Tag Archives: Mood disorder

A Busy Muse On The Move!

Time has slipped by me, as it normally does when I am busy with that little thing called “life”. My wonderful man, S/O, Boyfriend, life-long mate… who I affectionately refer to as “Daddy Long Schlong” with a giggle… has bought us a new home! For several years, we have been living in an awesome 2 bedroom condo, but we have certainly outgrown it this last year… and I expressed the crazy-intense desire to “move”. So after much discussion, we decided to get a house and rent out our condo. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (that is my happy squeal)!!!

In about a weeks time, we found the house that was “home”. We looked at several properties, most were “ok”, and a couple we did like and would have settled for… then we came across our “home”. We were already in the area, as we had looked at about 4-5 houses in that housing community alone, and when we pulled up, I noticed the “tidy” front yard, and the US flag blowing in the breeze. It felt promising, and I was already forming a positive feeling for the home. Then we walked through the front door…

I knew instantly… I was “home”.

I felt as though I didn’t even need to look any further, this was the house I wanted, this was where I felt instantly that I was home. All the little things that ‘irk’ me about other houses we looked at, those little things were not seen… it all felt perfect.

Not only was the house very “cozy”, but the backyard was amazing, and very park-like. We fell in love with it instantly! It’s the type of place where you WANT to spend all of your time… the patio is also an observation deck… the stairs had been removed, but we fully intend to get new ones and take advantage of the amazing view of the night sky. We live on the outskirts of town, and it is the perfect place to sit, sip wine, and gaze out into the night… or, watch the fireworks as they are exploding into the night on the 4th of July. (I fully intend to get pictures of that this year from the observation deck, so I will post those to share with all of you.)

Be patient with me… all of this has made me very busy! This weekend we start moving in!!! But first we need to start off by cleaning it top to bottom, steaming the carpet, painting the rooms, and etc… you get what I’m sayin’… and doing tiny repairs. All the while, I have to also get the condo ready for renting it out. I am a very busy Muse…  VERY BUSY.

I can’t wait to share this adventure with you all!

I hope you all are having an awesome Spring! Thank you for riding along on this adventure with me… I will certainly keep you posted…

I am also staying keenly aware of how I am doing mentally. We all know that even those good life events can be the cause of a Bipolar “episode“… yes, I am being honest. This is certainly No joke what-so-ever. It is just the way it is. So I am staying ever observant of how I am feeling, what my thought processes are, and ever-so-important, what is my quality of sleep. To the normal peeps out there, that may sound odd, but sleep is insanely important for every single one of us… even more-so for those of us with mood disorders. Have you noticed how at every single one of your doctor appointments, they ask you how your sleep is? It is CRA IMPORTANT. Research it yourself… Knowledge is power!!

Anyhow…

Here’s a couple pictures of our new home I want to share with you…

1526917_P01_75 1526917_R01_12Both pics are of the backyard. One is looking from the back of the yard toward the house, and the other is from the house, looking toward the very back of the backyard.

ourfirsthomeAwe, our first home together! Not fond of the all brown, but that is easily fixed (insert a winking emoticon here) … add a little paint… and presto!

Thank you all for all the love and support! I could never thank you all enough for the wise words you share with me… you always remind me that sharing my world is the right path… you are my inspiration, whether you know it or not. Our relationship is important to me! Please feel free to write to me, whether it’s a simple comment, or you feel the need to reach out in an email. I am always here… always listening… ALWAYS.

I LOVE Kavinace!!

Over the years, I have had issues with sleep. Insomnia was a big issue, then, when the tables get turned, I can sleep 16hours a day easily. I just never know which it is going to be.

Since getting my mania in control check (I initially used the word ‘control’ here, but the one thing I have learned from this disorder is that there is no ‘control’. All I can do is learn from my cues, and try to prevent and minimize future episodes), sleep has consistently been better than in the past with the biggest issue being that once I DO fall asleep, the issue becomes trying to STAY asleep. It is quite common for me to fall asleep easily and then in the next couple hours, I wake up and virtually stay up because I simply cannot fall back to sleep… and if I do, it tends to be hours later.

