This was the last time I was with all my children at the exact same time. It was Dec. 2010. So this upcoming visit has been a long time in the making. I can’t wait to enjoy the time with the four of them… to play “Razorback football” in the back yard, which the little ones are quite good at playing. They are even good at playing the referee and blowing their “whistles”…. whistles being 2 fingers in their mouth and they make a very high pitched whistle type sound… like a scream of sorts. LOL. And the bigger kids are always game to humor the little ones… I can’t wait to go to some place pretty and take pictures…. Maybe the Chinese Gardens again. 🙂
I simply can’t wait to be surrounded by my loves. ♥
When I woke up, I must admit there was a heaviness in my heart. I am worried about the trip to see my babies. I have had my car since the end of February and it runs very well. It is a Subaru Legacy (a type of car I have previously owned and had wonderful luck with), it is a great car but it has nearly 200,000 miles on it… probably why I got such a good deal on it. LOL.
My trip to TX and back will be approximately 2600 miles. I will be traveling with my 2 oldest children (16, and 17) and will be switching off driving with my son who is a GREAT driver during the longest stretch of the journey to make good time.
All of a sudden I began to panic. What if the car breaks down? What if I get a flat? What if I don’t have enough money to cover the gas. What if, what if, what if?!
While these are valid concerns… they should not affect my mood of the day… or send me into a panic.
After some assurances, I have calmed down and I am just going to go with it. I will get my car serviced and looked over for any possible “foreseeable” issues… I will have enough money… and I will STOP worrying this instant. I will enjoy the excitement of having all my children together with me. ♥
Today is a beautiful day.
In a few weeks I will be with all of my children having the most amazing time.
Remember my friends…. worrying like this is not good for us and it sneaks up sometimes when we are not aware. Recognize the signs and squash it. Taking necessary steps to a goal is one thing… allowing your brain to panic and cause much distress is another.
Being aware and “in the moment” is where we need to be. ♥
I don’t want to beat it like a dead horse… but today will be dedicated to B… real name Brandon. There, I said it. I feel such a release just saying his name. This man produced unimaginable feelings in me and still does.
I dedicate this song to him… it was a favorite of his. He had a superman tattoo (please keep the chuckles to a minimum)… and I vividly remember when he got it done and showed it to me. He got it bellow his belt line… need I say more?? Needless to say I punched him right in the same spot. Yes, he evoked violence in me.
So… here is to you Brandon… Kryptonite…. Three Doors Down.
Meet B. As you can tell, this photo is not in the best quality at all. Sadly… I barely have any pictures of him left. 3 to be exact and the other 2 are with his son, so though they are better pictures, out of respect to others, I felt a pic of B by himself is the best option.
It is funny… in this picture he clearly smokes, but after he and I started dating, he never smoked…at least not to my knowledge. LOL.
This day, May 29th, is the 10 year anniversary of his suicide. He died sometime at night (details are now fuzzy), but the 30th is the day I found out and the 30th marks the day my world drastically changed for me mentally.
I hope he has found the peace he was always searching for. I hope his pain is gone and that his mind, heart, and soul is healed.
** This is a little excerpt of my life that took place in the year 2000. The story is true to my memory and feelings in that moment. Thank you for taking the time to read… it truly means a-lot to me. **
To you… my world I give.
I am the Grinch when it comes to Christmas… yet this year feels a bit different.
B and I have had the money to get gifts for both our families and it hasn’t been stressful at all.
My stress comes when I try to figure out what to get B. What do you get someone who essentially has had everything. It feels like an impossible task.
What am I to give this man who I adore? This man that drives me absolutely nuts…
I have already proposed to him and we are beginning to plan the wedding… but for a gift, I am baffled.
I know…. I have the only thing he has never been given.
I wait anxiously for B to set out our gifts.
I get lost in his movements, in his eyes, his voice. He is dressed well… wearing a sweater that I love. His cologne fills the air and I am just sickly in love with this man.
I stare at him as he grabs the main gift I have gotten for him.
He stares at it oddly for a moment and then reads the tag aloud…
– To you… My world I give. I love you B. –
He looks at me and then unwraps the gift.
His eyes start to brim with tears… he looks at me, his hands slightly trembling.
“…love is a chemical imbalance, too. That perilous highs and desperate lows and extravagant flurries of mood are not always symptoms of a broken mind, but signs of a beating heart.” Terri Cheney
Absolutely! So how do we know when one begins and the other ends?
Life is suppose to come with ups and downs… that is life. Being blue/melancholy is a normal response to sad events… even to change in general. Anyone with a beating heart will experience the highs and lows of life. So why are some people different.
My therapist explained that we feel in different degrees. That most people respond to sadness and happiness to a certain degree within a certain range, and then others with mood disorders have a hyper-sensed sadness and happiness that goes beyond the normal range. We go above and beyond the norms.
To separate the normal swings from the abnormal can at times be difficult to differentiate.
As I mentioned before, I am piecing together a poetry book. I have decided (most likely anyhow) to use a Lulu template. Since this poetry book is not going to be a normal style book, I will pay a higher fee, which is fine by me.
I would love your input on what I am choosing. First off, keep in mind that my main goal for this book is to have it on my own shelf and if anyone ever purchased it, that would just be a bonus to me.
My plan is to have the book in a “landscape” format, and to add some pictures to certain poems. I want this book to be more of a “coffee table” style book. The cost for a hardback is considerably higher.
So I guess my questions are:
If you purchased a poetry book… would you enjoy the different size? Landscape verses square?
Would it matter if it were a soft cover?
Would you enjoy it being a small number of pages (say 28 pages, have to end on an even number because I am odd like that)?
I want the book to feel “intimate” if that makes any sense.