Singing a Lost Song

This bleeding, beating heart.

I have allowed it to drag me along.

Seeping warm salty tears…

Beating with a longing, losing beat.

For far too long, singing a lost song…

I can  no longer stand, where I once stood.

My knees buckle

Yet I hold my stance, Will not fall…

Though there was a time I once could, once would.

Every truth I thought was true,

Just ambiguity with a jagged edge…

Cut through. A devil with a silver tongue.

My bleeding heart, beating with devilish subterfuge.

I fight the wrongs…

This heart, no longer singing a lost song.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Teaching Children Mindfulness

As I am here with my children, of coarse it is a memorable, happy, loving experience. They are encompassing me with unconditional love, and the beauty of what life is for me. We cuddle, and I hold them in my arms while they fall asleep. We exchange many “love yous” and “miss yous”, and of coarse they ask me heart wrenching questions that instantly make me cry. Some tears just cannot be held back. Children are the most open of any age group, and bold in their questioning.

From the moment I get to them, their minds jumps forward to when I have to leave. They are very smart and realize, that for the time being, my time with them is limited. So they project to the future and become sad, and anxious, and their tears flow. It is absolutely heartbreaking and I am not able to hold my tears back either. I hold them and remind them that I love them so very much and I miss them every second I am away. I then ask them to please not worry about when I must leave, but to enjoy the moment.  The moment we have together right now is the most precious and we do not need to be sad and cry, but to be happy and have a great time together, whether we are simply watching cartoons or playing hide and seek. What we have in this moment is beautiful.

Though it is hard to say these things without a quivering voice and without tears streaming down my face, I must teach them… this moment is what we have… we must enjoy each and every second.

It is difficult, and being with them keeps me on the verge of tears, not willingly, but just as I came to visit… I will have to leave. Heartbreaking but true. I am staying in the moment though I must fight back my grief. I accept it… because it is what it is, for the time being .

I do hope my words touch somewhere in their heart and minds so that they don’t have to suffer unnecessarily… something I am continuously work on.

 

Love and light my friends…

I Cling

This spinning world… unpredictable,

yet a most wondrous scene.

I cling.

To love … capricious, astonishing…

growing, priceless, serene.

I cling.

With my glowing energy, growing inner spirit…

Selflessly to give.

I cling.

To this life, painful, with twists and turns…

Yet also with moments of bliss…

I can  cling.

© bipolarmuse 2012

Courage

I am on a most wonderful journey, in this life, with my babies…
Most beautiful and amazing forces in my life.
All four have that astonishing affect on me.
They are more than worth any amount of pain that I feel.
They are my hope.
They are precious and the most beautiful pieces of me…
Give me my most important attribute.
Courage.
They make the moon shine its light upon me,
The suns warm rays wrap me in its embrace.
They envelop me in love…
And make the stars wink at me.
They impart to me my mighty strength,
Even in darkness,
They give me
Courage.

© bipolarmuse 2012

A Quote About Madness

You always have the choice to move forward

I do not like using terms like “mad, or crazy” unless it is in reference to myself and in a joking manner. 🙂

That being said, I have found an interesting quote to share with you.

Mad is the man who is forever gritting his teeth against that granite block, complete and changeless, of the pastAntoine de Saint-Exupery quotes

Maybe I am taking this quote incorrectly but what I get from it is this… we become destructive and toxic to ourselves for continuing to go back and relive the pain of our past. It is futile. It is impossible to fix. It cannot be changed. So why do we keep these wounds open, pouring salt into them? To feel “something”? Why keep it real and fresh?? Do we feel that if we let it go, that maybe, just maybe… it was never ours at all?? I think of this often as I frequently visit my past, only to hurt myself by doing so. I need to stop this pattern and it is something that I practice daily. Sometimes a horrid thought will pop up in my mind and the tears just come… no stopping them. Sometimes I pull out of it by reminding myself that I cannot make it better. All I have is this day. And in this day, I have unlimited possibilities to prevent the past from reoccurring. To forge forward and create a better tomorrow.

Light and Love my Friends ♥

p.s. I would love to hear you thought about this quote… what you take from it.

Incredible Dream

I have had this recurring dream that absolutely fascinates me and I want to share it with you.

My Grandparents, Great Grandmother, Aunt and Uncle all lived on the same street just houses away from one another (this is truth, not part of the dream). Now, my Grandparents home was the most inviting, loving place I remember of all the other relatives houses. I still drive past it from time to time to reminisce as a matter of fact.

Now here is the dream… and I have had many.

I dream of the street and my family members houses. Yet everyone who appears to me in the dream has passed away. Sometimes I will walk up to them and have a specific conversation. For example, I had a dream of the ex who committed suicide. He was on the sidewalk in front of my Great Grandmothers house. He looked happy and seemed to have a glow about him.  He was dressed in the same fashion has he had while alive and I couldn’t get over the peace in his face. We spoke for a few minutes. He told me he felt great and that he wanted me to “let go… it was time”. He also told me that his cousin and wife (who I was close with as well) was pregnant again. He smiled and turned around and walked away from me. I had no desire to chase him… there was no anger in the dream, just calmness and awe. After the dream I called my good friend and told her about the dream… and she confirmed that they were indeed pregnant and had just found out not long before I called. Craziness! That was the only peaceful dream I had about him and I was glad that it ended on such a positive and peaceful note.

Another dream, I was watching an old neighbor that I knew since I was 4yrs old mowing his lawn. He was barefoot as he always had been and the green of the lawn had stained his feet, something I giggled about when I was a child… we both exchanged hellos and he went back to mowing his lawn. Not long after I had the dream, I told my Grandpa about it and he told me that the neighbor had passed away about a year previous to my dream, unbeknownst to me.

Then in another dream, I was in my grandparents home. I walked in through the front door to see the ex who died, and Aunts and Uncles who have passed away… my Grandparents and Great Grandparents as well. In this dream I could fly and float throughout the house. Many loved ones who had passed away were in this house. I was in awe… not in fear…and happy to see them and speak to them for a while. Nothing was askew with them, they looked just as they had when alive.

Now, even to this day, if I dream of this house, my passed away loved ones are there. It is like they meet there knowing I will show up to visit with them. When I was really into lucid dreaming I would always try to get to that house. Sometimes I could and sometimes I could not. And a couple times the house was vacant, not of furniture, it looked the same, but the loved ones were not there.

This is a dream that I hope to continue having. It is such an awe inspiring dream with such great feelings of love and peace. Like the room glows, they glow. They are happy…and when I am there, I do not get sad. The happiness and peace flows over me as well.

I just wanted to share such a dream experience. I am a very vivid dreamer… always. I wake up nearly daily with vivid dreams spinning in my head. Some good, some not. I can only recall one year that I did not dream…after my sons abuse. When I finally had/ remembered my dreams, I cried. I knew some sort of healing and pieces of me were coming back. ♥