Oh Mania… How I Loathe and Love You

Having this mental chaos in my head can be brutal at times… and hard for others to understand. For a couple days, I wasn’t feeling “right” and my sleep was drastically affected. I felt like mania was on its way. Fortunately for me… it was not… or perhaps it was for a moment. I work very hard on staying in the present moment and bask in the warmth of knowing my children are all safe and healthy…and fall more in love with my man daily. He has been an inspiration for me. Because I couldn’t sleep for a couple days, we have decided to revamp my  schedule to see if that will offer more control for me.

What I hate most about this disorder is that you can go symptom free for months, and even years… then all of a sudden it hits you and it hits hard. It is very important to know what your “triggers” are and be able to fight through them and win. Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle. What frustrates me the most is the lack of control I have over my mind…but I can (with practice) have control over my emotions and learn to work with my mind.

I have been working in my workbook and learning how to effectively cope with symptoms of mania should they arise. The workbook is “Overcoming Bipolar Disorder“. Not only is it informative but it gives clear examples and worksheets to make you think deeper about bipolar disorder and how to come up with solutions when symptoms arise. It teaches you to recognize your personal triggers and how to respond to them.

Triggers for Mania:

1. Drugs of abuse- Alcohol, Cocaine, Hallucinogens, Caffeine, Withdrawal from sedatives or alcohol, Change in nicotine use.

2. Neurological conditions- Dementia, Head trauma, Delirium, Stroke, Multiple sclerosis.

3. Prescribed Medications– Antidepressants, Decongestants, Inhalers for asthma, Stimulants, Levodopa for Parkinsons, Corticosteroids, Anabolic steroids, Disulfiram.

4. Other medical or physical conditions– Certain hormonal imbalances (like Cushings disease), Infections, Sleep loss, Menstrual cycle, Seasonal cycle.

Even “good” things in our lives can bring on  a manic episode… getting married, turning 40, going on vacation, moving in with the person of your dreams…the “good” things can be just as responsible as anything else for triggering a manic episode.

How to handle Mania:
Personally I handle mania in various ways. When I am hypo-manic, (A mild, nonpsychotic form of mania, characterized by increased levels of energy, physical activity, and talkativeness.) I tend to read or have the increased need to “create” something whether it be writing poetry or starting a new crocheting project. I will also tend to workout more often. But I must watch it closely to watch for signs of full blown mania. I have been fortunate and have never been hospitalized because of my manic moments, although I certainly can recall several times I should have been.

Personally I handle mania with the help of those I love. They generally can tell that something is “off” before I begin to realize it. Then I start to create an action plan. First thing…try to get my sleep pattern in control, which usually involves a call to the doctor. In my most severe manic state, even prescribed sleeping medicine could not offer me sleep. Sometimes a change in my meds is called for, or an increased dose is needed. Also, close attention is needed to watch for symptoms of psychosis. Aside from what I can do from a medical standpoint, I take action on my end. I do some spring cleaning, workout, read self help books if my mind can slow down enough, meditate, go to the library and checkout books (instead of buying 5-10 at the bookstore… saves a lot of money), work on crochet projects, make candles, get outside into nature…like hiking or simply walking around the park. I also utilize it to be very “self aware”. I pay close attention to every sound I hear, every smell, every sensation because I tend to be overly sensitive when I am in the throes of mania. Then I prepare for the fall from euphoria. Inevitably, the depression falls right behind the mania. This is something that is not controlled… it does not mean that you are not “happy” with your life or that your feelings have changed for those you love… it is simply a part of the vicious cycle of bipolar disorder.

ALWAYS reach out for help if you feel you are spinning out of control… it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Nobody wants to walk through the hell of mania and find that they have spent money they didn’t have, ruined true friendships, or destroyed relationships with the man/woman they love. The euphoria (devil in disguise), is not worth the heartache and destruction left in its wake. ♥

Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are proven to improve our lives. 80% of our thoughts are negative. Therefore, using these positive affirmations will help to rewire your brain so that the negativity begins to diminish. Is it a cure all? No. But it most certainly helps to bring positivity into your life.

