?

Why do I see you in “them”…

Why did I destroy the fruit of our love?

Why was “I” there that horrible night?

How do you still have this hold,

Was what your cousin said true…

that my heart was buried with you.

So many questions… so few answers…

Why?

©bipolarmuse 2012

**I wrote this well over a year ago, almost a year and a half… those who follow along with my blog will know the inspiration… I always feel that everything I write goes here in this blog, so even though I wrote this in the beginning of 2012, I feel compelled to put it up here.**

Suicide is so devastating to those left behind… yet, I understand the need to go, the horrible pain that brings one to this choice.

If you are suicidal, please ask for help.

Ugggghhhh… come one Medicare! My Rant.

money

MONEY. I hate it and love it at the same time. Why is it that I will seem to be fine, then all of a sudden, I am broke for the next three months? Seriously. I know I don’t have much coming in, but I am very scrupulous with it because I know that a little must go far. That being said… this month I will be in the hole to my man about 500$. Yep. The mean green paper is taking a toll.

After Doc visits, prescriptions, plane tickets to get the kids back to TX on July 1st… I am flat broke… and will need my return flight paid for, and my prescription at the end of the month that is 170.00$ paid for as well. On top of the money I already owe him, yeah, I am looking at a 500$ bill. Not to mention that I have other bills to pay.  Grrrrrr.

**BUT, good news! My medicare begins on September 1st and my Doc visits and prescriptions will be covered. I cannot express how happy I am about this. Only two months to endure and then all will settle down and be great. I won’t be rich, but it sure will help with my  monthly expenses. It will pay for itself and then some…

I can’t believe that, being mentally ill, they wait 2 years before giving you medical coverage. This needs to be revamped. We have so many horrible crimes committed in the name of mental health issues but nobody wants to pay for Psychiatry or Psychological counseling. What is that about? We have gunmen going into schools, high school and college kids with mental disorders plotting bombings and other terrorist acts and I have had to wait 2 years for any type of medical assistance though I was deemed disabled with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety Disorders. Know what I was told when I asked my case worker what to do for my mental health *care*?? Her response- Go to the ER.

Really?!

No… I am not comparing myself to those who commit these horrible crimes, and I do not believe they ALL have mental health disorders (because I do believe that some people are just bad people), but seriously?… I waited 2 years for medical assistance? That is like a person diagnosed with terminal cancer waiting 2 years for treatment. Especially when suicidal… ok, maybe not identical situations here… but you get my drift.

Sorry for this rant but I am seriously flustered at the system. I am grateful that something is in place for assistance, but it literally needs a program change and reboot.

!!I am grateful that medicare is on its way and I only have July and August left to pay for my own medical care and medications. Now I just have to hope I don’t get a CDR (continuing disability review) and be deemed no longer disabled. Wouldn’t that be a nightmare?? I don’t even want to put that thought into the Universe. Not that I plan to be on this all my life… I just want to make sure I do not make an impulsive decision to work before I know that I am stable enough to stay employed.

Thank God I have a wonderful man who helps me stay afloat…

A Nice Reminder

I have been slacking with my blog and my blog email. Today I had time to go through my emails and found an email that was sent to me that reminds me why my blog is so important. This email touched my heart and has given me fuel for the fire to become more diligent about making posts. I would like to share it with you… the email is short and to the point.

“T just wanted to Thanks.  I have been thinking of killing myself. I was looking for some help and found it in your writings. I can’t say that won’t still do it. But for now anyhow. I have something other than darkness to think about. “

If you come back to my blog, please think deeply about it and allow it to serve as a beacon of light in that darkness. There is hope… I am living proof. ♥

World Suicide Prevention 2012

World Suicide Prevention day just passed and I feel like a bad Bipolarmuse for not addressing this topic and bringing it to light yesterday.

I have certainly endured my share of loved ones killing themselves, and as a survivor, it is one of the most traumatic experiences I have dealt with in my entire life. For those of you who have followed by blog… you know I have certainly been through a-lot. A-lot of ugly, sad, and horrific experiences, yet surviving a loved ones suicide is certainly at the top of the list for the most difficult circumstances to live through. The only thing more difficult was enduring the fact that my son was physically abused.

I have loved 3 people who have killed themselves.

*Kevin Ammons- My Uncle who took his own life… a drug addicted, depressed man, with horrible life experiences to add to his sorrows.

*Brandon S.- My ex who took his life nearly 3 months after he and I ended our two year relationship.

*Keith Leavitt- Another Uncle who took his life because of a broken heart.

All three were unique, yet all three suffered greatly and felt the need to end it… to escape their mental pain.

Suicide is preventable. Most people who commit suicide do not want to die but want to end their emotional suffering.

People are afraid of talking about the subject… afraid that mentioning it will somehow give others the “idea” if they had never previously considered it an option… they are afraid of the stigma associated with suicide… they are afraid. We cannot allow fear to control us and need to speak openly about suicide, prevention and education, and mental health… bring it to light instead of allowing it to fester in the dark. Education is golden… a step towards prevention.

