Category Archives: Bipolarmuse ♥

Another Twist In Life

babiesBlueBonnetStroll

 

I recently went on a trip to visit my little ones… it was beautiful and so natural to be with them. As their Mom, I feel like there is always a part of me missing, I am always missing out on something.

I get “I miss you’s, I love you’s, I will see you soon.”

I miss tucking them to bed at night, good morning kisses, hearing “that’s my Mom” when they are at a school play and find where I am standing to watch them. I miss knowing their favorite foods, missing teeth, meeting their teachers. I miss out on every aspect of their life except for the few minutes I get to talk to them… and the visits that keep me sane. 

While I was there, I got some very sad news… they are moving to Germany for three years.

Yes… Germany.

I cried instantly and have been very tearful ever since… trying to fight off the complete breakdown. I need to be strong… I will be.

While I know everything will work out, I am afraid that them moving so far is going to do something to my mental health. I can feel it. I love my children so  much, and while I want them to experience another country, I feel as though they need to experience me more… I feel like I am in the dark without them… and I KNOW that they need me as well. That being said, I could not, nor would not stand in the way of their move. I love them and want all the best for them… I want them to see life and live it… I want them to enjoy living in another culture.  I want them to truly live.

I guess what I do not want is for them to forget about me… 

I wish they could stay.

“Please remember me.”

Happy Anniversary!

anniversary

Happy Anniversary to Bipolarmuse.com!!!

Today is my One year anniversary and it has been a wonderful journey that I have shared here on the press of the word. I remember that when I started this blog, I didn’t know what to expect but I do know that I did not expect much. I had my blog at a different blog host and didn’t have much luck with it there at all. Switching it over was the best thing I could have done for the blog, and watching it grow has been exciting to say the least. Bipolarmuse has over 700 followers and over 60,000 hits. The growth has been tremendous and I thank each and every one of you for helping make this blog a success for me. This blog is my “baby” and I get so much enjoyment from sharing my world with others. I enjoy sharing and helping… giving hope… showing that when all hope is lost, things can get better.

Oddly enough, I created a new blog this month as well. The new blog is much different and is not something I will advertise on Bipolarmuse… but I wanted to mention it because December must be my month to create a blog! LOL. One for December 2011, two for December 2012… will there be a pattern?! Hahaha, I doubt such but it is a funny thought.

I want to thank you all for being a part of Bipolarmuse’s life and allowing me to share this journey with you all. There certainly have been some ups and some downs… I can say, without a doubt, the ride has been a great one. ♥

It Won’t Be Long

AMAZING

It is that time again…  the time I start getting antsy to see my babies.

Never fails… how much I miss them, adore them…

Heart aching until that moment in the near future

When I will see them again.

This cycle never fails…no matter how happy I am…

After a couple months from my last visit, I become loopy…

nutty… tearful… yet fortunately, sadness is not visiting me.

He keeps the sadness at bay…  keeps my head above water…

Reminds me of how wonderful the moment is.

The battle is to be fought, yet only in my head.

It won’t be long sweet babies… it won’t be long…

Please, always remember me.. ♥

© bipolarmuse 2012

Are You In My World??

Men, Boys… Boys, Men

 

I have seriously got to get over my thing for younger guys. SERIOUSLY. I am not talking about cradle robbing perversion… but too young for my age and goals. I have only dated a couple men my age and the rest are generally 5 or more years younger. I believe it is partially because I attract younger men and partially because they attract me. Don’t get me wrong… I have seen some men my age and older that get my attention, but they are far and few in between.

Why??

I don’t know.

Maybe it has something to do with the thought that a younger man will be less permanent because their goals are much different from mine… so it is a security thing for me because I don’t have to deal with the seriousness of a “real potential” type of relationship. Then again, I just got out of a relationship with a man 5 yrs younger than me that wanted the same things but for reasons too heavy for me to accept, I ended it.

The younger guys have got to go.

There must be a reason I choose “unavailable” men… and tend to like them a hell of a-lot more.

Time to Psychoanalyze myself.

Psychosis?? Or Are Those Sounds Real…

 

The last few weeks have been a bit interesting/thought provoking. I have had official “psychosis” a couple times and it involved sound. Not voices in my head talking…never like that… but sounds from an event, or music. From what I have been told and have read… music is very common when it comes to psychosis. Not like when a song gets stuck in your head, but when you go looking for the radio playing the song you can hear, only to find there isn’t a radio on anywhere near you nor outside. This happens.

