I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.
When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.
I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family), and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.
Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.
I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-
We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did. I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.
One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.
My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.
I love my sister…
I love her so much!!
As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.
Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.
I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.
On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.
In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.
Always have been.