Claire de Lune by Paul Verlaine

Your soul is as a moonlit landscape fair,
Peopled with maskers delicate and dim,
That play on lutes and dance and have an air
Of being sad in their fantastic trim.

The while they celebrate in minor strain
Triumphant love, effective enterprise,
They have an air of knowing all is vain,—
And through the quiet moonlight their songs rise,

The melancholy moonlight, sweet and lone,
That makes to dream the birds upon the tree,
And in their polished basins of white stone
The fountains tall to sob with ecstasy.

In my own skin

Every breath
My chest
Feels heavy.
Missing.
Longing.
Wishing.
Loving.
Breaking.
Crying.
Hoping.
Dying.
~I just want to be alive in my own skin~
Broken dreams crash
like the moon falling from the sky.
Earth shattering.
Life altering.
I want to close my eyes.
But this reel…
It plays on and on.
In my mind, in my life.
Not even a ledge to stand on.
It is I, who pays the ultimate price.
© bipolarmuse 2010

Night Sky

My head hurts.

I wish I could cry.
Or Sleep.
Maybe I will lay outside
and stare at the night sky.
Feel the glory of the stars
above.
Feel the insignificance of
my woes.

I wonder if my Dad stared
into the sky…
At the same moment I did.
Could he feel my presence?

~I didn’t hear you leave~

Bipolarmuse ♥ To memorize them…

With every moment, every second, I stare intensely. Every roundness of their cheeks, the slope of their noses, the very lashes on their eyes…. I want to memorize them. I want everything from the touch of their skin to the shape of their toes to be be etched into my mind, burned into my heart, carved into my soul. I want their intense blue eyes forever burned into my being. The sounds of their voices to be loud and vibrant in my head. Their witty personalities… boundless love… forgiving hearts… to be a statement of who I am and how I must become a better person for me, for them. I want the feel of their hair to be memorized by my touch. The feel of their hugs bound to my chest. The feel of their kisses ablaze on my lips. I want the way they say “I love you Mommy” to echo in my head and reverberate in my body.
My Love.
My children.
© bipolarmuse 2010

Numbness, my friend

How much more time must I suffer?
Numbness, my friend, seek me.
One breath, two, many many more…

Eyes closing…mmmmmmm….seeking relief.
Practicing numbness. Can you free me?
Dreams are plenty. Deep. Meaningless.
Punctual.

Minutes… moments. Tick tock. Passing.
Trees of color~ clouds of wonder~
Deeper…darker…comfortable…wonderful
Dreams.

Take me. World of escape.
Night visions. “Visions” or fright alive.
Make believe world. Joy. Fear. Smiles.
Calm. Ecstasy. Darkness…
Peace.

Numbness, my friend, Seek me.
Dream.

Nite Nite

© bipolarmuse 2010

Burn to Shine

Foaming at the mouth.
I can get there… I am just fantastic at not showing the foam.
I internalize everything.
Stress, sadness, angst all violate my body. VIOLATE.
All these thoughts that crowd my mind… these thoughts that I use to punish myself… they are capable of making me crumble.
It’s the epic battle that rages in my mind daily.

~When you have awoken
From all your dreams broken
Come and dance with me~

Ahhhhhh the words of Ben Harper.
Amazing

Burn to Shine (album)

I burn to Shine~

DON’T

 Don’t tell me I’m amazing.
Don’t tell me I’m beautiful.
Don’t say you want to see me…
or mention anything of fate.
Don’t mention the blueness of my eyes,
or the way you get lost in them.
Don’t even breathe the word “future”…
or tell me I’m perfect.
I’d like to rip your tongue out,
for putting my hopes up high.
Don’t make me wish on shooting stars,
or pray to that which I don’t believe.
Don’t make me long, or wish, or need.
Don’t make me cry.
I’ll crush your soul if you even try.
Don’t make my head spin.
Don’t make my heart race.
Don’t touch my palms with your thumb.
Don’t try to reach my heart…
I prefer it to remain numb.
Don’t make me shiver…
or whisper your name.
Don’t make me curse you.
Please.
Don’t make me believe you.
Don’t ignite this fire.
Don’t feed the flames.
Please don’t make me refrain.
Don’t give me false hope,
like you flew in on an angels wings.
Don’t make me fall…
Please.
Don’t make me fall for the trail.
Don’t encapsulate me.
Don’t enrapture me.
Please.
Don’t you notice I’m frail?
© bipolarmuse 2010

Bruised

Bruised….swollen… Tired. I lay next to him, heartbroken and fearful, trying to desperately figure out what happened.
In instinct… I knew. But how could someone be so cruel.
I slept on the floor. I held my baby as she cried. Was she crying for her brother? I cried so hard my bones hurt… My head felt as though it could explode… My body shook violently.
I took my son to urgent care. Blood work was ran. Just slightly anemic.I asked if it could be abuse….
Following morning we went to a followup appointment…. Had me scared to death he may have cancer. Oh my God, please not cancer. But the alternative was a horrid thought as well.
My son and I cuddled and held hands and talked. He said he didn’t feel good but the doctors would make him better. I became even more worried.
On to the cancer doc we went.
They found nothing wrong. Thank god it wasn’t cancer, yet now my heart broke in a different way.
On our walk over to the emergency room, holding hands… I knew. Someone was abusing my beautiful amazing son. And I knew that CPS would step in and take him. I hoped and prayed not.
Then the unimaginable happened… They removed him from my care, along with all my other children.
I wanted to die.
I wanted to step into traffic.
I wanted to jump out of the moving car.
I wanted my heart to just stop mid beat.
In pain from crying already… The pain intensified. Became brutal.
My head became clouded. I couldn’t think. Time disappeared and became painfully slow.
Functioning felt impossible.
Eating caused me to become sick.
Drinking water made me sick.
I found blood in my urine.
I prayed for death every second.
Every fucking second… With every breath, I pleaded for death.

maddy is that you

Madness reigns again.
Fingertips across my scalp razor-blade sharp.
I seek sleep yet it eludes me once more.
Such intensity this world I dwell….
Have you ever touched and truly FELT?
My hands shake
My bones rattle
My eyes can’t rest
Electricity flows from my fingertips to my toes… racing up and down my spine.
I FEEL it. I know it’s there, this energy, because I feel it at my core… on the surface. Racing. Chasing. Tracing.
Eliciting horripilation.

Why do I dare be so bold and share my world?
I have nothing to fear anymore.
When everything is stripped from you and leaves you bare and broken, what more can be lost?

Perhaps this is my Karma?