For me, sounds have been “going on” in my head for a few weeks now. I know it is in my head because at first I go looking for the source and find nothing… then after so long, I just realize it isn’t real… it is just in my head. Psychosis as it is called.

Often times it happens at night for me… or in very early morning hours. Most annoying was when it sounded like the idling of a semi-truck diesel engine happening right in my bedroom. Annoying. Not scary… just a royal  annoyance. And of course my bedroom does not have such an idling engine so I can only chop it up to Psychosis. Music, and hearing the “interaction” between people have also been a common theme lately. I go to find the cause of what I am hearing and find a dark house. So… do I get scared?? No. It is just sound. Not voices telling me that I can fly. Also, the fact that I know it isn’t real is what keeps me grounded.

I may not be afraid… but I am well aware it must be watched closely. Not only that, but it is motivating me to seek a PDoc today. It is nothing to cause alarm to others either… just a reminder that I must pay close attention to my disorder, my meds, and have a PDoc at hand.

Today is the day that, after ice skating, I will be on the search for a new Psych. I am on it. ♥

After ice skating though. Time for bonding with my son…and today it will be on ice instead of rollerblades. I am ready. 😀 Stay tuned for that post.   😉

Baby Picture Books

LOL, I refer to my little ones as babies even though they are now 4 1/2 and 7 (next month)… but all of my children will always be my babies! I am sure the parents out there can understand just what I mean.

Since I am getting the chance to go see the little ones for my sons birthday, I have put together 2 photobooks, one for each of the little ones with pictures from their birth showing off their “belly patches”, (umbilical cords) as they like to call it, to our most recent visit with all of us together. I also included some family pics of my side of the family that they haven’t seen in a while so they “see” who their other grandma and grandpa is… Aunts, Uncle, cousins, etc.

Right now, the babies are at the stage where everything has to be near identical. If I put a heart on a certain page, I better put it on the same page of the others book… same goes for smiley faces and I love yous. So I wrote them each a little Haiku and wrote on the inside page of their photobooks. I got these from the 99cent only store and for a 1$ a piece, I am impressed at these little books.

Here’s the Haiku for each:

For my son: Your hands hold my heart

                     And your love lights up my life

                                 Forever my boy

For my daughter: Your love is my world

                           The sunshine to warm my heart

                                           Forever my girl

Hopefully they each like their books and that there is zero fighting over poems or hearts or anything. 🙂 I am just so excited to get there. Just 34 days to go. ♥

Just Around The Corner!

Ahhhhhh… I have managed, with my limited funds, to get a plane ticket out to see my babies next month, and be there for my sons 7th birthday! I am elated, as I missed his birthday last year and celebrated it 2 months later with him. It really breaks my heart to miss these special times so I am so excited that I will be there this year.  🙂

I am making them each a little photo album of pictures that begins when they were in my tummy until present day. They absolutely LOVE looking at their birth pictures and they get a kick out of what they call their “belly patches” (which in reality is their umbilical cords, LOL).  While visiting in February, the kids wanted to look at their birth pictures constantly (which I have uploaded to snapfish), and out of the blue while driving in the car, my son said, “Dad, did you know that we came out of my Mom’s toes and we had belly patches?” Bahahaha!! Of course we are not going to have the “where do babies come from” chat just yet, so we laughed our tooshes off at that and just let it be. In the birth pictures, they are not too graphic at all, and all the see is my feet in stirrups and PRESTO! Baby!

So yes, both my little ones were delivered through my toes and they had rockin’ “belly patches”. Ahhhh, from the mouths of babes.

Would This Count as “Daddy Issues”?

Making the choice to move and be near my kids came with some rules that I placed upon myself and I was hoping that it would come easy to make these changes. The most important thing: to refrain from seeking attention from men. I have often noticed that I use sex as a tool to not feel alone…and a tool to “get” a man to fall in love with me.

Both of these things are wrong for many reasons.

So my goal was to just live and enjoy my kids… not get wrapped up in any men at all and just live life. I questioned whether it would be hard at all, but I can honestly say that it has been a piece of cake. I do not even take a second glance at men. Literally. I feel in complete control of the sexual side of me and I feel completely neutral.

Odd??

