Ways To Cope

Having Bipolar Disorder and co-morbid piggy backers are not easy to live with. Some days, of course, are much better than others, but overall, dealing with mental disorders becomes easier as I learn more skills to combat the negative affect they can have. I have had some form of depression and bipolar disorder for as far back as I can remember. I think I really noticed it when I was about 11 years of age… and it has never let up since. Sometimes I have gone for a short time with no symptoms, but it is short lived. Some form of the disorder shows itself at all times whether it is mania, anxiety, depression, irritability… you name it.

So how do I cope?

One thing I have found SUPER important for me… and it helps others as well… is to have a very regular schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night, wake up at the same time every day, workout, spend time with friends and family, eat properly and don’t skip meals. All of these little things are very important. Now, I cannot control every single moment of the day… but these things mentioned are within my control so I make sure to use that to my benefit.

Sleep is so very important as well. Just two sleepless nights and I can be thrown into mania… and what is inevitable after mania?? Depression. Dreaded depression.

I do my best to keep my ‘action’ plan updated… this is a plan on what to do if I hit a manic moment or a depressive moment that seems larger than life… this plan is in place to protect me. Simple things on it… talk to a loved one, take walks outdoors, word in my DBT and Bipolar workbooks, distract myself with movies… etc. I am sure you get my point.

There are many ways that we can combat this disorder, and though we will always have it, we don’t always have to be at war with it.

How do you cope??

Rainy Day


This morning, I awoke to nice cloudy skies, drizzling rain, and cool temperatures… I made coffee and had a “moment”. I closed my eyes and held my coffee to my nose… the aroma with the combination of rain and humidity, and the room dark from the cloudy skies, took me back in time. I didn’t go too far back, only about 6 years, but it dropped me at the beginning of my worst breakdown. I have mentioned it before… the last horrible “break” that lasted from 2007 through to 2012. Of course, it was something that progressed, a breakdown that came on gradually, and left just as slowly as it ‘crawled’ into my life.

And, as usual, hindsight is 20/20. It is only within the last year that I have been able to see, with clarity, what triggered it and how it escalated to become the worst break of my life.

It hurt…

it destroyed…

it took forever to go away.

Were all the memories horrible?? Of course not. The “main” moment that this morning took me back to was a good memory. One of sitting under the covered patio while the rain beat down on the metal roof, breathing in the beautiful cool humid air, staring at the amazing sky with its low grey clouds… my children with me… a comfy home, love.

Why did I “break”? I know now… I see the trigger and will forever learn from this painful lesson.

This is the most important thing about myself, recognizing the pattern… being self aware so that I can prevent these ‘breaks’ in the future. The best gift we can get ourselves… love, understanding, forgiveness, self awareness…

Today I am loving the rain. ♥

Disturbing Videos and My Stand On Physician Assisted Suicide

I was searching youtube for some suicide prevention videos and possibly some videos from the “Coming Out of The Darkness” awareness walks that take place around the country…. what I found was horrible.

The dark side of youtube.

I found instruction videos on how to make a proper noose, etc, and videos of actual suicides. Yes, some were hoaxes, others were little documentaries, but one specifically disturbed me. It was a webcam video of a man asphyxiating himself by hanging in which if he just stood up, he would have lived. He did not do that though. Sure, this video could be an elaborate hoax, but I do believe it is real for a couple reasons which I do not want to give the gory details of. It is sped up just a bit so I am not sure what the time lapse would truly have been between the time he put the rope around his neck and his body stopped moving, to the time the police got there and started CPR.

Why do I mention this? I am horrified for one that someone would upload this for someone to see, and I am horrified of the amount of views this video had.

There are others… specifically jumpers off the Golden Gate Bridge and it is just tragic that people get to that low point (which I certainly have felt but just held on waiting for things to get better) where they feel that death by suicide is their only option.

I do have a unique view on suicide, though it does not include those who have mental disorders.

