I Am Not Meant…

Every breath, my chest,

Feels: Heavy, missing,

Longing, wishing,

Loving, breaking,

Crying, hoping, dying.

I feel rage in my veins,

Hate foams from my mouth,

Stings in the form of tears…

Hateful thoughts take over,

Though it has been a couple years.

With each crumbling world… I broke myself,

I still weep, and wish, and inflict mental torment…

On myself.

Isn’t this where I fare best?

~I was not meant for this world~

Chaos, Instability, turmoil,

A tornado of emotions battering this tired mind and body.

~I was not meant for this world~

Thrashing against these walls,

Battered and bruised…

except for these white palms.

All in path to create calm.

~I am not meant for this world,

but I was meant for them…

My loves.

Of whom I will never abandon.

© bipolarmuse 2011

Redemption

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery

None but ourselves can free our minds. ~ Bob Marley

What is “freedom from our minds”?

We are truly enslaved by our minds, especially those of us with mood disorders. It is not easy to fluctuate from one mood to another, especially when you can not figure out what triggered the change.

Some people do not believe in medication, some not in therapy. For myself, it is a life and death matter, so I choose wisely.

Yes I take medication, and yes, therapy has helped tremendously. One self help book- if you would call it such- was a true eye opener for me. “The Power Of Now” by Eckhart Tolle began my journey into recognizing my TRUE SELF. I can confidently say I have not found her… yet. I am a work in progress and may always be for my entire life. But each day is an opportunity to change myself, and to continue learning, to continue to grow in love, to getting closer to my children, to learn to love myself, to become ME.

I have often proclaimed that I am not meant for this world.

I miss being a small child, one who doesn’t have much capacity to realize the cruelty the world can dish out…the cruelty we inflict upon ourselves. I watch my own children and wish for the simplicity of laughing and loving… playing make-believe… happy as can be sliding down slides… playing in snow… just running around in the backyard playing tag. I have lost that child in me. Sometimes I step back from myself and ask ” If a good friend were here right now giving me advice, how much love and hope would they release upon me”? Good friends give kind words, lift you up. They are much kinder than we are to ourselves.

That is the friend I need to be to myself, that I will be.

© bipolarmuse 2011

The Pendulum Swings

Lightening fast, from happy to sad, I travel.

No new events to proceed the swing, it just comes as it pleases.

Where hope lingered, doubt is now residing…

to be replaced with confusion and the phrase I hate most,

“All I know is I Don’t Know”.

My brain becomes invaded… every hurtful memory pouring in.

Thoughts of my babies, the four, inhabit my mind, body, and soul.

Breaking me. I crave to be with them and it kills me…

They are within fingertips reach.

I hang from an unraveling string, I wonder “Will I fall”?

I have many times before, yet crawl my way back up.

Falling is not unacceptable, if I choose to stay down…

that is never acceptable.

So I crawl and climb out of darkness, into the light…

Crawl and Climb, to fight the good fight.

Again…

And Again…

Such a  familiar feeling…

The Pendulum Swings.

© bipolarmuse 2011

Seven X Seven Link Award

Wow!! I must THANK  Art Epiphany for nominating me for this awesome award. As a new blogger to Word Press, I am truly honored for this nomination.

It has come to my attention that as a nominee for this “Seven “X” Seven Link Award” I must tell a little about myself that no one is aware of. I have to really wrack my brain on this one, as I present myself as pretty straight forward ( as far as this blog goes anyhow  😉 )
~If you and I were to come face to face and have a conversation, depending on my mood for that moment, I could appear outgoing, funny, and happy as can be, all the while… I am wishing that I was home in my pajamas away from the world, except for my own world that is. I have several hobbies that can keep me busy while manic or hypo-manic. I make candles, crochet, and of coarse… write. I don’t like to watch TV and stay away from the news channels all together. I have “scatter brain” and am very forgetful. I prefer to do things alone… and am very much a loner. I use to play the viola and wish I could teach myself to play the piano. I LOVE TO LEARN. And I love to play Just Dance on the Wii.  🙂

