Oh Daddy

Oh Daddy, how I need to forgive…

Remove this condescending mind.

Just sit with you on that bench…

Hold your hand and cry.

Oh Daddy, I can now understand…

Your fall from grace was not intentional.

This life was never in your plans…

It lost its spark, it lost its thrill.

Oh Daddy, I see pieces of me in you…

One mistake, one wrong turn.

I don’t need to walk in your shoes…

Understanding to well, the crash and burn.

Oh Daddy, I’m sorry you lost your way…

Your death on that bench, in that park.

As a homeless man, did you pray?

When you died alone, were we in your heart?

Oh Daddy, I hope that when you passed…

You could see in my heart, I understand.

© bipolarmuse 2012

The Sadness Always Comes

Yesterday we had to head out. Granted we stayed until the evening hoping that if both myself and the babies were headed out on a road trip… perhaps they would handle it better. They did. It was less painful only because I didn’t have to see them crying their eyes out. They had tears in their eyes but also excitement for their trip to AR. It is funny because they LOVE AR. LOL. One day I will be living there as well because their Father will be retiring there to be near family. My hope is that I can convince my Mom and Step-Dad to move with me and we all live happily ever after!

That truly is my hope. LOL. I am a simple girl… not asking for much, right? 😀  I can live close to my babies and see fireflies every night. To me…sounds like my heaven. ♥

We stopped and got a hotel room and still have 8 hours of driving today. Piece of cake. I am happy that I have had no problems with my car (knock on wood). I bought it Feb. 29th with MANY miles on it. I have had good luck with Subaru’s though and even though it already has nearly 200,000 miles on it… you would never know it aside from the fact that the driver side window sometimes does not work… or that the keyless lock does not work on the passenger door. LOL

I feel a bit blue but my meds are definitely “numbing” me. That… or perhaps knowing that I will see the little ones soon (hopefully in August) and that I will be near my big kiddos in a week is helping me to keep my emotions in check. Perhaps it is because I feel hopeful. ♥ I kind of forgot what hopeful felt like. My move that will take place next week is exciting for me… one step closer to my kids…and a single step to being near the babies as well. All in baby steps.

I never do “goodbyes”… only “see you soon.”

 

Life Expectancy

As I have done research about Bipolar disorder… I have found some interesting statistics.

One that I want to share with you is that of life expectancy. Those with Bipolar disorder have a reduced life expectancy by 10-15 years. A woman’s life expectancy is approximately 81.3 years of age while a mans is 76.5 .

So, assuming that I make it to old age… I will pass away earlier than the average woman…

What contributes to this? People with this disorder often die prematurely due to heart disease, cancer, and strokes. They are less likely to take care of themselves medically.

Please read this article, I found it very informative: Mentally Ill Have Reduced Life Expectancy, Study Finds.

Not to mention that those with mood disorders have a high suicide rate…approximately 1 out of 5 people with mood disorders will complete suicide. ONE out of FIVE.

And of course… the meds I take have a nice little disclaimer that it may cause “sudden death”. Rare as it may be… it can happen.

Educate, Educate, EDUCATE. 🙂

 

A Little Info about Bipolar Disorder

 

Bipolar Disorder is still not widely understood. How do we get it? Is it handed down? Spontaneous selection? It is well known that this disorder is one that can be handed down through our family. Approximately half the people who have bipolar disorder have a family member with a mood disorder. A person with ONE parent who has bipolar disorder has a 15-20% chance of having the condition. Twins have about a 25% chance of getting the condition whereas identical twins, in which one has the disorder, the other identical twin has a greater risk of developing the illness (about an eightfold greater risk than a nonidentical twins).  So this proves greatly that the disorder indeed “runs in the family” and is genetic.

“Another cause is Neurochemical.  Bipolar disorder is a biological disorder that occurs in a specific area of the brain and is due to the dysfunction of certain neurotransmitters, or chemical messengers, in the brain. These chemicals may involve neurotransmitters like norepinephrine, serotonin and probably many others. As a biological disorder, it may lie dormant and be activated on its own or it may be triggered by external factors such as psychological stress and social circumstances.” ~ Psych Central

Environmental factors include life altering events that triggers the dormant bipolar illness. Hormonal changes, drug and alcohol abuse also contribute to an “episode” even if there is no biological factor.

Medication can trigger mania! This happened to me when the norm to treat bipolar was to prescribe antidepressant along with a mood stabilizer. That should have been a clue to me that the disorder had progressed. Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Celexa all triggered manic episodes that lasted months on end. Antidepressants are not the only cause for mania… there are many over the counter medications that can trigger mania one being appetite suppressants. For myself, my thyroid medication can induce mania…as well as Trazadone.

Scientists have been studying the brain activity of people with mood disorders… comparing them to people with no history of mood disorders. Though this seems promising and would help to prove that the disorder certainly is “chemical”… there is some speculation that the images may be different in those with mood disorders only because they are less active. Definitely something to look into.   The brain on the left is someone who lives with a mood disorder like depression and the brain on the right is from somebody who has no history of mood disorders.

Still, much needs to be learned about this disorder to help the people living with it. What ever the reason we have it, we have it and must learn to live with it.

I quoted this information from Psych Central. Please educate yourself, learn more about what you live by. ♥

Thrive

I keep searching, though it is lost…

unable to be found.

Karma swiftly made its way back around.

All the promises ripped to shreds…

Force them down my throat…

I will choke on all the lies… be fed.

Take note that I have loved you…

my whole life long.

Tears don’t make me weak, but strong.

Listen to my heart speaking your name

You strayed too far…

I waited …but you never came.

I turn to run, as I know how…

the wind at my back.

I reclaim my heart…it is for me to have.