I do believe that physician assisted suicide should be legal across the board in every state… but not for anybody and everybody who want to die. I believe that the person must be at the end stage of a chronic illness, in which they will die from, and I believe that family support should be there as well. Sadly that isn’t always the case though because we are selfish when we love someone and wish to have every second with them that we can have. That is not for the ill persons sake, but for “our” sake… the ones that keep on living after our loved ones passed.

I had an aunt with a crooked spine… uncomfortable, probably painful, but not life threatening. She lived like this for 20 years that I know of and know that she lived with it many more years before I knew her. Her pain continued to increase to the point that she moaned and cried out 24/7 WHILE ON PAIN MEDICATION.  After many tests, she was found to have cancer running up and down her spine, causing unimaginable pain. 

She suffered through it for at least a year. A year of screaming out, moaning, crying, unable to move, sponge baths made her cry out in horrible pain. You could literally hear her throughout the hospital corridors when you got to her floor. The pain was unreal. She stuck it out to the bitter end and it broke everyones heart to see her like this. Though she would not have willingly died, I believe that anyone with this condition, this much pain, and who will die relatively soon, should have the option to request a cocktail of medications to help them fall into eternal sleep.

Physician assisted suicide is legal in Oregon, Washington, and Montana.

Here is a great article to read about it: Physician Assisted Suicide

It points out that it is not utilized much at all, which I find surprising. It is interesting how an unhealthy mind will think self destruction is the only way out, but a healthy mind will preserve life as long as possible.

Just a little ramble with things to think about.

One Of Those Days…




This morning started out horrible for me… I sat in the bathtub, bawling my eyes out. I sat in there for a bit and just let the tears flow. For some reason, the abuse my son suffered through has been on my mind alot, and I have been using every technique I know to take my mind off of it.

It hasn’t been working.

So, this morning, I just let it all out… cried until my head hurt.

It has been four years since my sons abuse, and though I don’t know when it started, I do know that it was ended after three months of being in the devils presence. So, he was abused no longer than three months, but this abuse has forever changed our lives. People say things happen for a reason and it makes me sick to hear. I must admit though that I found comfort in my grandfathers words that this tragic event saved my ex-husband… why?… because he was deployed at the time, to Iraq, and the incident with my son got him back to the states in three days and he has never had to return. Maybe my grandfather is right, probably not, but looking for the “positive” in it, that is all the positivity I can find.

My heart breaks for my son  and I punish myself for not realizing what was happening to him sooner than I did. Why did he get abused by someone I thought I trusted? Why was his innocence shattered and stolen from him? What affect is this going to have on him as he grows? Will he blame me? Will he be at peace with it or always struggling because this happened to him?

Will he forgive me…







It hurts me to think of the pain he endured and that he may always be at battle with what happened…

Though I hope he continues to heal, and possibly forget. He was 4 at the time… and turns 8 next month.

As for the person who hurt him? I hope he is hurting every day in prison (arrested for something unrelated)… that it’s hell for him, and that the same pain and cruelty is dished out to him. I want nothing more than for him to be given exactly what he gave my son. I usually wish worse things, but am trying to learn to let go.

An eye for an eye… that is all I want. I want justice for my son… and I want my son to flourish and thrive…

My son is happy… he is healthy… he is safe.

That is all that truly matters.

I will take all of his pain and carry it on my shoulders… that is what Mommy’s do. 


Does anyone know statistically how this will affect him? I know I have a couple followers who may know off hand… as therapists…

I was told by my own therapist that it sounds like my son has processed it well and only reflects on it as a “fact” and not as something completely emotional. He has gotten passed it well… and mentions it rarely. The things he does say though is horrific… enough to send any parent over the deep end, and wanting severe physical harm to come to the abuser.

He is happy. He is healthy. He is safe. ~ I say this over and over when times like this arise… and I imagine his smile and the way he wants me to cuddle him whenever we are together… I remember how loving and how gentle he is with his cousins… I remember him holding my hand… I remember him telling me he loves me… I remember how intelligent and kind he is… I remember his happiness.

