Category Archives: Bipolar Disorder

I Just Don’t Get Some People


I am sure by now, you all have heard about the tragic deaths of the two news Anchors Alison Parker and Adam Ward. They were two reporters gunned down during a morning broadcast on live television by a disturbed man named Vester L. Flanagan who previously worked at their place of employment.

Now… what kills me… and I have seen other examples of this that I will mention… what kills me are the people out there who believe it was a hoax. Not only that, but they believe Sandy Hook was fabricated as well… right up there with 9/11… hell, I guess these same individuals probably don’t believe the Holocaust happened.

This disturbs me.

Don’t worry… I have no crazy ideas about taking away American’s rights to firearms… but come on, THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Everyone is out to take away your guns… so you post videos on youtube, or use social media to spread your “Hoax” rumors?? Or claim it is some sort of ploy the government is using to gain support for gun control. Speak to Alison’s parents… her death is VERY real. Speak to Adams fiance he was moving with… he is VERY dead as well.

Now, I do believe we must educate ourselves and never take something for face value. However, saying that their death was a hoax, alongside Sandy Hook and others, for the topic of “gun control”… that is ridiculous. Because we don’t see blood and carnage in the short recording like we do in the movies… it is all of a sudden a hoax?! WOW.

Show a little kindness for these unfortunate people who have died at the hand of a very disturbed individual… offer condolences to their loved ones who now get to live lift without their loved one, all the while listening to the BS of others who will not acknowledge their horrendous loss…

Demonstrate a little compassion…

When the only thing you have to say will be hurtful to countless others, practice silence.

Show some respect


Have a little class.


Am I This Fat and Ugly, or Is It My Hypothyroid?



Years ago, I had a nodule on my right thyroid. Well, actually, I had a nodule on BOTH the right and left of my thyroid… but the right was twice as big, and the concern at that time.

Needless to say, I had to have a fine needle biopsy.

♥ Happily, it was benign. No probelm.♥

A couple years passed, and the nodules grew. Once again, the right side was the concern. Since I was having so many problems with it, I opted for the removal of the right side. My other option was to do another biopsy, and then based on the results, surgery. It had grown significantly… I didn’t want to deal with it anymore… so I chose to go ahead and do the surgery. Take that babay out!!

That turned out to be the best choice. No, it was not cancerous. However, what it was would have been grounds to turn around and perform the surgery to remove it… so I skipped a step, and was a step ahead.

It turned out being a benign “follicular adenoma”… which apparently cannot be ruled “benign” by just a sample provided by the process of “fine needle aspiration”… they needed to see the tumor, and the surrounding tissue, to be able to make a proper diagnosis… to rule out the big C.

So as a whole, I saved myself a “hole”… HAHAHA.

I was told that my left thyroid would step up and function for the right that was removed… and it certainly did. I had ZERO problems with it even years after my surgery. Then, a stupid medication jacked it up… grrrrrrrrr.

I had a series of mental breakdowns, and was put on lithium to battle my bipolar disorder. The combination was actually Lithium, Depakote, and Wellbutrin… with Klonopin to help with panic attacks, overall anxiety, and insomnia. This combo killed my thyroid! Well, at least the Lithium did. }:/    I went into a spiral of depression, and exhaustion… managing to get out of my pajama’s for about 4 hours of the day. My weight packed on in a matter of days…. literally….  I kid you not. I went from 118lbs (my norm on my petite frame), to 155lbs in about a months time, IF that long. Even though that weight packed on quickly and easily, getting it off was a totally different story. It took time… lots of it… and a shit-ton of effort. I see myself going down that path again… as my frame cannot handle this weight. So I have a new issue to handle… my weight… OOOOoooooo, and trust me, I don’t take this lightly. I cannot handle feeling so heavy, feeling so self-conscious, feeling ashamed and avoiding mirrors… and shaking my head at myself in disappointment when I do manage to catch a glimpse of my fat self. ~Sigh~

So since my thyroid has betrayed me… whether on its own, or with the assistance of the psych meds, I do not know… but the results are just the same. After another confirmation blood test, I will happily fill my script! In fact, I will make sure I have a bottle of water on hand so I can take the medicine instantly! Then, hopefully within a month or two, I will get back to my normal size and I will feel better about myself, maybe I will start feeling pretty again…

I hope…

I miss feeling pretty.




