Tag Archives: Music

“…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley

morleyquote

I have made posts before where I mention the connection between “madness” being hand in hand with mood disorders, and artistic talents.

Granted, not everyone who is Bipolar has talents like that… many cannot hold a tune when it comes to singing, cannot play musical instruments, cannot write music or poetry… I am sure you get my point here.

In my case, I was lucky enough to have talent when it comes to singing and writing. I do not have an amazing voice, but I can hold a tune. I also loved music… passionately!! I would spend hours upon hours memorizing songs to sing… singing into my Karaoke machine… writing new songs… I was a total homebody, often in my own fantasy world, writing music and songs hour after hour, day after day. It was my happy place.

I tend to write more when I am mentally ‘unwell’. I am not sure why that happens to be the case, but it is. I can totally see the pattern. My ‘muses’ tend to be in a love affair with my ‘madness’. Am I out of my mind, in a corner, drooling on myself?? Or in 4 day old clothes, standing on a busy corner, screaming to anyone who looks at me about Gods love, and the imminent ‘end of the world’? No. Fortunately, that is not my “type” of madness.

Mine is subtle. Mine can be mute. Mine can be woven intricately with my core beliefs, my personal reality. Taunting me. Causing me to question my most personal thoughts, tainting my positivity with some sort of doubt. My madness plays a psychological chess mind fuck with ‘me’. But I am privy to its ways. I am not always in control of it, but I am Master over it, and I will always win… no matter the war it inflicts upon me, no matter what it does to TRY and destroy me… it won’t. It cannot.

I will ALWAYS win. ♥

©bipolarmuse 2015

Safe and Sound

This song is so stuck in my head!! It has been playing in my mind for about a week now!

Safe and Sound

When I was first diagnosed with mental disorders I thought “ok, I can do this. I have been living this way as long as I can remember”…. then the stigma of it hit me like a tidal wave and I had to pretend that all was ok. I was told everything from “meds make you a zombie”, I “feel like I have lost my sister” (told to me by my younger sister because the meds dulled me down), “you don’t look sick, it is all in your mind”, “Pull out of it like the rest of us do”, “the doctors are just telling you something is wrong so you go back and they make money off of you”… etc. I am sure that those of you with mood/mental disorders have heard these lines or something similar.

It wasn’t until my last breakdown that I realized I would always…. ALWAYS…. need medication and therapy. My disorder ran rampant for so many years that it got worse and worse over time.

Now that I am in a better place emotionally, I see things differently. I finally smell fresh cut grass, rain on the hot pavement, flowers, bbq’s, and more. In the throes of depression, all of these things were muted for me. I have written about it before but I will write about it again soon.

Now, in this place I reside within my mind… though not perfect… I know that I will be safe and sound… I have taken extreme measures to get to this point.

When you are struggling and think you cannot go another day… hold on with all of your strength… and come here, or to Bipolarmuse’s facebook page  to see that someone has made it against all odds, and you can too.

Keep breathing. Practice mindfulness. Be gentle to yourself.

A Song That Defined The 90’s For You??

On the radio they were talking about these “lists” that come out, of songs, that “represent” the time frame… like the 90’s for example, and all the songs listed were NOT the song that defined the 90’s for me. The only song that stands out like a sore thumb, that would be indicative of  that time, again… for me… well, may not be the song you remember most… however, you would have to agree that this band was huge in the mid 90’s and remain to be a staple today. At least for people like me. LOL.

So what song has 90’s stamped on it for me?? No Doubts Just A Girl….

I sooooooo rocked this song…

I Will Wait For You

 

 

babiesBlueBonnets

 

I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, white shirt,

walked into the room

you know you made my eyes burn.

It was like James Dean,

f or sure.

Your so fresh to death and

sick as ca-cancer.

You were sort of punk rock

I grew up on hip hop,

you fit me better than my favorite sweater.

And I know… that love is mean,

love hurts.

But I still remember that day

we met in December.

Oh Baby,

I will love you

till the end of time,

I would wait a million years…

Promise you will remember you are mine.

LOVE THIS SONG…

 

 

Ahhhh, I know there will be haters…

I have been addicted to this song since the first time I heard it on the radio…but I could never catch who the artist was who sang it. So tonight, while driving to go rollerblading with my son, the song came on and I wrote down “As long as you love me” to search for it on youtube.

I was shocked to say the least.

It’s a Bieber song… take a listen. ♥

With Poetic Words ~ Like Red On A Rose

** I wanted to post this song along with my poem… at one time , these words truly meant something to me…and in ways, still do. And like the love lost…this song has a special place in my heart. Country music is not usually my favorite…but this is one of the most beautiful tributes to “Love”…and I remember those moments through this song…**

That first time, into your eyes I gazed…

 infatuation of a newborn love blazed back,

searing into mine.

In you, I could see my life.

Your palm fit perfectly with mine…

The energy, the heat,

The longing… the love like red…

Like red on a rose.

The butterflies, fluttering within…

…the ‘forevers’ whispered.

the adoring passion of your gaze…

seen from the corner of my eyes,

I saw it, all the while, pretending to be blind.

I didn’t want to give up on us…

nor break my own heart.

Instead I broke two…I broke us.

Now with poetic words, I sing…

I gave up on me…but never on our love.

© bipolarmuse 2012

A little Kryptonite

I don’t want to beat it like a dead horse… but today will be dedicated to B… real name Brandon. There, I said it. I feel such a release just saying his name. This man produced unimaginable feelings in me and still does.

I dedicate this song to him… it was a favorite of his. He had a superman tattoo (please keep the chuckles to a minimum)… and I vividly remember when he got it done and showed it to me. He got it bellow his belt line… need I say more?? Needless to say I punched him right in the same spot. Yes, he evoked violence in me.

So… here is to you Brandon… Kryptonite…. Three Doors Down.

 

 

My Immortal- Evanescence

When B and I officially split up (we broke up several times and then got back together)… I felt like I walked away with my head held high, and that I had been “over” the relationship long before it was over.

However, when he passed away, I was hurled right back into the relationship. All of a sudden I hadn’t lost an “ex” but rather my “fiance”. I was catapulted back into the relationship and rubbed raw by all the emotions of what we went through together. His death opened old wounds and gave me new ones. Life all of a sudden became “before he died” and “After he died”… it was a pivoting point in my life.

This song came out not long after he passed… and I felt like it was a soundtrack to my life in that moment.

It speaks for itself.

All Around Me- Flyleaf

Just a little listening pleasure for today…

When this song came out, I immediately thought of B… the way he still seems to haunt me.

And I am sure he always will.

Lyrics are below. ↓

“All Around Me”

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I’m not used to seeing you

I’m alive, I’m alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I’m alive
I’m alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing

So I cry
(Holy)
The light is white
(Holy)
And I see you

I’m alive
I’m alive
I’m alive

And I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I’m breathing
Holding on to what I’m feeling
Savoring this heart that’s healed