Another Twist In Life


babiesBlueBonnetStroll

 

I recently went on a trip to visit my little ones… it was beautiful and so natural to be with them. As their Mom, I feel like there is always a part of me missing, I am always missing out on something.

I get “I miss you’s, I love you’s, I will see you soon.”

I miss tucking them to bed at night, good morning kisses, hearing “that’s my Mom” when they are at a school play and find where I am standing to watch them. I miss knowing their favorite foods, missing teeth, meeting their teachers. I miss out on every aspect of their life except for the few minutes I get to talk to them… and the visits that keep me sane. 

While I was there, I got some very sad news… they are moving to Germany for three years.

Yes… Germany.

I cried instantly and have been very tearful ever since… trying to fight off the complete breakdown. I need to be strong… I will be.

While I know everything will work out, I am afraid that them moving so far is going to do something to my mental health. I can feel it. I love my children so  much, and while I want them to experience another country, I feel as though they need to experience me more… I feel like I am in the dark without them… and I KNOW that they need me as well. That being said, I could not, nor would not stand in the way of their move. I love them and want all the best for them… I want them to see life and live it… I want them to enjoy living in another culture.  I want them to truly live.

I guess what I do not want is for them to forget about me… 

I wish they could stay.

“Please remember me.”

25 thoughts on “Another Twist In Life”

      1. Exactly! That is what I am holding onto… longer visits in the summer. Technically, with this move, I will see them ‘more’, but I won’t get to fly out on a whim because I am missing them like crazy or try to make it for birthdays (unless I find insanely good prices on flights). My cousin told me I can set up a flyers points account with say British airways and people can buy me miles as gifts… instead of birthday or christmas gift etc… and those would go toward a purchase of a ticket.

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    1. Very true! On a positive note… their Dad has invited myself, my older children, and my boyfriend to come out anytime that we can and we can stay with him. So I know that I will get to see them… I am just hoping it is more than a couple weeks a year. ♥

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  1. This breaks my heart. I can feel the love in your words for all of your children. These are very precious years. I can understand how you are feeling. Just remember all the technology we have now to stay in touch. Skype! Facebook! Texting! Snap Chat! I know you will make every effort to stay connected in their lives. The miles won’t matter. Praying you find peace in this tough circumstance. LOVE ya!

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    1. Thank you for reminding me of the positives. Their Dad is getting a laptop for skyping pronto and we will have scheduled talks through the week and then skype on the weekends. I will have to find out how cell phones work overseas…but no matter what I know skype will be my saving grace.

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  2. This was a lovely, touching post. Go ahead and feel your sadness–in this case, it’s justified. All will work out as it should, you know, and your loved ones will come back still loving you. But right now, in this moment, the sadness is part of the process. Take care.

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    1. It is. I remind myself of that… it isn’t just ‘sadness’, it is sadness for a very good reason. I will miss them terribly… and it will hurt, but it will make the good times that much sweeter.

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  3. I love this song. I felt all of your love and sadness in this post. But, the good news, is when you do see them, when you do talk to them, it will mean that much more. Those times, will make you cry of happiness and keep you strong. Them experiencing new things and getting excited to tell you about it, that makes me shiver with excitement just thinking about it. You can write them letters, and imagine how happy you will be, when they write you. I know it’s hard, but you are strong, and we are here for you, when you need us in their absence.

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    1. I love this song too… it is sadly beautiful. I look forward to skyping with them and hearing about all their stories of places they will visit that I may never see.
      Fortunately, I have a wonderful man who is helping me to remain positive and reminds me of the things I have to look forward to instead of what I am missing. And I will definitely continue writing… it is my release. Thank you for your support and for also reminding me of the good that will come from this. ♥