©bipolarmuse 2015


Ha! Love this new blog… cracks me up, and I think the writer is possibly disturbed…. just a little…


The Bitch… No its not  a/my bitch. I have multiple firearms but the bitch is my favorite. Along with the only firearm I have named. The Bitch, I thought was a name appropriate moniker to any one or any thing on the business end of her (yes I anthropomorphize a lot, but not of a child like quality). She is my firearm to replace all firearms in my meager arsenal. Short barreled for close quarter encounters, enough round capacities to not worry about vulnerabilities from constant magazine changes. Powerful enough to go the distance and shoot through pretty much anything I need it too without crazy custom rounds. I’ve read arguments against this rifle, mostly made by dried up old dick lickers lacking in experience, leading to even more of a lack of analytical thinking for an all, or when shit hits the fan gun. Once again, I tend to go on long tangents then remember my place…

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“Catch Yourself Complaining”….


“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is.” – The Power of Now Inspiration Cards


I hope that speaks volumes to you as it does to me.

Each “complaint” is resistance to what IS. Resistance causes friction. It is in that, that we fight and find ourselves going against the flow, making every part of life more difficult.

Practice this acceptance of what is each and every day… “watch” our mind, our thoughts, and take note of the complaining, work to stop it from the start… and I truly believe we will become that change that we desperately seek… We will stop resisting our true ‘self’. We will begin to accept what is.

We will find who it is we need… and come to see we were there all along.

Radical acceptance is the key. What do you do if you do not like your situation?? CHANGE IT. ~ If that cannot be done, we must accept it. ~ When we stop resisting, we see how much easier it is to “go with the flow of life”.

Learn to ride those waves, you will find that is a big difference from allowing them to pummel you into the ocean floor.



© bipolarmuse 2015


I have been growing, healing, and some things have changed in importance. I am jumping for joy that this change came about and it wasn’t something I had to think long and hard about… it came totally naturally. I am healing… we are all healing… and I no longer have the need to scream the monsters name from the rooftop… my son has healed. My son is happy. THAT is ALL that is important. ♥

bipolarmuse ♥

For many years I felt the need to name the person responsible for abusing my amazing little boy… I HAD to scream it from the rooftops! Why? Well, partially because it was the only way to heal myself, and partially because I felt like it was the only justice my little boy would ever have. After all, it was this abuser who would sadistically remind me (with a disgusting smirk on his face, sweat drenching his clothes, dripping from his hair, and covering his face and forhead) that NOBODY would believe he hurt a child. Seriously pause and imagine that a moment…….. he literally said this to me several times before the restraining order went into affect, and then I was reminded one last time, with the restraining order in hand…his words, “Nobody will ever believe I hurt a child“.

That was the fuel for my fire.


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I LOVE Kavinace!!

Over the years, I have had issues with sleep. Insomnia was a big issue, then, when the tables get turned, I can sleep 16hours a day easily. I just never know which it is going to be.

Since getting my mania in control check (I initially used the word ‘control’ here, but the one thing I have learned from this disorder is that there is no ‘control’. All I can do is learn from my cues, and try to prevent and minimize future episodes), sleep has consistently been better than in the past with the biggest issue being that once I DO fall asleep, the issue becomes trying to STAY asleep. It is quite common for me to fall asleep easily and then in the next couple hours, I wake up and virtually stay up because I simply cannot fall back to sleep… and if I do, it tends to be hours later.

Well, there is a Podcast I love to listen to called “The Dr. Rob Show” with Dr. Robert Maki who is AMAZING! Since I started following his podcast, I have learned so much information that helps me to live a healthier, happier, balanced life. He is the type of Doctor who doesn’t just spend two minutes with you, scribble on a prescription pad, and shows you the door… he is the type of Doc who takes time with you, really listening to treat his patients, not by “masking” the unwanted symptoms we experience in life, but gets down to the root of the issue and tries to fix it there.

During one of his Podcasts, he spoke of Adrenal Fatigue. (You can read, or listen, this episode HERE.) I did not know anything about it and nearly skipped to another episode, but the symptoms of Adrenal Fatigue stopped me dead in my tracks, and I wound up listening to it several times. Every single one of us probably have these symptoms and just chalk it up to “life”, and not really taking care of ourselves the way we should. I am not going to go into great detail here, so please check it out for yourself… “Dr. Rob- Do I Have Adrenal Fatigue?”

This episode introduces us to several supplements that our bodies need to run optimally. One of these supplements is called Kavinace.

Do you fall asleep, only to find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back to sleep?? Kavinace changes that. However… it is ALSO for stress, anxiousness, and sleep issues. Sounds amazing, right?!

So what is Kavinace??

