Tag Archives: Relationships

Another Mothers Day Has Passed …

loveYouForever

Mothers Day is one of the most difficult days of the year for me. A sad day. A tearful day.

Sadly, my children have always lived with their Dad. Not because I didn’t want them with me, not because I have done something wrong… but because of the way that circumstances played out.

Every year, the kids will make gifts for “Mom” for ‘Mothers Day’, and each year, though they do those crafts at school, I never receive a single one.

Why?

During my many visits, I have seen some of the sweet things made to be given to me on mothers day, some of the gifts the kids had even told me about before hand, but they have never made it to me….

Why?

The simple answer … they were addressed to “Dad”.

If you are reading this and you do the same thing, and the “Mom” is still in the picture as much as possible… don’t treat her as though she is dead.

I may not live right next door, and I may not get to spend most of my time with my children, but I am here. I do all that I can with the way things are. I talk to my kids, during visits I teach them things, create crafts with them, play, color, sing to them, teach them learning songs, count to 20, count to 100, help with homework, teach them manners, morals, and how to be kind… and so on. I try to be here for them, I try to teach them new things, I try to show them how to be a good person. When I am with them, and a holiday for their Dad approaches, I make sure to have them make their Dad a card, or get something for them to give him… I remind them to call I make sure to deliver their gift. I treat him like he is their Dad… cause he is.

I would never replace the word “Father” for “Mother”… or cross out Dad’s name to replace with mine… Never.

The first time I noticed that something meant to come to me for Mothers Day did not, it hurt. My little ones told me of what they had made for me, but it never got sent out. Then, months later, I found out why. During one of my visits, I came across the crafts they told me they had made me for Mothers Day… and I started to cry uncontrollably when on the front, the word “mother” was crossed out and replaced with “father”.

I am still here!!!!

I am not dead.

I don’t need every single mothers day activity completed since preschool, but one, or maybe two would have been nice.

Just keep this in mind.

In the big picture, this isn’t a big deal… but when it comes to the most painful things about not having my children with me as primary custodian… this is a big deal.

I am not dead, don’t act as though I am.

Actually, the irony is… if I were dead, every single one of those cards and gifts would have become memorialized… perhaps taken to my grave… never to be “seen” by me… but cried over and a big deal to the little ones giving it.

Instead, I don’t get them, or see them… as if I were dead… but not JUST dead…

dead and hated.

©bipolarmuse June 2015

I Would Like a “Pause” Please.

Oh my.

Life has been so very hectic as of late and I have so many posts I want to make, so many topics I want to talk about, and yet I feel as though I have NO time whatsoever to spare to do so!

PAUSE PLEASE!!!!!

I must happily tell you that I have moved into my new house (new to me anyhow), and am now completely flustered trying to get everything in its rightful place. Everything else will either be thrown away, or it will be donated… I can see the beginnings of a “hoarder” and I must nip it in the bud NOW! LOL. I refuse to be the cra cat lady, living with her dead husband and pets, all 199 of em (pets, not husbands, wink wink, I think)…. walking through the garbage bin of a house… pissing off neighbors, and having my children refusing to come visit me. I will not become her.

PAUSE PLEASE

What can I tell you about the new home?? It is so cozy to me… my personal castle…I literally get little flutters in my tummy when I am driving home because I love the way I feel when I am here… I love it so much. It is home to me… it is soothing… it is where I feel completely content… this is a new phase in my life and I feel this subtle hum of energy that is insanely addicting. It feels so wonderful to feel like this. No doubt that part of the reason I feel so great is that my little ones will be here in a couple weeks!!!!!! I am excited beyond explanation! I feel on top of the world!!!!!

In a matter of days I will have all of my children here… sharing this new home that I absolutely LOVE… sharing my love with not only my children, but also with this amazing man who has kept me on my toes in love for nearly three years now… we are going to be making lasting memories here in my castle, enjoying this amazing backyard… creating memories, these moments, little bits of life to live in our minds and our hearts ~ FOREVER~

myBackyardYo©bipolarmuse 2015

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.

YOU.

ARE.

THE.

QUEEN.

Always have been.

xo

©bipolarmuse 2015

Counter-Dependence Self Quiz

This is from the book “The Flight From Intimacy”… how Counter-Dependent are you??

This is lengthy but will give you an idea of how many characteristics you have.