Certainly a change from the me that I use to be.

I do have a desire to connect with friends… but I have no desire to take it to the next level. I feel relieved to feel so at ease.

I feel that… for once in my life… I am completely capable of just being with me. This is a huge breakthrough for me mentally.

I just may be learning to love me.

Melancholy Part 2

 

Over the years I have used many “self-help” books to “cure” me from my mood disorders. I have stated before that I was in denial for quite some time that my problem was deeper than I truly let on. I am going to give you a little more in depth timeline of how my mental health changed over time.

 

When I turned 18 I was elated to be moving out of my home with my parents and in with my boyfriend who became my husband a month later. We started dating when I was 15 and for the most part, my depression seemed to subside a bit. It wasn’t always in the forefront of my mind. I had my 2 oldest children very young and very close together. I was 18 when my first was born and 19 when my second was born. They are quite literally 11 months and 11 days apart. depression seemed to stay away for a while even though I had the “blues” after each pregnancy. I am very fortunate because I absolutely loved being pregnant and had very easy deliveries. My body was made for having children. I kept reading books that said to be on the lookout for postpartum depression… which I didn’t think I had. After my second child was born, I went to the doctor for “restlessness”, “irritability”, “insomnia” (the babies slept fine, I was the one who couldn’t sleep), and feeling “down” even though everything was going great. The doctor told me to start exercising, take vitamins, and have a nightly routine to help with the insomnia. Immediately I began to exercise. It was something I needed to do for health and from what the doctor said, for mental health as well.

I began to notice a pattern…. I would become addicted to something for a short time and then switch it off for another addiction. Not drugs or alcohol… just activities or reading…hobbies… simple things like that. Exercise became my addiction. I worked out 7 days a week if I could… 6 for sure. And sometimes, after going to the gym, I would go hoe and workout there. It was wonderful in many ways… I got into amazing shape, felt my mood lift a bit, and slept quite well.

Out of the blue, I decided to chop my hair off. This wasn’t new to me though because I always grew it long and then chopped it off. Well, this new short style seemed to transform me…or I was transforming regardless. I finally grew into myself so to speak and got a-lot of attention from the opposite sex. This started to be a problem and I came up with “solutions” that were not appropriate for a marriage. Basically, I was in the throes of my first hypo-manic/manic attack. Literally a couple months into the mania, I was divorced. I didn’t have custody of my kids and I spiraled from there.

I always fluctuated from severe depression to grand hopes of going to school and becoming something great… I wanted to make great money and share custody of my children. This Grand thought prompted my 1st move to AZ where I lived with my Mom and tried to go to school. My grades were great… my attendance… not so great. I eventually got kicked out of school because of attendance. My plan failed. Again, I was back at square one… my babies were not with me… I had zero skills for a good job… all I could think of was getting into a horrific car crash with a diesel truck. It consumed my thoughts.

Then I met “B”… the bipolar lunatic with severe suicidal tendencies… and I fell in love with. MADLY. We were a toxic combo. My depression became even more severe because I was constantly in a state of worry that “B” would kill himself. I made my first Psychiatric appointment in the year 2000… after I was taking a bath in which all I could think of was drowning myself in it.
I saw the PDoc the very next day.

I sat in this Psychiatric groups office that was trendy, visually stimulating, and full of people. I was the only one unable to stop crying. I filled out a lengthy questionnaire and met with my Doc for about 15 minutes. He never “told” me a diagnosis, though he did say that based on how long depression had been a part of my life, I had “major” depression. He handed me samples of Serzone and a script and out the door I went. The Serzone caused crazy visual side affects that I called him instantly about… so my prescription was changed to Wellbutrin Sr150 twice daily. It was my miracle drug at that time. But that too changed…

Melancholy~ Part 1

Over the years I have used many “self-help” books to “cure” me from my mood disorders. I have stated before that I was in denial for quite some time that my problem was deeper than I truly let on. I am going to give you a little more in depth timeline of how my mental health changed over time.

