Can’t count me out.

You can’t count me out.
I may be down, but until I reach a dirt nap
I am nowhere near out.
I refuse to lay the fuck down.
What is it you wanna say now?
I got my back turned
I refuse to even glance your way.
Nothing new, the shit you say.
This is my life and I will do it everyday,
the only way I’ll do it… my way.
No, I will not go away. I am here to stay.
I may not reach the point of normal
But try to explain normal to me.
Is it absence of this energy?
Am I suppose to change the real me?
No more sorrow, tears, angst, hate, anger,
melancholy flowing through me?
Who the fuck am I suppose to be? I’ve been living 21 years
pretending to be…
someone other than me.
Yes it changed, it did intensify.
Something in me changed, something broke.
It’s been over a couple years ago.
Explain to me how I was to know?
This is uncharted land…
I was dealt a completely different hand.
Need to put on my sea legs and learn
once again
How to stand.
I should have put up my middle finger
to everyone telling me
I didn’t need to
take any medication, it’s a stinger.
My head isn’t a place you’d want to linger.
That’s what I get for listening
Instead of relying on my gut feeling…
It makes me sick that I had myself fooled.
Myself fully believing
that these pills could be a thing of the past…
threw them aside
And now my lifes on blast.
Made the biggest mistakes one could possible
grasp. And now I’m stuck.
cause one thing I have learned
You can never go back.

© bipolarmuse 2010

What I wish for you to see….

What I wish for you to see…
How much it is that I miss
you and me.
How I awake in tears and cry
myself to sleep. All this regret
I wade in daily.
My admiration of your strength.
I miss The smell of your aftershave
when you left in the morning.
I miss the heaviness of your
tree trunk legs, the weight of your hand
and sweat from your palm
on my leg. Your intense blue eyes…
and the heat in my cheeks when you’d stare.
I miss your huge heart, the way you care.
I miss your stars, your birds, your sacred heart.
I miss “till death do we part”.
I miss our forever.
I miss, I miss, I miss. and I will forever.
What I wish for you to see…
I, from the core of my being, am sorry.
I’d give anything to go
back in time.
Push rewind.
I’d have changed into a better wife.
I wish you to see…
I will become a better me.
And I will love you for eternity.

© bipolarmuse 2010

Beginning of The End

As I lay my head on the pillow…
Heart racing, I feel on fire.
Not even a pill can help now…
though I try. Lunesta, Ambien, Xanax.
No relief from this terror.
I hear every ones advice “try to relax”.
My throat is closing in on me…
I feel my heart thud, pause, double thud.
Faster it pumps. Terrifying.
I try hard and close my eyes.
Please, PLEASE, sleep envelop me.
Devastating thoughts crowd my mind,
I am all alone with 2 babies…
What if I die in the night?
WHO would know,
They’d be crying, scared, in need…
How long until a friend would show?
I would slip into light sleep,
but my heart would skip,
and gasping for air…
awaken me.
Nightly this was my reality.
I believe it to be a breakdown.
My brain dishing out cruelty.
Yes, unrealistic fears I’m aware.
But when you live it ,breathe it,
its real… I lived in constant fear.
And when it should have disappeared..
it didn’t.
And that’s why I am currently right here.
That breakdown I still live…
I can see clearly what it was:
The Beginning of The End
© bipolar 2010

A Fight to Admire

I can’t even begin to explain
this inner turmoil, this excruciating pain,
the intensity of my building
rage.
I inhale, my lungs fill with air.
A painful pleasure, reminder, can’t scream
“This isn’t fair”.
Just one more day of being
Here.
And you haven’t even a clue
my painful existence, what I suffer
through.
Don’t play judge, I wouldn’t dare
You.
Every day, full of sadness and fears.
I cry in silence, falling tears.
Hard even for angels in heaven to
Hear.
Crash my head through the window.
A knife in my heart. That hurt cant compare
tho.
I’ll take their smiles any day in exchange for my
sorrow.
I challenge you to be me.
Couldn’t handle 30 seconds before beggin
to be free.
And yet, I am capable to continue to choose
Me.
Watch me soar, attempt to excel.
May take a couple more times,
my face to the concrete.
Fail.
I’ll set myself on fire,
set me ablaze and move forward.
Inspire
A life worthy of them, A Fight to
Admire
© bipolarmuse 2010

Just when

Just before
I feel like I get ahead…
One fatal swoop
like lead to the head.
20 feet back,
I stumble
falter
wish for the black.
Sleep
long, deep,
dreamless and numbing.
Could I forget how to breathe?
intense focus,
just breathe in
breathe out.
Life has this way
of working itself out.
But how?
How can I fix this mess?
I want them,
miss them to the point of
physical and mental distress.
I must fight
but have lost me.
must fight…
to choose life.
For them…
for they are greater than me.
© bipolarmuse 2010