Tag Archives: Journaling

A Busy Muse On The Move!

Time has slipped by me, as it normally does when I am busy with that little thing called “life”. My wonderful man, S/O, Boyfriend, life-long mate… who I affectionately refer to as “Daddy Long Schlong” with a giggle… has bought us a new home! For several years, we have been living in an awesome 2 bedroom condo, but we have certainly outgrown it this last year… and I expressed the crazy-intense desire to “move”. So after much discussion, we decided to get a house and rent out our condo. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (that is my happy squeal)!!!

In about a weeks time, we found the house that was “home”. We looked at several properties, most were “ok”, and a couple we did like and would have settled for… then we came across our “home”. We were already in the area, as we had looked at about 4-5 houses in that housing community alone, and when we pulled up, I noticed the “tidy” front yard, and the US flag blowing in the breeze. It felt promising, and I was already forming a positive feeling for the home. Then we walked through the front door…

I knew instantly… I was “home”.

I felt as though I didn’t even need to look any further, this was the house I wanted, this was where I felt instantly that I was home. All the little things that ‘irk’ me about other houses we looked at, those little things were not seen… it all felt perfect.

Not only was the house very “cozy”, but the backyard was amazing, and very park-like. We fell in love with it instantly! It’s the type of place where you WANT to spend all of your time… the patio is also an observation deck… the stairs had been removed, but we fully intend to get new ones and take advantage of the amazing view of the night sky. We live on the outskirts of town, and it is the perfect place to sit, sip wine, and gaze out into the night… or, watch the fireworks as they are exploding into the night on the 4th of July. (I fully intend to get pictures of that this year from the observation deck, so I will post those to share with all of you.)

Be patient with me… all of this has made me very busy! This weekend we start moving in!!! But first we need to start off by cleaning it top to bottom, steaming the carpet, painting the rooms, and etc… you get what I’m sayin’… and doing tiny repairs. All the while, I have to also get the condo ready for renting it out. I am a very busy Muse…  VERY BUSY.

I can’t wait to share this adventure with you all!

I hope you all are having an awesome Spring! Thank you for riding along on this adventure with me… I will certainly keep you posted…

I am also staying keenly aware of how I am doing mentally. We all know that even those good life events can be the cause of a Bipolar “episode“… yes, I am being honest. This is certainly No joke what-so-ever. It is just the way it is. So I am staying ever observant of how I am feeling, what my thought processes are, and ever-so-important, what is my quality of sleep. To the normal peeps out there, that may sound odd, but sleep is insanely important for every single one of us… even more-so for those of us with mood disorders. Have you noticed how at every single one of your doctor appointments, they ask you how your sleep is? It is CRA IMPORTANT. Research it yourself… Knowledge is power!!

Anyhow…

Here’s a couple pictures of our new home I want to share with you…

1526917_P01_75 1526917_R01_12Both pics are of the backyard. One is looking from the back of the yard toward the house, and the other is from the house, looking toward the very back of the backyard.

ourfirsthomeAwe, our first home together! Not fond of the all brown, but that is easily fixed (insert a winking emoticon here) … add a little paint… and presto!

Thank you all for all the love and support! I could never thank you all enough for the wise words you share with me… you always remind me that sharing my world is the right path… you are my inspiration, whether you know it or not. Our relationship is important to me! Please feel free to write to me, whether it’s a simple comment, or you feel the need to reach out in an email. I am always here… always listening… ALWAYS.

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.

YOU.

ARE.

THE.

QUEEN.

Always have been.

xo

©bipolarmuse 2015

Always A Reminder

I have been so happy spending this last week with my little ones in TX. For the most part we have been doing a little snuggling, playing, relaxing, and just enjoying being together.

Sadly, now it is time to leave.

AND I got some sad new while I am here.

The kiddos have been having fun and have been very happy… until last night. I fly back tomorrow morning and they are smart little ones and had done the math, realizing that it is soon that I am leaving.

So last night, as we laid down to sleep, both of my beautiful babies cried themselves to sleep. I tried to retain my composure but it became impossible. They cried so loud and hard and really working themselves into a frenzy.

All I could do was hold them… and reassure them that everything will be ok, and that there is nothing wrong with being sad from time to time.

Leaving is always the hardest part.

Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder

“Manic sex isn’t really intercourse. It’s discourse, just another way to ease the insatiable need for contact and communication. In place of words, I simply spoke with my skin”. ~ Terri Cheney

Ahhhh, manic and hypo-manic sex. How many of you can relate to this?? Or admit to it? I certainly can. Hyper-sexuality and Bipolar Disorder seem to go hand in hand… mainly Bipolar 1 Disorder because it tends to be a “symptom of mania or hypo-mania”. Of course, hyper-sexuality can mean several different things: Thinking of sex more often than usual, having sex more often which would include a heightened sex drive, having multiple partners, indulging in porn, marital affairs, seeking excessive attention from someone of the opposite sex (or same sex for some individuals), an overwhelming need for contact-danger-excitement, sometimes to the extent of lacking control. What it means can vary from one individual to another.

**Hypersexuality is generally associated with hypomania and mania and used to be known as nymphomania. (Although the terms nymphomania (for women) and satyriasis (for men) are still used by the World Health Organization.) It should be noted that the severity of hypersexuality runs the gamut just like all hypomanic / manic symptoms do. MDJunction**

 

Personally, hyper-sexuality hit me about my mid 20’s, which is one reason that I believe my DX at the time was incorrect. However, please understand that when depressed, there is NO such thing as hyper-sexuality. The last thing I want when depressed is to be looked at, touched, kissed… don’t even insinuate anything or I might have enough energy to roll my eyes and sleep on the floor. Hyper-sexuality always came out to play when I was in the throes of some form of mania. Sex was like a drug… the attention a rush. The quote at the beginning of this post nails it (pun intended). It almost becomes just another way to communicate… no need for any emotional connection at all (at least for me). And, best of all, nothing embarrassed me. I felt comfortable in my own skin, stretch marks and all. I became the most confident woman in the world… until the fall from Mania. Then the lights come on.

**”Hypersexuality is actually the excessive desire for sex or indulgent activities. Hypersexuality is about the needing, the craving of a release. Hypersexuality is feeling sex move across your skin, slip down the shaft of each hair, and settling deep within your core making all other wants irrelevant. Hypersexuality is a driving force. Like eating. When you’re starving to death.MDJunction**

Please read up on this interesting, yet very real symptom of Bipolar Disorder. Especially if you are in a partnership with someone living with this disorder. It can help explain why he/she goes from a lump on the couch to a nymphomaniac porn-star nearly overnight.

Everydayhealth.com

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Advice

Does anyone have any wonderful advice on how to keep up with the blogs you follow? I have had a couple very busy days, in which I did get to read a bit, but this morning I awoke to over 300 new posts. LOL.

How do you keep up? Is there a trick… maybe where new posts show up on your phone? Any advice is welcome… as I do want to continue reading and contributing to the blogs I subscribe to.  🙂

Mark Twain Quote-

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Mark Twain

I do not know why I absolutely love this quote but I relate it not only to my disorder but also to life in general. We never know the end results of what our actions will be until we put the wheels in motion and take that action. Then we see things in hind-site that we could not otherwise see. It can be a lesson learned in which we could ONLY learn it by carrying a cat by the tail, so to speak. Especially when it comes to poor decisions. Those cut us the deepest. I do not know about you, but I can only imagine the wrath of a cat that is held by the tail, and I would not want to be the person to do so. Though in life circumstances I can surely understand the pain that would accompany the above quote and the lesson learned.

Just an interesting quote to keep in mind when a big decision is in our midst. Every good/bad experience is a lesson learned, but wouldn’t you prefer a more gently outcome… I know I would.

p.s. Do not try to grab any cats in such a manner, it is not only mean, but guaranteed, the cat will get you back 10 fold. 😉

Magical Puppeteer

Magical Puppeteer

The old, the present, the new…

Each capable of bringing the blues…

To muse.

We all have a private place.

To hide. To BE. To pray…

To leave behind the race.

The shadows, keep me company,

Much like the light of the moon, reflecting,

Its gentle beam upon me.

I no longer have a belief…

Like a fool, I can stand on my own two feet.

No, hope is not lost. Just have a need…

To hold on, and to use the Puppeteer.

One pill, Two pills, Three pills more.

My pride takes a plunge to the floor.

As I fight for so much more.

So I use the Puppeteer,

No Fear.

Just the magical Puppeteer.