Place a number next to each sentence… indicating the degree to which the statements apply to you. Then tally em up at the end!

1=Never, 2= Occasionally, 3= Frequently, 4=Almost Always

Start Quiz*******************************************

I feel a kind of free floating anxiety when I have nothing to do. ___

I look to other people, substances, or activities to make me feel good. ___

I have a difficult time knowing what I want or need. ___

I fear that I will be smothered if I get too close to my spouse or friend. ___

I have a difficulty knowing how I really feel inside. ___

I exaggerate my accomplishments a bit when I meet someone new. ___

I get anxious when m  partner wants to be intimate with me. ___

I’m afraid people will find out that I’m not who they think I am. ___

I demand perfection of myself and others. ___

I work long hours and never seem to get finished with my work. ___

I don’t like to ask other people or help, even id I need it. ___

I prefer to work alone rather than with others. ___

I feel controlled by what others expect of me. ___

I feel it is really important to have the “right answers”. ___

I get afraid of being consumed by the needs of others. ___

I function best in structured situations where I am in charge. ___

I feel important when someone asks me for my opinions. ___

I find it difficult to form and maintain intimate relationships. ___

I have trouble deciding if I want sex or nurturing touch. ___

I have trouble relaxing, and I have chronic tension in my body. ___

I enjoy being the center of attention at social gatherings. ___

I don’t like to admit to a mistake. ___

I reject offers of help from others, even if I need it. ___

I have thoughts about sex each day that interfere with my work. ___

I see myself and others as either all good or all bad. ___

I compare myself to others, feeling either better or worse than them. ___

I am told that I am not aware of the needs or concerns of others. ___

I feel hurt when an accomplishment of mine is not recognized. ___

I deny my problems or discount the importance of my problems. ___

*** Total score (add all the numbers) ______

Here are the results:

102-120 VERY HIGH number of counter-dependent behavior patterns. Can have a serious effect on your functioning level.

79-101 HIGH number of counter-dependent behavior patterns. Can have a moderate effect on your functioning level.

56-78 SOME counter-dependent behavior patterns. This range has a minor effect on your functioning level.

30-55 FEW counter-dependent behavior patterns. This range has little or no effect on your functioning level.

This quiz is taken directly from the book itself, I do not take credit for it of course, because it isn’t mine. This is simply a guideline… a quiz to make you more self-aware. If you scored high, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your Doctor to discuss what these results mean for you. ALWAYS seek medical advice from a Doctor. I am not a Doctor, nor a therapist. I am simply someone riding the roller-coaster of life and sharing it with you.

©bipolarmuse 2015

A New Thought~ Counter-Dependence

Introduction to Counter-Dependence

Counter-Dependence Post 2, I never was super woman

Counter-Dependence Post 3, This is gonna take forever!

Whoopsies!!!

My computer has almost flown out the window a couple times recently… to meet the hard pavement below and shatter into bunches of pieces!! Then I would happily go downstairs and beat the shit out of whatever remained of it with a hammer from my garage…

Am I frustrated much?? YES!

We recently “upgraded” our modem to a much “faster, newer, BETTER model”, and it has been HELL ever since.

After spending a lot of time writing my last post, (of which you have NOT seen yet, because of this piece of shit modem… -this post will explain-…) I decided to go ahead and post it. As I normally do, before clicking “publish”, I selected all the text and “copied” it. I do this to prevent losing my work in the event it gets screwed up and doesn’t actually post to my blog.

I am safe and won’t lose my work, right??

WRONG

My computer actually shutdown, which is my fault because I ignored its notifications, so I simply plugged it back in and booted it up. I got back into WordPress and low and behold, the post did NOT in fact, post. I smile to myself because I had saved it for this exact purpose… I am in the clear… or am I??

NOPE, I sufficiently screwed myself.

For reasons unknown to me… when I “copied” my text, it did not actually copy. I have no clue why. So when the computer turned off and I booted it back up, I lost it all.

