Bipolarmuse ♥ Love never dies a natural death….

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ~ Anais Nin

During my childhood, I can recall moments of happiness amidst the insanity…. but I recall the insanity more often than not.
What is normal?? Am I really to have a clue of who I am, right this moment, if who I am is based partially on the chaos I became so comfortable with as I grew up? How will I recognize “normal”? Or even worse… and of which I think I already know the answer to… will “normal” suffice for me? Will I be comfortable there? Can I be happy surrounded with normalcy or will I crave the drama, the chaos, the constant attention good or bad? How long can I pretend and put on the “happy face” before I start falling to pieces?

I chose this quote because it’s painfully true. Painfully true for me. It reminds me of my Dad. He died in 2004, but sadly, he had been dead to me for a long time already…. for years and years. I shouldn’t have written him off like that, but he should have been a Father. Instead, he was an embarrassment, a bad memory, a statistic. I forgive him…. I don’t forgive me.
He died as a homeless man, on a park bench. He had family and children and he chose to be homeless?? FUCK HIM. AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH…. I don’t mean that. I am angry. I am still bitter. My opportunity to know him was removed from me when he slipped into eternal sleep… my opportunity to tell him ” I love you”…. ” I forgive you”…. ” I have missed you my whole life”…. and I will continue to do so.

Fire in my veins….

Leaving was torture…
I’d rather die.
But at least… justice will come somehow, someway.
Just another torturous day in this shell. Trapped on the inside looking out…

Who am I?

Ahhh, I do remember I am currently figuring it out.
No manual to guide me, no truth to set me free…
I have to walk a million miles
to figure out me.
© bipolarmuse 2010
~I’ve got nothin for you to gain.~

Bipolarmuse ♥ Whata Ride

These last few days have been a crazy ride.
A sweep of emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other. From “I can accomplish anything” to “how do I scrape myself up from the pavement”. Gotta love those upswings… they are so much easier to deal with than the alternative.
That’s part of this painful existence… losing sight.
Losing sight is more than not seeing my goal… it’s losing how it felt to set a goal in the first place. It’s the loss of hope.
Hope flies in on butterfly wings…
I don’t know about you, but I don’t see many butterflies.
And the one worth mentioning is perched perfectly… a slight tilt of the ear and I hear it’s wings fluttering half the hope I will ever need.
© bipolarmuse 2010

Bipolarmuse ♥ Do I Ever…

Do I cross your mind? Do you wonder what the future could have held? Do you wonder why I fucked things up so badly? Do you wonder what lesson it is we are suppose to learn from all of this? Do you wonder how it hurts in my bones to be without my babies? Do you wonder how many times I cry each day? Do you wonder how I keep my sanity? Do you wonder if I could inflict serious bodily harm? Do you believe me when I say I wish I could go back in time? Do you know how many mornings I awake angry that I awoke at all?
Do you believe you will receive a heaven?? If so, please don’t keep me from mine. They are all I get.
Do you really not hate me?? Sometimes I think you do but it’s below your sainthood to admit to it.
Do you know how alone I feel? How alone I am? How alone I force myself to be? How I build these huge walls to keep myself from feeling anything but the cold? Do you realize you lost me?? But I lost everything??
Perhaps this is my Karma… maybe it is what I deserve. As you said, I took a gamble and lost.
Lucky for you that luck has always been on your side…
Just please don’t forget that our babies are losing too.

© bipolarmuse 2010

Bipolarmuse ♥ The ghost you can’t shake…

” I don’t wanna be the ghost you can’t shake
I wanna be the real thing”.

Have I got the concept of love completely and utterly wrong?? Sometimes I feel like I do. I was raised in an ever changing environment without any sense of stability. The only stability I knew came from my Grandparents. They acted as a set of parents for me until my Mom became the Mother that she is now…. which happens to be amazing.
But sadly, I remember a whole lot that I wish I didn’t. I recall bitter fights between my Mom and Dad… violent episodes… animals being beat by my Dad… animals coming up missing…insane parties… more fighting between my parents… more violence from my Dad. I remember crawling down onto the floor of our car because he and my Mom were fighting as we drove home from a hillside party/concert in Phoenix. I was crawling onto the floor trying to get as far under the seat as I could because he was threatening to run the red light at a busy intersection, to hurt us all…. driving fast and determined. My Mom was screaming and fighting… and managed to get her foot onto the driver side of the car and stomp on the brake pedal. Saved by my Mom, yet again.
I was taught to be a chameleon… to blend with my environment and not stand out. Standing out brought suffering. I learned at a very young age to smooth things over, try to keep the peace.
And so I smile.
And so I laugh.
I am good at pretending.
Because it is safer to do so.

© bipolarmuse 2010