Tag Archives: Love

I Would Like a “Pause” Please.

Oh my.

Life has been so very hectic as of late and I have so many posts I want to make, so many topics I want to talk about, and yet I feel as though I have NO time whatsoever to spare to do so!

PAUSE PLEASE!!!!!

I must happily tell you that I have moved into my new house (new to me anyhow), and am now completely flustered trying to get everything in its rightful place. Everything else will either be thrown away, or it will be donated… I can see the beginnings of a “hoarder” and I must nip it in the bud NOW! LOL. I refuse to be the cra cat lady, living with her dead husband and pets, all 199 of em (pets, not husbands, wink wink, I think)…. walking through the garbage bin of a house… pissing off neighbors, and having my children refusing to come visit me. I will not become her.

PAUSE PLEASE

What can I tell you about the new home?? It is so cozy to me… my personal castle…I literally get little flutters in my tummy when I am driving home because I love the way I feel when I am here… I love it so much. It is home to me… it is soothing… it is where I feel completely content… this is a new phase in my life and I feel this subtle hum of energy that is insanely addicting. It feels so wonderful to feel like this. No doubt that part of the reason I feel so great is that my little ones will be here in a couple weeks!!!!!! I am excited beyond explanation! I feel on top of the world!!!!!

In a matter of days I will have all of my children here… sharing this new home that I absolutely LOVE… sharing my love with not only my children, but also with this amazing man who has kept me on my toes in love for nearly three years now… we are going to be making lasting memories here in my castle, enjoying this amazing backyard… creating memories, these moments, little bits of life to live in our minds and our hearts ~ FOREVER~

myBackyardYo©bipolarmuse 2015

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.

YOU.

ARE.

THE.

QUEEN.

Always have been.

xo

©bipolarmuse 2015

Whoopsies!!!

My computer has almost flown out the window a couple times recently… to meet the hard pavement below and shatter into bunches of pieces!! Then I would happily go downstairs and beat the shit out of whatever remained of it with a hammer from my garage…

Am I frustrated much?? YES!

We recently “upgraded” our modem to a much “faster, newer, BETTER model”, and it has been HELL ever since.

After spending a lot of time writing my last post, (of which you have NOT seen yet, because of this piece of shit modem… -this post will explain-…) I decided to go ahead and post it. As I normally do, before clicking “publish”, I selected all the text and “copied” it. I do this to prevent losing my work in the event it gets screwed up and doesn’t actually post to my blog.

I am safe and won’t lose my work, right??

WRONG

My computer actually shutdown, which is my fault because I ignored its notifications, so I simply plugged it back in and booted it up. I got back into WordPress and low and behold, the post did NOT in fact, post. I smile to myself because I had saved it for this exact purpose… I am in the clear… or am I??

NOPE, I sufficiently screwed myself.

For reasons unknown to me… when I “copied” my text, it did not actually copy. I have no clue why. So when the computer turned off and I booted it back up, I lost it all.

So now I gotta get it together and write it again. Yay! (Sarcasm noted…)

On a side note… I got my Wii on the way!!! Woot Woot! I enjoy the wii for some exercise time, and time to spend with my man. We enjoy playing games together… so I know this will be good for us to have to enjoy with each other. 🙂 For some “us” time. A little golf on the Wii, along with a lil wine… ahhhhhhhh yes, fun times to come! I will indeed post and share the fun…

I hope you all are enjoying your Christmas season… hold your loved ones close and never pass the chance to let them know you love them… NEVER pass that up. ♥

I Will Wait For You

 

 

babiesBlueBonnets

 

I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

Hold Me

holdme

Hold my breath,

forcing the smile.

I fear that to breathe,

Will make me crumble,

Choke on bile.

~

My heart feels gone,

You took it with you.

Hold it gently… cradle me.

I gave… you took…

Hold it gently, it’s already bruised.

~

No “goodbyes” allowed here…

for I will never utter those words.

I will always look ahead to you…

Close my eyes to linger in your presence.

Hold me where you are, abolish the hurt.

© bipolarmuse

Getting This Mood In Control… Finding Peace

peace

Those of you familiar with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder know that we have a huge problem with emotional regulation and have to take painstaking steps to help try to keep our emotions within normal limits.

Emotional Dysregulation:  an emotional response poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. Common in those with Psychiatric Disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is found among those with Austism Spectrum  Disorders.

Technically  I have a double whammy since I have both Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I handed the little ones over to their Dad after our flight back to Texas, I was amazingly strong. Granted I did get many tears out of the way days leading up to their departure… and I gave the three of us pep talks their entire visit to try to remain in the “now” and to let them know that I will most definitely be seeing them as often as possible. I played up the perks and did not stress any of the disadvantages… in fact, I presented it to them as though there were no disadvantages at all. So as I buckled them into the car, we were all smiles, smooches, and talked about skyping so we could always ‘see’ each other.

