Category Archives: My Journaling~ Ranting, Raving, and Everything Between

I Just Don’t Get Some People

reporters

I am sure by now, you all have heard about the tragic deaths of the two news Anchors Alison Parker and Adam Ward. They were two reporters gunned down during a morning broadcast on live television by a disturbed man named Vester L. Flanagan who previously worked at their place of employment.

Now… what kills me… and I have seen other examples of this that I will mention… what kills me are the people out there who believe it was a hoax. Not only that, but they believe Sandy Hook was fabricated as well… right up there with 9/11… hell, I guess these same individuals probably don’t believe the Holocaust happened.

This disturbs me.

Don’t worry… I have no crazy ideas about taking away American’s rights to firearms… but come on, THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Everyone is out to take away your guns… so you post videos on youtube, or use social media to spread your “Hoax” rumors?? Or claim it is some sort of ploy the government is using to gain support for gun control. Speak to Alison’s parents… her death is VERY real. Speak to Adams fiance he was moving with… he is VERY dead as well.

Now, I do believe we must educate ourselves and never take something for face value. However, saying that their death was a hoax, alongside Sandy Hook and others, for the topic of “gun control”… that is ridiculous. Because we don’t see blood and carnage in the short recording like we do in the movies… it is all of a sudden a hoax?! WOW.

Show a little kindness for these unfortunate people who have died at the hand of a very disturbed individual… offer condolences to their loved ones who now get to live lift without their loved one, all the while listening to the BS of others who will not acknowledge their horrendous loss…

Demonstrate a little compassion…

When the only thing you have to say will be hurtful to countless others, practice silence.

Show some respect

And…

Have a little class.

 

Another Mothers Day Has Passed …

loveYouForever

Mothers Day is one of the most difficult days of the year for me. A sad day. A tearful day.

Sadly, my children have always lived with their Dad. Not because I didn’t want them with me, not because I have done something wrong… but because of the way that circumstances played out.

Every year, the kids will make gifts for “Mom” for ‘Mothers Day’, and each year, though they do those crafts at school, I never receive a single one.

Why?

During my many visits, I have seen some of the sweet things made to be given to me on mothers day, some of the gifts the kids had even told me about before hand, but they have never made it to me….

Why?

The simple answer … they were addressed to “Dad”.

If you are reading this and you do the same thing, and the “Mom” is still in the picture as much as possible… don’t treat her as though she is dead.

I may not live right next door, and I may not get to spend most of my time with my children, but I am here. I do all that I can with the way things are. I talk to my kids, during visits I teach them things, create crafts with them, play, color, sing to them, teach them learning songs, count to 20, count to 100, help with homework, teach them manners, morals, and how to be kind… and so on. I try to be here for them, I try to teach them new things, I try to show them how to be a good person. When I am with them, and a holiday for their Dad approaches, I make sure to have them make their Dad a card, or get something for them to give him… I remind them to call I make sure to deliver their gift. I treat him like he is their Dad… cause he is.

I would never replace the word “Father” for “Mother”… or cross out Dad’s name to replace with mine… Never.

The first time I noticed that something meant to come to me for Mothers Day did not, it hurt. My little ones told me of what they had made for me, but it never got sent out. Then, months later, I found out why. During one of my visits, I came across the crafts they told me they had made me for Mothers Day… and I started to cry uncontrollably when on the front, the word “mother” was crossed out and replaced with “father”.

I am still here!!!!

I am not dead.

I don’t need every single mothers day activity completed since preschool, but one, or maybe two would have been nice.

Just keep this in mind.

In the big picture, this isn’t a big deal… but when it comes to the most painful things about not having my children with me as primary custodian… this is a big deal.

I am not dead, don’t act as though I am.

Actually, the irony is… if I were dead, every single one of those cards and gifts would have become memorialized… perhaps taken to my grave… never to be “seen” by me… but cried over and a big deal to the little ones giving it.

Instead, I don’t get them, or see them… as if I were dead… but not JUST dead…

dead and hated.

©bipolarmuse June 2015

I Would Like a “Pause” Please.

Oh my.

Life has been so very hectic as of late and I have so many posts I want to make, so many topics I want to talk about, and yet I feel as though I have NO time whatsoever to spare to do so!

PAUSE PLEASE!!!!!

I must happily tell you that I have moved into my new house (new to me anyhow), and am now completely flustered trying to get everything in its rightful place. Everything else will either be thrown away, or it will be donated… I can see the beginnings of a “hoarder” and I must nip it in the bud NOW! LOL. I refuse to be the cra cat lady, living with her dead husband and pets, all 199 of em (pets, not husbands, wink wink, I think)…. walking through the garbage bin of a house… pissing off neighbors, and having my children refusing to come visit me. I will not become her.

