Tag Archives: Bipolar 1 disorder

A Busy Muse On The Move!

Time has slipped by me, as it normally does when I am busy with that little thing called “life”. My wonderful man, S/O, Boyfriend, life-long mate… who I affectionately refer to as “Daddy Long Schlong” with a giggle… has bought us a new home! For several years, we have been living in an awesome 2 bedroom condo, but we have certainly outgrown it this last year… and I expressed the crazy-intense desire to “move”. So after much discussion, we decided to get a house and rent out our condo. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (that is my happy squeal)!!!

In about a weeks time, we found the house that was “home”. We looked at several properties, most were “ok”, and a couple we did like and would have settled for… then we came across our “home”. We were already in the area, as we had looked at about 4-5 houses in that housing community alone, and when we pulled up, I noticed the “tidy” front yard, and the US flag blowing in the breeze. It felt promising, and I was already forming a positive feeling for the home. Then we walked through the front door…

I knew instantly… I was “home”.

I felt as though I didn’t even need to look any further, this was the house I wanted, this was where I felt instantly that I was home. All the little things that ‘irk’ me about other houses we looked at, those little things were not seen… it all felt perfect.

Not only was the house very “cozy”, but the backyard was amazing, and very park-like. We fell in love with it instantly! It’s the type of place where you WANT to spend all of your time… the patio is also an observation deck… the stairs had been removed, but we fully intend to get new ones and take advantage of the amazing view of the night sky. We live on the outskirts of town, and it is the perfect place to sit, sip wine, and gaze out into the night… or, watch the fireworks as they are exploding into the night on the 4th of July. (I fully intend to get pictures of that this year from the observation deck, so I will post those to share with all of you.)

Be patient with me… all of this has made me very busy! This weekend we start moving in!!! But first we need to start off by cleaning it top to bottom, steaming the carpet, painting the rooms, and etc… you get what I’m sayin’… and doing tiny repairs. All the while, I have to also get the condo ready for renting it out. I am a very busy Muse…  VERY BUSY.

I can’t wait to share this adventure with you all!

I hope you all are having an awesome Spring! Thank you for riding along on this adventure with me… I will certainly keep you posted…

I am also staying keenly aware of how I am doing mentally. We all know that even those good life events can be the cause of a Bipolar “episode“… yes, I am being honest. This is certainly No joke what-so-ever. It is just the way it is. So I am staying ever observant of how I am feeling, what my thought processes are, and ever-so-important, what is my quality of sleep. To the normal peeps out there, that may sound odd, but sleep is insanely important for every single one of us… even more-so for those of us with mood disorders. Have you noticed how at every single one of your doctor appointments, they ask you how your sleep is? It is CRA IMPORTANT. Research it yourself… Knowledge is power!!

Anyhow…

Here’s a couple pictures of our new home I want to share with you…

1526917_P01_75 1526917_R01_12Both pics are of the backyard. One is looking from the back of the yard toward the house, and the other is from the house, looking toward the very back of the backyard.

ourfirsthomeAwe, our first home together! Not fond of the all brown, but that is easily fixed (insert a winking emoticon here) … add a little paint… and presto!

Thank you all for all the love and support! I could never thank you all enough for the wise words you share with me… you always remind me that sharing my world is the right path… you are my inspiration, whether you know it or not. Our relationship is important to me! Please feel free to write to me, whether it’s a simple comment, or you feel the need to reach out in an email. I am always here… always listening… ALWAYS.

I LOVE Kavinace!!

Over the years, I have had issues with sleep. Insomnia was a big issue, then, when the tables get turned, I can sleep 16hours a day easily. I just never know which it is going to be.

Since getting my mania in control check (I initially used the word ‘control’ here, but the one thing I have learned from this disorder is that there is no ‘control’. All I can do is learn from my cues, and try to prevent and minimize future episodes), sleep has consistently been better than in the past with the biggest issue being that once I DO fall asleep, the issue becomes trying to STAY asleep. It is quite common for me to fall asleep easily and then in the next couple hours, I wake up and virtually stay up because I simply cannot fall back to sleep… and if I do, it tends to be hours later.

