2015 Out Of The Darkness

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This next year will be a great year, and I look forward to the walk for suicide prevention and education.

Out Of The Darkness walks are coordinated in different cities and college campus’s across the nation. It is the opportunity to bring awareness to mental health disorders. To educate. To remember those lost.

You can register as an individual, or, and what I would like to do, you can join or start a team. I am considering registering as bipolarmuse and recruiting team members to share this experience with me. Wouldn’t that rock?! In order to do that, I would need ten team members. Each team member would need to collect 150$ in donations to get a free T-shirt… And if we get 1000$ in donations collectively, our team name will be printed on our T-shirts. Hmmmm… I believe I understood and explained that correctly, and if not, I will certainly make an update with the correct info.

Will you be planing to participate in your local area??

Anyone in the Henderson/Las Vegas area who wants to participate? Be sure to let me know if you are interested, I would be honored to walk with you!

❤️muse

Whoopsies!!!

My computer has almost flown out the window a couple times recently… to meet the hard pavement below and shatter into bunches of pieces!! Then I would happily go downstairs and beat the shit out of whatever remained of it with a hammer from my garage…

Am I frustrated much?? YES!

We recently “upgraded” our modem to a much “faster, newer, BETTER model”, and it has been HELL ever since.

After spending a lot of time writing my last post, (of which you have NOT seen yet, because of this piece of shit modem… -this post will explain-…) I decided to go ahead and post it. As I normally do, before clicking “publish”, I selected all the text and “copied” it. I do this to prevent losing my work in the event it gets screwed up and doesn’t actually post to my blog.

I am safe and won’t lose my work, right??

WRONG

My computer actually shutdown, which is my fault because I ignored its notifications, so I simply plugged it back in and booted it up. I got back into WordPress and low and behold, the post did NOT in fact, post. I smile to myself because I had saved it for this exact purpose… I am in the clear… or am I??

NOPE, I sufficiently screwed myself.

For reasons unknown to me… when I “copied” my text, it did not actually copy. I have no clue why. So when the computer turned off and I booted it back up, I lost it all.

So now I gotta get it together and write it again. Yay! (Sarcasm noted…)

On a side note… I got my Wii on the way!!! Woot Woot! I enjoy the wii for some exercise time, and time to spend with my man. We enjoy playing games together… so I know this will be good for us to have to enjoy with each other. 🙂 For some “us” time. A little golf on the Wii, along with a lil wine… ahhhhhhhh yes, fun times to come! I will indeed post and share the fun…

I hope you all are enjoying your Christmas season… hold your loved ones close and never pass the chance to let them know you love them… NEVER pass that up. ♥

Counter-Dependency Post 3— This Is Gonna Take Forever!!

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LOL! Yes, this is going to take forever!!

I am kind of losing my excitement for this book, “The Flight From Intimacy” about counter-dependency because it is going over the different stages we ALL go through as toddlers… yes, as itty bitty babies… and I feel weighed down with this information. It is interesting… however what interests me more is that I want to get busy working on ME. I don’t want to feel as though I am taking a refresher course in psychology… which I find interesting that I am annoyed with seeing that psychology is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE subject in the world. But I want to get to the nitty-gritty and start working on me.

So what to do??

I am just going to skim over this info and then will dive right into the more interesting “helpful” parts of this book.

I do find it very interesting though that if we do not “complete” a certain step as little ones, like proper “separation” from our parents (not in a literal way, but mentally), we will continue these patterns in our relationships as adults, attempting to complete what we missed as we developed the first few years of life. Isn’t that crazy to think of??

Up to 24 months of age, this time is critical in completing your psychological birth. During that time you made the decision to become a separate entity (emotionally) from your Mom or you stayed co-dependent.

HOWEVER…

IF you experienced abuse emotionally, physically, sexually, or experienced neglect…. you could have decided oneness and closeness was scary and not safe. In order to protect yourself you may have separated emotionally and developed more counter-dependent behaviors… Like walling off your feelings, utilizing defensive behaviors to push people away, and of course, you created a false “Self” that showed you were strong, capable, and not in need of anyone. You may have developed an inflated importance… in this way, you would not need to show anyone your vulnerability and wounds.
I think this is where I may have become stuck… what can I do to fix this???

I will need to re-parent myself. Our psychological birth is insanely important… time to be re-born.