Well, there is a Podcast I love to listen to called “The Dr. Rob Show” with Dr. Robert Maki who is AMAZING! Since I started following his podcast, I have learned so much information that helps me to live a healthier, happier, balanced life. He is the type of Doctor who doesn’t just spend two minutes with you, scribble on a prescription pad, and shows you the door… he is the type of Doc who takes time with you, really listening to treat his patients, not by “masking” the unwanted symptoms we experience in life, but gets down to the root of the issue and tries to fix it there.

During one of his Podcasts, he spoke of Adrenal Fatigue. (You can read, or listen, this episode HERE.) I did not know anything about it and nearly skipped to another episode, but the symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue stopped me dead in my tracks, and I wound up listening to it several times. Every single one of us probably have these symptoms and just chalk it up to “life”, and not really taking care of ourselves the way we should. I am not going to go into great detail here, so please check it out for yourself… “Dr. Rob- Do I Have Adrenal Fatigue?”

This episode introduces us to several supplements that our bodies need to run optimally. One of these supplements is called Kavinace.

Do you fall asleep, only to find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back to sleep?? Kavinace changes that. However… it is ALSO for stress, anxiousness, and sleep issues. Sounds amazing, right?!

So what is Kavinace??

Kavinace in an amino acid. It supports optimum GABA levels, acts as a “neurotransmitter, inhibiting nerve transmissions in the brain, calming nervous activity”. Considered as a natural tranquilizer. *** “Kavinase is a precursor to GABA. It will convert to GABA while you are sleeping and help keep you asleep all night. Why not take GABA instead? GABA is such a big molecule that it can be hard to absorb. Taking the Kavinase will help absorbance and converts to GABA for a full night sleep”. – Dr. Rob***

What is GABA? Gamma-aminobutyric acid. It is the most important and widespread inhibitory neurotransmitter in the brain… because it is an inhibitor, it inhibits over-stimulation of the brain, resulting in possible relaxation and eases nervous tension. Sounds great doesn’t it?! Using Kavinace in conjunction with Melatonin is ideal. The Melatonin is used to help you fall asleep, and the Kavinace helps to keep you asleep.

It is not a cure-all… and it is possible that it doesn’t work for everyone. Personally, I was completely skeptical… especially because Melatonin has never helped me to sleep. After talking to my boyfriend about it, and doing some research, we decided to give it a try… in fact, we bought all of the supplements recommended for ‘Adrenal Fatigue”. Our results have been great… a noticeable positive change.

Of course, I never put much thought into the Kavinace actually working because I have tried soooooo many remedy’s that were suppose to help. I have tried both “natural” and prescribed medication, and I have not had great results, at least not great enough to mention them here in ‘Bipolarmuse-ville”.  Both myself and my boyfriend noticed that we were sleeping better than we had in a very long time… we were loving it! And oddly, we never attributed it to any one supplement, we just didn’t over analyze it… it simply was what it was. Then…

For a whole month, I took 1-2 Kavinace just before bed, along with the Melatonin. I took no other medications or supplements for sleep. I didn’t notice any drowsiness, nor did I feel like I “took” something, and I took it within 15minutes before bed… I did not take it and then wait a couple hours. My boyfriend did this as well.

My results?? I noticed that I wasn’t waking up throughout the night as I normally did. Normally, I fall asleep, and then somewhere around 2AM, I will roll over and it wakes me just enough where I will start thinking of something for the following day… next thing I know, I can’t fall back to sleep. But that stopped. I actually went to bed, fell asleep quickly, and stayed asleep! If I did wake up, I would doze back off very quickly. In fact, it got to the point where I would lay my head on the pillow, and then the next time my eyes opened, it was to the alarm going off.

SAY WHAT?! Yes, you read that correctly.

How do I know it was the Kavinace? Well, unfortunately my boyfriend and I were not on the ball and we ran out of the supplement… I didn’t really think anything of it because I wasn’t acknowledging that the reasons we were sleeping well was because of it… I have tried so many things with zero results so I was very skeptical that this would work. We went to bed as we normally do… fell asleep fast… and then somewhere around 2AM, we were both very awake and unable to go back to sleep, and once we did, the alarm went off. GRRRRRRRRrrrrr. So frustrating! What sucks even worse is that I am anxiously awaiting the package from Amazon with my new sleeping elixir. I have not had it for 4 days now and I am insanely frustrated and want sleep!