Well, there is a Podcast I love to listen to called “The Dr. Rob Show” with Dr. Robert Maki who is AMAZING! Since I started following his podcast, I have learned so much information that helps me to live a healthier, happier, balanced life. He is the type of Doctor who doesn’t just spend two minutes with you, scribble on a prescription pad, and shows you the door… he is the type of Doc who takes time with you, really listening to treat his patients, not by “masking” the unwanted symptoms we experience in life, but gets down to the root of the issue and tries to fix it there.

During one of his Podcasts, he spoke of Adrenal Fatigue. (You can read, or listen, this episode HERE.) I did not know anything about it and nearly skipped to another episode, but the symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue stopped me dead in my tracks, and I wound up listening to it several times. Every single one of us probably have these symptoms and just chalk it up to “life”, and not really taking care of ourselves the way we should. I am not going to go into great detail here, so please check it out for yourself… “Dr. Rob- Do I Have Adrenal Fatigue?”

This episode introduces us to several supplements that our bodies need to run optimally. One of these supplements is called Kavinace.

Do you fall asleep, only to find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back to sleep?? Kavinace changes that. However… it is ALSO for stress, anxiousness, and sleep issues. Sounds amazing, right?!

So what is Kavinace??

Kavinace in an amino acid. It supports optimum GABA levels, acts as a “neurotransmitter, inhibiting nerve transmissions in the brain, calming nervous activity”. Considered as a natural tranquilizer. *** “Kavinase is a precursor to GABA. It will convert to GABA while you are sleeping and help keep you asleep all night. Why not take GABA instead? GABA is such a big molecule that it can be hard to absorb. Taking the Kavinase will help absorbance and converts to GABA for a full night sleep”. – Dr. Rob***

What is GABA? Gamma-aminobutyric acid. It is the most important and widespread inhibitory neurotransmitter in the brain… because it is an inhibitor, it inhibits over-stimulation of the brain, resulting in possible relaxation and eases nervous tension. Sounds great doesn’t it?! Using Kavinace in conjunction with Melatonin is ideal. The Melatonin is used to help you fall asleep, and the Kavinace helps to keep you asleep.

It is not a cure-all… and it is possible that it doesn’t work for everyone. Personally, I was completely skeptical… especially because Melatonin has never helped me to sleep. After talking to my boyfriend about it, and doing some research, we decided to give it a try… in fact, we bought all of the supplements recommended for ‘Adrenal Fatigue”. Our results have been great… a noticeable positive change.

Of course, I never put much thought into the Kavinace actually working because I have tried soooooo many remedy’s that were suppose to help. I have tried both “natural” and prescribed medication, and I have not had great results, at least not great enough to mention them here in ‘Bipolarmuse-ville”.  Both myself and my boyfriend noticed that we were sleeping better than we had in a very long time… we were loving it! And oddly, we never attributed it to any one supplement, we just didn’t over analyze it… it simply was what it was. Then…

For a whole month, I took 1-2 Kavinace just before bed, along with the Melatonin. I took no other medications or supplements for sleep. I didn’t notice any drowsiness, nor did I feel like I “took” something, and I took it within 15minutes before bed… I did not take it and then wait a couple hours. My boyfriend did this as well.

My results?? I noticed that I wasn’t waking up throughout the night as I normally did. Normally, I fall asleep, and then somewhere around 2AM, I will roll over and it wakes me just enough where I will start thinking of something for the following day… next thing I know, I can’t fall back to sleep. But that stopped. I actually went to bed, fell asleep quickly, and stayed asleep! If I did wake up, I would doze back off very quickly. In fact, it got to the point where I would lay my head on the pillow, and then the next time my eyes opened, it was to the alarm going off.

SAY WHAT?! Yes, you read that correctly.

How do I know it was the Kavinace? Well, unfortunately my boyfriend and I were not on the ball and we ran out of the supplement… I didn’t really think anything of it because I wasn’t acknowledging that the reasons we were sleeping well was because of it… I have tried so many things with zero results so I was very skeptical that this would work. We went to bed as we normally do… fell asleep fast… and then somewhere around 2AM, we were both very awake and unable to go back to sleep, and once we did, the alarm went off. GRRRRRRRRrrrrr. So frustrating! What sucks even worse is that I am anxiously awaiting the package from Amazon with my new sleeping elixir. I have not had it for 4 days now and I am insanely frustrated and want sleep!

