A Lovely Week

I have been MIA for a short time having a great time playing tourist and chillaxin with the big kids.
We have been having a blast! I wanted to assure those who have messaged or emailed me that all is good and I will be doing major damage control on my blog after this weekend. 🙂
So you may ask “what does one do in Las Vegas early on Saturday morning˝… not long ago,  this was my normal time for stumbling in… haha. Today I am sitting in a lovely Viagra shirt loaned to me by my daughter…sippin juice…and listening to Boyfriend by Justin Bieber. DON’T JUDGE ME. Hahaha!
Hope you all have as lovely of a weekend as me.

Lets have a good laugh!

Ok, so maybe not a good laugh but a nice quote and a funny picture.

I have this on my person facebook page as one of my positive affirmations. When I was struggling, at my worst with my disorder and the way my life crumbled around me due to my own stupidity, I would cling to any source of inspiration and hope. I hope it offers you a smile as well….

Tell everyone you know: “My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.” And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel-and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good.’ Esther Abraham-Hicks

Another Time and Place

Another Time and Place

In  another time and place, another world…

I could remain a “constant”…

Instead I move at a quick pace,

At lightening speeds I attempt to run…

A runner I have been, a runner I have become.

Somewhere in this universe…

Perhaps there is another “me”.

One of confidence, of trust,

Full of glorious love.

One not lacking in stability.

Maybe in some dimension in space,

I realize that who I am, in the here and now,

Is who I am to be, with head held high…

Moving forward in growth, growing in life.

In this space: yesterday, today, tomorrow, I embrace.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Today is Amazing!

Sleep has been eluding me and I am sure it is med related. So either my body is adjusting to the new dose OR it is a bit of hypo-mania sneaking in. I still cannot tell but it “feels” more like hypo-mania because of the “tingling” sensations so common for me as I get closer to mania, and while in a state of mania.

But I must say I have been feeling GOOD! I have been full of jokes and laughing allot. I laughed so hard yesterday I had tears… and that has been rare. I can think of one blog post that has done that to me lately and other than that, no tears while laughing my arse off. Even better is that the “laughs and smiles” are random. They are not forced by watching or reading something… I catch myself with a little smile as I do my walking outside and I have MISSED that. I truly thought it was gone forever so I am happy that it is coming back to me.

Maybe this med dose will do the trick. At this point, I am not trying to get completely med free…just “feel” more. I am tired of feeling nothing… of lacking desire for everything… to do anything.

I must admit I feel like an old person because I bought my first pill splitter. I finally broke down and got one. Knives are not cutting it anymore and with my clumsy self, I would end up chopping a finger off eventually. HAHAHA

One thing I have learned about life is to take everything in stride. Today I am slapping stupid bipolar in the face instead of the other way around. Today is an AMAZING day. ♥

Jimmy Dean Quote

“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination”. ~ Jimmy Dean

No matter what life throws at us, we are able to adapt and overcome whatever obstacle comes our way. It all will depend on how we “think”… our though process. No matter what road we take, each can lead to where we want to be. Never lose sight of your goals, even the most simple ones.

My goal daily is to wake up and say “Today is a beautiful day”, it is a small goal, yes. However, when I do this whether I “believe” it or not, just the verbal affirmation will help positivity trickle in.

Never lose hope… when needed, change direction. Never stop moving forward and growing. Hope is around every corner. ♥

This Fire Inside

This Fire Inside

This fire inside…bursting, tingling, burning…

Through every inch of me.

Each vein pumped with your sweet, licking flames.

Fervency tickling, enticing,

My fickle brain.

This fire inside… has not been irrecoverable…

Oh how I have missed you so.

Your lovely intoxicating sting,

Feverishly you flow…

Back to life, I feel passionately.

This fire inside… I have loved for so long…

Now singing notes of a missing song.

Your intensity, I loved from the start.

Evoking passion, your white heat is not wrong.

This fire inside, the beat of my heart.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Naughty, Naughty…Silly Meds!

It is perfectly fine to hope and dream…and to wish.

So, lately I have had a surge of wonderful energy… energy that I have been missing for almost a year now and I believe I know why.

I will share my naughty secret but please do not judge me…. I cut my med dosage in half not very long ago and I can feel life trickling back into my veins. I know… naughty, naughty, tisk, tisk, slap, slap… for being my own Doc and lessening my dosage. In the last couple days I have joined a gym worked out at the gym and at home and I feel like my bubbly, silly humor is creeping back into this numb brain.

Am I on the way to hypo-mania?? Or is this simply the wonderful balance of meds combined with feeling good about myself for feeling hopeful and inspired?? I do not know the answer yet, but I am sure the truth will come out very soon.

Naughty pills dulling my head. I want to feel SOMETHING… not just the everyday living of life. I want loud ridiculous laughs, my silly mannerisms, ecstatic happy moments, and yes… even those down moods. I just don’t want them in their severity.

Right now I am feeling A-OK and I will continue on this path. It is perfectly fine to hope and dream…and to wish.

If a readjustment is needed, I am not afraid to do so. ♥

TAG!!! You are it Yo!!

