“Catch Yourself Complaining”….

GoWithFlow

“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is.” – The Power of Now Inspiration Cards

WOW.

I hope that speaks volumes to you as it does to me.

Each “complaint” is resistance to what IS. Resistance causes friction. It is in that, that we fight and find ourselves going against the flow, making every part of life more difficult.

Practice this acceptance of what is each and every day… “watch” our mind, our thoughts, and take note of the complaining, work to stop it from the start… and I truly believe we will become that change that we desperately seek… We will stop resisting our true ‘self’. We will begin to accept what is.

We will find who it is we need… and come to see we were there all along.

Radical acceptance is the key. What do you do if you do not like your situation?? CHANGE IT. ~ If that cannot be done, we must accept it. ~ When we stop resisting, we see how much easier it is to “go with the flow of life”.

Learn to ride those waves, you will find that is a big difference from allowing them to pummel you into the ocean floor.

Ride.

Thrive.

© bipolarmuse 2015

Who??

I have been growing, healing, and some things have changed in importance. I am jumping for joy that this change came about and it wasn’t something I had to think long and hard about… it came totally naturally. I am healing… we are all healing… and I no longer have the need to scream the monsters name from the rooftop… my son has healed. My son is happy. THAT is ALL that is important. ♥

bipolarmuse ♥

For many years I felt the need to name the person responsible for abusing my amazing little boy… I HAD to scream it from the rooftops! Why? Well, partially because it was the only way to heal myself, and partially because I felt like it was the only justice my little boy would ever have. After all, it was this abuser who would sadistically remind me (with a disgusting smirk on his face, sweat drenching his clothes, dripping from his hair, and covering his face and forhead) that NOBODY would believe he hurt a child. Seriously pause and imagine that a moment…….. he literally said this to me several times before the restraining order went into affect, and then I was reminded one last time, with the restraining order in hand…his words, “Nobody will ever believe I hurt a child“.

That was the fuel for my fire.

It…

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The Silent Treatment Explained

What is the silent treatment, and just as important, what isn’t the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is intentional. It is a refusal to speak to someone, and/or refusal to acknowledge someone in any way or form. It is ignoring someone completely… ignoring someone to the point that they no longer exist to the person inflicting the silent treatment. They completely shut down any and all communication. No reply to phone calls, nor to texts, no emails, and if for some reason you and the person dishing out the silent treatment are in the same room together (say at a birthday party, etc), they act as though you are not there, no acknowledgment whatsoever, you are totally invisible. You are dead to them.

Do not confuse this with taking time to “cool off” after an argument or disagreement. A “cool off” period is smart when it comes to effective communication. Perhaps your S.O. said, or did, something that has you so incredibly hurt and upset… addressing the issue right then and there may not be the best choice because often times, hurtful things are said in the “heat of the moment”, and our words can do severe damage. They can “cut like a knife”. So keep this in mind as you read this over… a “cooling off” period is totally different, it is not the same as the silent treatment in any way, shape, or form.

Silent treatment is ABUSE.

I was surprised to learn as I did research, that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. Then again, I was surprised with myself that I never put two and two together and realize that from the get-go. Perhaps because it was used on me quite often from people I really cared most about… maybe that blinded me to that fact for a moment… it isn’t a blatant attack physically, nor verbally… Now I totally see it for what it is. It is manipulative, it is controlling, it is passive aggressive, it’s a punishment, it is dis-empowering… and to quote psych-central, it is a “favorite tactic of narcissists, or others with impulse control, ie…those with more infantile tendencies”.

To punish?? Yes. The silent treatment is used in punishment. In everyday life, we use it with our children daily, especially when they are young. Under this premise, we call it “Time Out”. Until I was doing research for this post, I never put the two together… but now, it hurts my heart to know that I used this with my children. I began this cycle, though well intended. I must remind myself that it was used only when absolutely needed, and never for lengths of time that were inappropriate. I always used their age as the guide. 3yrs old = 3 minutes. In this way, it is beneficial and that is how we correct unwanted behaviors. Used properly, it is very effective for most, and when used in the correct manner, for an appropriate amount of time, we see good results. It is when it is taken to the extreme, when a child is left with their nose in the corner, not for five minutes, but for an entire shift at work during the graveyard shift, that it is damaging… it then becomes (alongside stupid young parenting) abuse. ~ Yes, that last sentence is one of personal experience. It was not abuse, intentional… but rather a stupid young Dad with a drug problem who put his young daughter into the corner for sneakily putting peas from the t.v. dinner into the garbage. It was intended to be a “time-out” for only 5 minutes. Since he was high, high as a downer can get you, those 5 minutes continued on until my Mom got home from her shift at work. I remember standing there and looking over at him, unable to tell if he was awake or sleeping… listening to Mash playing on the t.v. When my Momma got home, she took care of me and put me to bed, she and my Dad fought of course, and that never happened again. In fact, I don’t have any memories of being home alone with him as a small child. My Momma saved me. ~

Again, we see it used  in a more extreme manner with inmates within the prison system… of course it is under a different name… as “solitary confinement”. However, there is a great deal of controversy over whether or not solitary confinement works… especially when it is used for long periods of time. It seems that the longer someone is locked away (away from interaction with others, and confined to a room/cage with only 1 hour out of that room for exercise) and treated as animals in a cage, the more these individuals act out… the more they become less “human”, and more like a wild animal. We tend to act out the way we are treated. Treat humans like animals, caging them and poking them with a stick… don’t be surprised by the end result, you get back what you create, an animal.

How to react to the silent treatment??

How to change this behavior??

How to communicate in an effective manner??

It my next article about the silent treatment, I will address these questions.

I look forward to your comments, your experiences… please share them here or feel free to email me. You can contact me at: Contact Bipolarmuse

 

©bipolarmuse 2015

 

 

The Silent Treatment

In my younger years, I had to deal with the silent treatment all the time. My first “love” used it all the time… and now that we are nearly 40 and not 16, sad to say, he still uses it. This is probably the MAIN reason he is no longer my “love”. I have never even contemplated it as a blog post because it is no longer an issue I deal with in my life… but, I am a bit mistaken.

He (Mr. Silent Treatment) and I have children together… two very grown children. They are now 20, and 19yrs of age and are embarking on their own lives, attending school, working, just living and figuring it out as they go along.

Well, the silent treatment has found its way back into my life… courtesy of my “adult” daughter. So I decided to do some research about it to try to combat this issue and get communication flowing again. What I am learning has shocked me and I have to say that it makes complete sense… though I am still at a loss over how to “fix” this.

So, to keep these posts from becoming novels, I will break it up into two, or three posts. So stay tuned!

If you are someone who uses the silent treatment… please know that this is extremely hurtful, and it is very damaging. It is NOT effective communication. If you are using this to “punish” someone, it will have a bad ending… maybe not today, maybe not in a couple months, but it will. And you will have nobody to blame but yourself.