So now I gotta get it together and write it again. Yay! (Sarcasm noted…)

On a side note… I got my Wii on the way!!! Woot Woot! I enjoy the wii for some exercise time, and time to spend with my man. We enjoy playing games together… so I know this will be good for us to have to enjoy with each other. 🙂 For some “us” time. A little golf on the Wii, along with a lil wine… ahhhhhhhh yes, fun times to come! I will indeed post and share the fun…

I hope you all are enjoying your Christmas season… hold your loved ones close and never pass the chance to let them know you love them… NEVER pass that up. ♥

Counter-Dependence Series Post 2- I never was super woman…

weak

Just so you are aware, everything I mention here, unless otherwise noted, is geared for adults and not for children.*

What I found crazy interesting is this statement in the book “The Flight From Intimacy”- “People with counter-dependent behaviors also have a sense that they are not ‘whole’ without the help of someone else… however, they try to hide this fact from others so they can appear as if they really don’t need other people.”

I am super woman, remember?? I don’t need anyone. I can drive myself to the hospital with baby bag in hand, a camera and cell phone in the other, ready to give birth to my 4th child. Yep, I can do it all alone. After giving birth, without any drugs because I am super woman and don’t need them, I happily kept my baby girl in my hospital room overnight, refusing help from the nurses, because I am superwoman, and then the next morning, I dress myself, my 1 day old baby girl, put her into her infant carrier, and (with snow and ice falling the night before) I walk us to the car parked in guest parking and I drive us home in freezing temperatures… I NEED NOBODY.

I FUCKING LIED…

And my sick brain knew it… and punished me severely for it.

Yes, I am telling you the truth. My husband at the time was deployed to the Middle East when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I was alone in a new state with no family, and hardly a friend. I had myself, and I would not let us down… and I do have to say that I did do an amazing job… my Mommy instincts took over, and even though my mind was slowly unraveling, it did not fail me where it mattered most~taking care of my babies.

I did myself a disservice though by pretending to be so strong, because the truth was, I wasn’t at all. I truly believed I didn’t need a soul, but fooling myself was no easy task and after a short time, my world fell apart. I destroyed what I wanted the most… my family.

Now I have 20/20 vision and can clearly see what I should have done at that time, yet it does me no good… I can’t have back what I lost, all I can do is observe my self and make changes in my life daily to mend the broken Muse.

©bipolarmuse 2014

Read more on this new series on Counter Dependency- Post 1 Introduction

Counter-Dependency Series~ Introduction – Post 1

Lets do this! Each week I am going to post information based on the book, “The Flight From Intimacy”… follow along and lets start the healing process.  🙂 xoxo

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EVERYONE has heard of co-dependency right?? I have seen self-help book after self-help book to cover that one single issue that we all probably have symptoms of… some more-so than others. What is the flip side of this subject?? It is Counter-Dependence… and there isn’t much out there about it. In 2009/2010, I stumbled across a self-help book called “The Flight From Intimacy” and it instantly had me captivated. I snatched it off the shelf and read a small introduction to what it entails, all the while I was walking up to the checkout counter. I was going to purchase the book from the title alone.

Why?

For quite some time, when in therapy, I had mentioned to my therapist that I felt a very real “disconnect”, and I felt that I never could let that wall down to allow intimacy into my life. Not just physical intimacy, but intimacy of every kind… friendships, family ties, even pets, and yes, lovers as well. I kept my heart and mind guarded completely, nothing at all could get past it ~ with the exception to my children.~ Aside from them, I struggled greatly to form bonds with those around me. There was never any depth to my relationships. I mentioned it so many times, and my therapist would usually brush it aside, and our sessions would take a different path. I realize now that he was indeed directing my sessions in a round about way to this subject matter, I just couldn’t see it in that moment. During one session, I mentioned it again… point blank… and his response was quick, to the point, matter-of-a-fact. He said, “That just may be the casualty of your chaotic childhood.” Period. That was it. Nothing more was said. I sat there, all sound removed from the room… I could see his mouth moving, his eyes staring intently into mine, but all I could here was muffled sounds in the distance and my own heart beat, pounding, violently pounding. Surely each beat could be felt from across the room, and it must be heard, it was ALL I could hear. So loud. My inability to “connect” on deeper level is just a casualty… that is all… a simple casualty from the young Muses life.

So, when I came across this book, it was like a light from heaven shining down in that perfect moment in Borders, with my caramel frapp in hand. I snatched it up, paid, and sat in my car looking it over with tears streaming down my face because I may have finally found what was “wrong” with me, and damnit, the book promises exercises, and coping skills to “fix” me! Hallelujah!

So let me run down the behaviors of one who is Counter-Dependent.