©bipolarmuse 2014

A New Thought ~ Counter-Dependence

Counter-Dependence Post 1

Counter-Dependence Post 2

My Medicare Hates Me

I was very lucky when it came down to applying for Social Security Disability. I waited as long as I could before filing… I didn’t want to apply for it until I truly needed it to survive… and when it finally got to that point, I had to rely on family to help me through it. I believe I have written about it before, but if not, I will post my experience soon.

Then, what sucked WORSE than needing it in the first place was that after being approved, I had to wait a full year for Medicare. Can you say, “Are you serious”? I tripped out and frantically asked my case worker what I was suppose to do for a year with mental health issues and no other insurance… I NEEDED the medicare in a bad way.

Guess what she said??? Drum roll please…. “Go to the emergency room.” HUH?? If any of you have visited the emergency for mental health issues, you know that they do not prescribe psychotropics and they give out handouts about “sliding fee” psychs, but you learn quickly that as much as we like to think it is that easy, it is not. Every number I called was either out of service, or it was inaccurate information. It is worthless…

So, for a year I waited. I still needed to rely on others for help because my entire disability check was going to “out of pocket” medical expenses, including my prescriptions.

Once my Medicare kicked in, it was a God-send (even if for just a moment). Then, it got bad… really bad. My Doctors started dropping Medicare, no longer accepting assignment. AND, every Doctor that they tried referring me to, well, they also were dropping Medicare. I don’t live in a small town. I live in a very busy, highly active city… a 24 hour type of place… and I can’t find a doctor to treat me… not an MD, and of course, no Psychs. This is completely ridiculous.

I am stuck in this revolving door. Now that I have medical insurance, the Doctors out there are refusing to take Medicare any longer. Why?? Well, I don’t know if what I am going to say is completely true, but it is true in my situation…

Medicare SUCKS.

When a medical office tells me they no longer accept Medicare Assignment, I ask to speak to someone in the billing office… or someone in the “prior auth” department… so I can speak to them to figure out what my options are. What is the consensus?? In short, Medicare is failing me. 😦 This is totally unacceptable. I think of all the elderly patients who struggle to afford their medical care… often cutting their prescriptions doses to help with their costs… or not using their air conditioning in the summer, nor their heater in the winter, resulting in serious problems, and the worst of course, death. It is disgusting to think of all these people who struggle and can’t get the care they worked hard for, and they have to make serious cutbacks just to survive. This is tremendously heartbreaking.

I am told that many offices are dropping Medicare because Medicare is not paying. They are notorious for taking a very long time to reimburse the physicians, and when they do, of course it is at a fraction of the cost. They make it incredibly difficult for the Doctors to submit payment, often refusing because they somehow did not file the appropriate paper work, diagnosis codes, or somehow missed a step that Medicare requires of them. It isn’t because they are incompetent, it is because Medicare makes them jump through so many hoops, hoops on fire, and claims get rejected. Then more man-hours are spent correcting the mistakes and resubmitting for payment. Often not receiving payment for months and months, and sometimes, years.

I also learned that Medicare often will come back and claim that patients were “over-billed”, therefor causing Medicare to “over-pay”, and years after the fact, they come back and inform the Doctor that they over paid by 2$ and want the 2$ back, only now it is 200$ because of interest and penalties and if they don’t pay up in a short amount of time, Medicare threatens a lawsuit.

I have been completely disappointed and at a loss. I cannot get additional insurance through the marketplace, so I feel stuck. I had Medicare Original to start and I chose it because it is basically a PPO, and I could choose any doctor I wanted as long as they accepted assignment. Well, that didn’t go so well… so I just changed it (which can only be done one time a year during open enrollment). I went online and compared the Medicare Advantage Plans and chose a Humana PPO in hopes that I will have more options for physicians and specialty practices.

I am nervous and hoping it isn’t any worse than it is right now… and considering I have to pay quite a bit more for this plan, it better be an improvement.

I am staying positive about it, and I will keep you posted on how things go.

©bipolarmuse 2014

Why Am I “Losing Time”… I Certainly Don’t Have Much To Spare

Have you ever lost time?

Seems like a crazy question, doesn’t it?

Over the years, I have noticed “gaps” in time where I do not remember certain time frames, and certain events. Obviously this is my brains way of coping and surviving trauma, but what really ticks me off is that if it is going to happen, make it count and help me “lose” all the horrible life experiences that have taken their toll on my life and still cause my pain today. Stupid brain, get with it!!