I am so amazed over how well the Kavinace worked for me, and also for my boyfriend. It is now going to be a staple in my supplements. Give it a whirl and see if it works for you!

©bipolarmuse 2015

** I am not a Doctor! Before taking ANY medication or supplement, contact a Doctor or Pharmacist to ensure that it is safe for you. Be smart. Be safe.

Counter-Dependence Self Quiz

This is from the book “The Flight From Intimacy”… how Counter-Dependent are you??

This is lengthy but will give you an idea of how many characteristics you have.

Place a number next to each sentence… indicating the degree to which the statements apply to you. Then tally em up at the end!

1=Never, 2= Occasionally, 3= Frequently, 4=Almost Always

Start Quiz*******************************************

I feel a kind of free floating anxiety when I have nothing to do. ___

I look to other people, substances, or activities to make me feel good. ___

I have a difficult time knowing what I want or need. ___

I fear that I will be smothered if I get too close to my spouse or friend. ___

I have a difficulty knowing how I really feel inside. ___

I exaggerate my accomplishments a bit when I meet someone new. ___

I get anxious when m  partner wants to be intimate with me. ___

I’m afraid people will find out that I’m not who they think I am. ___

I demand perfection of myself and others. ___

I work long hours and never seem to get finished with my work. ___

I don’t like to ask other people or help, even id I need it. ___

I prefer to work alone rather than with others. ___

I feel controlled by what others expect of me. ___

I feel it is really important to have the “right answers”. ___

I get afraid of being consumed by the needs of others. ___

I function best in structured situations where I am in charge. ___

I feel important when someone asks me for my opinions. ___

I find it difficult to form and maintain intimate relationships. ___

I have trouble deciding if I want sex or nurturing touch. ___

I have trouble relaxing, and I have chronic tension in my body. ___

I enjoy being the center of attention at social gatherings. ___

I don’t like to admit to a mistake. ___

I reject offers of help from others, even if I need it. ___

I have thoughts about sex each day that interfere with my work. ___

I see myself and others as either all good or all bad. ___

I compare myself to others, feeling either better or worse than them. ___

I am told that I am not aware of the needs or concerns of others. ___

I feel hurt when an accomplishment of mine is not recognized. ___

I deny my problems or discount the importance of my problems. ___

*** Total score (add all the numbers) ______

Here are the results:

102-120 VERY HIGH number of counter-dependent behavior patterns. Can have a serious effect on your functioning level.

79-101 HIGH number of counter-dependent behavior patterns. Can have a moderate effect on your functioning level.

56-78 SOME counter-dependent behavior patterns. This range has a minor effect on your functioning level.

30-55 FEW counter-dependent behavior patterns. This range has little or no effect on your functioning level.

This quiz is taken directly from the book itself, I do not take credit for it of course, because it isn’t mine. This is simply a guideline… a quiz to make you more self-aware. If you scored high, I recommend scheduling an appointment with your Doctor to discuss what these results mean for you. ALWAYS seek medical advice from a Doctor. I am not a Doctor, nor a therapist. I am simply someone riding the roller-coaster of life and sharing it with you.

©bipolarmuse 2015

A New Thought~ Counter-Dependence

Introduction to Counter-Dependence

Counter-Dependence Post 2, I never was super woman

Counter-Dependence Post 3, This is gonna take forever!

Counter-Dependence Series Post 2- I never was super woman…

weak

Just so you are aware, everything I mention here, unless otherwise noted, is geared for adults and not for children.*

What I found crazy interesting is this statement in the book “The Flight From Intimacy”- “People with counter-dependent behaviors also have a sense that they are not ‘whole’ without the help of someone else… however, they try to hide this fact from others so they can appear as if they really don’t need other people.”

