Tag Archives: Inspiration

A Busy Muse On The Move!

Time has slipped by me, as it normally does when I am busy with that little thing called “life”. My wonderful man, S/O, Boyfriend, life-long mate… who I affectionately refer to as “Daddy Long Schlong” with a giggle… has bought us a new home! For several years, we have been living in an awesome 2 bedroom condo, but we have certainly outgrown it this last year… and I expressed the crazy-intense desire to “move”. So after much discussion, we decided to get a house and rent out our condo. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (that is my happy squeal)!!!

In about a weeks time, we found the house that was “home”. We looked at several properties, most were “ok”, and a couple we did like and would have settled for… then we came across our “home”. We were already in the area, as we had looked at about 4-5 houses in that housing community alone, and when we pulled up, I noticed the “tidy” front yard, and the US flag blowing in the breeze. It felt promising, and I was already forming a positive feeling for the home. Then we walked through the front door…

I knew instantly… I was “home”.

I felt as though I didn’t even need to look any further, this was the house I wanted, this was where I felt instantly that I was home. All the little things that ‘irk’ me about other houses we looked at, those little things were not seen… it all felt perfect.

Not only was the house very “cozy”, but the backyard was amazing, and very park-like. We fell in love with it instantly! It’s the type of place where you WANT to spend all of your time… the patio is also an observation deck… the stairs had been removed, but we fully intend to get new ones and take advantage of the amazing view of the night sky. We live on the outskirts of town, and it is the perfect place to sit, sip wine, and gaze out into the night… or, watch the fireworks as they are exploding into the night on the 4th of July. (I fully intend to get pictures of that this year from the observation deck, so I will post those to share with all of you.)

Be patient with me… all of this has made me very busy! This weekend we start moving in!!! But first we need to start off by cleaning it top to bottom, steaming the carpet, painting the rooms, and etc… you get what I’m sayin’… and doing tiny repairs. All the while, I have to also get the condo ready for renting it out. I am a very busy Muse…  VERY BUSY.

I can’t wait to share this adventure with you all!

I hope you all are having an awesome Spring! Thank you for riding along on this adventure with me… I will certainly keep you posted…

I am also staying keenly aware of how I am doing mentally. We all know that even those good life events can be the cause of a Bipolar “episode“… yes, I am being honest. This is certainly No joke what-so-ever. It is just the way it is. So I am staying ever observant of how I am feeling, what my thought processes are, and ever-so-important, what is my quality of sleep. To the normal peeps out there, that may sound odd, but sleep is insanely important for every single one of us… even more-so for those of us with mood disorders. Have you noticed how at every single one of your doctor appointments, they ask you how your sleep is? It is CRA IMPORTANT. Research it yourself… Knowledge is power!!

Anyhow…

Here’s a couple pictures of our new home I want to share with you…

1526917_P01_75 1526917_R01_12Both pics are of the backyard. One is looking from the back of the yard toward the house, and the other is from the house, looking toward the very back of the backyard.

ourfirsthomeAwe, our first home together! Not fond of the all brown, but that is easily fixed (insert a winking emoticon here) … add a little paint… and presto!

Thank you all for all the love and support! I could never thank you all enough for the wise words you share with me… you always remind me that sharing my world is the right path… you are my inspiration, whether you know it or not. Our relationship is important to me! Please feel free to write to me, whether it’s a simple comment, or you feel the need to reach out in an email. I am always here… always listening… ALWAYS.

Counter-Dependency Series~ Introduction – Post 1

Lets do this! Each week I am going to post information based on the book, “The Flight From Intimacy”… follow along and lets start the healing process.  🙂 xoxo

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EVERYONE has heard of co-dependency right?? I have seen self-help book after self-help book to cover that one single issue that we all probably have symptoms of… some more-so than others. What is the flip side of this subject?? It is Counter-Dependence… and there isn’t much out there about it. In 2009/2010, I stumbled across a self-help book called “The Flight From Intimacy” and it instantly had me captivated. I snatched it off the shelf and read a small introduction to what it entails, all the while I was walking up to the checkout counter. I was going to purchase the book from the title alone.

Why?

