Tag Archives: Generalized anxiety disorder

Ugggghhhh… come one Medicare! My Rant.

money

MONEY. I hate it and love it at the same time. Why is it that I will seem to be fine, then all of a sudden, I am broke for the next three months? Seriously. I know I don’t have much coming in, but I am very scrupulous with it because I know that a little must go far. That being said… this month I will be in the hole to my man about 500$. Yep. The mean green paper is taking a toll.

After Doc visits, prescriptions, plane tickets to get the kids back to TX on July 1st… I am flat broke… and will need my return flight paid for, and my prescription at the end of the month that is 170.00$ paid for as well. On top of the money I already owe him, yeah, I am looking at a 500$ bill. Not to mention that I have other bills to pay.  Grrrrrr.

**BUT, good news! My medicare begins on September 1st and my Doc visits and prescriptions will be covered. I cannot express how happy I am about this. Only two months to endure and then all will settle down and be great. I won’t be rich, but it sure will help with my  monthly expenses. It will pay for itself and then some…

I can’t believe that, being mentally ill, they wait 2 years before giving you medical coverage. This needs to be revamped. We have so many horrible crimes committed in the name of mental health issues but nobody wants to pay for Psychiatry or Psychological counseling. What is that about? We have gunmen going into schools, high school and college kids with mental disorders plotting bombings and other terrorist acts and I have had to wait 2 years for any type of medical assistance though I was deemed disabled with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety Disorders. Know what I was told when I asked my case worker what to do for my mental health *care*?? Her response- Go to the ER.

Really?!

No… I am not comparing myself to those who commit these horrible crimes, and I do not believe they ALL have mental health disorders (because I do believe that some people are just bad people), but seriously?… I waited 2 years for medical assistance? That is like a person diagnosed with terminal cancer waiting 2 years for treatment. Especially when suicidal… ok, maybe not identical situations here… but you get my drift.

Sorry for this rant but I am seriously flustered at the system. I am grateful that something is in place for assistance, but it literally needs a program change and reboot.

!!I am grateful that medicare is on its way and I only have July and August left to pay for my own medical care and medications. Now I just have to hope I don’t get a CDR (continuing disability review) and be deemed no longer disabled. Wouldn’t that be a nightmare?? I don’t even want to put that thought into the Universe. Not that I plan to be on this all my life… I just want to make sure I do not make an impulsive decision to work before I know that I am stable enough to stay employed.

Thank God I have a wonderful man who helps me stay afloat…

Strong Person Award

I want to thank Marci, Mm172001’s Blog, for nominating me for this award. Not only is it an honor to be thought of for these things but it also spreads a good message. Mental health is very important and it needs to be looked upon without sneers, fear, and side way glances. It is a real crisis that needs more attention and less stigmatism. Please check out Marci’s blog. She does many posts about mental health but has also began to evolve in her writings and adding more to it.

 

You heard me right! You are not weak, you are strong. You are not a failure, you are a fighter! This goes out to all mentalists. And it’s a gift from me (The Quiet Borderline) to you all – Please spread the love. Mental health is not something to be sneered at and it deserves much more respect. Stop the stigmatising. (I know that some of you that I have linked to at the bottom are not ‘mentalists’. You have just great blogs, so I wanted to award you as a strong person!)

So, this is a little something different than usual, lets start with the rules.

1. Make sure to add in the above text and image (below) to spread the love and add how little or how much you want!
2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them.
3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like!
4. Send this on to as many, yes, as many, people that you like. It can be five, ten, fifty.

*I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder- A little info about bipolar, a little something I wrote while manic… Tingles. From a sensory point of view.

I have been on so many meds for this that it isn’t even funny. I have been on wellbutrin, serzone, celexa, lexapro, depakote, zoloft, trazedone, ambien, lunesta, lithium, respiridone, tegretol, Buspar, and now I am currently on Lamictal, Haldol, and Klonopin.

* I am also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder… Borderline Personality Disorder Criteria and Me. This one is where therapy comes in the most (in particular DBT). My therapist said that our brains are wired to react a certain way to events… for regular Jane or Jon Doe, they can keep their emotions within a small range when dealing with emotions. Those with BPD cannot stay within those normal limits and surpass the cut off… that is why we have a hard time regulating our moods. But through lifelong therapy, we can retrain our brains to react within “normal” limits. Therapy has been a Godsend for me when it comes to this.

* Also diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)… this one pretty much explains itself.

These disorder affect my life greatly. I have to consider them in every decision that I must make… and I have to make the decision slowly to ensure that I am not making it while in the throes of an episode. It also affects my love life. I have to let the person I am dating know about it… have to make sure he is aware and explain certain things so that it is not a surprise or something to be kept “secret”. I was in denial long enough… I refuse to go back to that.

