Tag Archives: Depression

My Extra Heart Beat

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There was a time during 2008 and 2009 when I was under severe amounts of stress that I could not escape from, and no matter how hard I tried to “calm” myself and use “mind over matter”, I could not get it in control. This was the kind of stress that kills people, I am sure. It is a long story so let me condense it for you.

My ex, who was my husband at the time, was deployed when I was 37 weeks pregnant with our daughter. The doctors would not induce, and there was no way to delay the deployment. So, when I was to go in and give birth, I did so all alone. Once I was home, my fears over powered me completely. I developed an irrational fear that I very well may die, leaving my itty bitty baby and her older brother at home with nobody to care for them. I know that seems so crazy, but it truly was a thought I could not get out of my head… and I started going crazy. I became sick with every bite of food, losing 45lbs in 4 weeks. My blood pressure was through the roof and had to go on anti-depressants, anxiety medicine, and blood pressure medicine. I feared for my life every second of every day.

Needless to say, I could not sleep. Every time I started to doze off, I would jerk myself awake because if I allowed myself to sleep, I wouldn’t know if I were to have a pulmonary embolism, and if I did, my babies would be all alone until someone beat down the door… and how long would that take?? I know the fear was completely irrational, but mentally, I could not convince myself of how insane my brain was being.

What were the signs of this extreme stress? Aside from being unable to keep food in… I could hear, and feel, my heart beat, constantly, and I could HEAR every time it seemed irregular.

I WAS TERRIFIED.

Of course, I thought that perhaps seeing a cardiologist would put my mind at ease, and so I did just that and got an appointment instantly. The cardiologist performed several tests including a stress test and he also had me wear a halter monitor so my heartbeat could be recorded as I went along doing my normal activities in my day to day life. The results?? The Doc said, “Your heart is fine. You do have extra heartbeats, which is why you will feel that light “punch” that comes from inside, but I do believe that all of your issues will go away once you get your anxiety under control”.

You would think that a clean bill of health would put my mind at ease and the issues would go away, right?

FALSE

The pounding of my heart continued to scare me so much that my anxiety medicine didn’t even scratch the surface. I felt like it was a placebo… it did nothing. Literally nothing. I tried everything under the sun, and even used Ambien and Lunesta. Neither of them helped me sleep.

Normally, I have very vivid dreams… and at one point, I also practiced “lucid” dreaming, but because of the extreme stress and anxiety, listening to my heartbeat “swoosh” in my head 24 hours a day, sleep eluded me and it took years for me to begin dreaming again… 4 years after the fact. Let me repeat that… it took 4 YEARS for me to dream again. Imagine that. Imagine being terrified to fall asleep, imagine not getting enough sleep and going from several dreams a night to no dreams whatsoever month after month. Wishing to get over whatever crazy thing my brain was going through so I could live, and thrive, and to stop merely existing. To stop feeling so scared and like I was losing my mind. Imagine the crazy depression it caused.

That was my hell.

Then one day… it stopped. Just as quick as it came on, it went away. Not because of anything I did… it was on it’s terms, certainly not mine. The experience was unbelievable. A true testament to how I don’t have “control” over every single little thing. “Control” is an illusion. At any point and time, my brain is trying to get me.

Psychosomatic? Indeed. I was told so anyhow.

Do I still hear my heartbeat in my head?? Yes, from time to time. I have had instances where the “swoosh” came back, thudding, terrifying me and making me pray for it to go away… and luckily, it did go away fairly quick. I hope I never experience it to that terrifying level again, and I am so jealous of those who have never experienced those wicked beats… ignorance is bliss.

©bipolarmuse 2015

Counter-Dependence Series Post 2- I never was super woman…

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Just so you are aware, everything I mention here, unless otherwise noted, is geared for adults and not for children.*

What I found crazy interesting is this statement in the book “The Flight From Intimacy”- “People with counter-dependent behaviors also have a sense that they are not ‘whole’ without the help of someone else… however, they try to hide this fact from others so they can appear as if they really don’t need other people.”

I am super woman, remember?? I don’t need anyone. I can drive myself to the hospital with baby bag in hand, a camera and cell phone in the other, ready to give birth to my 4th child. Yep, I can do it all alone. After giving birth, without any drugs because I am super woman and don’t need them, I happily kept my baby girl in my hospital room overnight, refusing help from the nurses, because I am superwoman, and then the next morning, I dress myself, my 1 day old baby girl, put her into her infant carrier, and (with snow and ice falling the night before) I walk us to the car parked in guest parking and I drive us home in freezing temperatures… I NEED NOBODY.