Tag, You’re It!

In this posting game, I have been tagged by LuLu, who writes As The Pendulum Swings…and Marci, who writes Mm172001’s Blog. I will answer their questions in order, LuLu’s first, then Marci’s.

  1. Post the rules that are a part of this game
  2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged
  3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post
  4. Let them know you’ve tagged them! (but of course)

The Questions!!!

  1. Scenario.  You are in your house and a fire breaks out.  You have five minutes to grab things, and then you have to get out.  What do you take? – Assuming all humans are out… 1) my fatty pant dog, 2) box of pictures, 3) My adidas shoes, 4) my fairies, 5) journals and poetry books, 6) my box of important “stuff”, 7) all evidence I started the fire. LOL…. kidding.
  2. What would you do with a billion dollars? – Get custody of my kids, buy a small house where their Dad plans to retire, put some $ in savings and bank the rest for med checks.
  3. Do you have an unpopular opinion?  What is it?- Regarding suicide. I think every one has the right to die but I believe all options should be exhausted first… which will take a long time. It would not be an impulsive decision.
  4. What do you think your five most unusual quirks are?- I NEVER act serious,
  5. Do you think that you could ever kill a person, given the right circumstances?- I use to think “no”, then my son was brutally abused and now I think “absogoshdarnlutely”.
  6. What are your thoughts on astrology, extraterrestrials, and the supernatural?- Aries describes me to a gosh dang “T” (how do they do that?), I don’t wanna see Aliens but I am sure that it is not just us out here, and I feel I have experienced supernatural though I think most of the time, it is not a good thing.
  7. What was the last lie you told?- That I didn’t have half an hour to wait to speak to someone at the gym… I simply did not want to.
  8. What does the word “hate” mean to you?- Foaming at the mouth, fighting with all your strength to stay away from the jugular vein on that someones neck, a vile darkness that seeps into you that can sometimes linger. An emotion you have to fight back on.
  9. Contrastingly, what does the word “love” mean to you?- Love “sees” and accepts, it shines down on everyone if you are willing to see it. Love is power and beauty and grace. Love gives you wings to soar. Love heals.
  10. What is your definition of cheating?- Eating a nice steak after vowing to be a vegetarian.
  11. Are you particular or picky about anything?  If so, what?- I like my candy to be chocolate, my water to be Aquafina, and I like glitter, eye glitter that is loose, not sticky icky.

2nd Set of questions!

1. If you could go back and tell your younger self something.  What age would you go back to and what would you say? – I would go back to me at birth and tell myself to crawl back in… no harm in hiding.

2.  Favorite food.- OOOoooo, Steaks (Filets please) and good Mexican enchiladas. OOOooo, and lobster and crab. Yummmmm.

3. When did you start your blog? Why?  And has the purpose changed as time has?- It was April 23, 2010 through a different blog host…so glad I transferred everything here. I started it 5 months after my son was abused, I hit rock bottom and was about to lose therapy so I decided to blog as a way of getting all the yucky stuff out that needed to vacate my mind.

4. What do you think your best character trait is?- Bravery. Not brave as in… to jump out of a plane with a parachute… but brave enough to look life in the eye and to openly admit and realize the mistakes I have made. I do not hide behind “ignorance”. And I have the bravery to put one foot in front of the other to work on changing myself.

5. What do you think is your worst character trait?- I lack self esteem.

6. What is the last thing you read? – Currently I am reading 4 books: The Book of Secrets, A Nora Roberts love novel, a vampire book, and The War of Art.

7. Hero?- Me… I am still alive.

8. How much time do you spend on the internet in an average day?- Waaaaaaaay to much!! LOL. I am getting a gym membership today!

9. If you had to chose only one social issue to fight for what would it be?- Suicide Awareness and Prevention. Yes, I believe in the right to die. BUT I believe that ALL options should be exhausted FIRST. Which would include intervention, prevention, education.

10. If you could live anywhere, where and why? – The Oregon coast line. or a tropical beach. The ocean calls out to me and soothes my soul, calms my head. There is something very therapeutic about it for me.

11. If you could chose to have the power to read people’s minds/know their thoughts, would you choose to?  It’s not something you could turn on or off, you have it or don’t.  Why?- Nope, don’t want it. It would be the same as feeling peoples negative energy emanating from their bodies. People have very sick minds and I want no part.

Now, my questions…   🙂 Don’t hate.

1. How do you feel about Capital Punishment??

2. Would you want to be cremated or freeze dried? The option will soon be available according to the book “Stiff”.

3. Would you donate your body to the “Bodies” exhibit in Las Vegas at the Luxor casino?

5. If you could have one wish, what would it be?

6. Glitter or Adidas Superstars?! (I go with both).

7. Hillary or Sarah??

8. You are on a stranded Island, you already have rum (because I am nice)…which other 3 things would be essential for you?

