Zach Sobiech

I was cruising  the book of face and found a post by a friend about this amazing young man… Zach Sobiech. So much can be learned by him in this short 20 minute insight into the end of his life (which sadly ended earlier this month), and get a glimpse of the beautiful soul he was. I watched the entire video with tears in my eyes… my hand over my heart because it hurt for him and all who loved him and knew him.

We don’t meet many people with the beautiful spirit he had and it is so contagious in the video. You just want to be surrounded by those who surrounded him to truly live with him when he had a short time to go… you wanted to be near him.

His story is heartbreaking and beautiful.

It reminded me that life is not always beautiful but it is a beautiful life.

If you have a few moments, watch this video. It may change your perspective for the day… and hopefully for all the days ahead. This is a story about living… not dying.

Ugggghhhh… come one Medicare! My Rant.

money

MONEY. I hate it and love it at the same time. Why is it that I will seem to be fine, then all of a sudden, I am broke for the next three months? Seriously. I know I don’t have much coming in, but I am very scrupulous with it because I know that a little must go far. That being said… this month I will be in the hole to my man about 500$. Yep. The mean green paper is taking a toll.

After Doc visits, prescriptions, plane tickets to get the kids back to TX on July 1st… I am flat broke… and will need my return flight paid for, and my prescription at the end of the month that is 170.00$ paid for as well. On top of the money I already owe him, yeah, I am looking at a 500$ bill. Not to mention that I have other bills to pay.  Grrrrrr.

**BUT, good news! My medicare begins on September 1st and my Doc visits and prescriptions will be covered. I cannot express how happy I am about this. Only two months to endure and then all will settle down and be great. I won’t be rich, but it sure will help with my  monthly expenses. It will pay for itself and then some…

I can’t believe that, being mentally ill, they wait 2 years before giving you medical coverage. This needs to be revamped. We have so many horrible crimes committed in the name of mental health issues but nobody wants to pay for Psychiatry or Psychological counseling. What is that about? We have gunmen going into schools, high school and college kids with mental disorders plotting bombings and other terrorist acts and I have had to wait 2 years for any type of medical assistance though I was deemed disabled with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety Disorders. Know what I was told when I asked my case worker what to do for my mental health *care*?? Her response- Go to the ER.

Really?!

No… I am not comparing myself to those who commit these horrible crimes, and I do not believe they ALL have mental health disorders (because I do believe that some people are just bad people), but seriously?… I waited 2 years for medical assistance? That is like a person diagnosed with terminal cancer waiting 2 years for treatment. Especially when suicidal… ok, maybe not identical situations here… but you get my drift.

Sorry for this rant but I am seriously flustered at the system. I am grateful that something is in place for assistance, but it literally needs a program change and reboot.

!!I am grateful that medicare is on its way and I only have July and August left to pay for my own medical care and medications. Now I just have to hope I don’t get a CDR (continuing disability review) and be deemed no longer disabled. Wouldn’t that be a nightmare?? I don’t even want to put that thought into the Universe. Not that I plan to be on this all my life… I just want to make sure I do not make an impulsive decision to work before I know that I am stable enough to stay employed.

Thank God I have a wonderful man who helps me stay afloat…

A Short Memorial Day Thanks

MemorialDay2

There will be alot of Memorial Day posts so I will keep this short.

It is not about beer and BBQ’s…

I have known a few men and women who are military, been part of war, and they made it home. Not all make it home, able to walk on their own two feet. Regardless of this… all who have served make great sacrifices. Some sacrifice all and give their lives for our freedoms… some live through it and sacrifice in other ways… like broken marriages, nightmares and therapy, and the inability to function normally in society.

All make a sacrifice of some sort.

Thank you to all who serve and offer themselves, breath… heart… and soul, for our freedoms.

To those lost and those living… my warmest thanks… I couldn’t say it enough.

memorialDay1

Remember what this day is truly about. ♥

Bipolar Is Awesome!

funnybipolar

Picture courtesy of Pinterest

LOL, I found this and found it funny and a tad bit true. I hate being bipolar at times and at other times, it absolutely rocks. Am I crazy for saying so? Nah… we all have mood swings we go through, mental disorders or not. We all share the same fluctuations in moods, attitudes, behaviors, and well… you get my drift.

I guess we ALL can be bipolar to a degree. The difference? Well, the difference is when these symptoms completely become out of control and interfere with your life. When being depressed causes you to stay in bed day in and day out, that is a problem. When you become so manic you start five different tasks, personal or at work, and cannot complete a single task… that is a problem. This is when some interference is needed to help control these crazy fluctuations in moods.

I can remember sitting in my therapists office… indian style on the couch, clutching a pillow, and rocking back and forth because I could not sit still to save my life. My teeth even chattered. It was like being on a drug. Interference was needed. Then came the massive dose of depekote. I went from speed walking and chattering teeth… reading five books at once… and planning to take over the world to drooling on myself and unable to hardly get off my chair at work. Literally… I drooled on myself, down the side of my mouth, to my shirt, on to my pants….

yeah… I hate being bipolar, it is AWESOME.

Another Twist In Life

babiesBlueBonnetStroll

 

I recently went on a trip to visit my little ones… it was beautiful and so natural to be with them. As their Mom, I feel like there is always a part of me missing, I am always missing out on something.

I get “I miss you’s, I love you’s, I will see you soon.”

I miss tucking them to bed at night, good morning kisses, hearing “that’s my Mom” when they are at a school play and find where I am standing to watch them. I miss knowing their favorite foods, missing teeth, meeting their teachers. I miss out on every aspect of their life except for the few minutes I get to talk to them… and the visits that keep me sane. 

While I was there, I got some very sad news… they are moving to Germany for three years.

Yes… Germany.

I cried instantly and have been very tearful ever since… trying to fight off the complete breakdown. I need to be strong… I will be.

While I know everything will work out, I am afraid that them moving so far is going to do something to my mental health. I can feel it. I love my children so  much, and while I want them to experience another country, I feel as though they need to experience me more… I feel like I am in the dark without them… and I KNOW that they need me as well. That being said, I could not, nor would not stand in the way of their move. I love them and want all the best for them… I want them to see life and live it… I want them to enjoy living in another culture.  I want them to truly live.

I guess what I do not want is for them to forget about me… 

I wish they could stay.

“Please remember me.”

Yesterdays Poem…

Yesterday I wrote a poem titled “Your Tears“. Now, when I wrote it, I had a concept in mind… and I was very tired from some serious lack of sleep. So as I was re-reading what I wrote, I realized I had many incoherent sentences and misspellings… etc. My lack of sleep (literally had about 2-3 hours), combined with my psych meds was evident. So this morning I took the few minutes it needed to fix it.

So, my apologies for the horrible writing I put forth yesterday. It is fixed. 🙂