I am so amazed over how well the Kavinace worked for me, and also for my boyfriend. It is now going to be a staple in my supplements. Give it a whirl and see if it works for you!

©bipolarmuse 2015

** I am not a Doctor! Before taking ANY medication or supplement, contact a Doctor or Pharmacist to ensure that it is safe for you. Be smart. Be safe.

Counter-Dependency Series~ Introduction – Post 1

Lets do this! Each week I am going to post information based on the book, “The Flight From Intimacy”… follow along and lets start the healing process.  🙂 xoxo

photo

EVERYONE has heard of co-dependency right?? I have seen self-help book after self-help book to cover that one single issue that we all probably have symptoms of… some more-so than others. What is the flip side of this subject?? It is Counter-Dependence… and there isn’t much out there about it. In 2009/2010, I stumbled across a self-help book called “The Flight From Intimacy” and it instantly had me captivated. I snatched it off the shelf and read a small introduction to what it entails, all the while I was walking up to the checkout counter. I was going to purchase the book from the title alone.

Why?

For quite some time, when in therapy, I had mentioned to my therapist that I felt a very real “disconnect”, and I felt that I never could let that wall down to allow intimacy into my life. Not just physical intimacy, but intimacy of every kind… friendships, family ties, even pets, and yes, lovers as well. I kept my heart and mind guarded completely, nothing at all could get past it ~ with the exception to my children.~ Aside from them, I struggled greatly to form bonds with those around me. There was never any depth to my relationships. I mentioned it so many times, and my therapist would usually brush it aside, and our sessions would take a different path. I realize now that he was indeed directing my sessions in a round about way to this subject matter, I just couldn’t see it in that moment. During one session, I mentioned it again… point blank… and his response was quick, to the point, matter-of-a-fact. He said, “That just may be the casualty of your chaotic childhood.” Period. That was it. Nothing more was said. I sat there, all sound removed from the room… I could see his mouth moving, his eyes staring intently into mine, but all I could here was muffled sounds in the distance and my own heart beat, pounding, violently pounding. Surely each beat could be felt from across the room, and it must be heard, it was ALL I could hear. So loud. My inability to “connect” on deeper level is just a casualty… that is all… a simple casualty from the young Muses life.

So, when I came across this book, it was like a light from heaven shining down in that perfect moment in Borders, with my caramel frapp in hand. I snatched it up, paid, and sat in my car looking it over with tears streaming down my face because I may have finally found what was “wrong” with me, and damnit, the book promises exercises, and coping skills to “fix” me! Hallelujah!

So let me run down the behaviors of one who is Counter-Dependent.

*Pushes others away

*Acts strong and invulnerable

*Is cut off from his/her feelings

*Is self centered

*Is addicted to activities or substances

*Is ‘armored’ against others’ attempts to get close

*Has falsely inflated self esteem

*Tries to ‘look good’

*Has manic energy

*Acts secure and strong

*Blames others

*Avoids intimacy and closeness

*Acts grandiose

*Tries to victimize others first

*Is a people controller

*Suffered abuse as a child (Compared to ‘suffered neglect as a child’ in the case of co-dependency.)

Interestingly, experts believe that the reason we develop “Co-dependence” and “Counter-dependence” behaviors, is because of subtle disconnects between parent and child during two of the most important developmental stages of bonding and separation. If we do not successfully develop these areas, we carry these into our adult lives and continue seeking completion within our relationships.

What must be done? Well, we must go back through those developmental stages and complete them. This book is going to help me do that, and I am going to post it all here for you all to follow along. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to contact me either here, in the comment option below ↓, or contact me personally at musey_bipolarmuse(at)yahoo(dot)com (I don’t spell the address out in the correct manner because computers are smart, and spammers could easily pick up the address written out correctly and hit my inbox up with spam. I detest spam. LOL

** I wanted to mention…. I really am excited about this book. In the intro, it mentions that it does NOT take the “disease” approach that has become the norm in our world these days. For example, alcoholism is a disease, dependency is a disease, mood disorders are a disease, and on and on… you get what I mean. This book does not take that approach, saying, “Millions of Americans have accepted a lower quality of life because they have passively accepted the judgmental diseased-orientated approach as the truth about addictive relationships. This book does NOT diagnose you as being sick but instead provides a map for your journey to changing your counter-dependent behaviors.