*Pushes others away

*Acts strong and invulnerable

*Is cut off from his/her feelings

*Is self centered

*Is addicted to activities or substances

*Is ‘armored’ against others’ attempts to get close

*Has falsely inflated self esteem

*Tries to ‘look good’

*Has manic energy

*Acts secure and strong

*Blames others

*Avoids intimacy and closeness

*Acts grandiose

*Tries to victimize others first

*Is a people controller

*Suffered abuse as a child (Compared to ‘suffered neglect as a child’ in the case of co-dependency.)

Interestingly, experts believe that the reason we develop “Co-dependence” and “Counter-dependence” behaviors, is because of subtle disconnects between parent and child during two of the most important developmental stages of bonding and separation. If we do not successfully develop these areas, we carry these into our adult lives and continue seeking completion within our relationships.

What must be done? Well, we must go back through those developmental stages and complete them. This book is going to help me do that, and I am going to post it all here for you all to follow along. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to contact me either here, in the comment option below ↓, or contact me personally at musey_bipolarmuse(at)yahoo(dot)com (I don’t spell the address out in the correct manner because computers are smart, and spammers could easily pick up the address written out correctly and hit my inbox up with spam. I detest spam. LOL

** I wanted to mention…. I really am excited about this book. In the intro, it mentions that it does NOT take the “disease” approach that has become the norm in our world these days. For example, alcoholism is a disease, dependency is a disease, mood disorders are a disease, and on and on… you get what I mean. This book does not take that approach, saying, “Millions of Americans have accepted a lower quality of life because they have passively accepted the judgmental diseased-orientated approach as the truth about addictive relationships. This book does NOT diagnose you as being sick but instead provides a map for your journey to changing your counter-dependent behaviors.

I am thrilled to explore this for myself, and I am even more thrilled to share it with you here. I plan to really take it to heart and participate in the written exercises and other tools offered to help me heal. To heal that toddler who was some how, in some way, unable to complete those very important developmental steps of bonding and separation. To heal the child in me who sadly was witness to many things a child shouldn’t have to experience. That child who played in the backyard, alone… climbed trees and explored, alone… that child who sat in her room, headphones blasting, writing heart breaking poetry, alone. Don’t get me wrong… I had love, lots of it, and I loved back. I had my Mom, who was my everything, who I loved and still love madly… and I had my Nanny (the affectionate term of endearment for my grandmother) and Gramps, who was my shelter in the storm. I had love. However, I also had a taste of hell on earth… and that in itself, stole me, and left me… alone.

♥ Musey

© bipolarmuse 2014

Help me help you… inspire one another… xo

A New Thought~ “Counter Dependence”

I have a strong love for self help books, and always have. I look to them to figure out “what’s wrong” with me… and for guidance in changing the things about myself that I feel need work. I am always trying to be very self aware, and I do believe I should always be learning and growing. Always pressing forward to become who “Musey” is. This is a life long adventure that will never have an end point… with my last breath, even in that moment, there will be growth.

The Flight From Intimacy

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The book is titled “The Flight FROM Intimacy” and is one of it’s kind. So much is discussed about “Co-Dependence” or “Co-Dependent Enabling”, but nothing is spoken about the flipside of Co-Dependency…  “COUNTER-DEPENDENCY”. What in the world is it?? Have you heard of if before??

In 2010, when I was in the grip of one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had, and of which happened to be the longest and most destructive breakdown I have ever experienced, one thing I had really come head to head with was my inability to have intimate relationships. Not only sexually intimate, but intimate in general… CLOSE relationships were impossible for me. I had walls. HUGE walls. They made it impossible for me to make lasting relationships of any kind, and kept me secluded, and “safe”. Is that truly what those walls accomplished?? NO. These walls did one thing… held me captive. Kept me alone. Sure, they did prevent me from being hurt by friends and loved ones, but more so, they prevented me from having any type of real, much needed healthy relationships.

As I go through this book, I am going to put blog posts here for you all to follow along as I learn, and share this new side of myself that truly isn’t “new”, but territory that is new for me to discover. Follow along with me, see how some of these traits appear to apply to you as well… and lets discover how to fix what needs to be repaired so that we may have more love in our lives! We deserve love and happiness! Sometimes we may think we deserve every second of misery we have inflicted upon ourselves, sometimes we fool ourselves into needing that so we do not forget… but I sit here today, exposing my heart and soul… and I invite you to do the same… lets figure out what we can control and change, lets discover how to be happier, to love more, to FEEL love more, and lets learn to heal our hearts, our minds, our complete selves. We have so much more life to live, love to share, and we need to begin at square one… forgiveness of self. All else will fall into place as we journey forward learning to love the one person we know deserves to be forgiven and loved, and held in a tight loving embrace… YOU.