I am super woman, remember?? I don’t need anyone. I can drive myself to the hospital with baby bag in hand, a camera and cell phone in the other, ready to give birth to my 4th child. Yep, I can do it all alone. After giving birth, without any drugs because I am super woman and don’t need them, I happily kept my baby girl in my hospital room overnight, refusing help from the nurses, because I am superwoman, and then the next morning, I dress myself, my 1 day old baby girl, put her into her infant carrier, and (with snow and ice falling the night before) I walk us to the car parked in guest parking and I drive us home in freezing temperatures… I NEED NOBODY.

I FUCKING LIED…

And my sick brain knew it… and punished me severely for it.

Yes, I am telling you the truth. My husband at the time was deployed to the Middle East when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I was alone in a new state with no family, and hardly a friend. I had myself, and I would not let us down… and I do have to say that I did do an amazing job… my Mommy instincts took over, and even though my mind was slowly unraveling, it did not fail me where it mattered most~taking care of my babies.

I did myself a disservice though by pretending to be so strong, because the truth was, I wasn’t at all. I truly believed I didn’t need a soul, but fooling myself was no easy task and after a short time, my world fell apart. I destroyed what I wanted the most… my family.

Now I have 20/20 vision and can clearly see what I should have done at that time, yet it does me no good… I can’t have back what I lost, all I can do is observe my self and make changes in my life daily to mend the broken Muse.

©bipolarmuse 2014

Read more on this new series on Counter Dependency- Post 1 Introduction

A New Thought~ “Counter Dependence”

I have a strong love for self help books, and always have. I look to them to figure out “what’s wrong” with me… and for guidance in changing the things about myself that I feel need work. I am always trying to be very self aware, and I do believe I should always be learning and growing. Always pressing forward to become who “Musey” is. This is a life long adventure that will never have an end point… with my last breath, even in that moment, there will be growth.

The Flight From Intimacy

photo

The book is titled “The Flight FROM Intimacy” and is one of it’s kind. So much is discussed about “Co-Dependence” or “Co-Dependent Enabling”, but nothing is spoken about the flipside of Co-Dependency…  “COUNTER-DEPENDENCY”. What in the world is it?? Have you heard of if before??

In 2010, when I was in the grip of one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had, and of which happened to be the longest and most destructive breakdown I have ever experienced, one thing I had really come head to head with was my inability to have intimate relationships. Not only sexually intimate, but intimate in general… CLOSE relationships were impossible for me. I had walls. HUGE walls. They made it impossible for me to make lasting relationships of any kind, and kept me secluded, and “safe”. Is that truly what those walls accomplished?? NO. These walls did one thing… held me captive. Kept me alone. Sure, they did prevent me from being hurt by friends and loved ones, but more so, they prevented me from having any type of real, much needed healthy relationships.

As I go through this book, I am going to put blog posts here for you all to follow along as I learn, and share this new side of myself that truly isn’t “new”, but territory that is new for me to discover. Follow along with me, see how some of these traits appear to apply to you as well… and lets discover how to fix what needs to be repaired so that we may have more love in our lives! We deserve love and happiness! Sometimes we may think we deserve every second of misery we have inflicted upon ourselves, sometimes we fool ourselves into needing that so we do not forget… but I sit here today, exposing my heart and soul… and I invite you to do the same… lets figure out what we can control and change, lets discover how to be happier, to love more, to FEEL love more, and lets learn to heal our hearts, our minds, our complete selves. We have so much more life to live, love to share, and we need to begin at square one… forgiveness of self. All else will fall into place as we journey forward learning to love the one person we know deserves to be forgiven and loved, and held in a tight loving embrace… YOU.

I deserve this for myself. To forgive… to love… ME.

♥Musey

Just A Little Disclaimer**

fireyheart

 

When I began this blog, I was wanting to use it as a journal of sorts where I could just “bleed on paper” and write freely without censoring myself. Over time, people I know on a personal level are also aware of my blog and therefor have an insiders view to by mind. I don’t mind this at all… except… well, don’t make me feel as though I need to filter myself or censor myself. Please. Pretty please.

Understand that when I write, many of my posts began months ago, sometimes even longer… and many times, my writings are not about this very moment I am in… many times, I dive back in time to a certain memory, a certain feeling, a place in my mind… I write out my “ifs, ands, or buts”, I may dwell on something sad, or maybe on something that has you scratching your head and asking, “Haven’t you gotten over this yet”? The answer to that is… Yes, and No.