PAUSE PLEASE

What can I tell you about the new home?? It is so cozy to me… my personal castle…I literally get little flutters in my tummy when I am driving home because I love the way I feel when I am here… I love it so much. It is home to me… it is soothing… it is where I feel completely content… this is a new phase in my life and I feel this subtle hum of energy that is insanely addicting. It feels so wonderful to feel like this. No doubt that part of the reason I feel so great is that my little ones will be here in a couple weeks!!!!!! I am excited beyond explanation! I feel on top of the world!!!!!

In a matter of days I will have all of my children here… sharing this new home that I absolutely LOVE… sharing my love with not only my children, but also with this amazing man who has kept me on my toes in love for nearly three years now… we are going to be making lasting memories here in my castle, enjoying this amazing backyard… creating memories, these moments, little bits of life to live in our minds and our hearts ~ FOREVER~

myBackyardYo©bipolarmuse 2015

A Busy Muse On The Move!

Time has slipped by me, as it normally does when I am busy with that little thing called “life”. My wonderful man, S/O, Boyfriend, life-long mate… who I affectionately refer to as “Daddy Long Schlong” with a giggle… has bought us a new home! For several years, we have been living in an awesome 2 bedroom condo, but we have certainly outgrown it this last year… and I expressed the crazy-intense desire to “move”. So after much discussion, we decided to get a house and rent out our condo. EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (that is my happy squeal)!!!

In about a weeks time, we found the house that was “home”. We looked at several properties, most were “ok”, and a couple we did like and would have settled for… then we came across our “home”. We were already in the area, as we had looked at about 4-5 houses in that housing community alone, and when we pulled up, I noticed the “tidy” front yard, and the US flag blowing in the breeze. It felt promising, and I was already forming a positive feeling for the home. Then we walked through the front door…

I knew instantly… I was “home”.

I felt as though I didn’t even need to look any further, this was the house I wanted, this was where I felt instantly that I was home. All the little things that ‘irk’ me about other houses we looked at, those little things were not seen… it all felt perfect.

Not only was the house very “cozy”, but the backyard was amazing, and very park-like. We fell in love with it instantly! It’s the type of place where you WANT to spend all of your time… the patio is also an observation deck… the stairs had been removed, but we fully intend to get new ones and take advantage of the amazing view of the night sky. We live on the outskirts of town, and it is the perfect place to sit, sip wine, and gaze out into the night… or, watch the fireworks as they are exploding into the night on the 4th of July. (I fully intend to get pictures of that this year from the observation deck, so I will post those to share with all of you.)

Be patient with me… all of this has made me very busy! This weekend we start moving in!!! But first we need to start off by cleaning it top to bottom, steaming the carpet, painting the rooms, and etc… you get what I’m sayin’… and doing tiny repairs. All the while, I have to also get the condo ready for renting it out. I am a very busy Muse…  VERY BUSY.

I can’t wait to share this adventure with you all!

I hope you all are having an awesome Spring! Thank you for riding along on this adventure with me… I will certainly keep you posted…

I am also staying keenly aware of how I am doing mentally. We all know that even those good life events can be the cause of a Bipolar “episode“… yes, I am being honest. This is certainly No joke what-so-ever. It is just the way it is. So I am staying ever observant of how I am feeling, what my thought processes are, and ever-so-important, what is my quality of sleep. To the normal peeps out there, that may sound odd, but sleep is insanely important for every single one of us… even more-so for those of us with mood disorders. Have you noticed how at every single one of your doctor appointments, they ask you how your sleep is? It is CRA IMPORTANT. Research it yourself… Knowledge is power!!

Anyhow…

Here’s a couple pictures of our new home I want to share with you…

1526917_P01_75 1526917_R01_12Both pics are of the backyard. One is looking from the back of the yard toward the house, and the other is from the house, looking toward the very back of the backyard.

ourfirsthomeAwe, our first home together! Not fond of the all brown, but that is easily fixed (insert a winking emoticon here) … add a little paint… and presto!

Thank you all for all the love and support! I could never thank you all enough for the wise words you share with me… you always remind me that sharing my world is the right path… you are my inspiration, whether you know it or not. Our relationship is important to me! Please feel free to write to me, whether it’s a simple comment, or you feel the need to reach out in an email. I am always here… always listening… ALWAYS.

“…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley

morleyquote

I have made posts before where I mention the connection between “madness” being hand in hand with mood disorders, and artistic talents.