Kavinace in an amino acid. It supports optimum GABA levels, acts as a “neurotransmitter, inhibiting nerve transmissions in the brain, calming nervous activity”. Considered as a natural tranquilizer. *** “Kavinase is a precursor to GABA. It will convert to GABA while you are sleeping and help keep you asleep all night. Why not take GABA instead? GABA is such a big molecule that it can be hard to absorb. Taking the Kavinase will help absorbance and converts to GABA for a full night sleep”. – Dr. Rob***

What is GABA? Gamma-aminobutyric acid. It is the most important and widespread inhibitory neurotransmitter in the brain… because it is an inhibitor, it inhibits over-stimulation of the brain, resulting in possible relaxation and eases nervous tension. Sounds great doesn’t it?! Using Kavinace in conjunction with Melatonin is ideal. The Melatonin is used to help you fall asleep, and the Kavinace helps to keep you asleep.

It is not a cure-all… and it is possible that it doesn’t work for everyone. Personally, I was completely skeptical… especially because Melatonin has never helped me to sleep. After talking to my boyfriend about it, and doing some research, we decided to give it a try… in fact, we bought all of the supplements recommended for ‘Adrenal Fatigue”. Our results have been great… a noticeable positive change.

Of course, I never put much thought into the Kavinace actually working because I have tried soooooo many remedy’s that were suppose to help. I have tried both “natural” and prescribed medication, and I have not had great results, at least not great enough to mention them here in ‘Bipolarmuse-ville”.  Both myself and my boyfriend noticed that we were sleeping better than we had in a very long time… we were loving it! And oddly, we never attributed it to any one supplement, we just didn’t over analyze it… it simply was what it was. Then…

For a whole month, I took 1-2 Kavinace just before bed, along with the Melatonin. I took no other medications or supplements for sleep. I didn’t notice any drowsiness, nor did I feel like I “took” something, and I took it within 15minutes before bed… I did not take it and then wait a couple hours. My boyfriend did this as well.

My results?? I noticed that I wasn’t waking up throughout the night as I normally did. Normally, I fall asleep, and then somewhere around 2AM, I will roll over and it wakes me just enough where I will start thinking of something for the following day… next thing I know, I can’t fall back to sleep. But that stopped. I actually went to bed, fell asleep quickly, and stayed asleep! If I did wake up, I would doze back off very quickly. In fact, it got to the point where I would lay my head on the pillow, and then the next time my eyes opened, it was to the alarm going off.

SAY WHAT?! Yes, you read that correctly.

How do I know it was the Kavinace? Well, unfortunately my boyfriend and I were not on the ball and we ran out of the supplement… I didn’t really think anything of it because I wasn’t acknowledging that the reasons we were sleeping well was because of it… I have tried so many things with zero results so I was very skeptical that this would work. We went to bed as we normally do… fell asleep fast… and then somewhere around 2AM, we were both very awake and unable to go back to sleep, and once we did, the alarm went off. GRRRRRRRRrrrrr. So frustrating! What sucks even worse is that I am anxiously awaiting the package from Amazon with my new sleeping elixir. I have not had it for 4 days now and I am insanely frustrated and want sleep!

I am so amazed over how well the Kavinace worked for me, and also for my boyfriend. It is now going to be a staple in my supplements. Give it a whirl and see if it works for you!

©bipolarmuse 2015

** I am not a Doctor! Before taking ANY medication or supplement, contact a Doctor or Pharmacist to ensure that it is safe for you. Be smart. Be safe.

Psycho-Babble Self-Help Books Amuse the Muse


I crack myself up.

I love books… I ESPECIALLY love psychology books and love to buy new ones any chance that I get. I can spend hours in my local bookstores, literally sitting in the aisles with several books sprawled out in front of me like they are auditioning… I read through them, choosing random pages, and I often will buy them all. As you can imagine, that gets very expensive! At one point I had to limit myself because spending 100$ a week on books is not a good idea when you barely have money to spend. So I reasoned with myself that I could buy one book a month… and the other 5 I think I need, I borrow from the library. 🙂 The plan was a success!

So here I am at home, bored with what is on Netflix. I think of all my awesome books and I rummage through the shelves until I am satisfied with the ones in my grasp. I sit down with them and ambitiously scour through them, looking for whatever may pertain to me in this moment… big or small.

Within minutes, my desire to psycho-analyze myself has passed and I am once again participating in life… the stack of books sitting here, notes scribbled about, collecting dust. I never want to put them away, because I could certainly need them in a quick moment and should have them within reach… right?


That is how I roll.

©bipolarmuse 2015