Tell me, am I ever on your mind…

In your sleep, your dreams?

Can you taste the sweet taste as I thrive?

© bipolarmuse 2012

Changes… Rebirth Of An Eagle…

As I have mentioned… huge changes are coming for me. Decisions I had to consider at length and be sure that I was making a logical choice. In just a couple weeks I will be moving back to Las Vegas… my home town.

I have been in AZ for a little more than a year and have enjoyed being closer to my family. It is with a heavy heart that I will be leaving them, yet I am happy to return to my “home” and to my oldest children. My life is certainly unpredictable but I know that this decision to live in Las Vegas for the next two years is a logical move for me. I get to see my oldest children through their last couple years of school… then afterwards, who knows what is to come. I would like to plan on moving to my younger children 2 years down the road… and while it is a goal in sight…like I said, I cannot predict the future. I can set goals and make plans… and then take this ride of life and see where I end up.

Change is good. While I am a bit nervous about the move, I am also very happy and confident with my choice.

I want to share this video with you… it is sooooo inspirational and really is amazing. I originally saw it on Celeste’s blog, Mortal Hearts With Immortal Souls… and was in awe. Please take a moment to watch this video… you will be inspired. ♥

How Does It Feel?

You crushed my heart, my soul, with such brute force.

My world upside down, turned around…spinning.

Did you not see that I gave you the world?

Forever has now become an ending.

~

Like a dark force in the black of the night…

You crushed and destroyed, shook my very faith.

A blade pressed to my throat, my heart…my life…

I search for the answers lost in your face.

~

With one chance, one wish… I’d change all for you…

Leave what I have held important to me.

Kindly give “us”, “me”, the chance to start new.

You refuse to budge so I set you free.

~

How does it feel now that my love is gone…

That my heart now beats to another song.

© bipolarmuse 2012

William Shakespeare Quote

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind…” ~ William Shakespeare

I have always loved this. I had this phrase engraved on a “wrist-locket” that I purchased my oldest daughter years ago, to remind her that though we lived many miles apart and only got to see one another a few times a year… my love was always with her.

Of course, this quote pertains to all of my children.

As the day quickly approaches when I must part from my little ones… I am trying with all my strength to remain “in the moment” and enjoy “right now” instead of projecting forward to the sadness and pain to come. My little ones also have a hard time remaining in the present but each time they stray ahead to when we leave, I bring them back to the wonderful moment we are in. Not an easy task let me tell you… and many tears have already fallen, but what matters is that we are trying.

One day life will not be this way… but for now, I must make the most of what I have. That is the absolute best that I can do at this time and the best is all that I can do.

Have a beautiful week my friends. Stay “present” and rejoice in this moment.

Solemn Eyes ~ Haiku

Red watery eyes

“I want you here forever”

My heart and soul aches

© bipolarmuse 2012

** Out of the mouth of my youngest daughter. She was having a very sad moment as we were enjoying a little time together and in such a soft singsong voice she said, “I want you here forever”. Me too baby girl… Me too. **

Whispers ~ Haiku

Whispers in the night

“I love you so much Mommy”

Tears silently fall

© bipolarmuse 2012

I sleep between both my little ones when I visit. My daughter likes to cuddle for a moment and then she rolls over and goes to sleep.

My son likes me to hold him and cuddle him. I put my arm around him and he rests his head on my shoulder. Just as we were falling asleep… his eyes closed… he whispers “I love you so much Mommy”. As I held him, the warm tears slid down my cheeks. I sing to him this little song from my favorite children’s book “Love You Forever“.

**I love you forever

I like you for Always

As long as I am living

My baby you will be.**

Texas

I am here in Texas enjoying every second of my time. My children and I took some pictures yesterday and plan a little outting to their favorite place on earth: Chuck-e-Cheese. LOL

Getting here was fairly easy… I had a map-quest printout, GPS, and a real map… just in case. I only slept about 2 hours total on the ride here and we were in the car for 24 hours (that time includes stopping for gas/eating/breaks). My oldest son helped quite a bit and drove many hours for me. I plan on utilizing him on the way home much more than I did on the way here. It is a pretty easy straight shot on the I-10. 🙂

I last saw the 2 little babies in February and I can’t begin to tell you how much they have grown these last 4 months. They are both taller, smarter, more witty, and as usual…. full of smiles.

Good times! Wish we never had to leave.

Pin Spin?

I have made it to Las Vegas and I am spending time with my oldest son (my oldest daughter is at work). This bonding time is awesome.

We have been listening to music and I have learned that he is a fan of classical music… Beethoven and the like.

Another thing he introduced me to is this new trend… check out the video below. Kids are so inventive. LOL

You don’t need to watch but a minute of this video… it is called PenSpin

Far Too Long – Haiku

Missing you so long

Fate took a painful wrong turn

The right is restored

I dedicate this poem to some special family in my life who I have missed most of my life. We were out of touch for far too long. I am ecstatic that… even though disaster separated us… we have found our way back into each-others life. Even if contact is far and few between, the love remains.

Life has some horribly wicked turns… but there is always a light to guide us.

…Be Present… Be Free

I’m alive… so high I can reach the sky…

This electricity flowing through me…

A million sparks firing in my mind.

~

My arms reaching out to you…

So close… nearly close enough to touch.

This fire blazing… for you…

~

I hold tight to every moment we create

Memorize each second… every touch…

Every kiss… every feature of your face.

~

For a spell I will forget, let go, release…

The pain of the moment when we will have to part…

I will live in today… be present… be free…

~

Slow down each and every nanosecond…

Slow them down to create a year.

Bask in your love… enjoy every piece of my heaven.

© bipolarmuse 2012