Granted, not everyone who is Bipolar has talents like that… many cannot hold a tune when it comes to singing, cannot play musical instruments, cannot write music or poetry… I am sure you get my point here.

In my case, I was lucky enough to have talent when it comes to singing and writing. I do not have an amazing voice, but I can hold a tune. I also loved music… passionately!! I would spend hours upon hours memorizing songs to sing… singing into my Karaoke machine… writing new songs… I was a total homebody, often in my own fantasy world, writing music and songs hour after hour, day after day. It was my happy place.

I tend to write more when I am mentally ‘unwell’. I am not sure why that happens to be the case, but it is. I can totally see the pattern. My ‘muses’ tend to be in a love affair with my ‘madness’. Am I out of my mind, in a corner, drooling on myself?? Or in 4 day old clothes, standing on a busy corner, screaming to anyone who looks at me about Gods love, and the imminent ‘end of the world’? No. Fortunately, that is not my “type” of madness.

Mine is subtle. Mine can be mute. Mine can be woven intricately with my core beliefs, my personal reality. Taunting me. Causing me to question my most personal thoughts, tainting my positivity with some sort of doubt. My madness plays a psychological chess mind fuck with ‘me’. But I am privy to its ways. I am not always in control of it, but I am Master over it, and I will always win… no matter the war it inflicts upon me, no matter what it does to TRY and destroy me… it won’t. It cannot.

I will ALWAYS win. ♥

©bipolarmuse 2015

“Whose The Queen?!” My Dear Sister, YOU Are. ♥

queenMy beautiful sister…

I have a sister 4yrs younger than me. She is beautiful, and has a heart of gold. I absolutely adore her… and though I am the oldest, I look to her as a positive influence, as an example to follow… I strive to be like her.

When we were young, it seemed as though I was favored because I resembled my Mom and her side of the family… whereas my sister resembled our Dad and his side of the family, and they were not liked at all.

I know it was not intentional by any means, but my poor sister had to endure hearing of how our Dad was hated, how he was all bad (along with his family),  and then in the same breath, hearing, “you look just like your Dad”. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when hearing this, the conflict it caused in her head… no doubt taking it to mean that she too wasn’t liked as much. A “guilty by association” type of thing. As a youngster, I did not think anything of it. In my brain, I was the oldest and had certain privileges with that, and she was the youngest, and being the “baby” came with it’s own little bag of goodies. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized some of the damage that may have been done by “words” spoken as I mention above.

Of course, I do know that it wasn’t done maliciously… I KNOW this. However, I am sure that even-though it was not intended to hurt her, I am sure it did. And I am quite sure it left some deep wounds carried over from her childhood into her adulthood.

I so loved my sister from the very moment she was born… though I do admit I was insanely jealous of her. She was feisty and she loved to be surrounded by others. She was outgoing, she loved to have friends around… and she had an adorable sense of style that got better as she got older. She had this amazing olive toned skin that stayed just a tiny bit tan year round, and if she did get out in the sun, she was beautifully sun”kissed”. In many ways, I was the opposite… I so loved my alone time, listening to music, writing poetry, and singing. It worked out perfectly because we shared a bedroom, and we actually shared a bed… so since I was a homebody, it worked great that she was not. And sadly, I did not have that olive tone skin that I envied her for! —- Just a side note… The differences are there even as we age. I take after Mom’s side and have grayed prematurely and am nearly completely white headed… NO JOKE! Lol, I am literally approx 80% white headed. Whereas my sister, having taken after Dad’s side, she has gorgeous dark hair, and while she does have some gray… I don’t think she would be considered even 10% gray. Lucky girl!! xo—-

We got into some fights (we’re sisters sharing a small amount of space… it is only natural for us to fight), and when I think about it, some of those fights absolutely shame me… what on earth would validate fighting someone I adore who is four years younger?? I don’t know why we would get into fights, or rather, what would trigger them, all I know is that we did.  I love my sister to death and there’s so many times I wish I could go back in time so I could fix the wrongs. Hurtful things were said, things that no doubt stick in her head, more-so than mine I’m sure. She did not deserve that.

One thing that is a vivid memory is that we use to grab the skin under our chins, (yes, the good ol’ gobble gobbler) and we would squeeze it so hard while saying to each other back and forth, “Whose the Queen?! Whose the Queen!?” We would pinch and squeeze and pull, and repeat those words until one of us caved in and tapped out so to speak… uttering “You are! You are the Queen!” Most times I would win, I was older, I was stronger, but there were times where she would win and then I would start it all over again to redeem myself.

