Moment in stillness.

Its amazing how long it can take some people to figure things out…
To end their misery.
I have told myself over and over that “nobody can make me happy…only I can”.
And though I have spoken those words aloud and otherwise… it was not until
today that I said it out loud and it fuckin hit me…empowered me!
It was new… a moment in stillness that reverberated through me.
Why?? Because it means the difference between a miserable existence and a happy one.
I always believed that thought to apply to myself searching for happiness through men… which of coarse is applicable. But I now realize it applies to anything or anyone outside of yourself. Which is everything.
Sadly, my children do not live with me, and the pain of that fact has nearly seen me to my demise.
Does that mean I don’t want my children?? FUCK NO!!! I want them more than I can express. And every chance I get I will see them and eventually live next door to them… or in their backyards. But the point is… even my children should not, are not, and can not be responsible for my happiness. They make me beyond happy and make my heart explode, but though they are my reason to breathe, I should be my reason to breathe. I should crave life for ME.
As Buddha said:

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

I had this epiphany today… beautiful, powerful, full of energy. And as I write this, I realize….
I am still broken.

Self Reflecting

I believe regret to be…
a feeling, a memory
a reminder…
of Life welling in me.

I have been doing a tremendous amount of self reflection. When was it that I became “broke”? Was it as a child?? Knowing my father was abusing my Mom… beating her? Beating our pets? Or when I was abused by strangers? Or maybe at birth… perhaps born so amazingly perfect and broken?
Perhaps they all play a factor.
I have no clue.

Distance envelops me…

They can all get fucked… just stay true to you. ~Marshal Mathers

Beauty and Catastrophe

Dwelling in here is beauty and catastrophe…limitless imagination…bountiful frustration.
The moon resides more often than the sun. An enticing tide, Poetic ride.
The beast finds me no matter where I run. Power finds me, controls me, elicits behaviors exceeding the one I call me. Seraphs in heaven weep and pound their fists…
Even they in their bliss,
can’t bring me peace.
Even I, being on bended knees.
Peace eludes me.
© bipolarmuse 2011

No Demon Can Bind Me

Revert inward
Feeling this dynamic energy.
Breathing, feeling this dying body, enslaved mind,
with life.
Battle these inner demons, pin them to the floor of this troubled mind.

No fear can seize me.
No demon bind me….
Nor a God save me.

One Electric Charge after another…
riding the monsters back.
Extending beyond Atlas…
fleeing further than talus.

© bipolarmuse 2011

~Because your mine, I walk the line~