For quite some time, when in therapy, I had mentioned to my therapist that I felt a very real “disconnect”, and I felt that I never could let that wall down to allow intimacy into my life. Not just physical intimacy, but intimacy of every kind… friendships, family ties, even pets, and yes, lovers as well. I kept my heart and mind guarded completely, nothing at all could get past it ~ with the exception to my children.~ Aside from them, I struggled greatly to form bonds with those around me. There was never any depth to my relationships. I mentioned it so many times, and my therapist would usually brush it aside, and our sessions would take a different path. I realize now that he was indeed directing my sessions in a round about way to this subject matter, I just couldn’t see it in that moment. During one session, I mentioned it again… point blank… and his response was quick, to the point, matter-of-a-fact. He said, “That just may be the casualty of your chaotic childhood.” Period. That was it. Nothing more was said. I sat there, all sound removed from the room… I could see his mouth moving, his eyes staring intently into mine, but all I could here was muffled sounds in the distance and my own heart beat, pounding, violently pounding. Surely each beat could be felt from across the room, and it must be heard, it was ALL I could hear. So loud. My inability to “connect” on deeper level is just a casualty… that is all… a simple casualty from the young Muses life.

So, when I came across this book, it was like a light from heaven shining down in that perfect moment in Borders, with my caramel frapp in hand. I snatched it up, paid, and sat in my car looking it over with tears streaming down my face because I may have finally found what was “wrong” with me, and damnit, the book promises exercises, and coping skills to “fix” me! Hallelujah!

So let me run down the behaviors of one who is Counter-Dependent.

*Pushes others away

*Acts strong and invulnerable

*Is cut off from his/her feelings

*Is self centered

*Is addicted to activities or substances

*Is ‘armored’ against others’ attempts to get close

*Has falsely inflated self esteem

*Tries to ‘look good’

*Has manic energy

*Acts secure and strong

*Blames others

*Avoids intimacy and closeness

*Acts grandiose

*Tries to victimize others first

*Is a people controller

*Suffered abuse as a child (Compared to ‘suffered neglect as a child’ in the case of co-dependency.)

Interestingly, experts believe that the reason we develop “Co-dependence” and “Counter-dependence” behaviors, is because of subtle disconnects between parent and child during two of the most important developmental stages of bonding and separation. If we do not successfully develop these areas, we carry these into our adult lives and continue seeking completion within our relationships.

What must be done? Well, we must go back through those developmental stages and complete them. This book is going to help me do that, and I am going to post it all here for you all to follow along. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to contact me either here, in the comment option below ↓, or contact me personally at musey_bipolarmuse(at)yahoo(dot)com (I don’t spell the address out in the correct manner because computers are smart, and spammers could easily pick up the address written out correctly and hit my inbox up with spam. I detest spam. LOL

** I wanted to mention…. I really am excited about this book. In the intro, it mentions that it does NOT take the “disease” approach that has become the norm in our world these days. For example, alcoholism is a disease, dependency is a disease, mood disorders are a disease, and on and on… you get what I mean. This book does not take that approach, saying, “Millions of Americans have accepted a lower quality of life because they have passively accepted the judgmental diseased-orientated approach as the truth about addictive relationships. This book does NOT diagnose you as being sick but instead provides a map for your journey to changing your counter-dependent behaviors.

I am thrilled to explore this for myself, and I am even more thrilled to share it with you here. I plan to really take it to heart and participate in the written exercises and other tools offered to help me heal. To heal that toddler who was some how, in some way, unable to complete those very important developmental steps of bonding and separation. To heal the child in me who sadly was witness to many things a child shouldn’t have to experience. That child who played in the backyard, alone… climbed trees and explored, alone… that child who sat in her room, headphones blasting, writing heart breaking poetry, alone. Don’t get me wrong… I had love, lots of it, and I loved back. I had my Mom, who was my everything, who I loved and still love madly… and I had my Nanny (the affectionate term of endearment for my grandmother) and Gramps, who was my shelter in the storm. I had love. However, I also had a taste of hell on earth… and that in itself, stole me, and left me… alone.

♥ Musey

© bipolarmuse 2014

Help me help you… inspire one another… xo

A New Thought~ “Counter Dependence”

I have a strong love for self help books, and always have. I look to them to figure out “what’s wrong” with me… and for guidance in changing the things about myself that I feel need work. I am always trying to be very self aware, and I do believe I should always be learning and growing. Always pressing forward to become who “Musey” is. This is a life long adventure that will never have an end point… with my last breath, even in that moment, there will be growth.

The Flight From Intimacy

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The book is titled “The Flight FROM Intimacy” and is one of it’s kind. So much is discussed about “Co-Dependence” or “Co-Dependent Enabling”, but nothing is spoken about the flipside of Co-Dependency…  “COUNTER-DEPENDENCY”. What in the world is it?? Have you heard of if before??

