Tag Archives: Dreams

In My Dreams

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What have you been trying to tell me?

Why have you been in my dreams…

Is it for you? Or is it for me?

Is it my brains need to see you… to feel you are ok…

Better than OK.

Is it my coping mechanism? After 11 years…

You would think I have fully coped.

Yet you play in my mind…

Hold me captive in my dreams.

Sometimes I awake and think you never died…

but reality comes back.

And that night plays in my head…

I wish I could have seen through your eyes,

felt with your heart…

Tasted your salty tears… if you cried that is.

I want to know why I was there…

Was it a final “Goodbye”… a final “I love you”?

Did you want to die with my image burned into your mind…

your soul?

Why?

You always joked you would haunt me…

I guess you truly are.

That is the only promise you kept.

I forgive you.

Unafraid of Change

Unafraid of Change

I try, with valiant effort to ride these waves

Of a most troubled, turbulent life.

To myself I apologize,

As it is myself who I hurt most in this grand play.

Every day bringing new adventures, growth, change.

The beauty of existence is thriving,

Of being. Succeeding. In my own skin “arrive”.

Like a river, the current strong yet I am not afraid.

Holding my head up… I face tomorrow. My heart brave.

It may not bring my exact dreams, but such is this beautiful life.

Dreams ride on moon beams, magical and bright.

So dreams, pure and charming, I dynamically chase. Unafraid of change.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Sweet Taste

Sweet Taste

Fearless. Strong. Empowered.

Life emanating from every pore.

Anxious for this beautiful life,

And all that it has… all it has in store.

Brave. Meek. Humble.

I faithfully see with new eyes…

Glory of the sun, flowers, the bumble bees.

I see the glory of this perfect gift of life.

Enchanted. Auspicious. Versed.

With the faithful rising of the majestic moon,

New dreams are felt, believed, seen.

In the rays of the sun…realities. Realities loom.

Hope. Belief. Faith.

Dazzled, I behold the dreams dancing in place.

Moments so alluring, radiant, surreal…

So close to me… I get a tantalizing sweet taste.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Your New Soft Soul

Your New Soft Soul

Softly, emitting incandescent light.

Beauty of Gods love embraces you, is you.

Love radiates from your being…

Shining so magnificently, brilliantly.

Is this a new, forever sought, peaceful you?

~

Everything feels so familiar,

Your charming smile, your lovely eyes…

The windows to your new soft soul.

A certain perceptivity, wisdom, they hold.

Your tender eyes, shining, gentle, kind.

~

Your peace, lustrous, enrapturing.

I feel this magnetism, adoration, affection…

Your serenity, gentle soul… passes through me.

I feel love, forgiveness, gentleness… Peace.

I release you… yet hold tightly to our connection.

~

© bipolarmuse 2012

**I wrote this poem for “B” (this is how I will refer to my Ex who committed suicide, instead of revealing his name). One of the most remarkable dreams I had of him came years after his death. Previous to this dream, my dreams of him were sad and hurtful… I was always “searching” for him. In this dream he approached me on my Grandparents street (where I often dream of deceased loved ones)… he was glowing, beautiful, and projected so much kindness, love, and peace that I could not help but be showered in it myself. He looked so familiar, dressed in his same clothes, his smile, his eyes… yet everything had a softer more gentle look and feel. I cried in my dream because I knew he found the peace he was always so desperately searching for. I cried because I knew that he was also visiting me to show me that I could finally let go. I could forgive myself and release him… yet hold onto what was good. When I woke, I was still crying yet it was a wonderful happy cry. I can never properly express the beauty of this dream and how much it helped to heal my heart. It was time to release him… ♥ 143~48 “B” **

Jimmy Dean Quote

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”. ~ Jimmy Dean

No matter what life throws at us, we are able to adapt and overcome whatever obstacle comes our way. It all will depend on how we “think”… our though process. No matter what road we take, each can lead to where we want to be. Never lose sight of your goals, even the most simple ones.

My goal daily is to wake up and say “Today is a beautiful day”, it is a small goal, yes. However, when I do this whether I “believe” it or not, just the verbal affirmation will help positivity trickle in.

