Your Tears

loveMadeOfTears

Your tears hold me captive…

no amount of struggle to be set free.

Your tears make me break…

Is wholeness ever to be?

~

In the night, you roll onto your  side…

tears sharp as they flow down your face.

You grab my arm as I roll to my side to hold you…

Your sobs uncontrollable, in rhythm, in pace.

~

My arm wrapped around you…

ssshhhhh my Love , take refuge in sleep

I lie there the whole  night,

My arms around you, feeling your heart beat.

~

His sorrow painful, he says “I just want  you.”

I hold tight and whisper into your heart and soul…

“no one can ever replace my love, I love you forever”….

Like a sinking ship, I go down. Forever I have you to hold.

©bipolarmuse 2013

Child Abuse… and More

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I have posted about the man who abused my son in the past. This person was not prosecuted for his actions because he was abusing my son in private, behind closed doors as is usually the case when it comes to abuse, and my son had a mild form of autism and at the time, a speech delay  that prevented him from being able to tell me what was happening to him… at the time…

Needless to say…. once my son was removed from that environment and felt safe, the flood gates of what happened to him came crashing open and it is HORRIFIC to say the least. I get physically ill when my son recounts details of what happened to him. How do I know that it is not just information fed to him? Well, many times my son will describe an event of the abuse and then follow up with “It was the day we did “this”. That is information that only I would truly know… and so I know my son is trying to describe the events and makes them believable by also mentioning something off topic that only I would have knowledge of… like the day we went to the park at mountains edge… nobody could have “fed” him that information… he was recalling a memory.

Not everyone thinks that Austin Peterson of Henderson/Las Vegas, NV was capable of such things. Some think he was a family man, even raising his oldest daughter on his own. Read the comments of this post I had written long ago, Bruised. This woman is his ex, and mother to his oldest child. She thinks he walks on water… and “how could he possibly hurt a child”.

Well, many people do things that often shock us or have us saying, “I would have never thought this person to be capable of doing something like that.”  Months after myself and my children were away from this man, with a  restraining order against him I might add, he went on an armed robbery spree. The man who was never capable of anything bad plead guilty to all counts and was sentenced to 15 years in a federal prison. READ ABOUT IT HERE. Once again, the ex comes to his rescue… you can read her comment beneath the article… for the record, she has her opinion about him and I imagine he was depressed and I certainly know he was having financial difficulties… but the first sentence is a lie. According to him, spoken to me when I knew him and unaware he was hurting my son, he told me he never even graduated high school and that he did not have a college degree.

Out of character for him, both the child abuse and the crimes?? Perhaps. What I do know was that he did do these.

If you read the article I linked… and I will link it again here…. he held a gun to the face of the frightened employees. Sited from the article: “Peterson pointed firearms at the faces of the employees, threatened them and demanded money.”

He was capable of the several armed robberies he committed, capable of holding a “stolen semi-automatic handgun” to the faces of people and threaten them… capable of being a monster committing these crimes. If he was “capable” of these things, why is it so far-fetched for some to believe he could not be *capable* of hurting and abusing a child. He was on a downward spiral… capable of anything.

Everyone has rights to their own opinions… but when my son (been healing since the end of 2009) recounts how socks were stuffed in his mouth while Austin punched him in the groin and etc, or how Austin put a plastic “walmart” bag over his head…. I know that my son does not have the capability, at age 4, to describe these horrific things in such detail… to describe what was happening to him, to make such horrible things up. And I must add, I am describing the abuse he suffered in VERY vague words. The details that my then 4 yr old son gave would literally make you sick. I kept asking in my head, over and over, how bruises could be in the area between his testicles and his rectum… well, sadly, it is quite disgusting and simple… and my 4 yr old could not only explain how in horrible detail, but he could also demonstrate the motion and momentum needed to inflict injuries that caused his genitals to swell up to the size of grapefruits.
Thank God this did not go on for much time… he could have very well killed my son.
In my opinion, a person who can hold a gun to someones face and threaten them… well, this type of person is capable of being a monster in many ways, including being a child abuser.
*Everything written here is backed up by the article I sited, and true to what my child has revealed happened to him. I can show proof of the crime spree… I may not be able to show concrete proof that my child was abused by him… perhaps I will write another post of how I know that my son is telling the truth… but this post is not to bash, it is to share my experience and state facts as they are in the paper, and as I know them.*
If anyone comes across this via the google search engine and disagrees with the information here, contact me through my contact page and lets discuss this as  adults, don’t leave a hateful comment and threaten me… it is immature, and this is a public venue where all can see the threats made. I am human and I am not hateful or vengeful. If you speak to me with respect, as one person to another, I will certainly treat you with respect back and will be logical.
On a happy note, my son is healing remarkably. When he does speak of it, he speaks matter of fact about it, sometimes asking if Austin was “trying to kill” him. Breaks my heart… but I always remind him that he is a good boy and never did anything wrong to warrant that type of treatment.
On an even happier note… the last couple years have been Austin free. My son is healing… and THAT is beautiful and a demonstration of the amazing resilience children have. His healing will always be ongoing, but with his Dad and me helping him all the time, soon it will be a distant memory and hopefully one day, a memory that will no longer reside with him. ♥