In 2010, when I was in the grip of one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had, and of which happened to be the longest and most destructive breakdown I have ever experienced, one thing I had really come head to head with was my inability to have intimate relationships. Not only sexually intimate, but intimate in general… CLOSE relationships were impossible for me. I had walls. HUGE walls. They made it impossible for me to make lasting relationships of any kind, and kept me secluded, and “safe”. Is that truly what those walls accomplished?? NO. These walls did one thing… held me captive. Kept me alone. Sure, they did prevent me from being hurt by friends and loved ones, but more so, they prevented me from having any type of real, much needed healthy relationships.

As I go through this book, I am going to put blog posts here for you all to follow along as I learn, and share this new side of myself that truly isn’t “new”, but territory that is new for me to discover. Follow along with me, see how some of these traits appear to apply to you as well… and lets discover how to fix what needs to be repaired so that we may have more love in our lives! We deserve love and happiness! Sometimes we may think we deserve every second of misery we have inflicted upon ourselves, sometimes we fool ourselves into needing that so we do not forget… but I sit here today, exposing my heart and soul… and I invite you to do the same… lets figure out what we can control and change, lets discover how to be happier, to love more, to FEEL love more, and lets learn to heal our hearts, our minds, our complete selves. We have so much more life to live, love to share, and we need to begin at square one… forgiveness of self. All else will fall into place as we journey forward learning to love the one person we know deserves to be forgiven and loved, and held in a tight loving embrace… YOU.

I deserve this for myself. To forgive… to love… ME.

♥Musey

Just A Little Disclaimer**

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When I began this blog, I was wanting to use it as a journal of sorts where I could just “bleed on paper” and write freely without censoring myself. Over time, people I know on a personal level are also aware of my blog and therefor have an insiders view to by mind. I don’t mind this at all… except… well, don’t make me feel as though I need to filter myself or censor myself. Please. Pretty please.

Understand that when I write, many of my posts began months ago, sometimes even longer… and many times, my writings are not about this very moment I am in… many times, I dive back in time to a certain memory, a certain feeling, a place in my mind… I write out my “ifs, ands, or buts”, I may dwell on something sad, or maybe on something that has you scratching your head and asking, “Haven’t you gotten over this yet”? The answer to that is… Yes, and No.

What I write about, and who I am are an accumulation of events… or moments rather… that have impacted me and have helped to shape and mold me into who I am right at this moment. All 37 years behind me have made me the Musey that I am. I write to release, I write because I enjoy writing and love to put on to paper what I cannot say with my lips, I write because I want to, and because I can.

Some things that I write about may seem like I am referring to a person when I am not at all. I often change my Bipolar disorder into a “being”, personifying it… turning it into a crushing presence resembling what can only be in human form… when of course, it’s not.

I do the same with many other aspects and battles in my life.

It may seem as though I linger too lovingly, obsessively, over a past person, a past trauma. Again, remember that my writings are often about a certain time, or time frame… where I surrender to the thoughts in my head, fitting for that time. A moment recollecting “time”, and handing myself over in that rare moment, to sink back to a realm allowing myself to feel, to close my eyes and forget for a moment, this place… and to hand myself over to the intense wave of emotions, good and bad, that rode passenger to the specific moment in “time” that I am visiting to tap into my craft… the muse’s to my heart, departing and healing with each visit… in which these very words fall perfectly from my mind in this experience, to my lips to share here with you.

So please, always keep this in mind as you read… because I truly do want to share openly what I can comfortably share, and that which at times may be uncomfortable as well, and I want to do so feverishly. I have a flame inside. I want to use it… to scorch my heart and soul, feeding the flame, so that it may purify… scorching those painful moments, purifying me… so that I may continue forward with a clean slate, as a “whole” Muse.

Goodbye 2013! 2014 Is Going to Rock!

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Like Grumpy Cat, I am about this enthused with the holiday season that just passed… and I am ready to start this New Year with a bang! I don’t like to make any type of resolutions because they are rarely followed through (and then are always proceeded with a depressive spell), so I like to just mosey on into the new year with thoughts of how I will make it better than the previous…

Thank God Christmas and New Years is over… I am ready to get on with it!