I am thrilled to explore this for myself, and I am even more thrilled to share it with you here. I plan to really take it to heart and participate in the written exercises and other tools offered to help me heal. To heal that toddler who was some how, in some way, unable to complete those very important developmental steps of bonding and separation. To heal the child in me who sadly was witness to many things a child shouldn’t have to experience. That child who played in the backyard, alone… climbed trees and explored, alone… that child who sat in her room, headphones blasting, writing heart breaking poetry, alone. Don’t get me wrong… I had love, lots of it, and I loved back. I had my Mom, who was my everything, who I loved and still love madly… and I had my Nanny (the affectionate term of endearment for my grandmother) and Gramps, who was my shelter in the storm. I had love. However, I also had a taste of hell on earth… and that in itself, stole me, and left me… alone.

♥ Musey

© bipolarmuse 2014

Help me help you… inspire one another… xo

A New Thought~ “Counter Dependence”

I have a strong love for self help books, and always have. I look to them to figure out “what’s wrong” with me… and for guidance in changing the things about myself that I feel need work. I am always trying to be very self aware, and I do believe I should always be learning and growing. Always pressing forward to become who “Musey” is. This is a life long adventure that will never have an end point… with my last breath, even in that moment, there will be growth.

The Flight From Intimacy

photo

The book is titled “The Flight FROM Intimacy” and is one of it’s kind. So much is discussed about “Co-Dependence” or “Co-Dependent Enabling”, but nothing is spoken about the flipside of Co-Dependency…  “COUNTER-DEPENDENCY”. What in the world is it?? Have you heard of if before??

In 2010, when I was in the grip of one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had, and of which happened to be the longest and most destructive breakdown I have ever experienced, one thing I had really come head to head with was my inability to have intimate relationships. Not only sexually intimate, but intimate in general… CLOSE relationships were impossible for me. I had walls. HUGE walls. They made it impossible for me to make lasting relationships of any kind, and kept me secluded, and “safe”. Is that truly what those walls accomplished?? NO. These walls did one thing… held me captive. Kept me alone. Sure, they did prevent me from being hurt by friends and loved ones, but more so, they prevented me from having any type of real, much needed healthy relationships.

As I go through this book, I am going to put blog posts here for you all to follow along as I learn, and share this new side of myself that truly isn’t “new”, but territory that is new for me to discover. Follow along with me, see how some of these traits appear to apply to you as well… and lets discover how to fix what needs to be repaired so that we may have more love in our lives! We deserve love and happiness! Sometimes we may think we deserve every second of misery we have inflicted upon ourselves, sometimes we fool ourselves into needing that so we do not forget… but I sit here today, exposing my heart and soul… and I invite you to do the same… lets figure out what we can control and change, lets discover how to be happier, to love more, to FEEL love more, and lets learn to heal our hearts, our minds, our complete selves. We have so much more life to live, love to share, and we need to begin at square one… forgiveness of self. All else will fall into place as we journey forward learning to love the one person we know deserves to be forgiven and loved, and held in a tight loving embrace… YOU.

I deserve this for myself. To forgive… to love… ME.

♥Musey

Just A Little Disclaimer**

fireyheart

 

When I began this blog, I was wanting to use it as a journal of sorts where I could just “bleed on paper” and write freely without censoring myself. Over time, people I know on a personal level are also aware of my blog and therefor have an insiders view to by mind. I don’t mind this at all… except… well, don’t make me feel as though I need to filter myself or censor myself. Please. Pretty please.

Understand that when I write, many of my posts began months ago, sometimes even longer… and many times, my writings are not about this very moment I am in… many times, I dive back in time to a certain memory, a certain feeling, a place in my mind… I write out my “ifs, ands, or buts”, I may dwell on something sad, or maybe on something that has you scratching your head and asking, “Haven’t you gotten over this yet”? The answer to that is… Yes, and No.

What I write about, and who I am are an accumulation of events… or moments rather… that have impacted me and have helped to shape and mold me into who I am right at this moment. All 37 years behind me have made me the Musey that I am. I write to release, I write because I enjoy writing and love to put on to paper what I cannot say with my lips, I write because I want to, and because I can.