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  4. Hello bipolarmuse. This post of yours really touched me – I _so_ feel for you and it must have been really shocking to hear this (what appears now) very sad news. I know what a lot of this stuff is like as my Mother has BPD – I’ve lived through 28 years in this journey of life with her (most of them not actually living with her from when I was 7/8->18 when my father had to step in, but I’m never giving up on Mum – just as an example – she’s thrown me out when manic 3 times along with my old father [who when not manic Mum and Dad though never will get back together have a good friendship] – in the harsh winter too, but we have forgiven her, we know she was ill – I love her too much to ever give up on her or “wash my hands” of her) and I have some health issues as well – physically and mentally [I think we all have, however big or small..] (I suffer from anxiety disorder and was born with Russell-Silver Syndrome), but getting to the point – and this is a direct appeal to you – please, girl, as much as I know you love those kids, whatever you do – don’t let it affect your own mental health. When they get back from Germany do they want Mom in hospital, sectioned, or out and sane and all of that so you can enjoy a harmonious sane loving relationship with them?. I know you’ll miss them. I know how hard it will be. Trust me on that, I do know. But, and you have to think to yourself, “I’m not being selfish here..” because you do need to remember that you _will_ see your children again, albeit 3 years – yes, it feels a very long time, but hang on to the hope that when they return they can return to a Mother who wasn’t like she was before, if you can keep things in check, if you know what I mean?. They love you, I am sure of this. It is just sometimes very hard living or spending lots of time with sufferers of bpd because they can (generalization) be very stressing on those around them – and I know you don’t mean it for it to be like that, and as children I would say they find it hard to express such feelings in a very understandable way without sounding horrible. But (and this is my main point) – love, it is all encompassing, and it surpasses anything else, so that love that you have between you and your children will never go. Never. Hang on in there if not for your own sake but for theirs also. I know some days you feel like saying “f*ck it, I can’t take all of this staying sane business anymore I like the high too much, f*ck those meds”, etc, but you need to also remember the results of these actions. I’m not criticizing you so don’t get me wrong. Stay strong for your babies (they will always be your babies, grown children or adults or whatever!), and in return you will find things changing, for the better. I hope some of these words have been of some help to you – I know that no words can make it better that your children are being taken away to the other side of the world for three whole years, but if you can find just a touch of solace in my words then this post has been worth it. I haven’t read many of the other replies yet besides yours about the fact that you have a wonderful man to help you remain positive,etc, and it’s great that you have that support system in place – a lot don’t, you’re lucky in that sense, and please keep writing (I am going to start my own blog soon, I’ve said it for years but I am!) because I like your posts. As for my generalizations, please forgive me, as I have to use generalizations to point out certain situations so you know exactly what I mean, it’s not a criticism to you or anyone else who might read my post(s). Also, even though all of these places they will be going to and things they will be seeing you won’t be there to see, they will have at least done and seen a lot of things in life and when they do return they will have a much higher level of education and a bigger view of the world, there is a _lot_ of positive that could result from this (and I know you probably don’t agree with me there, at the moment, but life is tough for everyone, tougher for some than others [or some just don’t show it ..] and it isn’t selfish to feel how you do feel. It’s very natural. Any mother put in this unfortunate position (for you) would be very upset or she wouldn’t be a good mother!. Focus on what those children will learn in Germany, and they will become better people for it (I don’t know them and I am not saying they’re not good people, I just mean that 3 years of life experience in another country could do them the world of good!). And PLEASE remember – they will _never_ forget you. They might get a bit distracted in their new surroundings, but they won’t forget you. I am sure of that, I would place my life on it (and I don’t throw that phrase around lightly..). Stay strong, hang on in there – it sounds like you’re doing well at the moment – best wishes and God bless you.
    Ben.

    PS. I’m with Lady Lonely on the above-post, it’s my pleasure also to follow you on this journey, of ups and downs and highs and lows, through thick and thin and whatever comes your way.

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    1. Thank you very much for your comment here.. I certainly do take it to heart and much of what you said resonates with me. I am focusing on the positives and trying to get through this with a healthy mind. I do know that they will have such a wonderful experience in Germany and they will absolutely get a great education not only school wise, but in seeing another culture. I look forward to them telling me of all the places they get to see and seeing all the pictures I know they will have as they get to explore. I, though sad and worried about how I will see them, I am very excited for them. I know that this will be great for them. I “let them go” so-to-speak with a heavy heart but know that I must continue to get healthy and stay healthy for them.
      Again, thank you for your comment and your wise words. 🙂 I am happy that you are following my blog. You certainly should start a blog of your own… it is great to share my journey… the good and the bad. ♥

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    1. Yes… we will be Skyping for sure. It will be my only way to see them until yearly visits. I am not looking forward to this and really hope it goes smoothly… I just want to make sure I get to see them and be with them.

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