This morning started out horrible for me… I sat in the bathtub, bawling my eyes out. I sat in there for a bit and just let the tears flow. For some reason, the abuse my son suffered through has been on my mind alot, and I have been using every technique I know to take my mind off of it.
It hasn’t been working.
So, this morning, I just let it all out… cried until my head hurt.
It has been four years since my sons abuse, and though I don’t know when it started, I do know that it was ended after three months of being in the devils presence. So, he was abused no longer than three months, but this abuse has forever changed our lives. People say things happen for a reason and it makes me sick to hear. I must admit though that I found comfort in my grandfathers words that this tragic event saved my ex-husband… why?… because he was deployed at the time, to Iraq, and the incident with my son got him back to the states in three days and he has never had to return. Maybe my grandfather is right, probably not, but looking for the “positive” in it, that is all the positivity I can find.
My heart breaks for my son and I punish myself for not realizing what was happening to him sooner than I did. Why did he get abused by someone I thought I trusted? Why was his innocence shattered and stolen from him? What affect is this going to have on him as he grows? Will he blame me? Will he be at peace with it or always struggling because this happened to him?
Will he forgive me…
It hurts me to think of the pain he endured and that he may always be at battle with what happened…
Though I hope he continues to heal, and possibly forget. He was 4 at the time… and turns 8 next month.
As for the person who hurt him? I hope he is hurting every day in prison (arrested for something unrelated)… that it’s hell for him, and that the same pain and cruelty is dished out to him. I want nothing more than for him to be given exactly what he gave my son. I usually wish worse things, but am trying to learn to let go.
An eye for an eye… that is all I want. I want justice for my son… and I want my son to flourish and thrive…
My son is happy… he is healthy… he is safe.
That is all that truly matters.
I will take all of his pain and carry it on my shoulders… that is what Mommy’s do.
Does anyone know statistically how this will affect him? I know I have a couple followers who may know off hand… as therapists…
I was told by my own therapist that it sounds like my son has processed it well and only reflects on it as a “fact” and not as something completely emotional. He has gotten passed it well… and mentions it rarely. The things he does say though is horrific… enough to send any parent over the deep end, and wanting severe physical harm to come to the abuser.
He is happy. He is healthy. He is safe. ~ I say this over and over when times like this arise… and I imagine his smile and the way he wants me to cuddle him whenever we are together… I remember how loving and how gentle he is with his cousins… I remember him holding my hand… I remember him telling me he loves me… I remember how intelligent and kind he is… I remember his happiness.
He is happy. He is healthy. He is safe.