“…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley


morleyquote

I have made posts before where I mention the connection between “madness” being hand in hand with mood disorders, and artistic talents.

Granted, not everyone who is Bipolar has talents like that… many cannot hold a tune when it comes to singing, cannot play musical instruments, cannot write music or poetry… I am sure you get my point here.

In my case, I was lucky enough to have talent when it comes to singing and writing. I do not have an amazing voice, but I can hold a tune. I also loved music… passionately!! I would spend hours upon hours memorizing songs to sing… singing into my Karaoke machine… writing new songs… I was a total homebody, often in my own fantasy world, writing music and songs hour after hour, day after day. It was my happy place.

I tend to write more when I am mentally ‘unwell’. I am not sure why that happens to be the case, but it is. I can totally see the pattern. My ‘muses’ tend to be in a love affair with my ‘madness’. Am I out of my mind, in a corner, drooling on myself?? Or in 4 day old clothes, standing on a busy corner, screaming to anyone who looks at me about Gods love, and the imminent ‘end of the world’? No. Fortunately, that is not my “type” of madness.

Mine is subtle. Mine can be mute. Mine can be woven intricately with my core beliefs, my personal reality. Taunting me. Causing me to question my most personal thoughts, tainting my positivity with some sort of doubt. My madness plays a psychological chess mind fuck with ‘me’. But I am privy to its ways. I am not always in control of it, but I am Master over it, and I will always win… no matter the war it inflicts upon me, no matter what it does to TRY and destroy me… it won’t. It cannot.

I will ALWAYS win. ♥

©bipolarmuse 2015

9 thoughts on ““…keep ajar the door that leads into madness…”~ Christopher Morley”

  1. CHANGE OF MIND

    I have often flirted with madness
    Though she has never found me worthy of a serious relationship
    Perhaps it’s my mind or something

    I’ve considered changing my mind to see if that helps
    And in fact I am planning to change it some day soon
    Or one of these days anyway

    I have the mind I have in mind
    Saved in my shopping basket on the internet
    In the “Saved Items” box

    I’m just waiting for the price to come down
    To a level I feel is reasonable
    Given that there’s postage on top

    https://bennaga.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/change-of-mind/

    Liked by 3 people

  2. My mind plays games around the clock. Never know when an attack of madness will come. Sometimes raging out of nowhere and returning just as quickly, like the wind without a storm in sight but still dangerous. I create most of the times when the madness hits. My Muse loves to use the pain or fear to bring the words to my attention. It is sometimes the best times to work. I prefer when my imagination is somehow disconnected from the crazy-ness but even then the manic steps in & drains our energy until we record every notion coming through the channels of my mind.

    What an inspiring post.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It has been a mind field lately. Tonight I just lost it over nothing. Then went quiet. Wouldn’t even participate in playing Jeopardy, which is a regular weeknight event. Nothing. Starting slipping into a depression after being manic for some time. I feel ok now. Watching myself. Making sure I don’t stay up past my regular time for sleep around 2am. The other night I was up past 5am doing a project I started at 11pm the night before. I couldn’t stop no matter that I was wiped out. It’s a simple thing at the moment to explain what’s happening. My therapist just had surgery and I won’t be seeing her for indefinite amount of time. She is the only one who helps keep me balanced. Her and Medical Marijuana. The MMJ helps the tension but the Compulsive Obsessive Behavior of once I start something I cannot stop until I am finished with the level I have chosen to work on. It’s insane.

        I hope you don’t mind I released all this on you. Your rapid cycling sound like mine, too. It’s like having whiplash it’s so fast. My partner is so patient with me but G…Damned, it would really piss me off if I were her. Bipolar is great for creativity but a real mother… when it comes to almost everything else, except hugging our cats and my parrot Saki. 🙂 In Bipolar-hood! jk

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I love your comments… you ALWAYS manage to put a smile on my face. 🙂 Does the medical Mary Jane work for you? I am thinking of giving it a try to see if it can help me rather than the lab meds. I need help in two areas though… 1. I need something to help productivity. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed 99% of the time. If I take energy crap, I get shakes, sick to my tummy, and then usually difficulty falling alseep. 2. Need something to help my anxiousness. Do you think it could help in those areas?? I imagine edible would be the way I would utilize it as I am not a smoker. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts about it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. All of the needs you mention I use Medical Marijuana for. Pain, Anxiety, Moods, Depression, Nausea, Creativity, Energy, Panic Attacks, Relaxation, Sleep. I get relief from smoking almost right a way on certain things and others it helps to relax and breath &/or meditate through while you consume in whatever means you use. Edibles are extremely hard to control the amount. MED Mj is really pure and it takes one hit and wait till you take the second. Especially if you are not sure how you will react. Constant use will mean you may need two hits, maybe three. When I say hits, you might want to look in to Vapor Smoking. No burning of the weed. I have thought about that but I smoke it carefully so I don’t take too much in an inhale otherwise I cough. What I have access to is pretty smooth. Very little coughing at all. I do understand the smoking but I use to smoke pot and cigarettes before.