He is happy. He is healthy. He is safe.

Disgusting Mankind

Recently I saw a picture on face book with a story of how the young girl, at the age of five, was the youngest mother in our history. Of course I thought that it was a hoax and looked it up online to confirm that it was. What I found was highly disturbing and absolutely wrong and disgusting.

The story was true. This particular young girl had started her menses at the age of three… she also had breasts that formed just as they would when going through puberty. There is a picture of her online, pregnant at age five, and thought I would put it here with this post but then decided against it. It is horrific to me that people in this world think that it is ok to have sexual contact with a child. And even worse, there are MANY cases of young girls, starting at about 5 on up, who had conceived a child and given birth.

I am just sick to my stomach. Many of them never started puberty that young, and even if they did, that is not permission to touch a child sexually. Most of these young girls were raped by fathers, uncles, and so on. One was being prostituted out by her parents!!

It makes me sick that people think it is ok to do this…. to steal the innocence of these poor children…. to abuse them in any way.

Society is depraved… they are morally bankrupt.

I look at my five year old daughter and know without a doubt that I would kill someone if they touched her this way.

It seems that people, as a whole, are disgusting… I am so distraught over this. I really am in need of good stories of human kindness… something to counteract this horrific, tragic, disgusting truth I have come across.

Suicide… Hate It.

I was looking around the internet just reading various things, and then I thought of an actor that I use to love but have not seen him in the spotlight in years. So what did I do?? I looked him up. I was not prepared for what I learned.

He died almost ten years by hanging himself.

Remember this face??


Jonathan Brandis

I can remember watching him in “Neverending Story” and “It” specifically, and he was very popular, especially to young girls everywhere who fell in love with him and his adorable looks.

He chose to die at 27 yrs of age.

He left no note explaining his choice… though he was apparently devastated over his career and was wanting to make a comeback of sorts. I hope that he found peace and is no longer hurting.

I hate that suicide is an option, though I certainly understand because I have experienced that severe emotional pain.

We just have to remember that life is fluid and the pain will go away. ♥

Happy Anniversary To Us!


On August 10, my man and I celebrated our one year anniversary. We totally rocked it! 

(pssst… don’t mind the horrible hair in this picture… we were 24 hours into our celebration…lol… without stopping.)

Our day started like any other… a little wonderful morning lovin’… hugs, smooches, I love you’s, and happy anniversary to us! It is hard to imagine that I met him only a year ago, because not a day goes by where I feel like I am just learning who this man is… I feel like I have loved him my whole life… and have known him forever.

We decided to start by having breakfast at an old school tiny casino in the heart of Henderson. A little place I have been going to since I was a toddler, lol, literally. We put our name in and decided, “what the hell”, lets have a cocktail while we wait to be called to eat. It is our anniversary and we will party it up how we so choose. We did a cheers… to us… had a drink and then went and devoured our food.

As we were leaving, I noticed how much the bar had filled up. There were people lined up, one after another, gambling and drinking. I glanced at the arm of one man and was caught by surprise, the tattoos were unmistakable… could it be my cousin I had been looking for?? I looked at his profile and sure enough, it was my cousin I had lost contact with for the last two-three years. I asked my man if we could stay and have a couple drinks with him so we could catch up. Of course, my wonderful man pulled the chair out for me to sit on and he sat in the next. We bullshitted with my cousin for a few drinks, exchanged phone numbers, and then me and my man headed out the door … needless to say, it was on like donkey kong!

We stayed up and out…. partying like rock stars. Mind you, we started our celebration at about 9am on Saturday and didn’t stop until 2pm on Sunday. Then it was off to bed for us. LOL, we are STILL wore out!!

Happy anniversary to us! May we have many more years to come… happy in love.

And may we heed the lesson learned… we are NOT 22 anymore and cannot pull all nighters anymore. LOL



Why is it that the thought of you can still sting…

can instantly bring tears to my eyes…

can make me miss you like you were here just yesterday?