Where does the topic of Emotional Dysregulation come into play?? Well, though I was able to pull off  ‘no tears’ at that important moment to ensure we parted with nothing but wonderful thoughts and the lovely adventure lying before us, these last couple days have been emotionally brutal and difficult to regulate. Yes, this is normal for all of us… but the lows have been excruciatingly low. For the last two days, once the afternoon has hit, it is as though  I am “mourning” and completely unable to prevent the tears from coming.

My eyes literally feel bruised… my head is throbbing… on my nightstand sits a roll of tissue, and tear soaked used tissues. I also found tissue under my pillow where I must have been holding onto it for when I would awake crying.

Keeping my sadness into a normal healthy range has been difficult… though I am absolutely trying.

The day before yesterday, I went to bed shortly after four in the afternoon and slept until the next morning. Tears never let me be. Then by the afternoon yesterday, my tearfulness emerged and it was nearly impossible to get it into control. In fact, I didn’t. I went to bed after eight pm and laid in bed crying, sobbing, and just leaking tears. Keeping my emotions in a healthy realm has proven difficult. Happily, my wonderful man has been reminding me of all the positives and trying to keep me in the present.

So… my strategies to help regulate my moods??

Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness. Exercise. Writing. Journaling. Taking a few minutes to become completely ‘aware’ in my here and now. Positive Affirmations. Redirection of thoughts. Acceptance of my feelings and knowing that sadness is appropriate for this situation. Drawing close to loved ones instead of pulling back. Taking care of myself by drinking plenty of water and eating. Perhaps jump into my favorite hobbies. Forgive, forgive, forgive.

Each day will be better than the last. And setbacks are only that, they do not warrant anymore than my acknowledgment and learning from them.

I would love to hear your opinions on how to help regulate these moods… ♥ Your thoughts are always appreciated and welcome. ♥

So Here I Sit

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Yesterday was July first… significant to me because it was the day that I had to fly my two little ones home to Texas for final preparations before their move to Germany with their Dad. Two hours ago, I traded them off to their Dad, and now I sit at the airport (an overnight stay on an uncomfortable bench) waiting to board my flight right back home. We reached our destination at midnight, and I board my next flight shortly after 5am.

Does this blow a big one?? Hell yes it does. Happily, the kiddo’s were so excited to see their Dad that I was able to help keep their happiness levels on nice even ground. I assured them that we will ‘skype’ and do ‘facetime’ VERY soon so we can see each other as we talk. They seemed to really like that idea which makes me ecstatic! I will NEED to see them and talk to them while they are away. It seems like they grow like weeds and I am unable to keep track and record all of their babyhood and childhood growing adventures.

Having them here with me for the month was beautiful and absolutely amazing. I literally enjoyed every moment from doing things with a couple friends to just relaxing at home with them. We watched Netflix, drank chocolate milk, ate cereal, and drank Gatorade…. ate chips, noodles, snacks… you get my drift.

I slept in their room every night, (and I certainly enjoyed that very much), and took turns cuddling them. I listened to their breathing become more rhythmic, and took delight in staring at their beautiful features under the moon light.

I loved every moment given to me.

And I look forward to more.

Right now, I focus on staying healthy… and will work ever so diligently on that.

I will always strive to be the best Mom I can be… and I will practice being more and more of what they need.

Because when it comes down to it… isn’t it all about making them happy?? Creating moments for them to remember forever?? Watching them grow in happiness, health, and always have that beam of sunlight shine upon me from the happiness in the hearts??

That is where my love is. It is not selfish… it is not spiteful… it is not hurtful.

It is holding hands, little kisses, unspoken moments, and sadness turned into happiness.

And so now, I sit in this airport… so silent. I hold onto the smiles and hugs and kisses… I hold onto the “I love you’s”… I hold onto the fact that they will experience a life I could not have given them. I hold onto the hope that they will one day understand my selflessness was born of love for them… My selfish mind and heart wants to fight tooth and nail to have them in my custody at all times, but that is not what is best for the kids…

And so I hold on.

Another Twist In Life

babiesBlueBonnetStroll

 

I recently went on a trip to visit my little ones… it was beautiful and so natural to be with them. As their Mom, I feel like there is always a part of me missing, I am always missing out on something.

I get “I miss you’s, I love you’s, I will see you soon.”

I miss tucking them to bed at night, good morning kisses, hearing “that’s my Mom” when they are at a school play and find where I am standing to watch them. I miss knowing their favorite foods, missing teeth, meeting their teachers. I miss out on every aspect of their life except for the few minutes I get to talk to them… and the visits that keep me sane. 

While I was there, I got some very sad news… they are moving to Germany for three years.

Yes… Germany.

I cried instantly and have been very tearful ever since… trying to fight off the complete breakdown. I need to be strong… I will be.

While I know everything will work out, I am afraid that them moving so far is going to do something to my mental health. I can feel it. I love my children so  much, and while I want them to experience another country, I feel as though they need to experience me more… I feel like I am in the dark without them… and I KNOW that they need me as well. That being said, I could not, nor would not stand in the way of their move. I love them and want all the best for them… I want them to see life and live it… I want them to enjoy living in another culture.  I want them to truly live.