I deserve this for myself. To forgive… to love… ME.

♥Musey

Another May Comes Around

Wow… I do not know where the time has gone! Of course, as I think about the last 20 years,  I think back to the different struggles (and the happy moments as well), I do not feel like I am the same person. Somehow, that part of me has died and left behind this part of me to move forward and forge a new path. I truly feel dead from the 2001 Muse… or the 1999 Muse. I do have some lingering pieces of myself from the 2003-2009 part of me though… and I hold onto those with a terrifying need. I feel like the pieces are slowly falling through my fingers to shatter and become scattered at my feet. For some reason, I feel this insane hunger to hold onto that time frame.

I do that as well with thoughts of B. For those of you who have followed along, you should remember who B is. For those of you who are new, or if you need a refresher… he is an ex who killed himself a couple months after we broke up. We had a very tumultuous relationship full of anger, doubt, hate, love, passion, and a need to feed off of the toxic elements we both brought to the table.

This year is his 12yr death anniversary. Wow. It is so crazy to think about how long ago that feels, yet the raw emotion of his choice still scratches hungrily at my heart, needing to feed on the misery, the sadness, the “why’s”. It is crazy… we all know the big “WHY”…. it is the smaller ones I need answered… the more personal… the acts directed at me personally… my “why’s” lie in that grey area and will never be satisfactorily answered. Only in the truth of Gods love and promise will I find the answers to my questions, providing there is such a place…

And so I sit.

I wonder.

I ponder.

My head gets heavy and water threatens to ruin my mascara and eyeliner.

Not this year… I won’t cry. I will smile to myself and laugh… shake my head in the realization he did hold up to ONE promise… he swore he would… But, he did say it wouldn’t be goodbye, it would be “see you soon”… we will see if that promise stands the test of time.

Happy Anniversary To Us!

anniversaryEli!

On August 10, my man and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We totally rocked it! 

(pssst… don’t mind the horrible hair in this picture… we were 24 hours into our celebration…lol… without stopping.)

Our day started like any other… a little wonderful morning lovin’… hugs, smooches, I love you’s, and happy anniversary to us! It is hard to imagine that I met him only a year ago, because not a day goes by where I feel like I am just learning who this man is… I feel like I have loved him my whole life… and have known him forever.

We decided to start by having breakfast at an old school tiny casino in the heart of Henderson. A little place I have been going to since I was a toddler, lol, literally. We put our name in and decided, “what the hell”, lets have a cocktail while we wait to be called to eat. It is our anniversary and we will party it up how we so choose. We did a cheers… to us… had a drink and then went and devoured our food.

As we were leaving, I noticed how much the bar had filled up. There were people lined up, one after another, gambling and drinking. I glanced at the arm of one man and was caught by surprise, the tattoos were unmistakable… could it be my cousin I had been looking for?? I looked at his profile and sure enough, it was my cousin I had lost contact with for the last two-three years. I asked my man if we could stay and have a couple drinks with him so we could catch up. Of course, my wonderful man pulled the chair out for me to sit on and he sat in the next. We bullshitted with my cousin for a few drinks, exchanged phone numbers, and then me and my man headed out the door … needless to say, it was on like donkey kong!

We stayed up and out…. partying like rock stars. Mind you, we started our celebration at about 9am on Saturday and didn’t stop until 2pm on Sunday. Then it was off to bed for us. LOL, we are STILL wore out!!

Happy anniversary to us! May we have many more years to come… happy in love.

And may we heed the lesson learned… we are NOT 22 anymore and cannot pull all nighters anymore. LOL

Why?

b1_edited

Why is it that the thought of you can still sting…

can instantly bring tears to my eyes…

can make me miss you like you were here just yesterday?

Why do you invade my dreams…

looking peaceful and glowing in the glory of the heavens…

That smirk on your face, I read your mind… “I am finally free baby girl.”

How can I be thrown into the past,

remember those eyes, those tears…

watching you crumble before me…a lost soul.

Why couldn’t I save you?

Why couldn’t my love protect you?