Never lose hope… when needed, change direction. Never stop moving forward and growing. Hope is around every corner. ♥

Haunting Me

Haunting Me

~

While the lovely night takes its stroll…

The stars dance to an unheard song…

The moon caresses our splendid earth…

Your very scent lingers on.

~

The arrant weight of my woes, my being…

Into magical feathers, they, I, sink ever so deeper.

Incessant fluttering takes place behind the windows to my soul.

Losing sense of time~ forgetting the Reaper.

~

The windows forcefully open, all is silent.

Only a heaviness, and your scent, thick in the night air.

Startled, an eeriness sets comfortably in.

Your weight settled, so absolute, so close, so near.

~

Peering into the darkness, down what seemed like miles.

I perceive the heaviness of you, sitting with me.

My eyes sear into the felt indention. Into your presence…

Could it truly be? As you promised me? Haunting me.

© bipolarmuse 2012

** This poem is about a very real experience I had back in 2003, one year after the suicide of my Ex. I was laying in bed, had just rested my head upon my pillow and begun to “drift” into sleep, when all of a sudden it felt like somebody sat at the very end of my bed. The feeling jolted me and I sat paralyzed for several moments, in fear of what I was going to see. Was there someone in my room? Why would they sit on my bed? I finally get the courage to look down at the end of my bed and I see nothing, only what “seems” like the indention of a person sitting on the end of the bed. Of coarse, moonbeams shining into my room could have been playing tricks on my eyes, but I felt like it could have been him. His favorite cologne filled the air, and I just felt like he could have been sitting there with me.

He had always promised to haunt me. **

Your Hidden Pieces

Your Hidden Pieces

~

Sitting in emptiness,

reminiscing of a past time.

Writing out this hurting heart.

On the floor, head bent, deploring

On paper…this fire in my mind.

~

Your scent in the air, are you here?

I glance over this room,

Play you, Gyrating, in my mind.

Books with hidden messages…

Purposely left, for me to find.

~

I scream, but there is only an echo.

No sign of you to be found.

Only your scent and presence felt,

Your hidden pieces of love everywhere…

Everywhere I look. Is this real?

~

You leave me wondering, in awe.

A year has passed, one year precisely.

Are you showing me you are near?

Fire alarms piercing through one room,

Then to another, your presence causes no fear.

~

One year, passed and gone.

Left me suffering the brutal choice…

Of your own hands. Your watch I find…

Stopped on exactly that unsavory day.

A year later, on the date… you torture my mind.

© bipolarmuse 2012

*This is written from a very real incident in 2003. My Ex committed suicide at the end of May 2002, and was buried the beginning of June. One year after the exact day of his burial, me and my best friend/ roommate were sitting at the kitchen table and she remembered what day it was and asked me how I was doing, I told her I was ok. Next thing we know, the fire alarm went off in my room, then hers, and last, her mothers room. As we ran upstairs into each room, they turned off without us doing anything to them. Then later that night, another good friend and I were watching a movie and I mentioned what happened, as soon as I did, my fire alarm went off again. I would get faint scents of his cologne and find little notes that he wrote inside the books I loved to read. One book was called “Rivers End”, and I found another note in the back of our photo album… amongst other books.

The watch incident is also true. I found the watch in his tool box and it was no longer working, stuck on the same date that he was buried. All very odd experiences… of which were shared with my roommates. I do not know what I believe about the afterlife, but it was a very different experience for me to have these things happen. *

Eeiry, Hushed, Soft.

Eerie, Hushed, Soft.

Whispers

From a place

Unknown to me.

In a sleepy state,

I begin, drowsy, to doze.

As I drift into tranquil sleep.

My name is called with clarity.

Eerie, hushed, soft,

Not a single person with me.

Heart thudding, frantic,

In my aching chest.

I want to call out, I want to scream.

A hallucination?

Maybe a fabricated

Voice from the inception of a dream?

I sit up, fearful, anxious.

Will I hear “it” call out again…

The name that belongs to me?

Eerie, Hushed, Soft,

I play it through my mind.

The voice woke me, not quite asleep.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Incredible Dream

I have had this recurring dream that absolutely fascinates me and I want to share it with you.

