Tag Archives: Poetry

“…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley

morleyquote

I have made posts before where I mention the connection between “madness” being hand in hand with mood disorders, and artistic talents.

Granted, not everyone who is Bipolar has talents like that… many cannot hold a tune when it comes to singing, cannot play musical instruments, cannot write music or poetry… I am sure you get my point here.

In my case, I was lucky enough to have talent when it comes to singing and writing. I do not have an amazing voice, but I can hold a tune. I also loved music… passionately!! I would spend hours upon hours memorizing songs to sing… singing into my Karaoke machine… writing new songs… I was a total homebody, often in my own fantasy world, writing music and songs hour after hour, day after day. It was my happy place.

I tend to write more when I am mentally ‘unwell’. I am not sure why that happens to be the case, but it is. I can totally see the pattern. My ‘muses’ tend to be in a love affair with my ‘madness’. Am I out of my mind, in a corner, drooling on myself?? Or in 4 day old clothes, standing on a busy corner, screaming to anyone who looks at me about Gods love, and the imminent ‘end of the world’? No. Fortunately, that is not my “type” of madness.

Mine is subtle. Mine can be mute. Mine can be woven intricately with my core beliefs, my personal reality. Taunting me. Causing me to question my most personal thoughts, tainting my positivity with some sort of doubt. My madness plays a psychological chess mind fuck with ‘me’. But I am privy to its ways. I am not always in control of it, but I am Master over it, and I will always win… no matter the war it inflicts upon me, no matter what it does to TRY and destroy me… it won’t. It cannot.

I will ALWAYS win. ♥

©bipolarmuse 2015

In My Dreams

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What have you been trying to tell me?

Why have you been in my dreams…

Is it for you? Or is it for me?

Is it my brains need to see you… to feel you are ok…

Better than OK.

Is it my coping mechanism? After 11 years…

You would think I have fully coped.

Yet you play in my mind…

Hold me captive in my dreams.

Sometimes I awake and think you never died…

but reality comes back.

And that night plays in my head…

I wish I could have seen through your eyes,

felt with your heart…

Tasted your salty tears… if you cried that is.

I want to know why I was there…

Was it a final “Goodbye”… a final “I love you”?

Did you want to die with my image burned into your mind…

your soul?

Why?

You always joked you would haunt me…

I guess you truly are.

That is the only promise you kept.

I forgive you.

Why?

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Why is it that the thought of you can still sting…

can instantly bring tears to my eyes…

can make me miss you like you were here just yesterday?

Why do you invade my dreams…

looking peaceful and glowing in the glory of the heavens…

That smirk on your face, I read your mind… “I am finally free baby girl.”

How can I be thrown into the past,

remember those eyes, those tears…

watching you crumble before me…a lost soul.

Why couldn’t I save you?

Why couldn’t my love protect you?

Why do I smell your cologne, hear your voice?

Why can’t I just forget and let go?

Why do I see you in “them”…

Why did I destroy the fruit of our love?

Why was “I” there that horrible night?

How do you still have this hold,

Was what your cousin said true…

that my heart was buried with you.

So many questions… so few answers…

Why?

©bipolarmuse 2012

**I wrote this well over a year ago, almost a year and a half… those who follow along with my blog will know the inspiration… I always feel that everything I write goes here in this blog, so even though I wrote this in the beginning of 2012, I feel compelled to put it up here.**

Suicide is so devastating to those left behind… yet, I understand the need to go, the horrible pain that brings one to this choice.

If you are suicidal, please ask for help.

The Dreaded Day

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With a heavy heart… today is the day they depart.

I hurt.

My chest aches.

My eyes water.

I write this with tears flowing.

I know I will see them again…

Just not sure when.

I wish they could have stayed.

Another twist in life…

I will survive… even with

this pain.

I have many more tears.

My heart hurts.

I Will Wait For You

 

 

babiesBlueBonnets

 

I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

Hold Me

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Hold my breath,

forcing the smile.

I fear that to breathe,

Will make me crumble,

Choke on bile.

~

My heart feels gone,

You took it with you.

Hold it gently… cradle me.

I gave… you took…

Hold it gently, it’s already bruised.

~

No “goodbyes” allowed here…

for I will never utter those words.

I will always look ahead to you…

Close my eyes to linger in your presence.

Hold me where you are, abolish the hurt.

© bipolarmuse

Yesterdays Poem…

Yesterday I wrote a poem titled “Your Tears“. Now, when I wrote it, I had a concept in mind… and I was very tired from some serious lack of sleep. So as I was re-reading what I wrote, I realized I had many incoherent sentences and misspellings… etc. My lack of sleep (literally had about 2-3 hours), combined with my psych meds was evident. So this morning I took the few minutes it needed to fix it.

So, my apologies for the horrible writing I put forth yesterday. It is fixed. 🙂

Your Tears

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Your tears hold me captive…

no amount of struggle to be set free.

Your tears make me break…

Is wholeness ever to be?

~

In the night, you roll onto your  side…

tears sharp as they flow down your face.

You grab my arm as I roll to my side to hold you…

Your sobs uncontrollable, in rhythm, in pace.