I must also point you in the direction to my own pieces with the following descriptions:

– Most beautiful piece: Are You In My World
– Most Helpful: NIMH- Bipolar Disorder
– Most Popular: Existence
– Most Controversial: Fire And Ice by Robert Frost  and then follow up with Bruised to get the full meaning.
– Most Surprisingly Successful: Borderline Personality Disorder- PubMed Health
– Most Underrated: Don’t

Now the last step is to nominate seven other bloggers which is VERY difficult as I am a new blogger and just learning the ropes. I am not sure if bloggers can be renominated but some blogs I just LOVE. Forgive me if I am in the wrong.  🙂
Here’s my nominees ;) In no specific order, all are great :
Angel Of Secrets
This Insidious Illness
A Mind Divided
Art Epiphany
RoseCityRemona
thepoeticgoblin
Bluesander

Borderline personality disorder – PubMed Health

Many People are not aware of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), so here are some fun facts from a quoted source. I say “fun” because I have to make light of life and throw humor in wherever possible. My mental struggles are nothing to laugh about, but if I am the one laughing, join in! Laughter is good for the soul.

Over the years, I have known that I suffered and was diagnosed with Depression, and Bipolar Disorder (which from here on out I will refer to Manic Depression), but Borderline Personality Disorder was new to me. A couple years ago it had been mentioned in therapy but nothing ever came of it. Then, during this past summer, it was added to my list of brain malfunctions. HAHAHA. I didn’t care one bit. I like to think of myself as a piece of art… always a work in progress… so I don’t mind the extra work needed to mold me into who I wish to be. We are all striving to find who we are… and we are all working on the person we want to be, that we KNOW we can be, and the person we WILL become with due diligence. And I believe that goes for everyone, mood disorders or not.

I have the privilege of knowing several men that have severe forms of Autism, Mental Retardation, and Schizophrenia. These men are in their 50’s and 60’s, and they are constantly working on who they are to this day. They amaze me each time I get to visit with them. They are not stagnant, they continually learn social skills, motor skills, and they have special talents unique to themselves.  They humble me, put my life into perspective.

And so I embrace my mood disorders. They will help me become great. They will help mold me into the Mom I know I will be, the Wife I know I will be, the very person I STRIVE to be daily.

Borderline personality disorder – PubMed Health.

Borderline personality disorder

Personality disorder – borderline

Last reviewed: November 15, 2010.

“Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.

These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.

Risk factors for BPD include:

  • Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
  • Disrupted family life
  • Poor communication in the family
  • Sexual abuse

This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.

Symptoms

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

  • Fear of being abandoned
  • Feelings of emptiness and boredom
  • Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
  • Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
  • Intolerance of being alone
  • Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

Signs and tests

Like other personality disorders, BPD is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.

Treatment

Many types of individual talk therapy, such as dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), can successfully treat BPD. In addition, group therapy can help change self-destructive behaviors.

In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition.

Expectations (prognosis)

The outlook depends on how severe the condition is and whether the person is willing to accept help. With long-term talk therapy, the person will often gradually improve.

Complications

Calling your health care provider

Call your health care provider if you or your child has symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It is especially important to seek help right away if you or your child is having thoughts of suicide.”

References

  1. Blais MA, Smallwood P, Groves JE, Rivas-Vazquez RA. Personality and personality disorders. In: Stern TA, Rosenbaum JF, Fava M, Biederman J, Rauch SL, eds. Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry. 1st ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier;2008:chap 39.

Review Date: 11/15/2010.

Reviewed by: Linda Vorvick, MD, Medical Director, MEDEX Northwest Division of Physician Assistant Studies, University of Washington School of Medicine; and David B. Merrill, MD, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Department of Psychiatry, Columbia University Medical Center, New York, NY. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director,

Just Another Holiday

Merry belated Christmas.
The holiday seasons are far from my favorite time of year. It’s just a reminder of my sadness, as I do not always get to be with my children during this season.
My silence on this blog is a
testament to that fact.
I hope you all had a beautiful holiday…and I look forward to being back in full swing tomorrow.
May happiness and peace be with you.  🙂

The Sun Does Shine

And so the sun does shine…

Even upon me.

