Two years ago…around this time… I was spiraling out of control and feeling the worst I had ever felt with my disorder. I was not capable of thinking straight, holding lasting relationships… I struggled during simple conversations, completing school work, going to work and doing a good job at work. I was making very poor choices, acting impulsively…constantly anxious and teetering from mania to depression and then back, often times all in one day. The doctor explained to me that I was a “rapid cycler” and would experience all the symptoms of mania, hypo-mania, and depression within the same day or within days of one another. I remember the constant agitation, the desperate deep sadness, the crazy fast driving mania. I remember hating my life, hating myself.
Fast forward two years.
I barely remember that person.
Did I get here over night?? Absolutely not. It took 1 year and 8 months to get to where I stand today. I went from hopeless, to breathing hope. I went from lifeless, to thriving. I went from craving death, to craving life. Don’t get me wrong… this certainly was not easy to do and it took a-lot of work on my part. But I want to stress that it can be done. I thought I was “finished”… that life had given me all that there was and there was no longer a reason to keep suffering the way I was. Did I truly want to die? No. But I wanted the pain and suffering to end.
After choosing to live and get help, I worked very hard to find stability and it took over a year to find me. Many things came together and helped me to move forward with my head up… and finally with no tears. Then it took more work from me to continue to grow and heal. I practice mindfulness, look at positive affirmations, reflect on how I feel today and the vast difference from two years ago, and I am faithful at taking my medication.
I don’t claim that getting this disorder under control is easy because it is not. But with continued effort and fighting, it can be accomplished. Know that you are not alone and that all hope is not lost. Find that tiny spark of light in the darkness, and follow it… allow it to guide you…
You can heal, you can grow, you can LIVE. Make it happen.