My Grandparents, Great Grandmother, Aunt and Uncle all lived on the same street just houses away from one another (this is truth, not part of the dream). Now, my Grandparents home was the most inviting, loving place I remember of all the other relatives houses. I still drive past it from time to time to reminisce as a matter of fact.

Now here is the dream… and I have had many.

I dream of the street and my family members houses. Yet everyone who appears to me in the dream has passed away. Sometimes I will walk up to them and have a specific conversation. For example, I had a dream of the ex who committed suicide. He was on the sidewalk in front of my Great Grandmothers house. He looked happy and seemed to have a glow about him.  He was dressed in the same fashion has he had while alive and I couldn’t get over the peace in his face. We spoke for a few minutes. He told me he felt great and that he wanted me to “let go… it was time”. He also told me that his cousin and wife (who I was close with as well) was pregnant again. He smiled and turned around and walked away from me. I had no desire to chase him… there was no anger in the dream, just calmness and awe. After the dream I called my good friend and told her about the dream… and she confirmed that they were indeed pregnant and had just found out not long before I called. Craziness! That was the only peaceful dream I had about him and I was glad that it ended on such a positive and peaceful note.

Another dream, I was watching an old neighbor that I knew since I was 4yrs old mowing his lawn. He was barefoot as he always had been and the green of the lawn had stained his feet, something I giggled about when I was a child… we both exchanged hellos and he went back to mowing his lawn. Not long after I had the dream, I told my Grandpa about it and he told me that the neighbor had passed away about a year previous to my dream, unbeknownst to me.

Then in another dream, I was in my grandparents home. I walked in through the front door to see the ex who died, and Aunts and Uncles who have passed away… my Grandparents and Great Grandparents as well. In this dream I could fly and float throughout the house. Many loved ones who had passed away were in this house. I was in awe… not in fear…and happy to see them and speak to them for a while. Nothing was askew with them, they looked just as they had when alive.

Now, even to this day, if I dream of this house, my passed away loved ones are there. It is like they meet there knowing I will show up to visit with them. When I was really into lucid dreaming I would always try to get to that house. Sometimes I could and sometimes I could not. And a couple times the house was vacant, not of furniture, it looked the same, but the loved ones were not there.

This is a dream that I hope to continue having. It is such an awe inspiring dream with such great feelings of love and peace. Like the room glows, they glow. They are happy…and when I am there, I do not get sad. The happiness and peace flows over me as well.

I just wanted to share such a dream experience. I am a very vivid dreamer… always. I wake up nearly daily with vivid dreams spinning in my head. Some good, some not. I can only recall one year that I did not dream…after my sons abuse. When I finally had/ remembered my dreams, I cried. I knew some sort of healing and pieces of me were coming back. ♥

Dreamland

The chemical slithers through me, searingly, numbingly

Sinking me further into my mattress.

Spellbinding arms grasping for me…

Pulling me, gripping me, immersing me.

Images, good, bad, the bizarre, swirl exceedingly in my mind…

Until I am, assuredly, walking in their world.

Conversations continued from earlier in time.

Images of knives, kites, freakish strangers passing through my closet

Midst the golden moonlight.

Amazingly bright parachutes, skies of wonder…

From tree to tree I ride, reaching for the enveloping night sky.

Pink, Purple, Blue, Green, Yellow, Red… bright ravishing colors.

Each passerby, every wanderer, very possibly a lover.

A shift in this world, changes all balance…

Red, pressing, demonic eyes watching me from here to there.

Warmth to heat, then blinding steam. Am I here by chance?

Dad, I gasp. Within my grasp. I fade back to the blackness.

The chemical begins its recession…

I open my eyes to my regular life and realize,

I was in another world, One with expression…

Vast emotion, reckless passion…and no restrictions.

Dreamland

© bipolarmuse 2012

** Dreams can be so difficult to describe as they change, and you can visualize in such depth that which only has meaning for you. I had this dream after my Dad passed away. I would ride from tree to tree on parachute sheets. So vivid with color.

Then I could feel the heat, and literally steam on my face as I walked into another place… and that was where I saw my Dad. I believe my mind was showing me that he was in hell. Lucky for me, I believe in no such place. But my father was not a good person, so maybe I connected that to the place everyone refers to as hell.

Just a side note I wanted to share.**