        This stuff works for all sorts of ailments. I get cramps & with one or two hits and laying back on the day bed, within five minutes the cramps are gone. It is not perfect if one’s bipolar isn’t monitored. Like remembering to rest, When manic remember to smoke the right pot. There is Sativa – HIGH ENERGY Mental acuity/clarity & there is Indica – Mellow body high Relaxation. The hybrids have some great blends. You want the right level of THC and Cannibanoids. Sativa is for day time & mental high [great for writing & other mental activity, while Indica is for the body & mellowing out, Sativa for on the go. Indica for kicking back and enjoy music or a film. When mixed certain ways that is when you figure out the healing elements and what is for what. Pot is for healing. With Bipolar the problem is to remember that you have to follow the med usage like you would the stuff you would get from the pharma. You need to be just as vigilante. Test out what works for you. Experiment with what works best for you and when and for what. It is workable. My Bipolar is more in order than our of order. Presently being without my therapist is really spinning me around. I need therapy to help with the balancing act to work. Sleep is essential too. You feel much better after you get enough. It’s all a combination. I cannot handle reality without my Medical MJ & therapy & all the creative things I do, My writing is a savior. I’m not saying it won’t help but you have to work with it and keep a watch on what you are doing and remember to use it. It Works. I have a bad habit of being absentminded. I forget to use what I need unless reminded. I need to concentrate on the things that heal me and not get carried away with things that can get me out of control. Marijuana calms me down & can also psyche me up. I like the way it makes me feel , I don’t know how I lived without it for 14 years. I must have been out of my mind to stop using it. One thing I will tell you is MJ will make you feel good when you need to feel good or to feel better. YOU NEED TO GET SOME MEDICAL MARIJUANA. I know of a site online with a list of things MJ helps heal. It is a cure for some cancers. But I don’t know the specifics of that treatment. It’s a medicine that needs research done on it but the government does not want to fund it or want it done.

        Let’s talk more about this. You are in Nevada. I thought you were. Is it legal there? I believe it is or is going to be. You need a doctor who will help you get a license to purchase and possess MJ. Soon it will be legal everywhere. It’s all a matter of the government in WASH DC gaining their sanity that the war on Drugs is & should be OVER. Good luck. Ask me anything. I’ve learned a lot treating my own Bipolar without Psych Meds for almost or about 4 years now.

        Let me know what you think.

        Good Luck. Sleep was a big thing for me not getting any. Pot solved the problem pretty much completely. Anxiety, same thing. When I use the Pot. It’s all about using the Pot and not justifying using the Pot. I need it so I need to remember it is alright to use it. I should not worry about using Pot to make me feel better. And damn it is fucking alright to get high too.

        jk 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am using a Vape Pen now so there is no smoke just vapor. Got a new assortment of Medical MJ last week. So getting use to it. Love Hash Heaven aka Heavenly Hash. One of the hybrids is for sleep. First time use, I slept the soundest sleep I’ve had in ages.

    Still without a therapist. Got ticked off with person my therapist suggested I talk to while she is gone. That recently backfired when she decided she was going to do my Treatment Plan. She totally mis-represented everything I trusted sharing with her. After writing a response to what she thought I needed to do in therapy BS, I had a major Panic Attack and cut off any connection with her. Now I am panicking even more. No word as to when my therapist is returning. I refuse to sign any Treatment Plan. Now I feel I have screwed it all up. It is going on four (4) months without therapy. In the past 25 years the longest I ever went without therapy was during my therapists 2 month summer vacations. This is driving me mad. My answer is to throw myself into writing and painting. I participate in a Haiku Challenge weekly and I created my own writing prompt challenges happening once a week.

    Now that I have gone on. I want to ask you how everything is. You were in Love last I heard in your writing. How is that going? I hope it is Great. I look for your posts but don’t find them very often. Miss your writing. Thanks for your like on my comment. It brought me here today. It is good to have contact with you. I follow a fellow follower Ben Naga. He is fabulous. He has become a great friend. We play Haiku tag and enjoy each other as friends.

    Well, I was in the middle of putting together a rant for a new post on a new blog my s/o Shawn and I have just created. It is called: Off The Rails – Track 451. The LINK is: https://offtherailstrack451.wordpress.com/ When you have a chance check it out. It is going to be radical as one can get. Self explanatory once you see the site.

    Better go. Want to work on a painting I started the other day. It is to go with a poem I finished writing a few days ago about LOSS.

    Love ❤ jk-tsk

    Like

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