Why do you invade my dreams…

looking peaceful and glowing in the glory of the heavens…

That smirk on your face, I read your mind… “I am finally free baby girl.”

How can I be thrown into the past,

remember those eyes, those tears…

watching you crumble before me…a lost soul.

Why couldn’t I save you?

Why couldn’t my love protect you?

Why do I smell your cologne, hear your voice?

Why can’t I just forget and let go?

Why do I see you in “them”…

Why did I destroy the fruit of our love?

Why was “I” there that horrible night?

How do you still have this hold,

Was what your cousin said true…

that my heart was buried with you.

So many questions… so few answers…


©bipolarmuse 2012

**I wrote this well over a year ago, almost a year and a half… those who follow along with my blog will know the inspiration… I always feel that everything I write goes here in this blog, so even though I wrote this in the beginning of 2012, I feel compelled to put it up here.**

Suicide is so devastating to those left behind… yet, I understand the need to go, the horrible pain that brings one to this choice.

If you are suicidal, please ask for help.

Amanda Bynes Schizophrenic ??




Amanda Bynes


Amanda Bynes was known for being a young actress on a couple shows, “All That” and “The Amanda Show” during pretty much the late 90’s and early 2000’s… I remember watching several shows with her in them because at the time she was a huge star for the younger kids to watch.

Just recently however, she has been in a mental hospital (involuntarily) after setting a fire on someones driveway in Thousand Oaks.

A judge has granted her mother temporary conservatorship to make decisions in regards to Amanda’s care when released by the mental facility, and to be in control of her finances.

Apparently, Amanda has grown increasingly paranoid and expressed fear that she was being watched by fire alarms and her car radio.

It is looking like schizophrenia but a diagnosis has not been released as of yet.


** I was talking to my BF about this case and how many mental disorders show themselves in your mid to late 20’s. He mentioned that our brains are not fully developed until about our mid twenties… I can’t help but wonder if this is the cause.

Mental health awareness is so important. Proper diagnosis and treatment is important. Lets raise our voices.


A Song That Defined The 90’s For You??

On the radio they were talking about these “lists” that come out, of songs, that “represent” the time frame… like the 90’s for example, and all the songs listed were NOT the song that defined the 90’s for me. The only song that stands out like a sore thumb, that would be indicative of  that time, again… for me… well, may not be the song you remember most… however, you would have to agree that this band was huge in the mid 90’s and remain to be a staple today. At least for people like me. LOL.

So what song has 90’s stamped on it for me?? No Doubts Just A Girl….

I sooooooo rocked this song…

The Dreaded Day


With a heavy heart… today is the day they depart.

I hurt.

My chest aches.

My eyes water.

I write this with tears flowing.

I know I will see them again…

Just not sure when.

I wish they could have stayed.

Another twist in life…

I will survive… even with

this pain.

I have many more tears.

My heart hurts.

Like What Dreams May Come

what dreams  may come

As I lay in bed with my beautiful babies while they are visiting here… my youngest son cuddles me while my youngest daughter lays on her side holding my hand.

*Mommy, why do we have to die?

~Well, sweetheart, we all are born and then at some point we all have to die. We only get to live once.

* Only one time Mommy? (Tears come to her eyes.) But Mommy, I don’t want to die and I don’t want you to ever die.

~ (Tears start streaming to the right down my cheek) Well hopefully Mommy dies long before you as a really old lady so I have every moment possible with you.

* But Mommy, if I die first, how do I find you??

At this, I could barely keep my composure. But like in “What Dream May Come”, I responded…

~ I promise no matter what, I will search heaven and hell until I find you. And hopefully, I die first and Mommy will be waiting for you so you won’t need to find me.

~ I love you baby girl, lets not worry about these sad things, lets be happy in this moment.

* Ok, I love you too Mommy.

Stupid Stupid Life. Why does my baby have to be anxious at five years of age of such hard painful facts?? Am I even able to keep a promise like that? I hope so.