What I write about, and who I am are an accumulation of events… or moments rather… that have impacted me and have helped to shape and mold me into who I am right at this moment. All 37 years behind me have made me the Musey that I am. I write to release, I write because I enjoy writing and love to put on to paper what I cannot say with my lips, I write because I want to, and because I can.

Some things that I write about may seem like I am referring to a person when I am not at all. I often change my Bipolar disorder into a “being”, personifying it… turning it into a crushing presence resembling what can only be in human form… when of course, it’s not.

I do the same with many other aspects and battles in my life.

It may seem as though I linger too lovingly, obsessively, over a past person, a past trauma. Again, remember that my writings are often about a certain time, or time frame… where I surrender to the thoughts in my head, fitting for that time. A moment recollecting “time”, and handing myself over in that rare moment, to sink back to a realm allowing myself to feel, to close my eyes and forget for a moment, this place… and to hand myself over to the intense wave of emotions, good and bad, that rode passenger to the specific moment in “time” that I am visiting to tap into my craft… the muse’s to my heart, departing and healing with each visit… in which these very words fall perfectly from my mind in this experience, to my lips to share here with you.

So please, always keep this in mind as you read… because I truly do want to share openly what I can comfortably share, and that which at times may be uncomfortable as well, and I want to do so feverishly. I have a flame inside. I want to use it… to scorch my heart and soul, feeding the flame, so that it may purify… scorching those painful moments, purifying me… so that I may continue forward with a clean slate, as a “whole” Muse.

The Monster I Loathe…

solemn

I have been struggling lately and it is crushing. My chest is heavy, my eyes are tearful, all I want to feel is painless mentally and physically… I want to be numb. I totally understand how many people with mental issues have substance abuse problems as well. Sometimes it comes to the ancient  question of what came first, the chicken or the egg?

My heart hurts and my mind keeps diving into the past causing me to have “flashes” of moments that hurt me to my core, to my very soul. I want to go back in time and slap the shit out of myself… I want to yell and scream, I want to release my rage and rid myself of the monster on my back. I want to go back to a time when I did not know hate. To a time when my blood didn’t run cold. To a time that just one change, would have prevented this pain. Could it have been prevented?

My brain has me hostage. I hope with all my heart that God is real… and I hope He can remove this unhealthy brain and show me what it is to be pain free… to feel content, to show me what it is like to replace tears of pain and heartache to tears of happiness.

Life is brutally beautiful. It is happiness, and it is alot of pain as well. Those painful moments help us to recognize and appreciate the good… right? I absolutely hate to lose sight, and I feel like just that is happening.

I feel like my only reprieve is sleep. And luckily, the medications I am on help me to sleep very well. I am very appreciative for that little miracle. I know just how destructive it is to lack in sleep… it is horrible and makes life so much harder.

It is what it is, right? Life that is.

Another day down…

I will just pop another pill and hope for a numbing moment where I can sit here truly in the present and appreciate the good I do have instead of lingering in my head where there’s a constant reminder of the regret that swallows me whole.

I just want happiness to be the basis of my being.

Is that too much to ask for?

Goodbye 2013! 2014 Is Going to Rock!

grumpyCatCandyCane

Like Grumpy Cat, I am about this enthused with the holiday season that just passed… and I am ready to start this New Year with a bang! I don’t like to make any type of resolutions because they are rarely followed through (and then are always proceeded with a depressive spell), so I like to just mosey on into the new year with thoughts of how I will make it better than the previous…

Thank God Christmas and New Years is over… I am ready to get on with it!

HOPEFULLY I will be more creative this year and not as boring as a sopping wet door mat like I was in 2013… (Ok, I probably wasn’t THAT bad, but you totally get my drift.) …and I am hoping to be hit with a huge dose of creativity, a MASSIVE dose would be best, distributed over the course of the year would be even better, and if I have a few of you to join me on this roller coaster ride… then even better!

gettingInspired

So… I am always open to inspiration that is directed my way… or indirectly sent my way. I NEED inspiration. Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder usually keep me pretty stocked up in the inspiration department because misery loves to write, for me, and is my way of “bleeding on paper”. So, sadly, when I am feeling fairly well (or not crying every single day), I dry up. This well runs dry and I can’t find even a drop of the inspiration I need to write. Sad isn’t it?