I FUCKING LIED…

And my sick brain knew it… and punished me severely for it.

Yes, I am telling you the truth. My husband at the time was deployed to the Middle East when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I was alone in a new state with no family, and hardly a friend. I had myself, and I would not let us down… and I do have to say that I did do an amazing job… my Mommy instincts took over, and even though my mind was slowly unraveling, it did not fail me where it mattered most~taking care of my babies.

I did myself a disservice though by pretending to be so strong, because the truth was, I wasn’t at all. I truly believed I didn’t need a soul, but fooling myself was no easy task and after a short time, my world fell apart. I destroyed what I wanted the most… my family.

Now I have 20/20 vision and can clearly see what I should have done at that time, yet it does me no good… I can’t have back what I lost, all I can do is observe my self and make changes in my life daily to mend the broken Muse.

©bipolarmuse 2014

Read more on this new series on Counter Dependency- Post 1 Introduction

A New Thought~ “Counter Dependence”

I have a strong love for self help books, and always have. I look to them to figure out “what’s wrong” with me… and for guidance in changing the things about myself that I feel need work. I am always trying to be very self aware, and I do believe I should always be learning and growing. Always pressing forward to become who “Musey” is. This is a life long adventure that will never have an end point… with my last breath, even in that moment, there will be growth.

The Flight From Intimacy

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The book is titled “The Flight FROM Intimacy” and is one of it’s kind. So much is discussed about “Co-Dependence” or “Co-Dependent Enabling”, but nothing is spoken about the flipside of Co-Dependency…  “COUNTER-DEPENDENCY”. What in the world is it?? Have you heard of if before??

In 2010, when I was in the grip of one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had, and of which happened to be the longest and most destructive breakdown I have ever experienced, one thing I had really come head to head with was my inability to have intimate relationships. Not only sexually intimate, but intimate in general… CLOSE relationships were impossible for me. I had walls. HUGE walls. They made it impossible for me to make lasting relationships of any kind, and kept me secluded, and “safe”. Is that truly what those walls accomplished?? NO. These walls did one thing… held me captive. Kept me alone. Sure, they did prevent me from being hurt by friends and loved ones, but more so, they prevented me from having any type of real, much needed healthy relationships.

As I go through this book, I am going to put blog posts here for you all to follow along as I learn, and share this new side of myself that truly isn’t “new”, but territory that is new for me to discover. Follow along with me, see how some of these traits appear to apply to you as well… and lets discover how to fix what needs to be repaired so that we may have more love in our lives! We deserve love and happiness! Sometimes we may think we deserve every second of misery we have inflicted upon ourselves, sometimes we fool ourselves into needing that so we do not forget… but I sit here today, exposing my heart and soul… and I invite you to do the same… lets figure out what we can control and change, lets discover how to be happier, to love more, to FEEL love more, and lets learn to heal our hearts, our minds, our complete selves. We have so much more life to live, love to share, and we need to begin at square one… forgiveness of self. All else will fall into place as we journey forward learning to love the one person we know deserves to be forgiven and loved, and held in a tight loving embrace… YOU.

I deserve this for myself. To forgive… to love… ME.

♥Musey

Just A Little Disclaimer**

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When I began this blog, I was wanting to use it as a journal of sorts where I could just “bleed on paper” and write freely without censoring myself. Over time, people I know on a personal level are also aware of my blog and therefor have an insiders view to by mind. I don’t mind this at all… except… well, don’t make me feel as though I need to filter myself or censor myself. Please. Pretty please.

Understand that when I write, many of my posts began months ago, sometimes even longer… and many times, my writings are not about this very moment I am in… many times, I dive back in time to a certain memory, a certain feeling, a place in my mind… I write out my “ifs, ands, or buts”, I may dwell on something sad, or maybe on something that has you scratching your head and asking, “Haven’t you gotten over this yet”? The answer to that is… Yes, and No.

What I write about, and who I am are an accumulation of events… or moments rather… that have impacted me and have helped to shape and mold me into who I am right at this moment. All 37 years behind me have made me the Musey that I am. I write to release, I write because I enjoy writing and love to put on to paper what I cannot say with my lips, I write because I want to, and because I can.

Some things that I write about may seem like I am referring to a person when I am not at all. I often change my Bipolar disorder into a “being”, personifying it… turning it into a crushing presence resembling what can only be in human form… when of course, it’s not.

I do the same with many other aspects and battles in my life.