Why do I smell your cologne, hear your voice?

Why can’t I just forget and let go?

Why do I see you in “them”…

Why did I destroy the fruit of our love?

Why was “I” there that horrible night?

How do you still have this hold,

Was what your cousin said true…

that my heart was buried with you.

So many questions… so few answers…

Why?

©bipolarmuse 2012

**I wrote this well over a year ago, almost a year and a half… those who follow along with my blog will know the inspiration… I always feel that everything I write goes here in this blog, so even though I wrote this in the beginning of 2012, I feel compelled to put it up here.**

Suicide is so devastating to those left behind… yet, I understand the need to go, the horrible pain that brings one to this choice.

If you are suicidal, please ask for help.

I Will Wait For You

 

 

babiesBlueBonnets

 

I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

Getting This Mood In Control… Finding Peace

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Those of you familiar with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder know that we have a huge problem with emotional regulation and have to take painstaking steps to help try to keep our emotions within normal limits.

Emotional Dysregulation:  an emotional response poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. Common in those with Psychiatric Disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is found among those with Austism Spectrum  Disorders.

Technically  I have a double whammy since I have both Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I handed the little ones over to their Dad after our flight back to Texas, I was amazingly strong. Granted I did get many tears out of the way days leading up to their departure… and I gave the three of us pep talks their entire visit to try to remain in the “now” and to let them know that I will most definitely be seeing them as often as possible. I played up the perks and did not stress any of the disadvantages… in fact, I presented it to them as though there were no disadvantages at all. So as I buckled them into the car, we were all smiles, smooches, and talked about skyping so we could always ‘see’ each other.

Where does the topic of Emotional Dysregulation come into play?? Well, though I was able to pull off  ‘no tears’ at that important moment to ensure we parted with nothing but wonderful thoughts and the lovely adventure lying before us, these last couple days have been emotionally brutal and difficult to regulate. Yes, this is normal for all of us… but the lows have been excruciatingly low. For the last two days, once the afternoon has hit, it is as though  I am “mourning” and completely unable to prevent the tears from coming.

My eyes literally feel bruised… my head is throbbing… on my nightstand sits a roll of tissue, and tear soaked used tissues. I also found tissue under my pillow where I must have been holding onto it for when I would awake crying.

Keeping my sadness into a normal healthy range has been difficult… though I am absolutely trying.

The day before yesterday, I went to bed shortly after four in the afternoon and slept until the next morning. Tears never let me be. Then by the afternoon yesterday, my tearfulness emerged and it was nearly impossible to get it into control. In fact, I didn’t. I went to bed after eight pm and laid in bed crying, sobbing, and just leaking tears. Keeping my emotions in a healthy realm has proven difficult. Happily, my wonderful man has been reminding me of all the positives and trying to keep me in the present.

So… my strategies to help regulate my moods??

Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness. Exercise. Writing. Journaling. Taking a few minutes to become completely ‘aware’ in my here and now. Positive Affirmations. Redirection of thoughts. Acceptance of my feelings and knowing that sadness is appropriate for this situation. Drawing close to loved ones instead of pulling back. Taking care of myself by drinking plenty of water and eating. Perhaps jump into my favorite hobbies. Forgive, forgive, forgive.

Each day will be better than the last. And setbacks are only that, they do not warrant anymore than my acknowledgment and learning from them.

I would love to hear your opinions on how to help regulate these moods… ♥ Your thoughts are always appreciated and welcome. ♥

So Here I Sit

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Yesterday was July first… significant to me because it was the day that I had to fly my two little ones home to Texas for final preparations before their move to Germany with their Dad. Two hours ago, I traded them off to their Dad, and now I sit at the airport (an overnight stay on an uncomfortable bench) waiting to board my flight right back home. We reached our destination at midnight, and I board my next flight shortly after 5am.

Does this blow a big one?? Hell yes it does. Happily, the kiddo’s were so excited to see their Dad that I was able to help keep their happiness levels on nice even ground. I assured them that we will ‘skype’ and do ‘facetime’ VERY soon so we can see each other as we talk. They seemed to really like that idea which makes me ecstatic! I will NEED to see them and talk to them while they are away. It seems like they grow like weeds and I am unable to keep track and record all of their babyhood and childhood growing adventures.