Stop the stigma.

Start talking.

** If you are depressed and contemplating suicide, please reach out to someone. Even a  hotline if you need to be anonymous. Do everything within your power to fight for your life. You are worth the fight. **

Bipolar Quote by Amy Reed

“I said just let me try one more time and she said, “THAT’S ENOUGH, ISABEL,” again, and she could just say it over and over and it would never get through my thick skull because I’m always wanting and wanting because nothing is ever enough you are never enough I am never enough I am never enough I AM NEVER ENOUGH.”
Amy Reed, Crazy

This section of the above quote stands out to me… “I’m always wanting and wanting because nothing is ever enough you are never enough I am never enough I am never enough I AM NEVER ENOUGH.”

“You are never enough, I am NEVER enough”. God, this sends bells ringing in my head because it really hits home. Bipolar disorder, when untreated, or not treated well, can certainly turn your life upside down and bring about a confusion that is so very hard to explain.

This hits home for me. Though at this moment I am feeling “content”, I remember very well the constant “want”, the feeling that the “want” could never be filled… that what I had was never enough…and then the ultimate self destructing thought that I was never enough. I was always lacking… I was a void. My life was not worth anything… I wasn’t worth anything.

Depression can do so many ugly things to you… it removes you of your personality, it removes the life from your eyes… bones… your beating heart…each breath. It completely breaks you down until you feel there is no reason to keep going on.

I know many do not understand mental disorders… but know that mood disorders are brutal. They devastate every aspect of ones life and leave behind destruction… it destroys that which was built with the best of intentions. Mood disorders are very often deadly. 30-70% of suicides victims have suffered from some sort of depression. (Web MD) That is a staggering statistic. These deaths could be prevented.

** When you look in that mirror and feels that you are not enough… know that you are not alone. Others have felt that horrible pain. Somehow, some way, try to find a light in that darkness and reach for it with all your strength. Seek that light wholeheartedly. Ask for help. Reach out. I know that this seems impossible… I know that it may seem pointless. BUT YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTH THE FIGHT. **

Allow me to be that example that there is hope. There is a light somewhere in all that darkness… I promise that it is there. If I could get to this point that I am at, anyone can. I have hit the lowest of lows. I have lived with mood disorders as long as I can remember, and with a medical paper trail for 12 years.

Never give up. I believe in you.

Melancholy Part 2

 

Over the years I have used many “self-help” books to “cure” me from my mood disorders. I have stated before that I was in denial for quite some time that my problem was deeper than I truly let on. I am going to give you a little more in depth timeline of how my mental health changed over time.

 

When I turned 18 I was elated to be moving out of my home with my parents and in with my boyfriend who became my husband a month later. We started dating when I was 15 and for the most part, my depression seemed to subside a bit. It wasn’t always in the forefront of my mind. I had my 2 oldest children very young and very close together. I was 18 when my first was born and 19 when my second was born. They are quite literally 11 months and 11 days apart. depression seemed to stay away for a while even though I had the “blues” after each pregnancy. I am very fortunate because I absolutely loved being pregnant and had very easy deliveries. My body was made for having children. I kept reading books that said to be on the lookout for postpartum depression… which I didn’t think I had. After my second child was born, I went to the doctor for “restlessness”, “irritability”, “insomnia” (the babies slept fine, I was the one who couldn’t sleep), and feeling “down” even though everything was going great. The doctor told me to start exercising, take vitamins, and have a nightly routine to help with the insomnia. Immediately I began to exercise. It was something I needed to do for health and from what the doctor said, for mental health as well.

I began to notice a pattern…. I would become addicted to something for a short time and then switch it off for another addiction. Not drugs or alcohol… just activities or reading…hobbies… simple things like that. Exercise became my addiction. I worked out 7 days a week if I could… 6 for sure. And sometimes, after going to the gym, I would go hoe and workout there. It was wonderful in many ways… I got into amazing shape, felt my mood lift a bit, and slept quite well.

Out of the blue, I decided to chop my hair off. This wasn’t new to me though because I always grew it long and then chopped it off. Well, this new short style seemed to transform me…or I was transforming regardless. I finally grew into myself so to speak and got a-lot of attention from the opposite sex. This started to be a problem and I came up with “solutions” that were not appropriate for a marriage. Basically, I was in the throes of my first hypo-manic/manic attack. Literally a couple months into the mania, I was divorced. I didn’t have custody of my kids and I spiraled from there.

I always fluctuated from severe depression to grand hopes of going to school and becoming something great… I wanted to make great money and share custody of my children. This Grand thought prompted my 1st move to AZ where I lived with my Mom and tried to go to school. My grades were great… my attendance… not so great. I eventually got kicked out of school because of attendance. My plan failed. Again, I was back at square one… my babies were not with me… I had zero skills for a good job… all I could think of was getting into a horrific car crash with a diesel truck. It consumed my thoughts.

