Tag Archives: Poetry

“…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley

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I have made posts before where I mention the connection between “madness” being hand in hand with mood disorders, and artistic talents.

Granted, not everyone who is Bipolar has talents like that… many cannot hold a tune when it comes to singing, cannot play musical instruments, cannot write music or poetry… I am sure you get my point here.

In my case, I was lucky enough to have talent when it comes to singing and writing. I do not have an amazing voice, but I can hold a tune. I also loved music… passionately!! I would spend hours upon hours memorizing songs to sing… singing into my Karaoke machine… writing new songs… I was a total homebody, often in my own fantasy world, writing music and songs hour after hour, day after day. It was my happy place.

I tend to write more when I am mentally ‘unwell’. I am not sure why that happens to be the case, but it is. I can totally see the pattern. My ‘muses’ tend to be in a love affair with my ‘madness’. Am I out of my mind, in a corner, drooling on myself?? Or in 4 day old clothes, standing on a busy corner, screaming to anyone who looks at me about Gods love, and the imminent ‘end of the world’? No. Fortunately, that is not my “type” of madness.

Mine is subtle. Mine can be mute. Mine can be woven intricately with my core beliefs, my personal reality. Taunting me. Causing me to question my most personal thoughts, tainting my positivity with some sort of doubt. My madness plays a psychological chess mind fuck with ‘me’. But I am privy to its ways. I am not always in control of it, but I am Master over it, and I will always win… no matter the war it inflicts upon me, no matter what it does to TRY and destroy me… it won’t. It cannot.

I will ALWAYS win. ♥

©bipolarmuse 2015

In My Dreams

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What have you been trying to tell me?

Why have you been in my dreams…

Is it for you? Or is it for me?

Is it my brains need to see you… to feel you are ok…

Better than OK.

Is it my coping mechanism? After 11 years…

You would think I have fully coped.

Yet you play in my mind…

Hold me captive in my dreams.

Sometimes I awake and think you never died…

but reality comes back.

And that night plays in my head…

I wish I could have seen through your eyes,

felt with your heart…

Tasted your salty tears… if you cried that is.

I want to know why I was there…

Was it a final “Goodbye”… a final “I love you”?

Did you want to die with my image burned into your mind…

your soul?

Why?

You always joked you would haunt me…

I guess you truly are.

That is the only promise you kept.

I forgive you.

Why?

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Why is it that the thought of you can still sting…

can instantly bring tears to my eyes…

can make me miss you like you were here just yesterday?

Why do you invade my dreams…

looking peaceful and glowing in the glory of the heavens…

That smirk on your face, I read your mind… “I am finally free baby girl.”

How can I be thrown into the past,

remember those eyes, those tears…

watching you crumble before me…a lost soul.

Why couldn’t I save you?

Why couldn’t my love protect you?

Why do I smell your cologne, hear your voice?

Why can’t I just forget and let go?

Why do I see you in “them”…

Why did I destroy the fruit of our love?

Why was “I” there that horrible night?

How do you still have this hold,

Was what your cousin said true…

that my heart was buried with you.

So many questions… so few answers…

Why?

©bipolarmuse 2012

**I wrote this well over a year ago, almost a year and a half… those who follow along with my blog will know the inspiration… I always feel that everything I write goes here in this blog, so even though I wrote this in the beginning of 2012, I feel compelled to put it up here.**

Suicide is so devastating to those left behind… yet, I understand the need to go, the horrible pain that brings one to this choice.

If you are suicidal, please ask for help.

The Dreaded Day

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With a heavy heart… today is the day they depart.

I hurt.

My chest aches.

My eyes water.

I write this with tears flowing.

I know I will see them again…

Just not sure when.

I wish they could have stayed.

Another twist in life…

I will survive… even with

this pain.

I have many more tears.

My heart hurts.

I Will Wait For You

 

 

babiesBlueBonnets

 

I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

Hold Me

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Hold my breath,

forcing the smile.

I fear that to breathe,

Will make me crumble,

Choke on bile.

~

My heart feels gone,

You took it with you.

Hold it gently… cradle me.

I gave… you took…

Hold it gently, it’s already bruised.

~

No “goodbyes” allowed here…

for I will never utter those words.

I will always look ahead to you…

Close my eyes to linger in your presence.

Hold me where you are, abolish the hurt.

© bipolarmuse