Tag Archives: Family

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.

YOU.

ARE.

THE.

QUEEN.

Always have been.

xo

©bipolarmuse 2015

So Here I Sit

1017186_10200922291492500_616715064_n

Yesterday was July first… significant to me because it was the day that I had to fly my two little ones home to Texas for final preparations before their move to Germany with their Dad. Two hours ago, I traded them off to their Dad, and now I sit at the airport (an overnight stay on an uncomfortable bench) waiting to board my flight right back home. We reached our destination at midnight, and I board my next flight shortly after 5am.

Does this blow a big one?? Hell yes it does. Happily, the kiddo’s were so excited to see their Dad that I was able to help keep their happiness levels on nice even ground. I assured them that we will ‘skype’ and do ‘facetime’ VERY soon so we can see each other as we talk. They seemed to really like that idea which makes me ecstatic! I will NEED to see them and talk to them while they are away. It seems like they grow like weeds and I am unable to keep track and record all of their babyhood and childhood growing adventures.

Having them here with me for the month was beautiful and absolutely amazing. I literally enjoyed every moment from doing things with a couple friends to just relaxing at home with them. We watched Netflix, drank chocolate milk, ate cereal, and drank Gatorade…. ate chips, noodles, snacks… you get my drift.

I slept in their room every night, (and I certainly enjoyed that very much), and took turns cuddling them. I listened to their breathing become more rhythmic, and took delight in staring at their beautiful features under the moon light.

I loved every moment given to me.

And I look forward to more.

Right now, I focus on staying healthy… and will work ever so diligently on that.

I will always strive to be the best Mom I can be… and I will practice being more and more of what they need.

Because when it comes down to it… isn’t it all about making them happy?? Creating moments for them to remember forever?? Watching them grow in happiness, health, and always have that beam of sunlight shine upon me from the happiness in the hearts??

That is where my love is. It is not selfish… it is not spiteful… it is not hurtful.

It is holding hands, little kisses, unspoken moments, and sadness turned into happiness.

And so now, I sit in this airport… so silent. I hold onto the smiles and hugs and kisses… I hold onto the “I love you’s”… I hold onto the fact that they will experience a life I could not have given them. I hold onto the hope that they will one day understand my selflessness was born of love for them… My selfish mind and heart wants to fight tooth and nail to have them in my custody at all times, but that is not what is best for the kids…

And so I hold on.

Minutes Are Flying By

Why is time going by incredibly fast right now? I blink and feel like days are passing me instead of seconds.

The last couple weeks have been a blur of activity, yet I have a crystal clear image of the wonderful memories created. 😀

This week has nearly vanished before my eyes! Though it certainly did not vanish… I say it very literally. LOL. Tomorrow I pack up the last of my things and I will spend the next couple nights with my family… then on Sunday, I drive off to Las Vegas to live and spend the next couple years with my 2 oldest children. I am very happy and excited.

While I am excited and happy, I am also a bit sad to leave my family here. These last 15 months have been very huge in my life. Not only were they life saving… they also brought about a-lot of personal growth and a new-found closeness with my family. During these last 15 months I have reconnected with family, strengthened old bonds, and created new ones. I have spent nearly EVERY weekend for 15 months with my family. Perhaps only a day… but seeing them and having them so close to me is something I wish I could pack up and take with me. I tease them that if they packed up and followed me, I could guarantee them that they will not become stagnant and bored because stability has never been my “thang”… LOL.  In all seriousness though… I do hope that one day we will all be able to be near each other again.

When I first moved here in April 2011… I was at my lowest. It took all my strength to keep going each and every day. My family was there for me every step of the way and provided me with all the support they could. Aside from my family, Q has been a shelter from the storm. This man has seen my bad days and my good days and knew from day one what he was up against. If not for him and all my loved ones who have helped me to this point… I don’t know where I would be. They were the light in the darkest tunnel.

“Take a bow…Turn the page.”

Road Trip

Ahhhhh, a joyous week!! I am 2 days away from picking up my big kiddos and then only a couple more days away from seeing the little babies! HEAVEN!!!!

I will be so absorbed in their love… I can’t even begin to describe how I feel right now.

My car has been looked over, brakes changed, did an oil change, checked air pressure, and I am getting an emergency kit tonight. I have snack and drinks… and energy drinks for the drive. LOL.

My Heaven is approaching fast!