It may seem as though I linger too lovingly, obsessively, over a past person, a past trauma. Again, remember that my writings are often about a certain time, or time frame… where I surrender to the thoughts in my head, fitting for that time. A moment recollecting “time”, and handing myself over in that rare moment, to sink back to a realm allowing myself to feel, to close my eyes and forget for a moment, this place… and to hand myself over to the intense wave of emotions, good and bad, that rode passenger to the specific moment in “time” that I am visiting to tap into my craft… the muse’s to my heart, departing and healing with each visit… in which these very words fall perfectly from my mind in this experience, to my lips to share here with you.

So please, always keep this in mind as you read… because I truly do want to share openly what I can comfortably share, and that which at times may be uncomfortable as well, and I want to do so feverishly. I have a flame inside. I want to use it… to scorch my heart and soul, feeding the flame, so that it may purify… scorching those painful moments, purifying me… so that I may continue forward with a clean slate, as a “whole” Muse.

Times Defining Moments

The mental pain is becoming worse with each day that passes. I am back to being tearful daily and I have to work so hard to try to remain present… to chase those thoughts that crush me from my mind.

That heaviness in my chest is little by little stealing my breath… my breath that wreaks ” the stench of regret”.  For a long time there was a single defining moment in my life… B’s suicide. Life became a “before” and “after” of that traumatic experience… nothing could touch the destruction of my mind and my heart… nothing felt nearly as painful, nothing compared to the agony. His suicide stole my happiness, stole my hope, killed my spirit.

Now I have noticed that life has given me a 2nd single defining moment in time… “before” and “after” destroying my life a second time including the abuse my son suffered by a monsters hand… “before” and after my breakdown… “before” and “after” 2009. It is sad that time holds me prisoner to the heartache.

I have been struggling alot lately. My mind is going a million miles an hour… and my only relief comes in the form of sleep. I am very grateful that the medications I am on help to knock me out day in and day out. Sometimes it becomes so exhausting that I sleep all day… and then all night. My dreams can haunt me at times, but for the most part… it is relief. ~sigh~

The struggle is tough…

I was lucky that for a time there I was able to get rid of one of my psych meds, but that was short lived and I am now back on that medication. I feel like a druggie… living life under the veil of medication. But I must do it to live. I haven’t a choice in the matter and it is something I just need to get over. Just because I have to take it does not mean I am weak, or a failure. It just is what it is… and who is keeping score anyways.

It just is.

The Monster I Loathe…

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I have been struggling lately and it is crushing. My chest is heavy, my eyes are tearful, all I want to feel is painless mentally and physically… I want to be numb. I totally understand how many people with mental issues have substance abuse problems as well. Sometimes it comes to the ancient  question of what came first, the chicken or the egg?

My heart hurts and my mind keeps diving into the past causing me to have “flashes” of moments that hurt me to my core, to my very soul. I want to go back in time and slap the shit out of myself… I want to yell and scream, I want to release my rage and rid myself of the monster on my back. I want to go back to a time when I did not know hate. To a time when my blood didn’t run cold. To a time that just one change, would have prevented this pain. Could it have been prevented?

My brain has me hostage. I hope with all my heart that God is real… and I hope He can remove this unhealthy brain and show me what it is to be pain free… to feel content, to show me what it is like to replace tears of pain and heartache to tears of happiness.

Life is brutally beautiful. It is happiness, and it is alot of pain as well. Those painful moments help us to recognize and appreciate the good… right? I absolutely hate to lose sight, and I feel like just that is happening.

I feel like my only reprieve is sleep. And luckily, the medications I am on help me to sleep very well. I am very appreciative for that little miracle. I know just how destructive it is to lack in sleep… it is horrible and makes life so much harder.

It is what it is, right? Life that is.

Another day down…

I will just pop another pill and hope for a numbing moment where I can sit here truly in the present and appreciate the good I do have instead of lingering in my head where there’s a constant reminder of the regret that swallows me whole.

I just want happiness to be the basis of my being.

Is that too much to ask for?

In My Dreams

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What have you been trying to tell me?

Why have you been in my dreams…

Is it for you? Or is it for me?

Is it my brains need to see you… to feel you are ok…

Better than OK.

Is it my coping mechanism? After 11 years…

You would think I have fully coped.

Yet you play in my mind…

Hold me captive in my dreams.

Sometimes I awake and think you never died…

but reality comes back.

And that night plays in my head…

I wish I could have seen through your eyes,

felt with your heart…

Tasted your salty tears… if you cried that is.

I want to know why I was there…

Was it a final “Goodbye”… a final “I love you”?

Did you want to die with my image burned into your mind…

your soul?

Why?

You always joked you would haunt me…

I guess you truly are.

That is the only promise you kept.

I forgive you.