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I recently went on a trip to visit my little ones… it was beautiful and so natural to be with them. As their Mom, I feel like there is always a part of me missing, I am always missing out on something.
I get “I miss you’s, I love you’s, I will see you soon.”
I miss tucking them to bed at night, good morning kisses, hearing “that’s my Mom” when they are at a school play and find where I am standing to watch them. I miss knowing their favorite foods, missing teeth, meeting their teachers. I miss out on every aspect of their life except for the few minutes I get to talk to them… and the visits that keep me sane.
While I was there, I got some very sad news… they are moving to Germany for three years.
I cried instantly and have been very tearful ever since… trying to fight off the complete breakdown. I need to be strong… I will be.
While I know everything will work out, I am afraid that them moving so far is going to do something to my mental health. I can feel it. I love my children so much, and while I want them to experience another country, I feel as though they need to experience me more… I feel like I am in the dark without them… and I KNOW that they need me as well. That being said, I could not, nor would not stand in the way of their move. I love them and want all the best for them… I want them to see life and live it… I want them to enjoy living in another culture. I want them to truly live.
I guess what I do not want is for them to forget about me…
I wish they could stay.
“Please remember me.”
Happy Anniversary to Bipolarmuse.com!!!
Today is my One year anniversary and it has been a wonderful journey that I have shared here on the press of the word. I remember that when I started this blog, I didn’t know what to expect but I do know that I did not expect much. I had my blog at a different blog host and didn’t have much luck with it there at all. Switching it over was the best thing I could have done for the blog, and watching it grow has been exciting to say the least. Bipolarmuse has over 700 followers and over 60,000 hits. The growth has been tremendous and I thank each and every one of you for helping make this blog a success for me. This blog is my “baby” and I get so much enjoyment from sharing my world with others. I enjoy sharing and helping… giving hope… showing that when all hope is lost, things can get better.
Oddly enough, I created a new blog this month as well. The new blog is much different and is not something I will advertise on Bipolarmuse… but I wanted to mention it because December must be my month to create a blog! LOL. One for December 2011, two for December 2012… will there be a pattern?! Hahaha, I doubt such but it is a funny thought.
I want to thank you all for being a part of Bipolarmuse’s life and allowing me to share this journey with you all. There certainly have been some ups and some downs… I can say, without a doubt, the ride has been a great one. ♥
It is that time again… the time I start getting antsy to see my babies.
Never fails… how much I miss them, adore them…
Heart aching until that moment in the near future
When I will see them again.
This cycle never fails…no matter how happy I am…
After a couple months from my last visit, I become loopy…
nutty… tearful… yet fortunately, sadness is not visiting me.
He keeps the sadness at bay… keeps my head above water…
Reminds me of how wonderful the moment is.
The battle is to be fought, yet only in my head.
It won’t be long sweet babies… it won’t be long…
Please, always remember me.. ♥
© bipolarmuse 2012
I have seriously got to get over my thing for younger guys. SERIOUSLY. I am not talking about cradle robbing perversion… but too young for my age and goals. I have only dated a couple men my age and the rest are generally 5 or more years younger. I believe it is partially because I attract younger men and partially because they attract me. Don’t get me wrong… I have seen some men my age and older that get my attention, but they are far and few in between.
I don’t know.
Maybe it has something to do with the thought that a younger man will be less permanent because their goals are much different from mine… so it is a security thing for me because I don’t have to deal with the seriousness of a “real potential” type of relationship. Then again, I just got out of a relationship with a man 5 yrs younger than me that wanted the same things but for reasons too heavy for me to accept, I ended it.
The younger guys have got to go.
There must be a reason I choose “unavailable” men… and tend to like them a hell of a-lot more.
Time to Psychoanalyze myself.
The last few weeks have been a bit interesting/thought provoking. I have had official “psychosis” a couple times and it involved sound. Not voices in my head talking…never like that… but sounds from an event, or music. From what I have been told and have read… music is very common when it comes to psychosis. Not like when a song gets stuck in your head, but when you go looking for the radio playing the song you can hear, only to find there isn’t a radio on anywhere near you nor outside. This happens.
For me, sounds have been “going on” in my head for a few weeks now. I know it is in my head because at first I go looking for the source and find nothing… then after so long, I just realize it isn’t real… it is just in my head. Psychosis as it is called.
Often times it happens at night for me… or in very early morning hours. Most annoying was when it sounded like the idling of a semi-truck diesel engine happening right in my bedroom. Annoying. Not scary… just a royal annoyance. And of course my bedroom does not have such an idling engine so I can only chop it up to Psychosis. Music, and hearing the “interaction” between people have also been a common theme lately. I go to find the cause of what I am hearing and find a dark house. So… do I get scared?? No. It is just sound. Not voices telling me that I can fly. Also, the fact that I know it isn’t real is what keeps me grounded.
I may not be afraid… but I am well aware it must be watched closely. Not only that, but it is motivating me to seek a PDoc today. It is nothing to cause alarm to others either… just a reminder that I must pay close attention to my disorder, my meds, and have a PDoc at hand.
Today is the day that, after ice skating, I will be on the search for a new Psych. I am on it. ♥
After ice skating though. Time for bonding with my son…and today it will be on ice instead of rollerblades. I am ready. 😀 Stay tuned for that post. 😉
LOL, I refer to my little ones as babies even though they are now 4 1/2 and 7 (next month)… but all of my children will always be my babies! I am sure the parents out there can understand just what I mean.
Since I am getting the chance to go see the little ones for my sons birthday, I have put together 2 photobooks, one for each of the little ones with pictures from their birth showing off their “belly patches”, (umbilical cords) as they like to call it, to our most recent visit with all of us together. I also included some family pics of my side of the family that they haven’t seen in a while so they “see” who their other grandma and grandpa is… Aunts, Uncle, cousins, etc.
Right now, the babies are at the stage where everything has to be near identical. If I put a heart on a certain page, I better put it on the same page of the others book… same goes for smiley faces and I love yous. So I wrote them each a little Haiku and wrote on the inside page of their photobooks. I got these from the 99cent only store and for a 1$ a piece, I am impressed at these little books.
Here’s the Haiku for each:
For my son: Your hands hold my heart
And your love lights up my life
Forever my boy
For my daughter: Your love is my world
The sunshine to warm my heart
Forever my girl
Hopefully they each like their books and that there is zero fighting over poems or hearts or anything. 🙂 I am just so excited to get there. Just 34 days to go. ♥
- Just Around The Corner! (bipolarmuse.com)