Here On Earth With Me ~ Blackout Poem

Imagine being away from you.

Excruciating, painful.

I will take all that I can get.

Similar souls…

Under the dark sky,

In awe with you.

My love growing, untamed.

Under the shimmering stars…melt together.

Adoration…

Fallen for you.

Tears in my eyes,

I want you happy.

I love

thinking

more about you than I thought

was possible.

I love you

unconditionally.

Grace.

Wonderfully perfect.

Spoil me.

Your “everything”…

Love incarnate…

makes me ache.

Makes me fucking melt.

Beautiful view…

riding…

Palms to palms… hard embrace…

fingers intertwined and locked.

Look up at the stars and moon…

realize heaven does not exist in the celestial body

but here on earth…

with me.

Will never let you go.

© bipolarmuse 2012

** Blackout poem taken from letters written back and forth between myself and a wonderfully amazing man that has shown me a whole new world.**

Lost In You

Shadows on your skin…

I watch you

as you watch me.

The light from the tv,

brightens and darkens

the room

yet I never lose sight of you.

Your eyes, they hold mine.

I bite my lip, yours hold a smile.

I could go on like this…

travel miles and miles.

Your warm skin, pressed firmly

to mine.

Lets get lost…

Let us stop time.

Kisses, tender and sweet…

one, two, 20 more.

My heart pounds for what’s

in store.

You speak, I melt.

You command, I listen,

I do…

but only for you.

Palm to palm…

fingers intertwined

Fingers locked.

Every moment, of every day…

I could tangle up

and get lost in you.

and I do…

In every way.

 Tangled up

lost in you

Only you

© bipolarmuse 2012

Explore, Dream, Discover ~ Mark Twain Quote

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” ~Mark Twain quote

This quote is well known… and rightfully so.

Lately, with all the twists and turns my life has taken, one thing that frequently comes to mind is that when I die, I want to be able to say that I truly “lived”. I don’t want to feel like I have wasted my life… it is a gift to be able to live and be truly living.

Even in simple things, I like to feel life… to make myself aware of the energy all around me and buzzing through me. No, in this moment, mania is not the cause. 😉 I love how I feel, I love the changes that have taken place within me, I love that I love life.

Is life without pain? No. Everyday I endure a little pain without my babies, but I remind myself that they are happy, healthy, and full of unconditional love for me…and beautifully, I have reached a point where I can say the same about myself… I too am happy, healthy, and full of love.

Enjoy life my friends. Take risks you may not normally take. Do things that make you feel like you are living and thriving. Don’t allow time to be the enemy… do things now…

Even in the simple things, live. Feel the sun shining… the breeze against your skin… smile… and laugh. Laugh often. We have one life.

How bout Some Bubble Gum Pop

I have this little addiction to bubble gum pop music and this song has been on my favs list since I first heard it.

No, it is not “Call Me Maybe”, though that tune is quite catchy when I am at the roller rink or ice skating rink…

This song is by Cher Lloyd… called Want U Back.

Nothin’ wrong with a little bubble gum pop from time to time…and hey, at least this time it isn’t Bieber. Bahahaha

Strong Person Award

I want to thank Marci, Mm172001’s Blog, for nominating me for this award. Not only is it an honor to be thought of for these things but it also spreads a good message. Mental health is very important and it needs to be looked upon without sneers, fear, and side way glances. It is a real crisis that needs more attention and less stigmatism. Please check out Marci’s blog. She does many posts about mental health but has also began to evolve in her writings and adding more to it.

 

You heard me right! You are not weak, you are strong. You are not a failure, you are a fighter! This goes out to all mentalists. And it’s a gift from me (The Quiet Borderline) to you all – Please spread the love. Mental health is not something to be sneered at and it deserves much more respect. Stop the stigmatising. (I know that some of you that I have linked to at the bottom are not ‘mentalists’. You have just great blogs, so I wanted to award you as a strong person!)

So, this is a little something different than usual, lets start with the rules.

1. Make sure to add in the above text and image (below) to spread the love and add how little or how much you want!
2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them.
3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like!
4. Send this on to as many, yes, as many, people that you like. It can be five, ten, fifty.

*I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder- A little info about bipolar, a little something I wrote while manic… Tingles. From a sensory point of view.