Medicare Bound! Mental Health Covered!

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So after being approved for social security disability insurance for 19 months now (yet deemed disabled for 26 months), I am finally beginning to receive information/paperwork in the mail for Medicare! I have not been so excited for medical coverage as I am over this.

See, when you get approved for SSDI, unless you are already paying out of pocket for private health insurance, you are not offered any medical benefits when you are a single adult without any dependents to get your states assistance… so what I am saying is that since I was approved, I have had to pay out of pocket for EVERYTHING. All psych visits, therapy, and medical visits have come out of pocket, and on top of that, I have had to pay for all my prescriptions as well with the exception of Lamictal which I got through prescription assistance from the pharmaceutical company itself.

On Average, for the last 19 months, I have paid approximately $3500.00 out of pocket for medical care and prescriptions… and this is the bare minimum. I know it has been more than that but wanted to give you an approximate idea. So seeing the medicare information and medical card with an effective date of Sept. 1 made me do a happy dance!

Now comes the hard part… do I go with Medicare Original or Medicare Advantage? There are advantages to both so I will really need to weigh the pros and cons to figure this one out. The nice thing about Medicare Original is that I can be seen by any Doc who accepts Medicare rates… and I can get assistance with my low income to help offset the costs. From what I understand Part A (hospitalization) is automatic and I do not pay for this… Part B (medical) will be automatically garnished from the funds I receive, and I will have to add drug coverage to cover my prescriptions… and perhaps add a “medigap” policy to assist in paying for copayments, other out of pocket expenses, and things not other wise covered by Medicare Original. All the options have benefits and disadvantages so I will truly need to do my homework on this and make a sound decision. Medicare Advantage is more like your private HMO, PPO, plans and are all inclusive but you must read all the fine print to make sure you are not paying more for this coverage than you would with Medicare Original… and one perk of Advantage is that it includes some dental as well. So like I said, I really need to research this.

And praise baby J, mental health IS included. Wouldn’t it be ironic (and just like the government) to exclude it.

So therapy… here I come!!!

If any of you have any Medicare Original or Medicare advantage experience, please share it with me, either through comments, or on my “contact me” page. I would be very grateful for any insight into this difficult decision making process.

It may be a few months away… but things are looking up more and more. ♥

Stand Up

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Fall down seven times, stand up eight. – Chinese proverb

It is very easy to become discouraged when mistakes are made. Sometimes we forget that we must learn from our wrong doings to prevent ourselves from making the same mistake twice.

Mistakes hurt… and often times, they hurt others as well…

What must be done when we stumble and fall down? WE GET BACK UP.

No matter how hard the fall, no matter the pain and sorrow, when you make a mistake, stumble and fall, do everything within your power to get back up again.

And one other important detail… never be afraid to ask for help.

The Bipolar Patient and Medicine Compliance

Medication compliance and those with Bipolar disorder happens to be a difficult subject. Why is it that we are not willing to continue taking out meds? I think if we were force-fed the pills, we would still manage to throw them up to get them out of our system.

So why are we this way?

Why doesn’t being compliant have anything to do with whether or not the medication is working or not?

Why do we fight so hard to be med free?

I do not have the answers, only my own personal reasons which I will share later, for now, I have found some interesting information that I will share here.

*Medication noncompliance or medication nonadherence is the failure to take prescribed medications.*

What I found to be interesting is that many individuals with Bipolar disorder do not take their medication as prescribed because they are in denial about their illness. This is referred to as anosognosia: Real or feigned ignorance of the presence of disease)… and this is the first reason why those with bipolar and Schizophrenia stop taking their medications! While researching this, I found this to be VERY interesting as I found it to be true for myself, and treatment of my disorder. I spent many years seeing different Doctors, being prescribed different medications, and eventually removing myself off of the medication because in my mind, “The doctors had is all wrong” and nothing was wrong with me. I spent a little over NINE (yes, you read that correctly, 9 years) in complete denial. In the beginning, it was easy to have myself fooled because everyone around me was on the same band wagon… “nothing’s wrong with you”, “doctors just diagnose anything to make a buck”,  “you don’t have anything wrong, you just make bad decisions”… etc. Everyone around me supported my idea that the Doc was a quack job and that I was perfectly healthy. So I certainly related to this reason for noncompliance. This reason beats out medication side affects which is next.