~

As a preteen/teenager I was the type of kid who had a few friends… more acquaintances than anything else. I was average looking… meek… yet I could be the class clown at the flip of a switch. I wore mostly dark clothes though I wouldn’t say that I was “gothic” or “emo”, as they call it these days. Black was simply my favorite color and I never realized that it was a reflection of my inner thoughts until I was approached by one of my Jr. High School teachers named Mrs. King. A woman I will never forget. She pulled me aside one day and asked me if I was OK because she was concerned about me. I was wearing more black clothing than previously and I seemed sullen to her. She was the only person in my entire life that looked at me and truly could “see” me. Of course, I broke down and cried to her about my troubles at home, and she shared with me that she was married to an alcoholic and had been for more than 30yrs. She told me that she understood and that I was not alone…and she let me know I could speak to her at any time…even offering her telephone number to me. She could see in me what others couldn’t or would not acknowledge. At that time in my life, my Mom and Step-Dad drank a-lot and it was normal for intense arguments and screaming to take place on a whim. Classic rock music would be playing, often too loud for my sister and I to fall asleep but we would often pretend to be sleeping so we were not included in the arguments that always took place. They were not happy drunks to say the least. When on a happy buzz, everything was fun and great…but as the day and night wore on, the buzz became evil and toxic. And more often than not, we would be brought into the middle of the insanity where words were like daggers and apologies would often come the next day when sobriety, embarrassment, and shame came together…where eye contact didn’t take place because if you looked into my eyes or my sisters eyes, the intense pain, anger, and resentment was too much for the parental figures to bare.

Depression came to me when I realized that I was a separate entity from my parents. When I realized that my childhood was not what it should have been. When I realized that people had no right to invade my personal space, yet did (sexual abuse). When I realized that I was a teenager that had to take care of weekend alcoholic parents. When I realized that the turbulent lifestyle I was surrounded in was not healthy. When I was aware that my real Dad had no right to physically harm my Mom and our pets. When I realized that the drugs/alcohol/rock & roll childhood I lived was not normal. I could go on and on. Lets just sum it up and say my childhood was not pretty.

***Side note–-I must say though…and feel it truly in my heart… that my Mom did the absolute best she could with the skills she had at that time. She was a young Mom and gave birth to me just days after her 17th birthday. Happily, she is no longer the same person I described above. I learned so much in therapy these last 3 years, but I learned the most within the last 15 months. During DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy). I had an amazing therapist named Anne. She absolutely rocked… she was honest, to the point, and didn’t sugar coat anything. From this therapy, I learned to stop pointing fingers at the past and also learned that the majority of us don’t wake up and say, “I am going to make the worst mistake of my life today.” Decisions are made in the moment, some good…some bad… some the lesser of 2 evils, but most are made with good intentions. I also learned a great deal about self-medicating which at one point became a problem for myself and one I battle with always. I will get into that a bit more later.—***

As I grew older, into my teens, my depressive, suicidal ideation poetry was traded for writing songs. At this time in my life, I was dating the man I later married… so my “sad” poetry turned into love songs and true to life little stories…some upbeat but always a touch of the “blues”. My puppy/1st love distracted me from most of the melancholy… not all, but most. Depression already had its fangs in me and would not release me anytime soon. It was always in the background lingering…just waiting for the opportune moment to hit me like a Mac Truck. And that it did….

Old Journal Entry ~ I break ~

 

 

 

 

I came across one of my journals that I wrote in before I realized my youngest son was being abused. Let me give you a little back story to this journal entry that I am going to put in this post. ~ At the time I wrote this, I knew that something was wrong with my son. I didn’t know he was being abused and I thought that the change in him was because he missed his Dad. My son just seemed so sad. As I write this I feel sick to my stomach. I thought that maybe he was depressed and really struggling with the change… I was so worried I made a Psychiatric appointment for him. I was regretting my decision to leave his father… on many counts… but especially because I thought my son was in mental anguish over it.

Here is the entry… it is very hard to write out. My son was 4. It hurts me to the core that I didn’t realize  he was being abused.

~ E hurts me to the core. He is so sad. His face screams it. Just the thought of the sorrow in his eyes makes me cry from my inner being…hurts me like my tears could be blood. We have been here for three months… how long will it take for him to be happy again? We went to the park today and he played all of 2 minutes then sat down and said that he didn’t feel good and didn’t want to play. He started crying and said “I’m sad”. Oh my God my heart hurts. I want to go lay with him and hold him..and cry until he acts like a normal little boy. What have I done to him? What kind of affect will this have on him in the long run. I break. ~

I Made It!