I have been on so many meds for this that it isn’t even funny. I have been on wellbutrin, serzone, celexa, lexapro, depakote, zoloft, trazedone, ambien, lunesta, lithium, respiridone, tegretol, Buspar, and now I am currently on Lamictal, Haldol, and Klonopin.

* I am also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder… Borderline Personality Disorder Criteria and Me. This one is where therapy comes in the most (in particular DBT). My therapist said that our brains are wired to react a certain way to events… for regular Jane or Jon Doe, they can keep their emotions within a small range when dealing with emotions. Those with BPD cannot stay within those normal limits and surpass the cut off… that is why we have a hard time regulating our moods. But through lifelong therapy, we can retrain our brains to react within “normal” limits. Therapy has been a Godsend for me when it comes to this.

* Also diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD)… this one pretty much explains itself.

These disorder affect my life greatly. I have to consider them in every decision that I must make… and I have to make the decision slowly to ensure that I am not making it while in the throes of an episode. It also affects my love life. I have to let the person I am dating know about it… have to make sure he is aware and explain certain things so that it is not a surprise or something to be kept “secret”. I was in denial long enough… I refuse to go back to that.

Everyday I fight. I wake up hating to swallow pills every single day, but I do it because I know that it is what I must do to remain mentally and physically healthy. I have also begun incorporating some exercise, and eating better, (at the suggestion of someone amazing)… to help my body help my brain. I won’t ever give up… I can’t.

Me… with my new luscious raspberry hair. ♥

There’s so many I would like to pass this on to… with how hectic life has been, I will pick a few that come off the top of my head.

 Stronghold

 Mortal Hearts With Immortal Souls

Letters To Dom

alltheavenueslookugly

Seasons Change and so have I

 

Let Things Flow ~ Lao Tzu


Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~ Lao-Tzu

Resistance to what “is” causes much unwanted heartache. I have mentioned it time and again… and it is an excellent point worth mentioning often.

Change is absolutely inevitable. There is no way to stop change from occurring in any aspects of our lives. As I have learned again, very recently, even the best laid plans with the greatest of intentions can be derailed. Not always in a bad way, but, like my case, even “good” derailments come along. What is the best reaction?? Re-evaluate, and then go with the flow.

Sometimes unexpected events, people, or “life changes” will make an entrance into our lives. This is nothing to fear or any reason to beat ourselves up over… life throws curve balls. The best option is to look at the “unexpected” non-judgmentally… look at it with an open mind and with an open heart. Ask yourself if it is adding or taking away from the quality of your life and then react accordingly. Obviously, something that causes a change that is not good for you, or is unhealthy for who you are, must be dealt with accordingly. But something that unexpectedly pops up into your bubble… if this something is good… be open, be mindful, be accepting to the possibility that, though it wasn’t originally in your plans, your plans can be changed.

Go with the flow. You may enjoy where it leads.

Wrapped Around Your Finger…

Bound. Naughty straps

to hold me down…

hurt me

squeeze me

tease me

please me

Teach me things, your perfect doll.

Flip my world

Upside down.

Pulses racing. Every inch of me

on fire… blazing.

show me

teach me

choke me

slap me

Train my mind just right.

Wet, raining, lust raging…

wrapped around your finger…

so tight.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Sex and Orgasms

 

Wouldn’t you love this to be a dirty little post?? LOL, I assure you that it is not. It is however going to touch a little bit on the link between antidepressants and the inability to reach orgasm. I am sure that many of you on certain antidepressants (Celexa, Zoloft, Paxil, etc.) have experienced this nuisance when it comes to your medications. The same thing tends to happen to me when on pain medication as well. It is horrible.

Not only is the ability to reach an orgasm a joke, but so is the sexual drive. It became, for me, nearly nonexistent. It did not matter to me at all if I had any type of sex or affection… I could literally go without it for MONTHS at a time and not think anything of it. I simply did not, could not, would not get aroused.

Then again, while on Welbutrin (a type of antidepressant that does not have any affect on your sex drive), I was a raging sexual lunatic. However, it was also making me hypo-manic and I wasn’t aware that I was Bipolar at the time. The Docs had no clue either as this was 12 years ago when I first began my mental health journey. So I could have been the raging sexual lunatic because the meds did not negatively affect my sex drive, and because mania seems to increase my sex drive.