I won’t give up though… by any means. But maybe I can figure out a way to turn this fountain back on. I just want to be entertaining, creative, overflowing with poems, quotes, general information about mental illness… if nothing else, to do these things just for me even if I am the only one entertained.

I want to be the “Frog in the Milk Pail”.

So I keep trekking on… keep some words flowing, enjoy visual stimulation… and most important, I will share all of this with you. Hopefully I don’t bore you to death… but I will be consistent, boring or not…

As Bipolarmuse, I deserve this.

Safe and Sound

This song is so stuck in my head!! It has been playing in my mind for about a week now!

Safe and Sound

When I was first diagnosed with mental disorders I thought “ok, I can do this. I have been living this way as long as I can remember”…. then the stigma of it hit me like a tidal wave and I had to pretend that all was ok. I was told everything from “meds make you a zombie”, I “feel like I have lost my sister” (told to me by my younger sister because the meds dulled me down), “you don’t look sick, it is all in your mind”, “Pull out of it like the rest of us do”, “the doctors are just telling you something is wrong so you go back and they make money off of you”… etc. I am sure that those of you with mood/mental disorders have heard these lines or something similar.

It wasn’t until my last breakdown that I realized I would always…. ALWAYS…. need medication and therapy. My disorder ran rampant for so many years that it got worse and worse over time.

Now that I am in a better place emotionally, I see things differently. I finally smell fresh cut grass, rain on the hot pavement, flowers, bbq’s, and more. In the throes of depression, all of these things were muted for me. I have written about it before but I will write about it again soon.

Now, in this place I reside within my mind… though not perfect… I know that I will be safe and sound… I have taken extreme measures to get to this point.

When you are struggling and think you cannot go another day… hold on with all of your strength… and come here, or to Bipolarmuse’s facebook page  to see that someone has made it against all odds, and you can too.

Keep breathing. Practice mindfulness. Be gentle to yourself.

Ways To Cope

Having Bipolar Disorder and co-morbid piggy backers are not easy to live with. Some days, of course, are much better than others, but overall, dealing with mental disorders becomes easier as I learn more skills to combat the negative affect they can have. I have had some form of depression and bipolar disorder for as far back as I can remember. I think I really noticed it when I was about 11 years of age… and it has never let up since. Sometimes I have gone for a short time with no symptoms, but it is short lived. Some form of the disorder shows itself at all times whether it is mania, anxiety, depression, irritability… you name it.

So how do I cope?

One thing I have found SUPER important for me… and it helps others as well… is to have a very regular schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time every day, workout, spend time with friends and family, eat properly and don’t skip meals. All of these little things are very important. Now, I cannot control every single moment of the day… but these things mentioned are within my control so I make sure to use that to my benefit.

Sleep is so very important as well. Just two sleepless nights and I can be thrown into mania… and what is inevitable after mania?? Depression. Dreaded depression.

I do my best to keep my ‘action’ plan updated… this is a plan on what to do if I hit a manic moment or a depressive moment that seems larger than life… this plan is in place to protect me. Simple things on it… talk to a loved one, take walks outdoors, word in my DBT and Bipolar workbooks, distract myself with movies… etc. I am sure you get my point.

There are many ways that we can combat this disorder, and though we will always have it, we don’t always have to be at war with it.

How do you cope??

Rainy Day

rain

This morning, I awoke to nice cloudy skies, drizzling rain, and cool temperatures… I made coffee and had a “moment”. I closed my eyes and held my coffee to my nose… the aroma with the combination of rain and humidity, and the room dark from the cloudy skies, took me back in time. I didn’t go too far back, only about 6 years, but it dropped me at the beginning of my worst breakdown. I have mentioned it before… the last horrible “break” that lasted from 2007 through to 2012. Of course, it was something that progressed, a breakdown that came on gradually, and left just as slowly as it ‘crawled’ into my life.