Having them here with me for the month was beautiful and absolutely amazing. I literally enjoyed every moment from doing things with a couple friends to just relaxing at home with them. We watched Netflix, drank chocolate milk, ate cereal, and drank Gatorade…. ate chips, noodles, snacks… you get my drift.

I slept in their room every night, (and I certainly enjoyed that very much), and took turns cuddling them. I listened to their breathing become more rhythmic, and took delight in staring at their beautiful features under the moon light.

I loved every moment given to me.

And I look forward to more.

Right now, I focus on staying healthy… and will work ever so diligently on that.

I will always strive to be the best Mom I can be… and I will practice being more and more of what they need.

Because when it comes down to it… isn’t it all about making them happy?? Creating moments for them to remember forever?? Watching them grow in happiness, health, and always have that beam of sunlight shine upon me from the happiness in the hearts??

That is where my love is. It is not selfish… it is not spiteful… it is not hurtful.

It is holding hands, little kisses, unspoken moments, and sadness turned into happiness.

And so now, I sit in this airport… so silent. I hold onto the smiles and hugs and kisses… I hold onto the “I love you’s”… I hold onto the fact that they will experience a life I could not have given them. I hold onto the hope that they will one day understand my selflessness was born of love for them… My selfish mind and heart wants to fight tooth and nail to have them in my custody at all times, but that is not what is best for the kids…

And so I hold on.

The Damage of Mania

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One of the biggest mistakes made…  no doubt in the throes of this disorder… is to end (and at times, begin) relationships while in the grips of mania.

The devastation brought on by this is insane. You lose people you love… hurt those around you… lose friends and family that you thought you could always count on… your reputation is dragged through the mud, over and over… and the worst, you just hurt yourself and the one you love most to a degree that may never be mended.

I am no stranger to this. And have, more times than I would like to admit, ruined relationships this ugly way. The last being the straw that broke the camels back. I no longer stayed in denial about my disorders and aggressively sought to treat them… but the damage was done, the relationship could not be revived, and we parted ways promising to be good co-parents to our two youngest children.

The damage was severe. The pain I caused astronomical. The domino affect of my actions led to my son being abused physically by someone I thought I could trust… this list goes on and on.

When I was in therapy, I was all eyes and ears… I recognized the feelings, emotions, actions, controlling factors, and etc… I had experienced them all before, 11 years previous when I left my first husband and lost custody of my children. Not for being a bad mom, but, well it is a long story… Can be read here- Time to get real- 1,  about the first go around and  Time to get real- 2 about the second. The point is, it was not foreign to me. I recognized having done this before and I was seriously ready to get to the bottom of this problem… ready to fix it, and to never fall victim to it again.

It has been a very long road since. I have been out of therapy for nearly two years and look forward to starting again in September when my medicare kicks in. My bouts of mania have ceased… and depression creeps up and ducks out. I feel like I am trapped in my body, just watching and waiting for the next attack on my life. I want to be well equipped, able to fight off any actions that I have not thoroughly thought out and planned for while in a normal frame of mind. I don’t want my world to buckle again… I don’t want to have to rebuild from rubble and tears… I don’t want to have to spend years saying “I am sorry” to myself and to others… I don’t want to want to die.

I want to live… and as I am learning, I want to live well. My goal is to serve as an open book for my children, so they can learn from me and see the devastation that can come from impulsive decisions. I want them to learn what it is to rebuild and be successful when all odds are against you. I want them to learn that we can all love again… especially to learn to love ourselves. And most of all… if any of them inherit my mental health issues, I want them to learn how to live and thrive even though our minds may try to get us to do otherwise. I will always fight for them… they have always been my beacon, now it is my turn to be theirs.

This disorder no doubt tore me down while making me believe I was all powerful and fully in charge. When I get thoughts like that swirling around my head now, I take a step back and start picking things apart… and I no doubt find that I am manic, rapid cycling, or in a mixed state… all damaging in their own right.

Being Bipolar 1 certainly takes over ones life… but I can honestly say that I have been taking it back.

I will flourish. I will continually work on forgiveness… not for others necessarily, but for myself. I will not stay silent, but speak openly about my disorders. I will help anyone struggling with mental disorders, teaching them my experiences and how I kept my head above water… and I will help to educate anyone and everyone who will listen.

I will learn to be proud of myself. I will always move forward… even if I have to take a couple steps back at times. I will keep this fire inside of me.

And most important…

I WILL NEVER GIVE UP.

NEVER.