What I am concerned with is that over the last few years, I am noticing those “gaps” in time, but now, others notice my time gaps as well.

We all might forget what we ate for breakfast, or what time a dinner party begins… but it is something different entirely when you don’t recall movies watched in a theater and at home. I am not talking about “forgetting” I watched a certain movie, plopping it into the DVD, and then realizing I did indeed watch it, I just forgot the name of it. No, I am not talking about something as simple as that.

What I am talking about is moments totally GONE. I repeat GONE. Asking my boyfriend to play the trailer to a movie I want to see, and then lovingly informed I had already watched it. I deny it and have him play the movie trailer anyways, and as I am watching it, it looks like a brand new movie I have NEVER seen. Again, I am told I have seen it and that, as a matter of fact, we had watched it at the movie theater down the street from our house less than two weeks ago.

No, he has to be wrong. I would certainly remember a zombie movie with Brad Pitt in it…. wouldn’t I??

You would think that at some point when re-watching the movie I “have already seen”, that I would recognize something, anything, during the nearly 2 hours of productions right? Yet, NOPE. I recall absolutely nothing other than stating 3 weeks ago that I wanted to see that movie.

One such movie was a kids movie… which my boyfriend would never watch on his own cause it isn’t his thing… and he swore up and down that we already watched it. I told him he had to be mistaken and that I had been wanting to see it for quite some time so I would certainly remember watching it. I turn it on and as a certain scene comes up, my boyfriend tells me what is coming up and even proceeds to tell me of the comment I had made during that particular scene in the movie. None of this is familiar at all… not even a fleeting moment of dejavu… it is as though I am watching it for the first time.

This type of “lost time” is quite scary to me. I don’t understand why it happens, I don’t know if something specific triggers it or if it just comes and goes as it wants.

I also get a weird feeling from time to time… and this TERRIFIES me… where I will be shopping or something, and I will glance up and look around, with panic creeping up quickly because I do not “recognize” where I am at. It only lasts for a moment or so and then I start calming down. Why does this happen??

I understand when I lose time over a time frame or a horrible past moment… that makes sense… I know my brain can’t cope, so it resorts to that in order to survive… but why in the world would I lose time during normal day to day living that is not traumatic in any way. It always feels “tragic” without my children, but it isn’t painfully traumatic, mournfully traumatic… just tragic because I do not want to live without them with me, but I am forced to do so.

So why is this happening?

I have ruled out medications, leaving pretty much nothing else to question. Are these early signs of Alzheimer’s or Dementia?

Oh my gosh, I hope not… I am not even 40 yet…

Counter-Dependence Series Post 2- I never was super woman…

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Just so you are aware, everything I mention here, unless otherwise noted, is geared for adults and not for children.*

What I found crazy interesting is this statement in the book “The Flight From Intimacy”- “People with counter-dependent behaviors also have a sense that they are not ‘whole’ without the help of someone else… however, they try to hide this fact from others so they can appear as if they really don’t need other people.”

I am super woman, remember?? I don’t need anyone. I can drive myself to the hospital with baby bag in hand, a camera and cell phone in the other, ready to give birth to my 4th child. Yep, I can do it all alone. After giving birth, without any drugs because I am super woman and don’t need them, I happily kept my baby girl in my hospital room overnight, refusing help from the nurses, because I am superwoman, and then the next morning, I dress myself, my 1 day old baby girl, put her into her infant carrier, and (with snow and ice falling the night before) I walk us to the car parked in guest parking and I drive us home in freezing temperatures… I NEED NOBODY.

I FUCKING LIED…

And my sick brain knew it… and punished me severely for it.

Yes, I am telling you the truth. My husband at the time was deployed to the Middle East when I was 37 weeks pregnant. I was alone in a new state with no family, and hardly a friend. I had myself, and I would not let us down… and I do have to say that I did do an amazing job… my Mommy instincts took over, and even though my mind was slowly unraveling, it did not fail me where it mattered most~taking care of my babies.

I did myself a disservice though by pretending to be so strong, because the truth was, I wasn’t at all. I truly believed I didn’t need a soul, but fooling myself was no easy task and after a short time, my world fell apart. I destroyed what I wanted the most… my family.

Now I have 20/20 vision and can clearly see what I should have done at that time, yet it does me no good… I can’t have back what I lost, all I can do is observe my self and make changes in my life daily to mend the broken Muse.

©bipolarmuse 2014

Read more on this new series on Counter Dependency- Post 1 Introduction