HOPEFULLY I will be more creative this year and not as boring as a sopping wet door mat like I was in 2013… (Ok, I probably wasn’t THAT bad, but you totally get my drift.) …and I am hoping to be hit with a huge dose of creativity, a MASSIVE dose would be best, distributed over the course of the year would be even better, and if I have a few of you to join me on this roller coaster ride… then even better!

gettingInspired

So… I am always open to inspiration that is directed my way… or indirectly sent my way. I NEED inspiration. Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder usually keep me pretty stocked up in the inspiration department because misery loves to write, for me, and is my way of “bleeding on paper”. So, sadly, when I am feeling fairly well (or not crying every single day), I dry up. This well runs dry and I can’t find even a drop of the inspiration I need to write. Sad isn’t it?

I won’t give up though… by any means. But maybe I can figure out a way to turn this fountain back on. I just want to be entertaining, creative, overflowing with poems, quotes, general information about mental illness… if nothing else, to do these things just for me even if I am the only one entertained.

I want to be the “Frog in the Milk Pail”.

So I keep trekking on… keep some words flowing, enjoy visual stimulation… and most important, I will share all of this with you. Hopefully I don’t bore you to death… but I will be consistent, boring or not…

As Bipolarmuse, I deserve this.

Safe and Sound

This song is so stuck in my head!! It has been playing in my mind for about a week now!

Safe and Sound

When I was first diagnosed with mental disorders I thought “ok, I can do this. I have been living this way as long as I can remember”…. then the stigma of it hit me like a tidal wave and I had to pretend that all was ok. I was told everything from “meds make you a zombie”, I “feel like I have lost my sister” (told to me by my younger sister because the meds dulled me down), “you don’t look sick, it is all in your mind”, “Pull out of it like the rest of us do”, “the doctors are just telling you something is wrong so you go back and they make money off of you”… etc. I am sure that those of you with mood/mental disorders have heard these lines or something similar.

It wasn’t until my last breakdown that I realized I would always…. ALWAYS…. need medication and therapy. My disorder ran rampant for so many years that it got worse and worse over time.

Now that I am in a better place emotionally, I see things differently. I finally smell fresh cut grass, rain on the hot pavement, flowers, bbq’s, and more. In the throes of depression, all of these things were muted for me. I have written about it before but I will write about it again soon.

Now, in this place I reside within my mind… though not perfect… I know that I will be safe and sound… I have taken extreme measures to get to this point.

When you are struggling and think you cannot go another day… hold on with all of your strength… and come here, or to Bipolarmuse’s facebook page  to see that someone has made it against all odds, and you can too.

Keep breathing. Practice mindfulness. Be gentle to yourself.

An Act Of Kindness

“Remember, there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~ Scott Adams

AmberPhantomButterfly

Picture found on Milky way Scientists Facebook

I was, very recently, touched by a wonderful, kind hearted woman. She felt compelled to give me a gift, and it set into motion a ripple of many good things for me and my children. Her gift came at just the perfect moment… and it literally permeated into many areas of my life… areas where, without her kindness, certain things would not have been possible.

Remember, acts of kindness can travel far… and are such a blessing.

Practice kindness in any way that you can… whether it be a smile, or something bigger… it does not go unnoticed.

Create those positive ripples. ♥

I Will Wait For You

 

 

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I Will Wait For You

Nothing on this earth prepared me for the love, that as a mother, I have for my children. Nothing compares to it… nothing can hold a candle to this love. They may not be with me physically, but they are always with me in in mind, heart, and soul.

I will wait. However long it takes to have them at my side without losing out on more of their lives… I will wait.

For sharing dreams and wishing on stars… I will wait.

For now, I love, watch, listen, stare, care, hurt, and cry… I learn… I give pieces of myself to make them whole.

My day will come… so I will wait.

So Here I Sit

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Yesterday was July first… significant to me because it was the day that I had to fly my two little ones home to Texas for final preparations before their move to Germany with their Dad. Two hours ago, I traded them off to their Dad, and now I sit at the airport (an overnight stay on an uncomfortable bench) waiting to board my flight right back home. We reached our destination at midnight, and I board my next flight shortly after 5am.

Does this blow a big one?? Hell yes it does. Happily, the kiddo’s were so excited to see their Dad that I was able to help keep their happiness levels on nice even ground. I assured them that we will ‘skype’ and do ‘facetime’ VERY soon so we can see each other as we talk. They seemed to really like that idea which makes me ecstatic! I will NEED to see them and talk to them while they are away. It seems like they grow like weeds and I am unable to keep track and record all of their babyhood and childhood growing adventures.