Sadly, some people experience post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD) after stopping the use of these antidepressants that do a number to their sex drive. The reason why is not readily known. Orgasms, of course, are linked to specific areas in our brains…and what do we know about our brains?? Not a whole lot… though researchers are learning more and more all the time.

What do I find even more interesting?? Non-genital orgasms. Yes, people have these. Some people have orgasms from their nipples, hands, and feet… while some have claimed to have an orgasm from a “phantom limb”… or anywhere other than their genitals. Again this is linked to the brain. More needs to be learned.

Specifically, since I am not on any SSRI‘s (most of us who are Bipolar will be catapulted into mania with the use of antidepressants, so we cannot use them), I have not had any problems with reaching orgasms once my body became acclimated to the medication. The drive for sex is another issue. Slight cases of feeling “blue” certainly drain any desire or energy.

What interests me most is the non-genital orgasms. I will be researching more of this, and I will happily post what I find. ♥

How Stuff Works

The World Is A Conveyer Belt Buffet

Hahahaha!!! So, as I was having a conversation with one of my roommates, we got into the topic of relationships. Ya know, the “love” kind… “she likes him, he likes her, or maybe she likes her”… etc.

Me “falling” for someone, or getting all puppy dog love sick just isn’t going to happen… not anytime soon anyhow.

Lust… perhaps. Love… absolutely not.

I do not have the desire, and the mind games are just too much for me. I know, I know… true relationships with good intentions will not have mind games, blah, blah… I hear ya.

So we were discussing this, and I said flat out, “I do not want to settle down in any way, shape, or form. I am on a road to self discovery which means I want to do alot of discovering”. LOL, no, this does not mean I want to be a promiscuous little hussy, but I do want to learn more about WHO I am. I want to know what makes Bipolarmuse tick, what I want, what I like, what makes my world a better place. I want to be in love with myself! THEN, I will allow someone into my life who compliments the person I am and the journey I am on.

Until then: THE WORLD IS A CONVEYER BELT BUFFET

Bahahahaha!!!

Thank you my Roomie for the best laugh of the night.

Sleep Malfunction

 

Lovely. So I just posted the Psychosis article a couple days ago, and I have been trying to do some analyzing over why I am hearing these soft sounds play in my head, and in doing so, came to the conclusion that I have been relatively “stress free” since my move. I now laugh at that statement because I know myself all to well, and I will be the first to tell you that stress manifests itself in my body FIRST and that is how I recognize it is even there.

Stress will manifest as a sick stomach, high blood pressure, sleep loss, panic attacks, general anxiety, and I guess I can now add psychosis to that little list.

I must honestly say that I believe the move has gone well. I have seen a-lot of my big kids and have managed to schedule a visit to the babies for 11 days next month!!! (29 days to go!) I guess my biggest stress is money… but I have managed thus far.

Now I have noticed a second clue to my “stress” which is my sleep pattern. I have gone from sleeping very well…literally out like a light and sleeping about 9 hours, occasionally more (which is not odd for me)… to tossing and turning and waking up many times in the middle of the night. The sleep issue reared it’s head about Thursday night, so it has lasted nearly a week.

With Bipolar Disorder, sleep patterns and GETTING sleep is highly important. (Sleep and Mood Disorders) When your not getting enough sleep, this usually will trigger a manic episode, which of course, needs to be prevented. Even on meds, when triggered, mania is possible… as is depression. I would like to hope that since I have been taking my medications like a good girl, if mania does strike, it will not be severe and it should be short lived. This is my hope.

So my plan?? Try to get into a PDoc (I am having a tough time finding good resources for this service at a reduced cost), and tonight I plan to go through a nice pre-sleep ritual. Take a nice warm bath, drink some warm milk with a touch of sugar and cinnamon, read for a short time, take meds, turn the light out, place my eye covers over my eyes, and throw on my favorite lip gloss. As I lay there, I will focus on nothing but the moment and every time my mind wanders off to race (as it has been doing), I will reign it in and once again focus on the moment. How do I do this?? I like to imagine a soft light enveloping me, warming me… and I keep my mind focused on this light. Each time thoughts pop into my mind, or my mind wanders off, I bring it back to the soft, warm light.

