Times Defining Moments


The mental pain is becoming worse with each day that passes. I am back to being tearful daily and I have to work so hard to try to remain present… to chase those thoughts that crush me from my mind.

That heaviness in my chest is little by little stealing my breath… my breath that wreaks ” the stench of regret”.  For a long time there was a single defining moment in my life… B’s suicide. Life became a “before” and “after” of that traumatic experience… nothing could touch the destruction of my mind and my heart… nothing felt nearly as painful, nothing compared to the agony. His suicide stole my happiness, stole my hope, killed my spirit.

Now I have noticed that life has given me a 2nd single defining moment in time… “before” and “after” destroying my life a second time including the abuse my son suffered by a monsters hand… “before” and after my breakdown… “before” and “after” 2009. It is sad that time holds me prisoner to the heartache.

I have been struggling alot lately. My mind is going a million miles an hour… and my only relief comes in the form of sleep. I am very grateful that the medications I am on help to knock me out day in and day out. Sometimes it becomes so exhausting that I sleep all day… and then all night. My dreams can haunt me at times, but for the most part… it is relief. ~sigh~

The struggle is tough…

I was lucky that for a time there I was able to get rid of one of my psych meds, but that was short lived and I am now back on that medication. I feel like a druggie… living life under the veil of medication. But I must do it to live. I haven’t a choice in the matter and it is something I just need to get over. Just because I have to take it does not mean I am weak, or a failure. It just is what it is… and who is keeping score anyways.

It just is.

11 thoughts on “Times Defining Moments”

  1. it is not weakness or failure muse. it never has been that. you are a lot stronger than ya give yourself credit for. I’ve been there and know all about it…. I feel ya muse. sendin ya virtual hug in hopes things return to a sense of goodness.

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  2. I have no experience with your situation, however upon reading this blog I feel your pain! I have four children, and a past, and it hurts to feel other peoples pain. I would like to say in response to your situation, is try to be the change you need to have, change everything to suit yourself for your wellbeing and for those who matter most, change your environment, your medication, change your whole world if necessary, and surprise yourself with what you really can do. You are excused for thinking who is this guy offering me advice who has no experience with these matters? and what are his qualifications? well I am just a father of four children who has learned from experience, who has some spare love to give, that is all.
    Sincerely,
    David. L

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much David L … I do appreciate the advice you give here. I think change is wonderful, I just hate when the change leads me down the same dark road I have been down before… but I guess in reality, I can change that it varying ways to prevent from feeling like that. 🙂 You have my brain thinking and this is definitely advice I can take to heart and switch things around to make the changes work for me. I appreciate your comment very much. ♥

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  3. Hello, Muse.
    I was hoping when I saw he little heart by the post title this was all a re-post. I know it is in part a memorial.
    I hate the darkness is coming to visit you again. My heart bleeds for you.
    I have thought of you so often…I had a mess up with email, and my contact list got all mixed up and couldn’t reach out and check on you. Please do not think that means I don’t care, and haven’t had you in my heart.

    David does give good advice. It is hard, but it is good.

    I have started practicing mindfulness…meditation and a way of life…it’s a simple concept but not so simple to do. However, it has changed my life. It is the best thing I’ve ever done for me. I am off of some of my psych meds now. (not saying it will do the same for others.) I’m off a number of my chronic illness meds too. (again, not saying it would do that same for others) Mindfulness, helps me live in this moment. Accept things as they are now. I can’t change the past, I can’t predict the future, and let’s face it, I can’t really change it either. The only time I really have, is now. I try to make the most out of each moment….but when the moment is so hard, I keep thinking, I can handle anything for a moment.
    and I take solace and joy in knowing. life is impermanent. Nothing stays the same.

    I know I’m not saying anything really that helps right now. Perhaps knowing that there is a light out there that is loving you…and reaching out. Know you can always reach out to me.
    I’m here. You’ll have my email when I sign out. use it when ever you like.

    I’ve been going through a very turbulent time in my life right now, I’m amazed I haven’t been curled up in a corner or in a hospital. We all need people who understand to reach out to. We need something to lean on in the rough times.

    There is light.
    love to you Muse.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Wendy! I always love hearing from you. 🙂
      Isn’t mindfulness amazing?! If you haven’t already, check out the book Full Catastrophe Living… It is amazing and is a guide for a workshop the author runs for people who need to manage the stress in their lives and of course, it is mindful based and written my Jon Kabbit Zin (if I spelled that right, lol). The book is amazing. I also use a mindful based “workbook” and often do the activities it suggests inside… both of these have helped tremendously. 🙂
      Much love to you my friend. xo

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      1. ahh…so funny you mention Jon Kabat-Ziinn…I read him often and have the book Full Catastrophe Living. There is a free version of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction workshop on line that I found, if you are interested you can find it here. http://palousemindfulness.com/selfguidedMBSR.html

        I have kind of fallen off my mindfulness studies and really need to get back to it. I have been having a very hard time with my vertigo and it is pushing me into despair. I can’t seem to stay in the moment. It is just too much…I can’t stop my mind from thinking, this is not going to stop. I’m going to be like this forever. It is just too hard. I’m scared.

        So I have to start practicing much more. I have to dig myself out of this place I am heading. I have to grasp on to my self preservation before I take a nose dive into the darkest pits of hell. So now I’m really focusing on all my best self love.

        I hope you are doing better. Which workbook do you have? I’d like to check it out. much love to you to my friend. xoxo

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