My sister remembers this, and I found out a few years ago that playing that little so called “game” really hurt her… and much more so on a mental level. When she mentioned that, I apologized immediately for hurting her… and it hurts my heart still to know it hurt her in that way. We never speak about the past much, she doesn’t remember much, and I remember too much and wish I didn’t.

I love my sister…

I love her so much!!

As adults, we have come to have a much better friendship, and my love and respect for her continues to grow.

Growing up, it seemed that I would be successful and have my shit together. But, that has not proven to be the case. Though my sister had a bumpy start, she managed to go back to school for a career in the medical field. That was something I had wanted for myself, but never made it, dropping out of school a couple times and never earning a degree, certificate, or anything at all. Yet she accomplished that.

I am sooooooooooooooo proud of her hard work.

On top of that, she married and had children, and when her relationship failed, she walked away with her children and has never had to learn to live without her babies as I have experienced in my life. She has all of her children in her care… I envy that the most… but she has worked very hard to be where she is in her life, and it makes my heart swell with so much love and adoration.

In short, I am sorry my amazing sister… you deserved a better sister growing up… I hope that I have been able to make up for that, and I will continue growing… continue to make our relationship better, stronger, more loving and caring… I love you more than I can express… I adore you my seester!! Forever and evermore.

YOU.

ARE.

THE.

QUEEN.

Always have been.

xo

©bipolarmuse 2015

Teased Hair, Plastic Bracelets, & ‘Like A Virgin’… Missin’ the 80’s

Madonna_80s_Fashion

I was so in love with Madonna during the 80’s. I absolutely loved to sing, and music was a big deal to me as far back as I can remember. I would memorize her songs and belt them out no matter who was listening. During this time, I was living with my Mom… and we happened to live with my grandparents. My Nann and Gramps were awesome, and aside from my Mom, (who was a young mother and usually a single one) they took care of us… they really were considered 2nd parents to me and my little sister.

Imagine my Gramps horror, as I (a pre-teen young girl just starting to “blossom”, and wearing a training bra) belted out, loud and clear, “LIKE A VIRGIN, touched for the very first time, like a vir-rrr-rrr-rrrgin, hey!” as I swung at my tether-ball, with the neighborhood kids (mostly boys), hanging out… and my little sister, not even school age, close by rollerskating on the enclosed covered patio… humming along with my ‘Like a Virgin’ rendition as she skated around in her adorable iceskating skirt, doing a little “roller-dance”. Hahahaha!! I am sure you can imagine how upset he was…and keep in mind that my Gramps was a very patient man, and it was very rare that his feathers got ruffled up… so I knew this was a big deal coming from him.

So, the next thing I know, I was told by my Nanny and my Mom, that I could not sing that song anymore… and I was given a new Madonna album, well actually, it was a NEW Madonna tape, hahaha yep… you read that correctly.

So, what did I do?? What any other Madonna adoring pre-teen would do, of course!!! I immediately started memorizing both the A and B side of the tape. I was lucky because we also had “cable” and I was able to watch MTV… back when MTV was what it said it was, “Music Television”, playing music video after music video, non-stop… and along with music videos like “Dress You Up”, and good ol’ “Material Girl”, I got to see “Papa Don’t Preach” for the first time. It became my favorite instantly!

So ‘Like A Virgin’ was replaced… much to my Gramps dismay, with my new favPapa Don’t Preach“… LMAO!!!!

I think at that point, he simply gave up.

I wanted to be Madonna. Seriously though… who wouldn’t?! As soon as possible, I collected bunches of plastic bracelets… and purposely wore clothes that didn’t match well. Sadly, that was the extent of my 80’s fashion (unless you count the teased sky high hair bangs kept frozen in place with some Aqua Net,meh- don’t judge me)… that era would pass me by, and at the very end, my hormones kicked in…

oh boy…

and with those devilish hormones, I welcomed 1990 with a new love~~~

the boy band “the New Kids On the Block”.

Ohhhhhhh yessssss.

They took over every thought in my head. Replacing my fantasies of being Madonna… and becoming my first celebrity crush.

new-kids-on-the-block-20090130-488833

I still would have liked to be Madonna… but now for a totally different reason.

I wanted to be her, because duuhh, surely their number was on her speed dial.

And if it wasn’t…

Well, she should make that shit happen!

I know I would of.

Hahahaha!!!

I think I should have an 80’s themed party very soon.

Hmmmmm… we just bought a new house… maybe I can have an 80’s themed house-warming party!!??!!

Oh yea… it is ON.

Like Donkey Kong… which is another 80’s thing…  wink wink.

©bipolarmuse 2015