Everyday I fight. I wake up hating to swallow pills every single day, but I do it because I know that it is what I must do to remain mentally and physically healthy. I have also begun incorporating some exercise, and eating better, (at the suggestion of someone amazing)… to help my body help my brain. I won’t ever give up… I can’t.

Me… with my new luscious raspberry hair. ♥

There’s so many I would like to pass this on to… with how hectic life has been, I will pick a few that come off the top of my head.

 Stronghold

 Mortal Hearts With Immortal Souls

Letters To Dom

alltheavenueslookugly

Seasons Change and so have I

 

Borderline Personality Disorder- Criteria and Me

I often talk about my Bipolar 1 Disorder and diagnosis but often leave out this very important diagnosis. Sometimes I cannot tell where one disorder begins and where the other ends and it can be a bit confusing on my behalf. Just a little rundown of my life to refresh your memories, or in the case of new followers, give you a little insight.

Onset of depression- 11 yrs of age. This is when I became a poet, and writer.

Fast forward 13 yrs ( yr 2000)- First diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.

2002- Diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder and Anxiety.

2008- Diagnosed with severe Anxiety with psychosomatic symptoms

2010- Diagnosed Bipolar 1 with Psychosis (rare psychosis), General anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks.

2011- Bipolar 1 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, and a bit of Dissociative Disorder.

The Borderline Personality Disorder came as a shock to me as I had never identified myself with it in any way. The Dissociative Disorder I could swallow because of time gaps I do not remember and probably do not want to remember. Here is the DSM IV criteria for BPD and how they relate to me personally.

http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:  

  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. * How this applies to me… Instead of clutching on for dear life for fear of abandonment, I have left every single relationship I have been in to prevent the abandonment from happening to me. I prefer to walk away than to be walked away from… hurts less I suppose.

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. * How this applies to me… God, in every way. Instability is my middle name.

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. * How this applies to me… I have ZERO identity that comes from me. I will blend into whoever I am around. If I am around people who always dress nice and wear high heels, I am that person too. If I am around people who where Fox, Hurley, and Roxy… I am that chick too. I have absolutely no clue who I am when it comes to my individual identity. I blend in with anyone if need be.

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5. * How this applies to me… spending money on huge purchases I truly cannot afford, sexual encounters when single that are dangerous…

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior * How this applies to me… as for self mutilation, my therapist counts tattoos and piercings, so yea, I have acted impulsively for the sake of a rush. Recurrent suicidal behavior applies to me and I have a morbid fascination with it.

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days). * How this applies to me… I cannot seperate this one from Bipolar Disorder because it describes it to a “T” as well. I have intense emotional swings… sometimes over nothing. I love, I don’t love… I wax, I wane.

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness * How this applies to me… Doesn’t matter how many people love and support me, or how many people are in the room with me, I am forever empty. I have  felt empty and alone for as long as I can remember and try to fill the void with impulsive acts.

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) * How this applies to me… My anger I am fairly good at controlling until it builds and builds and then I erupt. I often say “Violence is my happy place” and no, that NEVER applies to my children. But look at me the wrong way and I will spoon out your eyeballs.

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms * How this applies to me… Dissociative symptoms.

It is very interesting to see the similarities between Bipolar Disorder (BD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

The DSM IV goes on to say:

The essential feature of Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder have a pattern of unstable and intense relationships (Criterion 2). They may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts often reflect disillusionment with a caregiver who nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.

There may be an identity disturbance characterized by markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self (Criterion 3). There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values, and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values, and types of friends. These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. Although they usually have a self-image that is based on being bad or evil, individuals with this disorder may at times have feelings that they do not exist at all.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may have a pattern of undermining themselves at the moment a goal is about to be realized (e.g., dropping out of school just before graduation; regressing severely after a discussion of how well therapy is going; destroying a good relationship just when it is clear that the relationship could last). Some individuals develop psychotic-like symptoms (e.g., hallucinations, body-image distortions, ideas of reference, and hypnotic phenomena) during times of stress. Individuals with this disorder may feel more secure with transitional objects (i.e., a pet or inanimate possession) than in interpersonal relationships. Premature death from suicide may occur in individuals with this disorder, especially in those with co-occurring Mood Disorders or Substance-Related Disorders. Physical handicaps may result from self-inflicted abuse behaviors or failed suicide attempts. Recurrent job losses, interrupted education, and broken marriages are common. Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, hostile conflict, and early parental loss or separation are more common in the childhood histories of those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

There is much more information but I chose to include the information that hits home most for me. If you would like more information, please search the web for scholarly articles and websites specifically for BPD. There is a wealth of information out there… and remember: education is the key!

Much love my friends… may this day be gentle on you. ♥