And, as usual, hindsight is 20/20. It is only within the last year that I have been able to see, with clarity, what triggered it and how it escalated to become the worst break of my life.

It hurt…

it destroyed…

it took forever to go away.

Were all the memories horrible?? Of course not. The “main” moment that this morning took me back to was a good memory. One of sitting under the covered patio while the rain beat down on the metal roof, breathing in the beautiful cool humid air, staring at the amazing sky with its low grey clouds… my children with me… a comfy home, love.

Why did I “break”? I know now… I see the trigger and will forever learn from this painful lesson.

This is the most important thing about myself, recognizing the pattern… being self aware so that I can prevent these ‘breaks’ in the future. The best gift we can get ourselves… love, understanding, forgiveness, self awareness…

Today I am loving the rain. ♥

Disturbing Videos and My Stand On Physician Assisted Suicide

I was searching youtube for some suicide prevention videos and possibly some videos from the “Coming Out of The Darkness” awareness walks that take place around the country…. what I found was horrible.

The dark side of youtube.

I found instruction videos on how to make a proper noose, etc, and videos of actual suicides. Yes, some were hoaxes, others were little documentaries, but one specifically disturbed me. It was a webcam video of a man asphyxiating himself by hanging in which if he just stood up, he would have lived. He did not do that though. Sure, this video could be an elaborate hoax, but I do believe it is real for a couple reasons which I do not want to give the gory details of. It is sped up just a bit so I am not sure what the time lapse would truly have been between the time he put the rope around his neck and his body stopped moving, to the time the police got there and started CPR.

Why do I mention this? I am horrified for one that someone would upload this for someone to see, and I am horrified of the amount of views this video had.

There are others… specifically jumpers off the Golden Gate Bridge and it is just tragic that people get to that low point (which I certainly have felt but just held on waiting for things to get better) where they feel that death by suicide is their only option.

I do have a unique view on suicide, though it does not include those who have mental disorders.

I do believe that physician assisted suicide should be legal across the board in every state… but not for anybody and everybody who want to die. I believe that the person must be at the end stage of a chronic illness, in which they will die from, and I believe that family support should be there as well. Sadly that isn’t always the case though because we are selfish when we love someone and wish to have every second with them that we can have. That is not for the ill persons sake, but for “our” sake… the ones that keep on living after our loved ones passed.

I had an aunt with a crooked spine… uncomfortable, probably painful, but not life threatening. She lived like this for 20 years that I know of and know that she lived with it many more years before I knew her. Her pain continued to increase to the point that she moaned and cried out 24/7 WHILE ON PAIN MEDICATION.  After many tests, she was found to have cancer running up and down her spine, causing unimaginable pain. 

She suffered through it for at least a year. A year of screaming out, moaning, crying, unable to move, sponge baths made her cry out in horrible pain. You could literally hear her throughout the hospital corridors when you got to her floor. The pain was unreal. She stuck it out to the bitter end and it broke everyones heart to see her like this. Though she would not have willingly died, I believe that anyone with this condition, this much pain, and who will die relatively soon, should have the option to request a cocktail of medications to help them fall into eternal sleep.

Physician assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, Washington, and Montana.

Here is a great article to read about it: Physician Assisted Suicide

It points out that it is not utilized much at all, which I find surprising. It is interesting how an unhealthy mind will think self destruction is the only way out, but a healthy mind will preserve life as long as possible.

Just a little ramble with things to think about.

The Dreaded Day

sadness

With a heavy heart… today is the day they depart.

I hurt.

My chest aches.

My eyes water.

I write this with tears flowing.

I know I will see them again…

Just not sure when.

I wish they could have stayed.

Another twist in life…

I will survive… even with

this pain.

I have many more tears.

My heart hurts.

Hold Me

holdme

Hold my breath,

forcing the smile.

I fear that to breathe,

Will make me crumble,

Choke on bile.

~

My heart feels gone,

You took it with you.

Hold it gently… cradle me.

I gave… you took…

Hold it gently, it’s already bruised.

~

No “goodbyes” allowed here…

for I will never utter those words.

I will always look ahead to you…

Close my eyes to linger in your presence.

Hold me where you are, abolish the hurt.

© bipolarmuse