© bipolarmuse 2012

August Wilson Quote

Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.August Wilson quotes

This, my friends, is beauty. “Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength”. No matter the pain we must endure, there is always that light we are able to find. It may not be seen immediately, we must be patient, there is no instant gratification in this process. We are all capable of rising above our challenges, to be free of unnecessary mental anguish.  Look hard within. Take note. Fight your demons and find the way out of that hole, find that light. Even some light in the world of darkness brings hope, strength, and the power to heal.

Blessings to you all this lovely night. ♥

I am Learning Still

I am Learning Still.

” Oh my son, Look at what I’ve done.

But I am learning still, learning still,

Know that I am learning still. ” Missy Higgins

~When I was visiting my smallest children this past week… my son (who is six) was asking the difficult questions that parents often face. I wish they were easy questions, like why is the sky blue? Or, why do birds fly south for the winter?

Oh, no. His questions were about broken hearts, and why I hurt his Dad… and why I moved him to a new place where he was hurt ( he was abused by a despicable person ). All I could do was cry, and apologize over and over, for I know he hurts so.~

**My dear son,

Some things just cannot be answered.

I would have readily taken your place,

Taken the abuse, hurt, pain.

I just pray you do not question my love…

**

For you,

I would take away your painful memories.

I would sacrifice my very life.

Readily take away every sliver of your pain, your strife.

Take the poison. To prove my love for you.

**

I cry every single day.

For all the pain my actions caused.

Still a fresh wound, a kind of mourning.

Know that I am learning still. Please forgive me.

Standing, or kneeling, for you I constantly pray.

**

© bipolarmuse 2012

Drift ~

In my emptiness, Closing my eyes, I Drift.

I feel your touch, feel your breath…

Hear your heartbeat, My ear to your chest.

My warmth within. A single tear…

I cry again.

A flutter in my heart, A chill down my back,

Your loves touched my soul, awakened who I am.

Behind these tears, thoughts of you enrage my mind.

Your hand clasping mine.

Lips against my face, You have completed me…

Completed my Life.

This lonely room, so very dark… I sit.

I feel your touch, feel your breath, closing my eyes…

I Drift.

© bipolarmuse 2003

Beauty and Catastrophe

Enchanting.
Haunting.
Dwelling in here is beauty and catastrophe…limitless imagination…bountiful frustration.
The moon resides more often than the sun. An enticing tide, Poetic ride.
The beast finds me no matter where I run. Power finds me, controls me, elicits behaviors exceeding the one I call me. Seraphs in heaven weep and pound their fists…
Even they in their bliss,
can’t bring me peace.
Even I, being on bended knees.
Peace eludes me.
© bipolarmuse 2011

No Demon Can Bind Me

Revert inward
Feeling this dynamic energy.
Breathing, feeling this dying body, enslaved mind,
with life.
Battle these inner demons, pin them to the floor of this troubled mind.
Fight.
Fight.
Fight.

No fear can seize me.
No demon bind me….
Nor a God save me.

Electricity
One Electric Charge after another…
riding the monsters back.
Extending beyond Atlas…
fleeing further than talus.

© bipolarmuse 2011

~Because your mine, I walk the line~

Tick Tock

How I wish I could sleep for eternity…
I would never know of the satisfaction, asleep in death.
So I must press on for me.
Tick
Tock
Every breath….
I crave, I long.
A sip, perhaps more…
Crop circles upon the floor.
You echo in my head,
Play on in my mind.
All I can see is that one closed door.
Yet you are all I wish to find….

© bipolarmuse 2011

A Fight to Admire

I can’t even begin to explain
this inner turmoil, this excruciating pain,
the intensity of my building
rage.
I inhale, my lungs fill with air.
A painful pleasure, reminder, can’t scream
“This isn’t fair”.
Just one more day of being
Here.
And you haven’t even a clue
my painful existence, what I suffer
through.
Don’t play judge, I wouldn’t dare
You.
Every day, full of sadness and fears.
I cry in silence, falling tears.
Hard even for angels in heaven to
Hear.
Crash my head through the window.
A knife in my heart. That hurt cant compare
tho.
I’ll take their smiles any day in exchange for my
sorrow.
I challenge you to be me.
Couldn’t handle 30 seconds before beggin
to be free.
And yet, I am capable to continue to choose
Me.
Watch me soar, attempt to excel.
May take a couple more times,
my face to the concrete.
Fail.
I’ll set myself on fire,
set me ablaze and move forward.
Inspire
A life worthy of them, A Fight to
Admire
© bipolarmuse 2010