Today I can feel its warmth.

A splendid morning full of hope,

and endless possibilities…

I am enthralled to hear birds sing.

Beautiful for me,

As sometimes the things I enjoy most…

Are not within my reach.

A flurry of happiness, and of optimism,

in my mind and in my heart.

For today, I have escaped my personal prison.

I stay “present” to feel the joy,

but also i look ahead to my future…

not with a heavy heart, but to enjoy.

My “loves” are ever closer to me…

Around the corner, usually never clear,

Today I can clearly see.

© bipolarmuse 2011

Music For My Soul

I find, for myself, that there are two different “senses” that transcend space and time.

Of which provides the opportunity to travel back into the past by a memory, or a feeling.

Those two things for me: Music, and Fragrance.

A simple fragrance can give such a nostalgic feeling, or perhaps have a very negative connotation to it.

The same goes for music. Music can take you back to a time and place, it can evoke so many different emotions,

and can set the vibe for your day.

It can make you happy, entranced, moved, sad. Remind you of those you once

loved, or friends you have lost touch with. It can be comforting or upsetting.

This is a different post than I usually make but I had to share this musician with you.

I have a love for many different genres of music and love being introduced to something

different than I usually listen to.

This artists name is Matisyahu. Click the link, ( The artists name), for a new page to open. It will take you to a music video on YouTube of Matisyahu covering A Bob Marley song called “Redemption Song”. This one song elicits various feelings, as this artists mixes up tempo and style of the song.

I believe it is beautiful, thought provoking, and the raw talent is mesmerizing.

You may be impressed as well.

Matisyahu

One Day (Matisyahu song)
Image via Wikipedia

Love Is…

Love is a connection, a bond, it is also a four letter word.

Love is action,

It is forgiving even during our worst moments,

For we are fallible humans.

Love changes and shifts, as the earth does,

just as it should, to grow stronger.

Love is ever increasing energy,

  Love is poetic,

Beautiful,

Passionate,

Mad, Crazy,

Life Changing.

Love is art,

Compassion,

Love can be silly, and fun.

Love is like a fairytale.

It is soul binding.

Love never lasts long enough,

Inasmuch as, eternity feels minute.

Love is to touch, and to truly feel,

To feel the connection. Not to ingenuously connect,

But to sense each others energy.

Love is kind.

Love is forgiving.

Love is action.

For myself, Love is CRAZY.

© bipolarmuse 2011

Miles To Go

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,

but I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Miles to go before I sleep. ~ Robert Frost

A child sleeping, awoken and fearful,

Breaking glass, raised voices,

Pull the covers over my head, tearful.

Sadness, anger, familiar feelings abound,

I know to stay hidden.

Not to make a sound.

But my Mom, I worry so.

She defends herself…

This I know.

He is cruel, mean, violent, irate,

Any love he created, vanishes…

My love for him turned to hate.

And it never diminished over the years,

Until a sad change in fate.

My Dad, who should have been near and dear.

A homeless man, a roof over his head, he denied…

Alone, in a park, he chose alcohol,

And on a park bench he died.

© bipolarmuse 2011

** My Dad is a sore subject for me. I felt like he should have been a better Father… but I should have loved him, had a place in my heart where I could love him unconditionally. I could have reached out and tried to know him, God knows several times he reached for me. I was angry and bitter and felt superior. I now am humbled as these mental disorders have shown me that life is never predictable and that the best efforts are not always productive in the way you intended. Sometimes your world can turn upside down… and it’s not so easy to turn it back around.**

NIMH · Bipolar Disorder

NIMH · Bipolar Disorder

“Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

Bipolar disorder often develops in a person’s late teens or early adult years. At least half of all cases start before age 25.1 Some people have their first symptoms during childhood, while others may develop symptoms late in life.

