Tag Archives: Love

I Would Like a “Pause” Please.

Oh my.

Life has been so very hectic as of late and I have so many posts I want to make, so many topics I want to talk about, and yet I feel as though I have NO time whatsoever to spare to do so!

PAUSE PLEASE!!!!!

I must happily tell you that I have moved into my new house (new to me anyhow), and am now completely flustered trying to get everything in its rightful place. Everything else will either be thrown away, or it will be donated… I can see the beginnings of a “hoarder” and I must nip it in the bud NOW! LOL. I refuse to be the cra cat lady, living with her dead husband and pets, all 199 of em (pets, not husbands, wink wink, I think)…. walking through the garbage bin of a house… pissing off neighbors, and having my children refusing to come visit me. I will not become her.

PAUSE PLEASE

What can I tell you about the new home?? It is so cozy to me… my personal castle…I literally get little flutters in my tummy when I am driving home because I love the way I feel when I am here… I love it so much. It is home to me… it is soothing… it is where I feel completely content… this is a new phase in my life and I feel this subtle hum of energy that is insanely addicting. It feels so wonderful to feel like this. No doubt that part of the reason I feel so great is that my little ones will be here in a couple weeks!!!!!! I am excited beyond explanation! I feel on top of the world!!!!!

In a matter of days I will have all of my children here… sharing this new home that I absolutely LOVE… sharing my love with not only my children, but also with this amazing man who has kept me on my toes in love for nearly three years now… we are going to be making lasting memories here in my castle, enjoying this amazing backyard… creating memories, these moments, little bits of life to live in our minds and our hearts ~ FOREVER~

myBackyardYo©bipolarmuse 2015

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.

YOU.

ARE.

THE.

QUEEN.

Always have been.

xo

©bipolarmuse 2015

Whoopsies!!!

My computer has almost flown out the window a couple times recently… to meet the hard pavement below and shatter into bunches of pieces!! Then I would happily go downstairs and beat the shit out of whatever remained of it with a hammer from my garage…

Am I frustrated much?? YES!

We recently “upgraded” our modem to a much “faster, newer, BETTER model”, and it has been HELL ever since.

After spending a lot of time writing my last post, (of which you have NOT seen yet, because of this piece of shit modem… -this post will explain-…) I decided to go ahead and post it. As I normally do, before clicking “publish”, I selected all the text and “copied” it. I do this to prevent losing my work in the event it gets screwed up and doesn’t actually post to my blog.

I am safe and won’t lose my work, right??

WRONG

My computer actually shutdown, which is my fault because I ignored its notifications, so I simply plugged it back in and booted it up. I got back into WordPress and low and behold, the post did NOT in fact, post. I smile to myself because I had saved it for this exact purpose… I am in the clear… or am I??

NOPE, I sufficiently screwed myself.

For reasons unknown to me… when I “copied” my text, it did not actually copy. I have no clue why. So when the computer turned off and I booted it back up, I lost it all.

So now I gotta get it together and write it again. Yay! (Sarcasm noted…)

On a side note… I got my Wii on the way!!! Woot Woot! I enjoy the wii for some exercise time, and time to spend with my man. We enjoy playing games together… so I know this will be good for us to have to enjoy with each other. 🙂 For some “us” time. A little golf on the Wii, along with a lil wine… ahhhhhhhh yes, fun times to come! I will indeed post and share the fun…

I hope you all are enjoying your Christmas season… hold your loved ones close and never pass the chance to let them know you love them… NEVER pass that up. ♥

I Will Wait For You

 

 

babiesBlueBonnets

 

I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

Hold Me

holdme

Hold my breath,

forcing the smile.

I fear that to breathe,

Will make me crumble,

Choke on bile.

~

My heart feels gone,

You took it with you.

Hold it gently… cradle me.

I gave… you took…

Hold it gently, it’s already bruised.

~

No “goodbyes” allowed here…

for I will never utter those words.

I will always look ahead to you…

Close my eyes to linger in your presence.

Hold me where you are, abolish the hurt.

© bipolarmuse

Getting This Mood In Control… Finding Peace

peace

Those of you familiar with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder know that we have a huge problem with emotional regulation and have to take painstaking steps to help try to keep our emotions within normal limits.

Emotional Dysregulation:  an emotional response poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. Common in those with Psychiatric Disorders such as Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and is found among those with Austism Spectrum  Disorders.

Technically  I have a double whammy since I have both Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

When I handed the little ones over to their Dad after our flight back to Texas, I was amazingly strong. Granted I did get many tears out of the way days leading up to their departure… and I gave the three of us pep talks their entire visit to try to remain in the “now” and to let them know that I will most definitely be seeing them as often as possible. I played up the perks and did not stress any of the disadvantages… in fact, I presented it to them as though there were no disadvantages at all. So as I buckled them into the car, we were all smiles, smooches, and talked about skyping so we could always ‘see’ each other.

Where does the topic of Emotional Dysregulation come into play?? Well, though I was able to pull off  ‘no tears’ at that important moment to ensure we parted with nothing but wonderful thoughts and the lovely adventure lying before us, these last couple days have been emotionally brutal and difficult to regulate. Yes, this is normal for all of us… but the lows have been excruciatingly low. For the last two days, once the afternoon has hit, it is as though  I am “mourning” and completely unable to prevent the tears from coming.

My eyes literally feel bruised… my head is throbbing… on my nightstand sits a roll of tissue, and tear soaked used tissues. I also found tissue under my pillow where I must have been holding onto it for when I would awake crying.

Keeping my sadness into a normal healthy range has been difficult… though I am absolutely trying.

The day before yesterday, I went to bed shortly after four in the afternoon and slept until the next morning. Tears never let me be. Then by the afternoon yesterday, my tearfulness emerged and it was nearly impossible to get it into control. In fact, I didn’t. I went to bed after eight pm and laid in bed crying, sobbing, and just leaking tears. Keeping my emotions in a healthy realm has proven difficult. Happily, my wonderful man has been reminding me of all the positives and trying to keep me in the present.

So… my strategies to help regulate my moods??

Mindfulness, mindfulness, mindfulness. Exercise. Writing. Journaling. Taking a few minutes to become completely ‘aware’ in my here and now. Positive Affirmations. Redirection of thoughts. Acceptance of my feelings and knowing that sadness is appropriate for this situation. Drawing close to loved ones instead of pulling back. Taking care of myself by drinking plenty of water and eating. Perhaps jump into my favorite hobbies. Forgive, forgive, forgive.

Each day will be better than the last. And setbacks are only that, they do not warrant anymore than my acknowledgment and learning from them.

I would love to hear your opinions on how to help regulate these moods… ♥ Your thoughts are always appreciated and welcome. ♥