I will probably have over a thousand emails from everyone’s blogs when I get home… sadly I will never catch up but will jump back into things quickly.

Bipolarmuse♥ WOW

** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **

WOW

Work is slow and I have been having a good time mingling with my customers, getting my hustle on… being a food server has its benefits.

I notice B’s family standing at the front of the restaurant, they are asking for me to be their server.

I love when they do that. They genuinely mean something to me and I am flattered when they come by and visit.

I sit down at their booth with them for a few minutes while taking their order.

– How you doing baby girl? –

This nickname is addictive apparently, because B’s Mom, my Aunt, and B all use it for me.

~ I have been good. Me and B have been doing well. ~ I lied. We were doing well under the circumstances of our relationship.

– Well we wanted to talk to you. –

Uh- Oh. This is either good or it is bad.

Anxiousness kicks in.

– We love how B has changed since you came into our lives. We love you and want you to marry him. –

I am floored. I had been thinking of proposing to him myself, but hadn’t gotten that far with the idea.

– We can help you guys get a house and with the wedding. B is such a different person with you and we welcome you into our family.

I pick my jaw up off the floor.

~ Wow, I am so happy that you feel this way. I have been thinking of marriage, and B and I have been talking about it a little. ~

– Well, just know that we want you as our daughter in law. –

This is epic, poetic. I have no words…

They cease from escaping my mouth.

All I know is…

WOW.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Day 4/30

Day 4: Your parents

My parents… wow… this is getting DEEP. Here is my young Mom and my real Dad (who I obviously had some teen angst against).I colored out his face many years ago when I was going through a “why couldn’t he love me enough?” phase of my young life. Yes, that is me in the middle. We happen to be in a prison visiting area. Fun!

Real Dad, myself, Mommy

Weren’t Polaroids awesome!?

My parents were not good together. They definitely had a very strong young love but my Dad did not treat women with respect and thankfully, my Mom has a strong personality. She put up with him for only so long and then once it was over, it was truly over. I remember some good times with them together, but I remember more bad times.

My Mom, I have always loved and respected. She survived being a young Mom and did the best she could as a single parent.

My Dad has always been a sore subject for me. I know that he loved my sister and me but he had demons that he fought continuously. He was a drug addict and alcoholic. Sadly, he died as a drunk homeless man on a park bench. Here’s a couple posts I wrote about him: Miles To Go , Love Never Dies A Natural Death.

My Mom has become more of a friend and more of a strength to me over the years. This last year she has become more to me than I can describe. She has learned about my mental illnesses and has done everything in her power to help me. ♥ Her love has given me strength when I have been weak. I don’t know what I would do without her. We just had lunch and went shopping yesterday and it was wonderful. ♥

Here is a pic of my present aged Mom with my Step-Dad. He has been in my life now for a loooooong dang time. Hahaha… wow, 24 years to be exact!

Mom and Step-Dad

He stepped in and become an “insta’ Dad” when I was 12 years old. His personality and mine would clash during my younger years because I knew everything and obviously he didn’t. 🙂 I wouldn’t say he is a pocket full of sunshine but I am glad he’s around. (Gotta know him to laugh at that joke, but trust me, it is true… hahaha).

My other set of Parents are my Grandparents on my Moms side. My Nann and Gramps were the “rock” when I was little.

Gramps and Nanny

They helped my Mom whenever she needed it, so they were like parents to me and they meant the world to me. Sadly, I no longer have them in my life, only in my heart. My Nann passed in 2008 from Lung Cancer and my Gramps passed in 2010 from a rare form of brain cancer. I talked to them quite often as an adult and seen them regularly. It broke my heart when we lost Nanny, she was our German “rock”… when we lost Gramps, it was sad, but he was ready. He missed Nann so much that he truly stopped living the day we lost her. Losing him was sad for me, but happy for him. ♥ I will be writing more about him later in the challenge.  🙂

So, now you have met my “Parents”. I think I am lucky to have so many. I know that failed relationships can be hard on us as children… I just think of it as a blessing in ways… because I have had so many people care for me that otherwise wouldn’t have.

May my Dad finally have peace and happiness…and sobriety. May my Mom continue to grow in self and in love. May my Step-Dad continue with genuine smiles. And may my Nann and Gramps be swinging on a porch swing (like they use to do) while drinking Ice tea. ♥♥♥