Some things that I write about may seem like I am referring to a person when I am not at all. I often change my Bipolar disorder into a “being”, personifying it… turning it into a crushing presence resembling what can only be in human form… when of course, it’s not.

I do the same with many other aspects and battles in my life.

It may seem as though I linger too lovingly, obsessively, over a past person, a past trauma. Again, remember that my writings are often about a certain time, or time frame… where I surrender to the thoughts in my head, fitting for that time. A moment recollecting “time”, and handing myself over in that rare moment, to sink back to a realm allowing myself to feel, to close my eyes and forget for a moment, this place… and to hand myself over to the intense wave of emotions, good and bad, that rode passenger to the specific moment in “time” that I am visiting to tap into my craft… the muse’s to my heart, departing and healing with each visit… in which these very words fall perfectly from my mind in this experience, to my lips to share here with you.

So please, always keep this in mind as you read… because I truly do want to share openly what I can comfortably share, and that which at times may be uncomfortable as well, and I want to do so feverishly. I have a flame inside. I want to use it… to scorch my heart and soul, feeding the flame, so that it may purify… scorching those painful moments, purifying me… so that I may continue forward with a clean slate, as a “whole” Muse.

Times Defining Moments

The mental pain is becoming worse with each day that passes. I am back to being tearful daily and I have to work so hard to try to remain present… to chase those thoughts that crush me from my mind.

That heaviness in my chest is little by little stealing my breath… my breath that wreaks ” the stench of regret”.  For a long time there was a single defining moment in my life… B’s suicide. Life became a “before” and “after” of that traumatic experience… nothing could touch the destruction of my mind and my heart… nothing felt nearly as painful, nothing compared to the agony. His suicide stole my happiness, stole my hope, killed my spirit.

Now I have noticed that life has given me a 2nd single defining moment in time… “before” and “after” destroying my life a second time including the abuse my son suffered by a monsters hand… “before” and after my breakdown… “before” and “after” 2009. It is sad that time holds me prisoner to the heartache.

I have been struggling alot lately. My mind is going a million miles an hour… and my only relief comes in the form of sleep. I am very grateful that the medications I am on help to knock me out day in and day out. Sometimes it becomes so exhausting that I sleep all day… and then all night. My dreams can haunt me at times, but for the most part… it is relief. ~sigh~

The struggle is tough…

I was lucky that for a time there I was able to get rid of one of my psych meds, but that was short lived and I am now back on that medication. I feel like a druggie… living life under the veil of medication. But I must do it to live. I haven’t a choice in the matter and it is something I just need to get over. Just because I have to take it does not mean I am weak, or a failure. It just is what it is… and who is keeping score anyways.

It just is.

The Monster I Loathe…

solemn

I have been struggling lately and it is crushing. My chest is heavy, my eyes are tearful, all I want to feel is painless mentally and physically… I want to be numb. I totally understand how many people with mental issues have substance abuse problems as well. Sometimes it comes to the ancient  question of what came first, the chicken or the egg?

My heart hurts and my mind keeps diving into the past causing me to have “flashes” of moments that hurt me to my core, to my very soul. I want to go back in time and slap the shit out of myself… I want to yell and scream, I want to release my rage and rid myself of the monster on my back. I want to go back to a time when I did not know hate. To a time when my blood didn’t run cold. To a time that just one change, would have prevented this pain. Could it have been prevented?

My brain has me hostage. I hope with all my heart that God is real… and I hope He can remove this unhealthy brain and show me what it is to be pain free… to feel content, to show me what it is like to replace tears of pain and heartache to tears of happiness.

Life is brutally beautiful. It is happiness, and it is alot of pain as well. Those painful moments help us to recognize and appreciate the good… right? I absolutely hate to lose sight, and I feel like just that is happening.

I feel like my only reprieve is sleep. And luckily, the medications I am on help me to sleep very well. I am very appreciative for that little miracle. I know just how destructive it is to lack in sleep… it is horrible and makes life so much harder.

It is what it is, right? Life that is.

Another day down…

I will just pop another pill and hope for a numbing moment where I can sit here truly in the present and appreciate the good I do have instead of lingering in my head where there’s a constant reminder of the regret that swallows me whole.

I just want happiness to be the basis of my being.

Is that too much to ask for?