Bipolar disorder is not easy to spot when it starts. The symptoms may seem like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem. Some people suffer for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person’s life”. Sited from NIMH

**I do not think that the  name “Bipolar 1 Disorder” does justice to the illness in one bit. It almost seems to belittle the disorder and make it less significant in relation to other mental heath disorders. Manic Depressive illness is a much better description of the disorder. Manic is a single word that is very descriptive, as is depression. The chronological order of my personal illness began in the year 2000, where I spent 5 minutes with a Psych Doc who then prescribed medication for major depression. Personally I believe that was a misdiagnosis. Five minutes is not enough time to assess a patient with any Doctor. After some very life changing events, the suicide of my ex-boyfriend, my diagnosis increased a year later ( in 2003), to Bipolar 2 disorder, along with insomnia and anxiety, but I refused to believe anything was wrong with me and didn’t continue with my therapy. I finally had some reprieve and felt somewhat well, despite the fact that depression was always lingering in the background. In 2007 I became manic, depressed, psychosomatic, and paranoid that I would die in my sleep, so instinctively sleep became like a monster to me and eluded me for many years thereafter. Two years later, my youngest son was abused by a horrible person who I thought I knew. I hit bottom… literally. My children went to live their Fathers and I rapidly cycled between hypo-mania, mania, and severe depression. I was a ticking time bomb, feeling like I would break at any moment.

Education is the key. For myself and for others. We need to educate everyone about mental health disorders to prevent the stigma associated with mental health. Many people with mental disorders become very successful in life and contribute to society in many ways. I personally am a chameleon…. many of us are. We are very good at throwing on the “happy face”, and you will never recognize the storm raging within. **

Gazing Out At The Night

Gazing Out At The Night

On my dresser, gazing out at the night…

Enchanted by the stars and moon in the deep dark sky,

And the bright lights surrounded by vast emptiness…

A trail of lights leading the way.

Music in my head, Bleeding out my heart

With paper and pen.

On bended knees begging for the pain to end.

The mental anguish, loneliness, this chameleon I am…

At 13, I have felt so much already…

And it has been a couple years… since this little black

rain cloud has chosen me.

Perhaps I was meant for a different world,

but was lost along the way…

There has to be a reason for “me”,

It would be cruel otherwise…

To simply “be”

For emptiness…For misery

awaiting in the shadows.

And so, on this dresser I sit,

Gazing out at the night…

Bleeding my heart out with paper and pen.

**A reminiscing 13yr old girl**

© bipolarmuse 2011

How Is It Fair?

How is it fair?

I never knew I would love…

Dream or Breathe

The way I do you.

Can I sleep in Peace?

I never knew I would hope,

Cry or pray for dreamless nights,

The way I do because of you.

How is it fair…

To be buried above ground,

Where sadness surrounds,

And to be uncomfortable in your own skin?

How is it fair…

Your buried six feet down.

Sleeping so peaceful, so sound…

And I can’t be found in the world

you are in?

How Is It fair?

**I wrote this many years ago after my ex-boyfriend died by his own hand.**

© bipolarmuse 2003

I fear not the night…

I fear not the night anymore, but the silence that accompanies the sun.

I would enjoy waking to the moon instead…

Walking by the light of the moon…the stars my guide…

My erratic mood lulled by the moons tide.

The stars and night like a very close friend.

Instead I follow rules, wake by the sun,

With only a few hours to rest my weary head..

Depression has begun.

To much time to dwell, anxiety to swell,

To beg for peace; to forget the times,

I have truly failed.

I want to run, be free and run,

Follow my heart, and flee to my loves…

I fear not the night anymore,  but the silence that accompanies the sun.

**I am much more happy during the dark hours and feel a little less bitchy.

Until noon I am a monster. Cranky, argumentative, lethargic, I am motivated to do nothing.

Tears come so very easily and often.

Unless manic of coarse.

I refer to the depression side of bipolar as the monster on my back,

weighing me down until I crack.

And mania, oh sweet mania… how I long for you again…

The feeling I can accomplish ANYTHING… but again,

I will hit rock bottom and begin my climb,

Once again.**

© bipolarmuse 2011