I can say happily that I made it to Las Vegas and that my trip here was uneventful and super easy. **Double high five to the Subaru!**

I am moved into my new place for the most part and only have to finish unpacking the odd and ends to decide what stays out and what will remain in a box in my closet. The first thing I did when I got to town was swing by my big kids house to visit for a bit. I couldn’t stay long but I was able to visit for about an hour and realize that a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper had exploded all over the inside of my car. LOL. As I was pulling them out of the car… the remaining can busted in my hands and the lower half of my body was soaked in warm Dr. Pepper. HAHAHA. Oh well… messes clean up.

So far I have enjoyed: my kids, and unpacking. Oh yea! And this unrelenting heat.  😉 No different from Phoenix actually…maybe a 5 degree difference (a little cooler in Vegas), but right now… hot is HOT any way you look at it.

My schedule is not in place yet because I have been in the “unpack-get settled mode”, but I do count walking upstairs with boxes of books as exercise…so technically, I have been getting my workout on.

Sleep has been decent… which is good. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to sleep and therefore resulting in a nice dose of mania. My energy has increased and I can tell that my body is preparing for the “usual” sleep schedule of Vegas… stay up very late and sleep in late. This was common for me A. because many jobs are night time jobs…and B. because most of my friends work late and therefore do everything very late at night. Want to go bowling?? We are going at 1… am, not pm.  🙂

♥♥♥

With Change Comes… A Schedule??

I have been thinking that perhaps I should be diligent about keeping some sort of “schedule” with the big changes I am making in life.

Schedules of some kind serve everyone well… why? Because “balance” is an important part of every day life and even more important to someone with Bipolar Disorder (manic depression).

Of course… I do not want to be so strict about having things scheduled that if I “miss” something it causes distress. This is not healthy and certainly would not serve me well at all. LOL. I am thinking of something not really rigid but lightly “structured”. Having this light schedule would help me to follow through with some things I would like to do on a daily basis…  for example: exercise. Years ago, exercise use to be my addiction. Not in a bad way… but certainly an addiction. At that time, I would see the Doc for sleep issues and “irritability” and the solution was “exercise”. Literally that is what the Docs said. So… I became a 7 day a week workout-aholic. LOL. It was never about weight. It was simply about boosting my mood and being able to sleep at night.

Over the years, this workout addiction has stuck with me… until the end of 2009. So needless to say, I need to get back into it.

I also believe that having a schedule will also help me to build my “self worth” and help me to readjust into the workforce when I am able to return to working. I must say that this last year with no “structure/schedule” has been difficult on me in various ways and I have had a hard time maintaining any type of structure… this was probably good and bad for me. I needed the time emotionally to heal and to just “be”. But now… I am on a path to growth so I must make changes.

Change # 1- Create a light schedule… included in the schedule: exercise, swimming, writing, reading, chores, and flexibility.  😀

I think I can manage this. ♥

Minutes Are Flying By

Why is time going by incredibly fast right now? I blink and feel like days are passing me instead of seconds.

The last couple weeks have been a blur of activity, yet I have a crystal clear image of the wonderful memories created. 😀

This week has nearly vanished before my eyes! Though it certainly did not vanish… I say it very literally. LOL. Tomorrow I pack up the last of my things and I will spend the next couple nights with my family… then on Sunday, I drive off to Las Vegas to live and spend the next couple years with my 2 oldest children. I am very happy and excited.

While I am excited and happy, I am also a bit sad to leave my family here. These last 15 months have been very huge in my life. Not only were they life saving… they also brought about a-lot of personal growth and a new-found closeness with my family. During these last 15 months I have reconnected with family, strengthened old bonds, and created new ones. I have spent nearly EVERY weekend for 15 months with my family. Perhaps only a day… but seeing them and having them so close to me is something I wish I could pack up and take with me. I tease them that if they packed up and followed me, I could guarantee them that they will not become stagnant and bored because stability has never been my “thang”… LOL.  In all seriousness though… I do hope that one day we will all be able to be near each other again.

When I first moved here in April 2011… I was at my lowest. It took all my strength to keep going each and every day. My family was there for me every step of the way and provided me with all the support they could. Aside from my family, Q has been a shelter from the storm. This man has seen my bad days and my good days and knew from day one what he was up against. If not for him and all my loved ones who have helped me to this point… I don’t know where I would be. They were the light in the darkest tunnel.

“Take a bow…Turn the page.”