9. Do you believe in monogamy?

10. Is it possible to have PLATONIC friends of the opposite sex?

11. Do you believe in 1 soul mate or that we could have many out there??

Now, I would love to nominate everyone for this because I WANT to hear the answers.  🙂 However, anyone who reads this and wants to participate, do it. I will not make any nominations but I hope some of you will find this to be a fun game to play!! Pretty Please…

“Hello, Hello”?

Echos, the only voice I hear is my own.

“Hello”, “Hello”?, “Who can be the one to save me”?

To save, I say, is a triumph that must come…

        from the will of “me”.

“Hello”, “Hello”?, “do you see the devil too,

the darkness that shadows… menacingly invades”?

I see it dear ‘Me”, I say, the devil has no power over you

        No matter how easily it can persuade.

“Hello”, “Hello”?, “How do you know? Have the faith

that the devil is a losing entity, losing power”?

Dear me, I say, I know it to be so because of you…

        You are emitting light and power…we no longer cower.

© bipolarmuse 2012

 

 

Ripples

**In a gentle way, you can shake the world.**

Mahatma Ghandi

When I found this quote it made me stop and say “YES”! I have often wondered what my life calling would be, and I have ALWAYS wanted to be a Psychologist. After thinking about it recently, I have began to think that my calling may be different, yet I do not know how to go about accomplishing what my calling may be.

I think that, perhaps, I am meant to give a “voice” to those of us who suffer from mood disorders… or that I am meant to give hope and inspiration to those in need of a mental boost. How I accomplish this… I do not know. I do notice that even when I am in the throes of despair, finding inspiration to share makes me feel better and that I often get comments from others saying that they “needed the inspiration” that day. This “giving” makes me feel more joy and blessed to know that even when I suffer, I can offer hope to others.

So yes. In a gentle way, I can shake the world…. and I am.

μοῦσαι

μοῦσαι

This is the new tattoo I plan to get. It is a Greek word and I love Greek even though I certainly am not Greek in any way, shape, or form.

That being said, the word stands for “Muse”… very fitting I feel… even if I shall die an unpublished Muse. 🙂

The word just looks beautiful doesn’t it? Now I must figure out where I want to put it…possibly on the inside of my other wrist. Maybe down my rib cage. Hmmmm, it shall depend on how much pain I plan to endure. Ribs=PAIN.

 

Will You Ever

Will You Ever

Today your words cut at me…

Like a razor blade. Making me bleed

From the deepest depths of me.

Will you ever forget, or lessen the pain.

The threshing of your tongue, echo of blame…

Will it cease? Or in the least, lessen the sting.

I know who is. The one to rest this evil upon.

Will you see? That it is not the box that I stand on?

Can I help your heart, soul, and eyes to see beyond.

I stand in this place so very dark, with doubt and shame.

My protection should have held strong. I question if I am to blame.

Will your spirit forgive… see past the hurt, blame… my name.

I look to you for strength, purpose, and beauty…

Will you ever look toward me and ever see” just me”?

The one who sacrificed all… for you to be well and free.

Will you ever look to me again and only see your “Mommy”.

© bipolarmuse 2012

I was having a wonderful conversation with my youngest son who was abused when out of the blue he asked me why I took him to “Las Vegas” to be hurt by “Austin”. Of coarse I had no idea that he would he be abused by such a horrible person…. yet I am the one who has to answers the hard questions. I told him I was “sorry” and that I did not know he would get hurt… and that I NEVER wanted or knew he would get hurt. He then told me “Yea, I got allot of BooBoo’s”.

Can you imagine such a heart breaking conversation. There are so many people out there who ignore abuse or who are not fit to be parents at all. I adore my children… all of them. My son is one part of my heart and I have to convince him all the time that I NEVER intended for him to be hurt. Today… my heart broke… again.

He Gave Me Rainbows

He Gave Me Rainbows

My son was here for a few days to visit which I absolutely adored. We had fun, took pictures, acted silly, and I got some “real” hugs out of him.  🙂

While at my apartment… which I affectionately call the “ghetto”, we had some rain… not only did we see a rainbow, but it was a double rainbow. I wish you could tell in this picture but it is not showing through. It was beautiful. My visit with him was beautiful and I look forward to the time I get to spend with him and his sister… my eldest daughter. ♥

Time is precious… especially spent with those you love most.

Thank you my dear boy…

You brought me more happiness,

than I can explain.

A piece of bliss.

Love, Momma

FACEBOOK!

Ok my dear friends. I have set up a facebook page for bipolarmuse. It gives me more work to do, but how fun it will be! I am adding the code to my page as I type so YOU can “like” me if you have a FB.

Please do if you do…  🙂

 

And so, now I play…

Now I play “catch-up”…unlike the favorite red stuff called Ketchup.

Catch-up requires work… and lots of it. My son was here for a few days and during that time I did not get to read nor write and now I must suffer the consequences. 🙂 I feel as though I am never going to fully be on top of things so please forgive your posts that I have missed.  😦  Next week will be equally difficult as I will be gone for 4-5 days visiting the big kiddos. Perhaps at night I shall get to do some reading and what not, but I am speaking hopefully. Hahaha.

Have a happy Tuesday and I will try to get back to my regularly scheduled programming soon.  🙂