My affirmation for today is:

“I choose love, joy and freedom, open my heart and allow wonderful things to flow into my life.”

How many of us truly feel love, joy, and freedom when we are stuck in our past wallowing in our misfortunes?

By putting your affirmations all around you, you can look at them as you please. I use to write on my bathroom mirror to offer me some positivity..and I also wrote them down on index cards and pulled them out to read them each day. It was a great opportunity to bring me into a better mindset.

Nothing happens over night my friends… those who are *normal” so-to-speak, and those with mood disorders  would benefit from positive affirmations.

Who wants their thoughts to be negative 80%? Certainly not me!

Thirsting For You

s

I cannot count the ways

in which I love you…

nor in the ways I was meant for you.

I am yours forever…

Always meant to be yours.

I know it in my bones…

by this raging fire within my body,

that screams to be quenched by you…

yet it doesn’t dull, it never falters,

The fire keeps raging and getting hotter…I always thirst for you.

You accept me…

I will never leave.

You are my best friend.

My heart would break if I lost you…

shatter into pieces…

Shards invisible…

 invisible to the naked eye…

 never to  be put back together again.

In awe, please catch me

staring at you.

You forever love me without

Judgment.

I am yours and only yours…

Forever.

© bipolarmuse 2012

*This is a blckout poem taking from one of the emails I sent to my love… it is simple and sweet.

Its Not Often…

It’s not often that I think of you…

I don’t like the vomit in the back of my throat…

Nor the acid burning me from the inside out.

 Hate flowing through my veins, choking on smoke.

I erase you out of my memory…

You do not deserve to be held there.

My anger, rage, my hatred… grows

The evil things dance about, without a care.

If I were to see you tomorrow…

You would be better off to turn and run…

Pray to the Gods, for it will be your last chance…

I will assist you to your funeral, it would be fun.

© Bipolarmuse 2012

** Some days I am able to keep the asshole who abused my son out of my mind… yet once in a while he pops into my head and it brings back so many raw emotions. My hatred grows every time I think of the abuse my youngest son had to endure at this disgusting persons hands. Writing helps me to heal… I just hope my son can heal as well.**

A Nice Reminder

I have been slacking with my blog and my blog email. Today I had time to go through my emails and found an email that was sent to me that reminds me why my blog is so important. This email touched my heart and has given me fuel for the fire to become more diligent about making posts. I would like to share it with you… the email is short and to the point.

“T just wanted to Thanks.  I have been thinking of killing myself. I was looking for some help and found it in your writings. I can’t say that won’t still do it. But for now anyhow. I have something other than darkness to think about. “

If you come back to my blog, please think deeply about it and allow it to serve as a beacon of light in that darkness. There is hope… I am living proof. ♥

Utopia

You make me happy,

You bring me happiness.

Like a natural spring

forcing itself through the crags of a barren and scarred land.

Bringing forth a cornucopia of exhilaration…

enchantment…

and peace of mind.

Feeling that spring widening,

into an ever flowing jet of immense physical force that is actually palpable.

Shooting straight up into the atmosphere…

to a peak where it spreads out equally,

feeding and fertilizing that barren and scarred violent land.

Pouring forth with an eagerness…

 to be the antidote to that once barren and scarred land.

Which has become , an ideal utopia of beauty…

love…

and happiness.

Surpassed only by the eternal beauty of the woman that provides the spring…

YOU.

I love you baby… and I always will.

© bipolarmuse 2012

~This is another beautiful, poetic email that my man sent to me. I have not changed a word…

I am his muse and he is mine.~

Letting Go

Twice the universe beheld…

Lessons to be learned.

Fought this prison, escaped the hell…

But not without getting burned.

Twice shattered…

Twice renewed…

My body and mind battered…

I handed this pain over to you.

You hold me so tight…

You calm this rage…

All in the world is going right…

Here I go… turn the page.

© bipolarmuse 2012