I guess what I do not want is for them to forget about me… 

I wish they could stay.

“Please remember me.”

I Love You Forever

IloveUforever


I love you forever

That is the title of this post, and what it written so beautifully on a sheet of paper pictured above.

I recently visited my little ones in Texas, (they live with their Dad), and they both were making me pictures, or as you see above… writing me little notes.

My daughter is the artist and put together some adorable cards for me, she is 5 years old so you can imagine just how cute her little drawings were. I absolutely love each thing she made for me… they are fun, creative, and a wonderfully heartfelt.

My son wasn’t in the “artsy” mood but decided to write me a couple notes… and this was one of them. First he came over to me and handed me a sheet of paper that said “I am going to miss you”… so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time… sadly, both the children know my visits have to come to an end and it is something we talk about each day I am there. It truly hurts my heart. I work with them and use “mindfulness” techniques to help keep us in the present moment and not project into the future when I must depart… which hurts my heart so much, as it does theirs. Most times this technique works, and it did this time with the exception of a day or two.

Anyhow (sorry about that little tangent) my son walks over and hands me another sheet of paper… the one pictured above. It beautifully said, “I love you forever.”

It stopped me dead in my tracks and the tears just came on their own… it was impossible to prevent them, nor stop them. I grabbed my son and pulled him close to me, squeezing him tight, and in a hushed, tear-touched voice I told him that I would love him forever and  more. I then sang “I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” This is a song I use to sing to him as a baby and toddler, borrowed from a childrens book with the title “I love you forever.”

This touched my heart deeply. There is no love like the love for your children…

Birthday Love

 

My birthday just recently passed… and my love made sure that he covered all bases. He got me a rocken gift, a MAC makeup paller… and a beautiful card that begins with “For the love of my life”. What I loved what was he wrote inside… his love very evident and beautiful. AND… he put a 21 candle on my cake as apposed to my real age, can he get any better? Certainly not. He is amazing and I love him through and through.

What HE wrote in the card: I love you my sweet beautiful baby! I have enjoyed getting to know you and follow the woman you were to the woman you are and to the woman you will become. I am happy to be a part of it.

What the card said: For the love of my life from the man who adores you. Thank you for being the love of my life, the wonderful one I adore, the person who shares all my dreams and desires, my plans, my adventures and more. Thank you for being my very best friend, my comforter when things go wrong, the one who encourages, cheers me, believes in me, changes my “weak” to my “strong.” Thank you for being my partner in life and for filling my heart with such pride- I feel like the happiest man in the world with the woman I love by my side.

Need I say more…

Moving On Affirmation

move on

Ahhhh, the art of letting go and moving on… it is a difficult thing to do and often causes the heartache in our lives.

I remember, not long ago, I held desperately to my past. I held on to the mistakes as well as to the good times that I felt I had thrown away. While difficult to turn around, face forward, and press on… it must be done. I had started this process on my own, but it really kicked into full gear when love re-entered my life. So many things are healing for us… I had forgotten the healing power of love.

Find love and add it to your life. It does not have to be love of another person, but love. I think the greatest love of all is love of self. I work on this daily.

Voodoo! Place your bets!

007

The time in love has not been very long yet I feel like I have known and loved my man for my whole life. I could not imagine my life without him, and I feel like I was made for the man he is, to compliment him.

And soooooo… I put the voodoo on him.

Hahaha. Anyone know of any good spells?? I don’t need one for love, nor one to make this love last forever, but I need one to snag him, get him to the justice of the peace for two little words…  “I do”. Hehehe,

Ok, so of course this is said in jest and just for fun. I know there isn’t such a thing as a voodoo spell… but it is fun to contemplate.

Wedding bells? No. At least… not yet. (wink wink)

The muse will not jump into anything unhealthy or without much thought, but who wants to start the betting now? This is Vegas after all and gambling is allowed!

Love ~~ Rumi Quote

loveRumi

“In your light I learn how to love. In your beauty, how to make poems. You dance inside my chest where no-one sees you, but sometimes I do, and that sight becomes this art.”
Rumi

To be in love… Rumi says it so beautifully.

He is my muse, the flutter in my chest, the beat of my heart, the writings from my pen.

Love has very healing powers. While I know that my disorders will always reside with me, when in love, their presence becomes less and less. He has healed my heart in so many indescribable ways. He in incredible and not only wants me to flourish, but he tells me to ‘forgive’ myself for past pains, he wants me to thrive. To be happier than I can ever imagine.

Not long ago, I didn’t believe in “love”. I believed I was capable of loving but that was the extent of what love was for me. With him, love is abundant… continuously growing and healing the scars on my heart, mind, and soul. He not only kissed away the pains, but also encourages me to heal and forgive.

I am working on forgiveness constantly, it does not come easily.

With love, I heal.

With his love… I heal, thrive, and grow.