Another reason we don’t take our medications as prescribed is because of medication side affects. Are they annoying? YES. Do our bodies adjust? MOST OF THE TIME. Personally I loathe dry mouth, constipation, irritable bowel syndrome, racing mind, sensory sensitivity, and the worst… sexual dysfunction. Sexual dysfunction is a very large reason, especially for men. It causes some to have the inability to achieve orgasm and in men, sometimes it also causes them to be unable to get an erection. Horrible for someone who is finally coming out of a depressive episode and WANTS to engage in some sexy time with their partner… yet they can’t. In fact, one man told me he would “rather be a raging lunatic with a hard-on than a normal person with a limp noodle”. Can you blame him? Even for myself personally, the sexual component was difficult to get over. However, after a few months, my body became use to the  medications and my bodies ability to achieve orgasm returned…. which was perfect timing because I was finally to the point where sex of any kind was welcomed.

Of course there are many other reasons why we tend to go off of the meds that are intended to help us to feel better. Maybe they are not making us feel better (in which case it is important to get into the Psychiatrist pronto), or suicidal tendencies (again, GET INTO THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY, OR TO A HOSPITAL), *maybe you cannot afford the medicine*… lets talk about this one for a moment.

If you are unable to afford the medicine there’s a couple things that can be done to help you. For one, ask your doc for samples. Most can do this if the medications are new (and still horribly expensive). Another option, which I opted for, was to “tinker” with my medication cocktail and try to replace the newer expensive medications with the older (just as effective) options. I remember one med (literally only one, I was taking four at that time), for a month supply, was almost $1000.00…  Guess what happened? I stopped taking my meds.

Then I went to AZ who had a nice program for those with mental health problems (they have since changed some of the rules and NOW can only get assistance financially/medically  if you have a dependent)…. there, I received therapy and saw a Psychiatrist on a regular basis. This PDoc assisted me in getting assistance for my primary bipolar med (Lamictal) [and have not had to pay for that medicine over a year now] and switched out my anti-psychotic med. First we tried Resperidone, which worked “ok”… definitely nothing to write home about. Then we gave that up for Haldol, a very old anti-psychotic. We started out with a very low, low, dose and then increased it to what is still a very low dose. Klonopin was also prescribed and I used the generic Clonazepam. This “drug” cocktail as they like to call it was perfect for the affordable options I had. These three medications currently cost me approx. 55.00$ a month… That is a huge difference.

Currently, starting this next week, I am going to apply for adult mental health service… and hopefully they can get my medications for me.

Even after acceptance of this disorder, I battle staying on the meds. One day… it will come naturally.

 

I Love You Forever

IloveUforever


I love you forever

That is the title of this post, and what it written so beautifully on a sheet of paper pictured above.

I recently visited my little ones in Texas, (they live with their Dad), and they both were making me pictures, or as you see above… writing me little notes.

My daughter is the artist and put together some adorable cards for me, she is 5 years old so you can imagine just how cute her little drawings were. I absolutely love each thing she made for me… they are fun, creative, and a wonderfully heartfelt.

My son wasn’t in the “artsy” mood but decided to write me a couple notes… and this was one of them. First he came over to me and handed me a sheet of paper that said “I am going to miss you”… so sweet and heartbreaking at the same time… sadly, both the children know my visits have to come to an end and it is something we talk about each day I am there. It truly hurts my heart. I work with them and use “mindfulness” techniques to help keep us in the present moment and not project into the future when I must depart… which hurts my heart so much, as it does theirs. Most times this technique works, and it did this time with the exception of a day or two.

Anyhow (sorry about that little tangent) my son walks over and hands me another sheet of paper… the one pictured above. It beautifully said, “I love you forever.”

It stopped me dead in my tracks and the tears just came on their own… it was impossible to prevent them, nor stop them. I grabbed my son and pulled him close to me, squeezing him tight, and in a hushed, tear-touched voice I told him that I would love him forever and  more. I then sang “I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” This is a song I use to sing to him as a baby and toddler, borrowed from a childrens book with the title “I love you forever.”

This touched my heart deeply. There is no love like the love for your children…