Having them here with me for the month was beautiful and absolutely amazing. I literally enjoyed every moment from doing things with a couple friends to just relaxing at home with them. We watched Netflix, drank chocolate milk, ate cereal, and drank Gatorade…. ate chips, noodles, snacks… you get my drift.

I slept in their room every night, (and I certainly enjoyed that very much), and took turns cuddling them. I listened to their breathing become more rhythmic, and took delight in staring at their beautiful features under the moon light.

I loved every moment given to me.

And I look forward to more.

Right now, I focus on staying healthy… and will work ever so diligently on that.

I will always strive to be the best Mom I can be… and I will practice being more and more of what they need.

Because when it comes down to it… isn’t it all about making them happy?? Creating moments for them to remember forever?? Watching them grow in happiness, health, and always have that beam of sunlight shine upon me from the happiness in the hearts??

That is where my love is. It is not selfish… it is not spiteful… it is not hurtful.

It is holding hands, little kisses, unspoken moments, and sadness turned into happiness.

And so now, I sit in this airport… so silent. I hold onto the smiles and hugs and kisses… I hold onto the “I love you’s”… I hold onto the fact that they will experience a life I could not have given them. I hold onto the hope that they will one day understand my selflessness was born of love for them… My selfish mind and heart wants to fight tooth and nail to have them in my custody at all times, but that is not what is best for the kids…

And so I hold on.

Stand Up

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Fall down seven times, stand up eight. – Chinese proverb

It is very easy to become discouraged when mistakes are made. Sometimes we forget that we must learn from our wrong doings to prevent ourselves from making the same mistake twice.

Mistakes hurt… and often times, they hurt others as well…

What must be done when we stumble and fall down? WE GET BACK UP.

No matter how hard the fall, no matter the pain and sorrow, when you make a mistake, stumble and fall, do everything within your power to get back up again.

And one other important detail… never be afraid to ask for help.

Withdrawals…. Day One

Please read this post about a new Doc lowering the dosages of my meds to better understand this post…read it HERE.

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So day one of withdrawals has hit me. It started with having the sweats yesterday, the inability to sleep the last two nights, and now I can add muscle pain to the mix. Of course, other problems are arising but I will refrain from mentioning them until they become overly bothersome.

The worst part is that the pills are on my mind nonstop… they are always on the forefront of my mind though there is nothing that can be done about my medication situation.

Graciously, I have found some organizations to help those in this predicament and I fully intend to get the ball rolling with services with them this upcoming week.

Until then, I will chronicle my experience with you.

Sit back, relax, and taking a magic carpet ride with me.

Emotional Intelligence… Practice It!

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I love emotional intelligence! When we practice this, we remove all power that we allow others to have over us. I know it is difficult to learn and practice, trust me… this one is hard for me too… but once we are accountable for all of our emotions, we can have better control over them. Nobody “makes” us feel anything… our emotions belong to each and every one of us, they are not in the hands of others. Take back control and choose how you will feel…

Moving On Affirmation

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Ahhhh, the art of letting go and moving on… it is a difficult thing to do and often causes the heartache in our lives.

I remember, not long ago, I held desperately to my past. I held on to the mistakes as well as to the good times that I felt I had thrown away. While difficult to turn around, face forward, and press on… it must be done. I had started this process on my own, but it really kicked into full gear when love re-entered my life. So many things are healing for us… I had forgotten the healing power of love.

Find love and add it to your life. It does not have to be love of another person, but love. I think the greatest love of all is love of self. I work on this daily.

Positive Thinking

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Positive thinking can bring so much into our lives. I know that life is not “that easy”, and this advice is “easier said than done”, but take time to reflect positively, to bask in the sunlight instead of hiding under the dark clouds. Try positivity and see the changes that come about. It is not an overnight transformation, but it IS a transformation.

Happiness ~ Buddha Quote

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I never believed in “mind over matter”, but I have to say that I have learned alot in the last 2 years about being mindful, and feeding yourself positive affirmations. Your attitude comes to be by what you think. If you are always negative, that will be what you attract, but on the other hand, if you are positive and present yourself with a smile, happiness will be found in you. No, it is not an overnight thing. We don’t become negative quickly, but rather, over a period of time. The same is to be said about happiness. It takes time to ingrain that habit into yourself.

Be kind to yourselves, practice positivity, and don’t give up.