Here’s to getting my sleep on track, and preventing a manic episode because what follows mania?? Depression… without fail. And THAT is the devil I don’t like to deal with the most. ♥

On second thought, I could be in the beginning stages of mania ALREADY. Agh. That is a different post altogether. Crossing my fingers that this isn’t the case, but it would certainly explain a few things.

Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award!

I want to thank Kim, Silently heard once, for gracing me with this awesome award. Please check out her blog and see what an amazing person that she is. I have been touched by her kindness and wisdom. Thank you so much Kim for thinking of me. ♥

Now for the rules:

A.  Thank the person who passed this award onto you… Thank you Kim!!!
B.  7 things about me
            1.    I love my short hair.
            2.    I love to learn new things.
            3.    I love to sing.
            4.    I enjoy my alone time.
            5.     I like the night and am in awe with the moon and stars.
            6.     I am an aries and it fits me well.
            7.    My earth element is fire, which also fits me well.  🙂

** I am breaking the rules by not nominating 7 more female bloggers. I love all the blogs I follow… please take this award for yourself if you want to participate. ♥ **

Bipolar Quote by Amy Reed

“I said just let me try one more time and she said, “THAT’S ENOUGH, ISABEL,” again, and she could just say it over and over and it would never get through my thick skull because I’m always wanting and wanting because nothing is ever enough you are never enough I am never enough I am never enough I AM NEVER ENOUGH.”
Amy Reed, Crazy

This section of the above quote stands out to me… “I’m always wanting and wanting because nothing is ever enough you are never enough I am never enough I am never enough I AM NEVER ENOUGH.”

“You are never enough, I am NEVER enough”. God, this sends bells ringing in my head because it really hits home. Bipolar disorder, when untreated, or not treated well, can certainly turn your life upside down and bring about a confusion that is so very hard to explain.

This hits home for me. Though at this moment I am feeling “content”, I remember very well the constant “want”, the feeling that the “want” could never be filled… that what I had was never enough…and then the ultimate self destructing thought that I was never enough. I was always lacking… I was a void. My life was not worth anything… I wasn’t worth anything.

Depression can do so many ugly things to you… it removes you of your personality, it removes the life from your eyes… bones… your beating heart…each breath. It completely breaks you down until you feel there is no reason to keep going on.

I know many do not understand mental disorders… but know that mood disorders are brutal. They devastate every aspect of ones life and leave behind destruction… it destroys that which was built with the best of intentions. Mood disorders are very often deadly. 30-70% of suicides victims have suffered from some sort of depression. (Web MD) That is a staggering statistic. These deaths could be prevented.

** When you look in that mirror and feels that you are not enough… know that you are not alone. Others have felt that horrible pain. Somehow, some way, try to find a light in that darkness and reach for it with all your strength. Seek that light wholeheartedly. Ask for help. Reach out. I know that this seems impossible… I know that it may seem pointless. BUT YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTH THE FIGHT. **

Allow me to be that example that there is hope. There is a light somewhere in all that darkness… I promise that it is there. If I could get to this point that I am at, anyone can. I have hit the lowest of lows. I have lived with mood disorders as long as I can remember, and with a medical paper trail for 12 years.

Never give up. I believe in you.

Men, Boys… Boys, Men

 

I have seriously got to get over my thing for younger guys. SERIOUSLY. I am not talking about cradle robbing perversion… but too young for my age and goals. I have only dated a couple men my age and the rest are generally 5 or more years younger. I believe it is partially because I attract younger men and partially because they attract me. Don’t get me wrong… I have seen some men my age and older that get my attention, but they are far and few in between.

Why??

I don’t know.

Maybe it has something to do with the thought that a younger man will be less permanent because their goals are much different from mine… so it is a security thing for me because I don’t have to deal with the seriousness of a “real potential” type of relationship. Then again, I just got out of a relationship with a man 5 yrs younger than me that wanted the same things but for reasons too heavy for me to accept, I ended it.

The younger guys have got to go.

There must be a reason I choose “unavailable” men… and tend to like them a hell of a-lot more.

Time to Psychoanalyze myself.