Then I met “B”… the bipolar lunatic with severe suicidal tendencies… and I fell in love with. MADLY. We were a toxic combo. My depression became even more severe because I was constantly in a state of worry that “B” would kill himself. I made my first Psychiatric appointment in the year 2000… after I was taking a bath in which all I could think of was drowning myself in it.
I saw the PDoc the very next day.

I sat in this Psychiatric groups office that was trendy, visually stimulating, and full of people. I was the only one unable to stop crying. I filled out a lengthy questionnaire and met with my Doc for about 15 minutes. He never “told” me a diagnosis, though he did say that based on how long depression had been a part of my life, I had “major” depression. He handed me samples of Serzone and a script and out the door I went. The Serzone caused crazy visual side affects that I called him instantly about… so my prescription was changed to Wellbutrin Sr150 twice daily. It was my miracle drug at that time. But that too changed…

Existing Talent

I got this comment to my post Mood Disorders And The Artist and wanted to share it with you.

“I really like your blog.It is understandable that what is creative and new comes from a different kind of mind state than what is common.It is also common to see people in creative professions abuse substances to have that edge. Given, the altered state is due to mental illness or the substance artistic genius cannot come out of ordinary brain. The reason for the wonderful works of art or poetry is the training and genius behind the person and not just the illness. There are so many ill who do not do great.

The problem is many artists feel that they must experience the depth of emotion and do not seek treatment when they are ill even when it is available.They succumb to suicide at low points.I hate to see people die especially the creative ones. Your blog can educate people regarding these issues. By the way I am a practicing psychiatrist.”

This sentence really stood out to me… “The reason for the wonderful works of art or poetry is the training and genius behind the person and not just the illness. There are so many ill who do not do great.

The moods of the illness can enhance who we already are… the moods can compliment the talent that is ALREADY there. The training of the artist, the practice, the play of words… all of it is there… sometimes the moods can be the catalyst to transform the vision into the work. But it is ALREADY there. I love that and it didn’t really sink in until now.

Thank you Dheeraj Kattula for your comment. Your insight is profound and helped me to see things in a different view.

May this blog continue to reach many different people. May it provide insight to those on the outside looking in, and may it offer a light of hope to those who live in the grips of the world of manic depression. ♥

Meet B

Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone’s eyes.” ~ Unknown

Meet B. As you can tell, this photo is not in the best quality at all. Sadly… I barely have any pictures of him left. 3 to be exact and the other 2 are with his son, so though they are better pictures, out of respect to others, I felt a pic of B by himself is the best option.

It is funny… in this picture he clearly smokes, but after he and I started dating, he never smoked…at least not to my knowledge. LOL.

This day, May 29th, is the 10 year anniversary of his suicide. He died sometime at night (details are now fuzzy), but the 30th is the day I found out and the 30th marks the day my world drastically changed for me mentally.

I hope he has found the peace he was always searching for. I hope his pain is gone and that his mind, heart, and soul is healed.

Related articles:

Bipolarmuse♥ Left With Wondering Why

Bipolarmuse♥ Kiss Him Goodbye

** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2002. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **

Kiss Him Goodbye

I finally get a grip on myself. I must. I have no choice.

I walk closer to his casket and I am trembling.

The closer I get the more it looks as though he is sleeping. I have seen that sleeping silhouette in life…and now I get to see it in his death.

I get up to him and people have put things in his casket to be buried with him. I have nothing to put in. I really wish I had some watermelon flavored bubble gum at this moment. That is what I would give him. Silly, I know.

I stare at his chest… begging God to let me see him breathe… yet he is still. I am BEGGING for this to be a prank… a joke that B would love to pull.

I rub his arms… I can feel the hair, which would royally piss him off because he always kept them shaved. **smile**

I stare at his face… his lips… his forehead.

I thought he looked amazing, considering.

A woman who loved him long before I did wanted to speak to me. She is the mother of his son…

We sit to the side in private.

– He really loved you. –

All I can do is cry.

Here is this beautiful woman who has loved him many more years than I have, and she wants me to know he truly loved me.

Such a beautiful gesture.

I thank her… profusely.

My mind is blank… I can’t form any thoughts.

I just want him to stand up and cackle, and say “GOTCHA”… I wait for it as though it is a possibility.

His Dad calls me over to his casket.

We both stand there… silent… staring down at his first born child…

He breaks the silence…

– Kiss him goodbye. –

And so I did. I kissed his forehead with my tears falling onto his face.

~ Goodbye B…sleep tight. ~ Godspeed…sweet dreams.

© bipolarmuse 2012

My Immortal- Evanescence

When B and I officially split up (we broke up several times and then got back together)… I felt like I walked away with my head held high, and that I had been “over” the relationship long before it was over.

However, when he passed away, I was hurled right back into the relationship. All of a sudden I hadn’t lost an “ex” but rather my “fiance”. I was catapulted back into the relationship and rubbed raw by all the emotions of what we went through together. His death opened old wounds and gave me new ones. Life all of a sudden became “before he died” and “After he died”… it was a pivoting point in my life.

This song came out not long after he passed… and I felt like it was a soundtrack to my life in that moment.

It speaks for itself.