~

My arm wrapped around you…

ssshhhhh my Love , take refuge in sleep

I lie there the whole  night,

My arms around you, feeling your heart beat.

~

His sorrow painful, he says “I just want  you.”

I hold tight and whisper into your heart and soul…

“no one can ever replace my love, I love you forever”….

Like a sinking ship, I go down. Forever I have you to hold.

©bipolarmuse 2013

Stand Up

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Fall down seven times, stand up eight. – Chinese proverb

It is very easy to become discouraged when mistakes are made. Sometimes we forget that we must learn from our wrong doings to prevent ourselves from making the same mistake twice.

Mistakes hurt… and often times, they hurt others as well…

What must be done when we stumble and fall down? WE GET BACK UP.

No matter how hard the fall, no matter the pain and sorrow, when you make a mistake, stumble and fall, do everything within your power to get back up again.

And one other important detail… never be afraid to ask for help.

I Love You Forever

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I love you forever

That is the title of this post, and what it written so beautifully on a sheet of paper pictured above.

I recently visited my little ones in Texas, (they live with their Dad), and they both were making me pictures, or as you see above… writing me little notes.

My daughter is the artist and put together some adorable cards for me, she is 5 years old so you can imagine just how cute her little drawings were. I absolutely love each thing she made for me… they are fun, creative, and a wonderfully heartfelt.

My son wasn’t in the “artsy” mood but decided to write me a couple notes… and this was one of them. First he came over to me and handed me a sheet of paper that said “I am going to miss you”… so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time… sadly, both the children know my visits have to come to an end and it is something we talk about each day I am there. It truly hurts my heart. I work with them and use “mindfulness” techniques to help keep us in the present moment and not project into the future when I must depart… which hurts my heart so much, as it does theirs. Most times this technique works, and it did this time with the exception of a day or two.

Anyhow (sorry about that little tangent) my son walks over and hands me another sheet of paper… the one pictured above. It beautifully said, “I love you forever.”

It stopped me dead in my tracks and the tears just came on their own… it was impossible to prevent them, nor stop them. I grabbed my son and pulled him close to me, squeezing him tight, and in a hushed, tear-touched voice I told him that I would love him forever and  more. I then sang “I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” This is a song I use to sing to him as a baby and toddler, borrowed from a childrens book with the title “I love you forever.”

This touched my heart deeply. There is no love like the love for your children…

Birthday Love

 

My birthday just recently passed… and my love made sure that he covered all bases. He got me a rocken gift, a MAC makeup paller… and a beautiful card that begins with “For the love of my life”. What I loved what was he wrote inside… his love very evident and beautiful. AND… he put a 21 candle on my cake as apposed to my real age, can he get any better? Certainly not. He is amazing and I love him through and through.

What HE wrote in the card: I love you my sweet beautiful baby! I have enjoyed getting to know you and follow the woman you were to the woman you are and to the woman you will become. I am happy to be a part of it.

What the card said: For the love of my life from the man who adores you. Thank you for being the love of my life, the wonderful one I adore, the person who shares all my dreams and desires, my plans, my adventures and more. Thank you for being my very best friend, my comforter when things go wrong, the one who encourages, cheers me, believes in me, changes my “weak” to my “strong.” Thank you for being my partner in life and for filling my heart with such pride- I feel like the happiest man in the world with the woman I love by my side.

Need I say more…

My Oh My… And A Silly Haiku

 

 

It has been a terribly long time since I have been on here so I thought it was damn time I pulled my head out of you know where and write an update… or at least something!

 

I promise I have been more productive nose-picker-300x211

than hanging out picking my nose… PINKY PROMISE.

 

I am still in love.

I am still on meds.

My children are all doing amazing!

I have really missed getting on here, sipping coffee… spitting coffee all over myself from Bring Me The Head Of David Dixon, and other fun blogs… and writing. It has been too long my friends.

Now that my head is in a place where I can see more clearly, I shall be back to writing. And if I have nothing to say, I will find something funny or inspiring to share with you… cause that is how I roll.

I have missed you all and look forward to reading your shiz…

silly Haiku

many days gone by

pulled my head out of my arse

more of you I see

© bipolarmuse 2013

Love ~~ Rumi Quote

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“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.”
Rumi

To be in love… Rumi says it so beautifully.

He is my muse, the flutter in my chest, the beat of my heart, the writings from my pen.

Love has very healing powers. While I know that my disorders will always reside with me, when in love, their presence becomes less and less. He has healed my heart in so many indescribable ways. He in incredible and not only wants me to flourish, but he tells me to ‘forgive’ myself for past pains, he wants me to thrive. To be happier than I can ever imagine.

Not long ago, I didn’t believe in “love”. I believed I was capable of loving but that was the extent of what love was for me. With him, love is abundant… continuously growing and healing the scars on my heart, mind, and soul. He not only kissed away the pains, but also encourages me to heal and forgive.

I am working on forgiveness constantly, it does not come easily.

With love, I heal.

With his love… I heal, thrive, and grow.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

19,000 people fit into the new Barclays Center to see Jay-Z perform. This blog was viewed about 64,000 times in 2012. If it were a concert at the Barclays Center, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.